Not dying.

Well, the good news is that I’m not dying, as I was pretty sure I was last night when my fever skyrocketed to 102.5, my eyes looked worse than ever, and I began dreaming of dead relatives all, “I’m comin’ home, GRAMMY!”  And see, you probably think I’m making that up, but I swear on my Versace sunglasses that I’m wearing right now, I ain’t makin’ it up.

This morning, after going to bed at 7:45 p.m. last night.  Seriously.  7:45.  I woke to the fever, the chills, the throat soreness, and as an added bonus, abdominal pain.

Hello?  Doctor?  Yeah, I’m dying.  When can you see me?  10:45?  Perfecto.  I’ll be the normally hot chick that for today looks grosser than Jeff Reed’s puke after a night cavorting with diseased sluts.

11:30, I get the call to come in and get weighed, get the temp taken (102), and get asked lots of personal questions about my period and my pee and my bowel movements.  Um.  Excuse me, Nurse, but can you wrap these questions up in a nondescript brown paper bag for me?  Thanks.

11:35, I’m in room 2 going, DAMN, I need to lose five pounds before vacation!

11:55, the Physician’s Assistant TRAINEE comes in and wants to shake my hand.  I remove my sunglasses and she recoils all, “Uh.  Right.  Maybe not.” Trainees are thorough, so she spent 20 minutes thumping just about every part of my body she could get her hands on.  Does this hurt?  Does this hurt?  Have you ever been hospitalized?  When was your last period?  Are you pregnant?  Could you be pregnant?  Has your left foot ever itched worse than your right foot?  Let me thump your ankle.  Let me shove this thing down your throat with my untrained hands that are shaking a little bit right now.

Saucy jumped in.  “Uh-uh, bitch.  Step off my girl with that there instrument of gaggage if you know what’s good for you.”

Oh.  Ok.  Well, I’ll return soon with the real physician’s assistant.  Try to ignore the throbbing pain in your throat and your abdomen, the seepage from your eyes, and the fact that your fever is making is seem like it is 25 degrees in here.  Right back.

25 minutes later.  I’m asleep on the bed. Shivering.

Saucy’s all, “Psst. The bitches be back, yo.”

I gently rise to a seated position on the table.  Now I get the real PA to start probing and prodding and thumping and asking me all about my period and my poop.  Oy.  Where’s that bag?

Can I take a throat culture, please?

Saucy is indignant, “OMG.  I said STEP THE EFF OFF!”

Right.  Well can I at least LOOK?

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Whoa.  You’ve got strep I bet, just like your sister, and apparently the infection spread to your eyes and to your lymph nodes in your abdomen.

Am I dying?

Not today.

Tomorrow?

Nah.

Next Tuesday?!

Oy.

So, no, I’m not dying.  But it sure as hell feels like it.

Saucy says as we’re leaving, “Damn, I thought I was going to have to choke a bitch.”

That’s church, Saucy.





23 Comments

  1. Sparky
    July 11, 2008 12:59 pm

    PittGirl, I can’t help but think that maybe you were at a beer pong tournament a few weeks ago–where my partner unknowingly infected about 48 various red cups with mono molecules (leaving me as the person who brought typhoid mary)…better get that blood test….and rest up.



  2. Sooska
    July 11, 2008 1:04 pm

    Damn! you shoudla choked a bitch, assuming you had the strength. I bet you’d feel better already. Imagine how much better you’d feel if you could stomp a pigeon. or get a bitch to do it.



  3. SK
    July 11, 2008 1:07 pm

    Lil story for ya.
    When I was in labor with my first (and only) child I wanted an epidural, you know, that wonderfully LARGE needle that takes allll the pain away. Long story short, it was a TRAINEE giving it to me who missed the correct spot about 7 times. I can start to feel the needle moving around in my back and I’m crying and begging them to stop at the same time. After my mother threatens to break their face if they don’t get the F out of there immediately a nurse say’s “you just had to tell me it hurt dear”. My mom’s a beast, she was about to open a can on their a$$es. Worst freaking day of my life. I will never let a trainee come within 20 yards of me ever again.



  4. Magnus Patris
    July 11, 2008 1:08 pm

    “she spent 20 minutes thumping just about every part of my body she could get her hands on”. Goodness, all I can say is, “Bomp Chicka Bum Bow, Bow Bow Bow”. WIll the video be on YouTube?!



  5. JamieO
    July 11, 2008 1:15 pm

    Damn, PittGirl, do what you can to get better and best wishes to you.

    Sparky, I have to tell you, I am all for the drinking games, but beer pong ain’t it. Several times I have had people get on my case about not playing it due to germs. I am not a germophobe in any way, but I am also not stupid.



  6. Jeff Reed’s puke
    July 11, 2008 1:18 pm

    Yo. Jeff Reed’s puke here.

    I’m, like, totally offended by you saying that you looked like me after a night of my owner cavorting with diseased sluts. No one here knows what it’s like to be Jeff Reed’s puke; the shame of it all. “Nooo-body knows the trouble I seen!”

    I’ve also spoken with the diseased sluts and they, too, are totally offended.

    My owner, however, doesn’t know what day it is, so he has no response.

    Still, we hope that you get all better n’stuff….



  7. BIGGEORGE
    July 11, 2008 1:30 pm

    Get well soon!

    I just got over a fever a little while
    ago. I woke up in the middle of the
    night shaking…I thought I was having a
    seizure!!!! It scared the snot out of me!

    If you don’t feel better in a week or so,
    go get a second opinion, and maybe some
    better drugs!!!!

    BIGGEORGE



  8. Zsa
    July 11, 2008 1:31 pm

    I have had the sniffly snuffles for approximately 3 weeks and finally gave up on NyQuil D . When I went to a new doctor (actually a resident in my current dr’s practice) the other day, he asked if I smoked crack cocaine. What??? He followed that up with questions about my job, which is a subject that makes me sick even when I’m well.

    Feel better PG!!!



  9. ultraviolet
    July 11, 2008 2:26 pm

    Oh no pittgirl i’ve heard that untreated strep can lead to deafness. good thing you made it in time!

    and sparky, is your friend one of jeff reed’s diseased girls? spreading mono knowingly in the name of drunk is gross and selfish.

    ok i need go wash my hands now for like, 20 minutes.



  10. ultraviolet
    July 11, 2008 2:34 pm

    oops, re-read post and i see the mono was spread “unknowingly”. still…if you feel sick don’t play



  11. Burgh Wanna Be
    July 11, 2008 2:35 pm

    I feel for you. I had Strep throat several years ago, got it from a co-worker. I also had the chills and some pretty strange dreams. I hope you get better soon. Take Care and I love your Blog.



  12. Marcy
    July 11, 2008 2:44 pm

    Get well soon, PG! Maybe David Conrad will read this and come over with some chicken soup?



  13. back in the burgh
    July 11, 2008 2:49 pm

    Get well soon, PG! Strep is just awful in adults, so I feel your pain! Rest up!



  14. Sparky
    July 11, 2008 2:56 pm

    Ultraviolet,

    my friend did not know she had mono at the time of the tournament…nor did she have symptoms at that time…just to be clear.



  15. John
    July 11, 2008 3:03 pm

    Get better soon, PG. Rest, fluids, a comfy bed and a David Conrad read bedtime story should be on the docket.



  16. Messier
    July 11, 2008 3:54 pm

    The good news is, a nice round of illness will melt those 5 pounds off, leavin ya svelt and trim! So will quitting drinking. Neither one is much fun. Hope you feel better, get some good drugs n’at. Bonus: Sore enough throat=cough syrup with vicadin!



  17. PittCheMBA
    July 11, 2008 5:34 pm

    PittGirl, take care of yourself, get well soon.



  18. Spud's dad
    July 11, 2008 6:49 pm

    SK, back atcha. My wife was about to get her epidural from a very competent- and comfortable-looking resident. But then the cowboy attending (mid-late ’60s, booming voice, Texas accent) burst in and insisted on doing it for the resident. He put my wife through what the trainee put you through, and when I tried to intervene I was held off by a nurse anesthetist who was Nurse Ratched’s sister, the Cryptkeeper’s wife, and proud bearer of the worst case of halitosis in the Pittsburgh metro area. Experience does not always equal competence.



  19. bucdaddy
    July 11, 2008 10:18 pm

    When your fever hits 102.5, do you audio-hallucinate Led Zeppelin?

    OK, seriously, get well, Your Hotness.

    (Air) hugs,

    ‘daddy



  20. Arika
    July 11, 2008 10:27 pm

    Feel Better…. yo!!



  21. Alison
    July 12, 2008 1:03 pm

    ha. when i had strep a couple weeks ago, i also fell asleep in the room when i was waiting for the doctor. of course i was sleeping pretty much constantly that week. lots of tea with lots of honey! feel better soon.



  22. rose
    July 13, 2008 10:05 pm

    hope you’re feeling better, pittgirl!



  23. NY Luvs Pitts
    July 14, 2008 7:34 am

    Glad you are still living. Feel better.