By George!

Yesterday at 9:00 in the evening, in a burst of epic stupidity, PittGirl and Sisters thought it would be a great idea to make a run to the Super Wal-Mart here in Destin to pick up a few supplies that the 24 people we’re vacationing with had already burned through. The mission was a kiddie pool, Propel water, regular water and soda. Easy enough. Let’s go.

The ten minute trip to Super Wal-Mart was spent discussing how it came about that Ohio Sister, the youngest, called shotgun, yet Ta-Ta, the oldest still managed to secure herself the front seat of Tina Fey’s SUV. We decided it was because as the oldest child, Ta-Ta ALWAYS got her way and ALWAYS got to be first, do first, have first, everything first and as the oldest, she does in fact consider herself supremely more entitled than us lesser beings. The phrase “Grand Poobah” may have been bandied about (I’m looking at you, PittGirl). As we pulled into the parking lot Ta-Ta sat with her arms defiantly crossed over her enormous breasts and declared her feelings “hurt” (this was met by a chorus of “boo-frickin’-hoooos”). It was then that we realized what a bad idea this was.

The parking lot was jammed. The store would be as well.

It didn’t take long with our expert teamwork led by the Grand Poobah (you, soda. you, kiddie pool. you, shark necklace. you, water and soda. GO GO POWER RANGERS AND BREAK!)

Twenty minutes later it was check out time and we chewed the cud while trying to decide which lane of cows we were going to wait in, like cattle in line to be branded by the menacing glare of the very tired Wal-Mart cashiers who had likely been staring at the shining sunburned glare of tourists’ faces all day. Luckily, we spotted a self check-out line with no one waiting after the two chicks who were currently swiping their groceries over the scanner doo-hickey.

I ran to grab some lip balm while the rest of the girls waited in line. It took me longer than expected and I was sure by the time I returned to the line, the Sisters would already have checked out and I would have to face the Poobah and receive my punishment for my incredible lack of haste when time, you see, it is of the essence. I’m sure the phrase “poor team player” would be used.

They hadn’t moved. They still stood behind those girls.

PG: You haven’t moved.

Ta-Ta the Grand Poobah: [eye roll and head gesture nodding toward the girls in front of us]

PG: What? What are they doing? [looks closer] ARE THEY PAYING THE SELF-CHECKOUT MACHINE WITH ONE DOLLAR BILLS?!?!

Tina Fey: They are.

PG: Seriously?!

Ohio Sister: Srsly.

We watched a bit longer and indeed. They were shoving dollar bill after dollar bill into the machine like they were loading an ATM machine up for the bank. I am not exaggerating when I tell you that it took them at least ten minutes just to pay for their food.

PG: Are we on Candid Camera?

Pens Fan: Bwah!

PG: MTV’s Boiling Points?!?

Tina Fey: You’re not going to win any money if we are.

PG: Hell no!

So we watched them feed the machine. One. Dollar. At. A. Time.

Tina Fey: If they run out of dollar bills and start up with quarters, I’ll lose it. Swear to God.

The blond chick turned around to us and said, “Boy. It used to be there was a time when you actually had a cashier scan your groceries and take your money.” Oh. Thank you for waxing nostalgic, as if we want to hear anything out of your mouth OTHER than why the hell you are using a stack of 75 ONE DOLLAR BILLS TO PAY THE SELF-CHECK OUT MACHINE.

And really, you probably think I’m making this up — this little situation where when it’s happening to you, you can’t quite believe what you’re seeing. Where you’re sure that finally, on this day, you’re on a reality show and any second now, a former boy-bander probably named Lachey is going to pop out behind the cash register and declare that America is watching you … and laughing at you.

Luckily for you, I took Saucy to the beach with me and she was much obliged to snap this photo while shaking her head all, “Girl. You want I can choke these stupid bitches for you.”

Calm down, Saucy. There is no need. Just take the picture. Here’s the photo she snapped on the tail end of their dollar bill feeding frenzy. So imagine how big of a stack of ones that originally was.

As we were leaving the store, Pens Fan turned to the four of us and declared, “I bet I know what they do for a living.”

What?

“Bow-chicka-bow.”

Oh, holla.

Also, Propel hurts like a mother when it shoots out of your nose.

But that’s a story for another time.





37 Comments

  1. Mme.G
    July 22, 2008 1:32 pm

    Uh, excuse me – SODA???! This is the Burgh Blog – it best be POP now, yinz hear?



  2. spoon
    July 22, 2008 1:36 pm

    I thought strippers dressed like strippers all the time. Man I need to stop going to the Cricket Lounge and find me a quality dancer.



  3. BIGGEORGE
    July 22, 2008 1:41 pm

    Ahhhhhh……, that hitS the spot.

    Welcome back PG! Sure have missed yinz!



  4. BobM
    July 22, 2008 2:34 pm

    Speaking as an eldest child, Ta-Ta is absolutely entitled to whatever she wants! That you could even question such a basic law of nature is … well… just poopy-headed!

    :)



  5. Jimmy the Freak
    July 22, 2008 2:50 pm

    I’m sorry, did the story continue past “As we pulled into the parking lot Ta-Ta sat with her arms defiantly crossed over her enormous breasts …”?



  6. gumbygirl
    July 22, 2008 3:15 pm

    I was at Wally World the other day and some old fart was at the self checkout with a cart full of produce and no freaking clue how to use the damn thing. Why don’t people use their heads? This guy spent ten minutes easy trying to figure it out before a cashier took pity on his pathetic geezery ineptitude and did it for him. There were only a few people in each of the regular checkouts- he could have been out of there in a minute, but nooo!



  7. A Model Citizen
    July 22, 2008 3:51 pm

    You have to love a WalMart shopping list. Soda, water, lip balm….and a POOL?!



  8. Spud's dad
    July 22, 2008 4:16 pm

    @A Model Citizen:

    It’s not just Wallyworld. You can do the same thing at K-Mart, Target, heck, even Walgreen’s and Rite Aid if the season’s right.

    This comment has no purpose other than to mention Walgreen’s and Rite Aid, after which I can say, , I miss Thrift Drug (NOT Eckerd) and PharMor. And Jim’s Thrift City in Shaler. Any store that had “Thrift” in its name, I miss.



  9. Ravishing Rick
    July 22, 2008 4:42 pm

    Thanks !



  10. plexxer
    July 22, 2008 5:22 pm

    You know, just because she was paying with all singles doesn’t necessarily mean she’s a stripper. I mean, if I saw a bunch of women right behind them standing in line at Wally World buying lip balm, water and an inflatable swimming pool… okay, I’d think you we’re all strippers.



  11. Burgh Wanna Be
    July 22, 2008 6:06 pm

    You think me being the oldest would be the “Grand Poobah” But NOOOO my baby brother is. My sister & I are 5 1/2 & 7 yrs. older. We spoiled him something awful. But you know what he grew up to be a really decent guy and a terrific dad.



  12. retiredguy
    July 22, 2008 8:47 pm

    Hey, it’s “exotic dancer”.

    When standing behind folks like these girls in the checkout line, I have a habit of whistling “If I only had a brain”. I don’t even realize I’m doing it anymore.



  13. pgh412
    July 22, 2008 9:15 pm

    I always get behind the losers that have a cart full of stuff and they divide it up into about 20 separate orders, because they are shopping for the whole tenement.



  14. medgirl
    July 22, 2008 10:58 pm

    at least they paid with money and not grub stubs they earned for sitting on their asses.



  15. The Dude
    July 23, 2008 6:56 am

    Just as bad…when people are in a “cash only” lane and whip out the plastic…

    They could of have been on a mass vacation as well. They were the ones that volunteered to get supplies and everyone else “chipped in” their few dollars. Can get real annoying at restaurants. That used to happen on our annual family beach trip until someone got wise and we all paid in advance based on spending from the previous year. A responsible person had all da money, all da time, and paid da bills. If any money was left over, just held until next year!



  16. TBD
    July 23, 2008 9:10 am

    WB PG!

    Hope your water, pool and lip balm are holding up well :^)

    re. the dude. What gets me is I can pre-scan the plastic and scrible my name faster than most can fumble through their wallet or ginormous purses for the cash and change. Now what REALLY gets me is those (typically more um “experienced”) persons who still insist on scribling out a friggin check at the checkout. Grrr!



  17. deebee
    July 23, 2008 9:27 am

    We were in Destin several years ago nice empty beach. We are headed to Ocean City MD tomorrow, packed beach,cold water(or so I hear from friends that have just returned),hot sand. First time in more years than I am willing to count that my parents are not going.

    On a sidebar my Senseo coffee machine is wonderful! Not a bad deal for $15.

    I have @ least one lip balm on me @ all time.



  18. bucdaddy
    July 23, 2008 9:32 am

    We demand photographic evidence that Ta-Ta actually exists. NOW!

    Thank you.

    Also? The dynamics in my wife’s family are fascinating. There are four siblings, three girls and a boy. My wife is the middle girl. So she’s not the oldest, she’s not the youngest and she’s not the boy (who is also the baby).

    She IS the one who gets all the shit, of course.



  19. PIttbekoutofpitt
    July 23, 2008 9:49 am

    Destin is beautiful isn’t it?

    it was great to find a new post when I got to work… Your blog gets me through the work day! love it!



  20. Charlie
    July 23, 2008 10:11 am

    Oh man I miss the Panhandle…Destin, Fort Walton Beach, Pensacola…man this is a great time to be there! I miss riding my jet ski out on the gulf!



  21. deebee
    July 23, 2008 10:29 am

    Forgot to add…Maybe these girl are just hard working waitresses @ Captain Bubba’s. Is that place still there?



  22. rickh
    July 23, 2008 12:00 pm

    Hah! Great story. I love the Redneck Riveria. Plenty of “entertainment associates” there. I can’t believe the Grand Poobah has to call anything. It should be understood. That’s church.



  23. Messier
    July 23, 2008 1:15 pm

    mebbe they work at a coin-op laundry or carwash? HEY – it could happen! Did they smell like strawberry air freshener? That narrows it down to strip clubs and carwash. Living vicariously on vacation through your blog, I remain, M.



  24. Megan
    July 23, 2008 1:23 pm

    Great story!

    Deebee – I don’t wanna hijack this section, feel free to email megyeah located at yahoo for more Senseo info – glad you like it!!!

    PG – sorry for using your comment section to communicate with Deebee.



  25. Sooska
    July 23, 2008 2:14 pm

    Question: does Ohio Sister have anything to say about that name as it compares to other juicy or descriptive names Ta-Ta, Tina Fey, Pens Fan.? Is there nothing better you can call her, something of her own, but the bland “Ohio Sister?” I feel bad for her having to live in Ohio and all, and then have to live with that public persona too.



  26. maxtalbot
    July 23, 2008 3:57 pm

    So I said to my Magic 8-Ball, “Is PittGirl the funniest person on the planet?”

    The answer: “Likely.”



  27. Loopy
    July 23, 2008 6:43 pm

    For some reason every time I see the one sister’s name “Pens Fan”, in the blog or in the comments, it always looks like “Penis Fan” at first glance.



  28. educ8rshan
    July 23, 2008 7:24 pm

    welcome back! the mention of destin has me all “i want to go back to navarre beach – NOW!” beautiful down there along the panhandle!! enjoy the rest of your vacation!



  29. chrys
    July 23, 2008 8:23 pm

    priceless.. :)



  30. Shibori
    July 23, 2008 9:39 pm

    Back when these self checkouts first started appearing, I was in line at Super K-Mart behind a somewhat prissy looking middle aged lady. This particular self-checkout talked to you to tell what to do. The lady had a bag of those self-serve Voortman bulk cookies from the bakery, and had no idea how to ring them in. The machine said, “Please select your item from the list,” and the lady leaned over and yelled into the machine, “Cookies!”. I started to chuckle. The machine repeated itself, and she said it again, slower: “Coook-eeeeees.” Same thing again. Feeling evil, I leaned over and said to her that maybe she needed to tell it what kind of cookies, so she yelled, slowly, “Sugar cookies!.” At this point I was nearly rolling on the floor. Finally she hit the help button and the girl came to help her finish the order, but it was still pretty awesome.

    But I gotta love the people that get in the self service line with a full cart of veggies and other untagged items.

    And hey, maybe the exotic dancers were tired of servicing others and decided self service would be better?



  31. Still A. Fan
    July 23, 2008 11:37 pm

    you could have at least got their faces in the photo



  32. Karen
    July 24, 2008 6:37 am

    I hate those days, and I usually have a cranky toddler in tow. If stupid people would only learn to shop anywhere than right in front me us life would be so much easier.



  33. NY Luvs Pitts
    July 24, 2008 7:02 am

    What I hate about self checkouts are the people who don’t have a clue what they are doing and hold up the line.



  34. Kelly
    July 24, 2008 12:24 pm

    Ohio sister doesn’t have a cute name because DUH, she’s the youngest. She doesn’t have any pull to even get the shotgun seat on the ride to Wally World, so why waste a good name on her, right??

    I know, I’m the youngest of 4 girls!



  35. Burgh Wanna Be
    July 24, 2008 5:11 pm

    Shibori, I love your story and I needed a good laugh. We used to have these kind of self checkouts in our K-Mart, Walmart & Weis Market, but they got rid of them. Could it be because of people like in your and PittGirl’s stories??



  36. HockeyMom
    July 25, 2008 9:12 am

    Pitt Girl – you are freaking hilarious!I love your blog! I feel your pain – was in the Public in Destin 2 weeks a go and had to break into the Rolling Rock in line. P.S. I do like the Pens too….



  37. mrs pitsberger
    July 26, 2008 10:39 pm

    Tell Saucy she takes wicked bas ass pics.

    Thanks for blogging on vacay, by the way. You made my Friday.

    I wasn’t trying to rhyme, it just kind of worked out that.