As you know, I got a Wii Fit, because when you’re walking through Target and you spy a lone Wii Fit sitting behind a locked glass door all, “OMG. I’m always picked last!”, you buy that sucker. So I did. I had wanted one since I first learned what it was because I absolutely hate having exercise equipment littering my house. Unlike Tina Fey who has an exercise room in her frickin’ palace, I don’t have the space for the Treadmill 6000 or the Abdominizer 2000 or Tony Little’s Annoyingly Manic Torture Machine X200.
I figured a little white balance board, a computerized tracking of my progress, and a calm, soothing-voiced virtual personal trainer were just what I needed to improve my strength and my fitness because tennis just doesn’t happen anymore.
What happens is you turn on your little board, you put in your disk and suddenly, there’s a little animated Wii Fit Board on your TV talking to you like this, “Blibbity blippity bip boop tweeedle deee dooo deee dum? Dee do bum bum. Boo dee.” while the translation runs above him.
He’s saying things like, “Hi! Welcome to Wii Fit! Let me tell you a little bit about why balance is so important…” and then Fitty (that’s what I named him) goes into a whole speech about balance and proper posture and all this is leading up to a test.
A test of my balance, Fitty says, is going to help him figure out my Wii Age. So he tells me to stand as still as I can and just breathe. Which I do. Then Fitty tells me that my center of balance is a little tilted to the right and that I need to work on that.
Then he tells me that he’s got lots of balance tests, but on this my first day, he’ll take it easy on me and here, do this easy one. So I try Fitty’s balance test. And when I’m done, Fitty actually says to me, “Bippity boop betty boop fleedle dee?” which translated to, “Do you find yourself tripping a lot when you walk?”
I am not making that up. Fitty is an asshole.
Fitty then measures my BMI and tells me it is normal. But that it would be improved if I lost five pounds. Fine. I agree.
When I’ve completed his tests, Fitty tells me he is going to calculate my Wii Fit age and he makes my Mii stand in the center of a dark room with a yellow interrogation light shining on her (again. NOT MAKING THIS UP.) while my Mii wrings her hands all, “OMG. This is it. Come oooooooooon 25! No whammies!”
And then Fitty says, “Your Wii Fit Age is …. 52!”
I’m pretty sure I saw my Mii discreetly flip Fitty off.
So working with Fitty, I set a few weight and BMI goals, stamped the date on the calendar (virtually of course) and then Fitty told me to pick my trainer. The female trainer or the male trainer. I went with the guy because I figured a guy would motivate me and focus me more right? Whereas with the female trainer, I’ll just be distracted and all, “My God. What a TERRIBLE makeup job. And those clothes? Pssh.”
So I named my trainer Steve.
My first day, I did 30 minutes of various balance, strength, and aerobics including a basic jog, which, the little Mii that jogs in front of you and turns and smiles at you to wave you on every three seconds?
Yeah, I wonder can I get close enough to kick her teeth out? Annoying little bugger.
After letting him know I was done, Fitty tracked my progress and told me good night. Thanks for sweating.
Last night, day two, while TiVoing the Olympics, I decided I would try Yoga for the first time in my life, which is really not a good idea when Fitty keeps telling me I have shitty balance and that he bets I fall all the time when I try to do a simple thing like walk.
Did I tell you this was not a good idea?
It wasn’t a good idea.
The first pose I picked was called the Half Moon, and Steve walked me through a demo where we held the pose for like two seconds and I was all, “Pssh. This is cake. Bring on the yoga, Steve. If that is your real name.”
So Steve says, “Okay. Let’s work those muscles. Mirror my motions.”
And he has me assume the position. And hold it. And hold it. And hold it! HOLD IT! Don’t you drop it, PittGirl! Hold the damn pose!
And there’s a little red dot on the screen that if you’re balancing properly is going to stay within the larger yellow circle. My red dot is swimming like a manic sperm, weaving in and out of the yellow circle. I am shaking. Really shaking. But I’m holding the damn pose because that’s what Steve is telling me to do.
And Steve says, “You’re shaking quite a bit. Try using your muscles to stabilize yourself.”
THANKS, STEVE! It’s not like that’s what I was doing.
I don’t know what I was doing trying to use my personality to keep myself balanced.
So last night, after 32 minutes of hula hooping, skiing, jogging, yoga, lunges, soccer, and other such activities, I had Fitty do another body test, after which Fitty told me I had lost 3.1 lbs. in 24 hours, brought my BMI down a notch, AND he gave me a new age of 36.
Obviously Fitty is an inaccurate schizo son of a bitch who just pulls random numbers out of his motherboard.
But on a serious note, I am sore today. Wii Fit has worked every muscle in my body and it did it in 32 minutes with only a minimal amount of yelling at me for being such an off-balanced, slow-reflexed weak lump of clay.
Mold me, Steve. Mold me!