Mii and Wii Fit

As you know, I got a Wii Fit, because when you’re walking through Target and you spy a lone Wii Fit sitting behind a locked glass door all, “OMG. I’m always picked last!”, you buy that sucker. So I did. I had wanted one since I first learned what it was because I absolutely hate having exercise equipment littering my house. Unlike Tina Fey who has an exercise room in her frickin’ palace, I don’t have the space for the Treadmill 6000 or the Abdominizer 2000 or Tony Little’s Annoyingly Manic Torture Machine X200.

I figured a little white balance board, a computerized tracking of my progress, and a calm, soothing-voiced virtual personal trainer were just what I needed to improve my strength and my fitness because tennis just doesn’t happen anymore.

What happens is you turn on your little board, you put in your disk and suddenly, there’s a little animated Wii Fit Board on your TV talking to you like this, “Blibbity blippity bip boop tweeedle deee dooo deee dum? Dee do bum bum. Boo dee.” while the translation runs above him.

He’s saying things like, “Hi! Welcome to Wii Fit! Let me tell you a little bit about why balance is so important…” and then Fitty (that’s what I named him) goes into a whole speech about balance and proper posture and all this is leading up to a test.

A test of my balance, Fitty says, is going to help him figure out my Wii Age. So he tells me to stand as still as I can and just breathe. Which I do. Then Fitty tells me that my center of balance is a little tilted to the right and that I need to work on that.

‘Kay.

Then he tells me that he’s got lots of balance tests, but on this my first day, he’ll take it easy on me and here, do this easy one. So I try Fitty’s balance test. And when I’m done, Fitty actually says to me, “Bippity boop betty boop fleedle dee?” which translated to, “Do you find yourself tripping a lot when you walk?”

I am not making that up. Fitty is an asshole.

Fitty then measures my BMI and tells me it is normal. But that it would be improved if I lost five pounds. Fine. I agree.

When I’ve completed his tests, Fitty tells me he is going to calculate my Wii Fit age and he makes my Mii stand in the center of a dark room with a yellow interrogation light shining on her (again. NOT MAKING THIS UP.) while my Mii wrings her hands all, “OMG. This is it. Come oooooooooon 25!  No whammies!”

And then Fitty says, “Your Wii Fit Age is …. 52!”

[thud]

Fifty. Two?

I’m pretty sure I saw my Mii discreetly flip Fitty off.

So working with Fitty, I set a few weight and BMI goals, stamped the date on the calendar (virtually of course) and then Fitty told me to pick my trainer. The female trainer or the male trainer. I went with the guy because I figured a guy would motivate me and focus me more right? Whereas with the female trainer, I’ll just be distracted and all, “My God. What a TERRIBLE makeup job. And those clothes? Pssh.”

So I named my trainer Steve.

My first day, I did 30 minutes of various balance, strength, and aerobics including a basic jog, which, the little Mii that jogs in front of you and turns and smiles at you to wave you on every three seconds?

Yeah, I wonder can I get close enough to kick her teeth out? Annoying little bugger.

After letting him know I was done, Fitty tracked my progress and told me good night. Thanks for sweating.

Last night, day two, while TiVoing the Olympics, I decided I would try Yoga for the first time in my life, which is really not a good idea when Fitty keeps telling me I have shitty balance and that he bets I fall all the time when I try to do a simple thing like walk.

Did I tell you this was not a good idea?

It wasn’t a good idea.

The first pose I picked was called the Half Moon, and Steve walked me through a demo where we held the pose for like two seconds and I was all, “Pssh. This is cake. Bring on the yoga, Steve. If that is your real name.”

So Steve says, “Okay. Let’s work those muscles. Mirror my motions.”

And he has me assume the position. And hold it. And hold it. And hold it! HOLD IT! Don’t you drop it, PittGirl! Hold the damn pose!

And there’s a little red dot on the screen that if you’re balancing properly is going to stay within the larger yellow circle. My red dot is swimming like a manic sperm, weaving in and out of the yellow circle. I am shaking. Really shaking. But I’m holding the damn pose because that’s what Steve is telling me to do.

And Steve says, “You’re shaking quite a bit. Try using your muscles to stabilize yourself.”

[blink]

THANKS, STEVE! It’s not like that’s what I was doing.

I don’t know what I was doing trying to use my personality to keep myself balanced.

So last night, after 32 minutes of hula hooping, skiing, jogging, yoga, lunges, soccer, and other such activities, I had Fitty do another body test, after which Fitty told me I had lost 3.1 lbs. in 24 hours, brought my BMI down a notch, AND he gave me a new age of 36.

Obviously Fitty is an inaccurate schizo son of a bitch who just pulls random numbers out of his motherboard.

But on a serious note, I am sore today. Wii Fit has worked every muscle in my body and it did it in 32 minutes with only a minimal amount of yelling at me for being such an off-balanced, slow-reflexed weak lump of clay.

Mold me, Steve. Mold me!





26 Comments

  1. Goob
    August 13, 2008 9:58 am

    Sharp light from the hallway spills in to the dim quiet of the apartment as the door opens, draining away again when the latch closes with a soft and careful click. Fingers trace the wall to find the switch and the room fills again, this time with a softer light. There is tea in a pitcher in the refrigerator, and a clean glass on the counter, easy to fill. The day bag is left slumped against the stool in the kitchen.

    In the living room, glass in hand, Steve sits heavily on the couch and closes his eyes.



  2. Sooska
    August 13, 2008 10:01 am

    Thank you Pittgirl- you have saved me from myself adn I will not buy a Wii. I hate disembodied voices instructing (no, demanding) I do anything. I once had a Lexmark printer that had the haughtiest woman in the universe telling me “your ink is low” and I wanted to shoot it with an elephant gun. If you are 52 I bet I am 127. The 3 lbs in 24 hours? keep it up – you can quit exercising today.



  3. Amanda
    August 13, 2008 10:11 am

    Hmm… I’ve only had my Wii for about a week… but I already have carpal tunnel. I swear. Maybe Steve could help me strengthen my wrists.



  4. Deb
    August 13, 2008 10:12 am

    Not to say it but I have to .. I told you so. You will flip off that screen more times than not. It’s fun though especially when you unlock all the Yoga poses. Look out PittGirl, holding those poses while swearing and flipping off the screen takes a lot of practice!



  5. Allison
    August 13, 2008 10:14 am

    Number 1: Did you notice the ponytail on Steve? Not attractive.

    And Number 2: Don’t worry about the age thing. I’m 23 and I got 61 my first time out. It’s the whole balance test thing. It sucks. I’m now down to 26.



  6. Christina
    August 13, 2008 10:18 am

    If it’s making your weight seem all erratic, put the little extension feet on the bottom of it. It makes it much more accurate.

    I get pretty angry at my Wii Fit, too. I hate when that little trannie voice yells at me that I’m fidgeting too much or that I must trip a lot. It’s a jerk.

    Also, my dog gets pretty weirded out when I use it. He stands behind me and tilts his head a lot and barks. Once, he went after my feet when I was jogging. I guess he gets confused and upset when I’m jogging around the living room holding a remote and swearing at the television.



  7. Christina
    August 13, 2008 10:19 am

    (Also I mean no offense to the transexuals who may read this blog.)



  8. back in the burgh
    August 13, 2008 10:29 am

    OK, my Wii Fit has been sitting in my family room for a month untouched … still in the original box. But, tonight I will get it out and see how old I am … probably at least 70! Thanks for letting me know what to expect from Fitty!!



  9. Stephanique1
    August 13, 2008 10:47 am

    Any suggestions out there on how to buy a Wii? Stores are all out of them (of course). Circuit City, Best Buy, Toys R Us, Target all say they don’t know they get them until the day the truck arrives. All suggest to try back on Sunday….



  10. Deb
    August 13, 2008 10:52 am

    Stephanique1…I hate to say this place because I tend not to shop there much but Walmart. Also try Costco. My brother got a membership there just to get his son a Wii. Most people don’t think of these two places so you might have better luck there.

    As for a Wii Fit, it took me forever of calling stores and finally I got one at Toys R Us…last one too!!

    Good luck!!!



  11. TeacherMomma
    August 13, 2008 10:52 am

    My husband was all pissed off the first day because, after his first body test, Fitty made his Mii look all fat. So now his mission is to slim down his Mii.



  12. Brian
    August 13, 2008 11:02 am

    MEASURING … MEASURING … MEASURING …

    Sorry. Flashbacks.



  13. In Sewickley
    August 13, 2008 11:03 am

    I want a Wii. So jealous. But I don’t want a Wii Fit now.



  14. Jeff Reed
    August 13, 2008 11:04 am

    Christina — No offense taken!!



  15. emstef23
    August 13, 2008 11:11 am

    you can also try game stop for a used one – it won’t cost you as much. that’s where my brother got his. good luck!



  16. Nel
    August 13, 2008 11:20 am

    And what’s so wrong about being 52?????????
    (Other than not knowing WTF a Wii is)
    How much do you have to pay for this thing that yells and humiliates you?



  17. Nel
    August 13, 2008 11:23 am

    And lies, the thing apparently lies also.



  18. sean
    August 13, 2008 11:25 am

    There’s nothing wrong with being 52…. Unless you’re only 26.



  19. Angie
    August 13, 2008 11:50 am

    I have a Wii and i find this amusing… cause i swear alot too at the wii tennis “How did that swing not register!? Damnit. I swung at that ball!….” But I think I will pass on the Wii Fit…



  20. scottie
    August 13, 2008 1:06 pm

    Ok.. Couple things..

    1) Wait until you unlock the rhythmic boxing…you will have so much fun kicking the sh*t out of a smug punching bag that tells you what to do
    2) The penguin balance activity is horribly retarded…I mean, really, put my Mii in a penguin suit and make me eat fish?? That’s torture
    3) The Wii Fit age is based on your balance more than your BMI, so I choose not to go that far on purpose.
    4) Wait until you get the one exercise where you have to sit on your Fitty (is that like Fitty-cent?) and stare at a candle in the dark and it makes noises like some ax-murderer is sneaking up on you and dares you not to move…oh, and then a moth flies into the flame and dies a fiery death (I’m not making this sh*t up)…you will find yourself thinking “if only that were a pigeon…” and then it will smack you on the “screen” with a chinese symbol that I swear says “FAT AMERICAN!” and the flame goes out. Again..not making this sh*t up.
    5) Have fun!



  21. Izzy
    August 13, 2008 2:26 pm

    Cracking me up, people…I want to hear more. This post did inspire me to get out the Dance, Dance, Revolution I bought in the Spring. PG, we will have to have weekly updates on your progress….Good Luck!



  22. Rick
    August 13, 2008 3:01 pm

    Yeah…fitty made my Mii a fatty too. I can only use it when the kids aren’t around becaue I drop wwwwaaayyyy too many f-bombs. Don’t you also love that fact that fitty makes a sound like he’s in agonizing pain when you step on him. Has anyone made it successfully across the tightrope?



  23. scottie
    August 13, 2008 8:21 pm

    P.S. don’t do the tight rope one….it’s got pigeon-like birds that fly around you… just a friendly warning.



  24. TheJim
    August 13, 2008 8:41 pm

    The worst thing about Wii Fit is, when you start an activity and it says “Step On!” and then when you do, it goes “ooof!”.

    Also, I am *THE* greatest Wii Tennis player in the western hemisphere.



  25. mike Belgrove
    August 18, 2008 2:51 pm

    I’m loving my Wii Fit though I mostly use it just for weighing myself and charting my weight. Its the first game that I’ve bought for the Wii that my girlfriend is actually willing to play.