1. In case you’re wondering, and let’s just for the sake of my enormous ego pretend that you are, I’m still having my nightly date with WiiSteve, who, by the way, recently cut off his little ponytail.
I was all, “Steve! You cut your hair! You look good!” and he was all, “Let’s work on those abs!”
It’s a very odd relationship we have.
My weight is holding constant (but I blame Fitty for that because as has been recorded, he’s an inaccurate asshole), my center of balance is spot on, and not only are my clothes fitting a little more awesomely but I’ve also found that my posture has improved.
Steve is all right.
2. Here’s a What The Effie looking for a virtual girlfriend. A girlfriend he never plans to meet. He says she must have a dark sense of humor. I’d like to add “and zero self-esteem” to that.
3. And here’s another What The Effie and it’s not so much because she is covered in tattoos at the age of 20, and not so much because she is into “body modification” (don’t have anything in your stomach when you read that Wiki, okay?) but because HOLY SHIT LOOK AT HER EAR LOBES!
I will never understand why kids do that. I mean, you could fit a hot dog in there. And what does it look like when she’s older, ready to settle down and maybe get married and have kids and she decides to take them out. Do her lobes just hang like fleshy hoop earrings? Does she use the hole to hold her keys? A place to put a spare tube of lipstick? And what about when she’s like 80? In the nursing home? And she realizes she can’t find her teeth and her nurse comes in her room and is like, “Millie. Your teeth are stuck in your ear hole again.”
Ew.
(h/t th3t3chb0y)
4. My self-united husband’s wife (well, that sounds odd) is sick, so me and the guys have been comforting him lately with David’s impromptu performances of each of Shakespeare’s comedies, with casual games of flag football while Daniel watches from the sidelines, and repeated airings of Jurassic Park during which Matt goes on these little tangents at the writers all, “What part of dinoflagellate cystic micropaleontology don’t you understand?! God.”
Here’s to my husband’s wife. May she get well fast because Doug is a real drag when he’s worried about the woman he really loves.
There has been like ZERO sports-butt slapping. I kind of miss it.
(h/t Ex-Pat Pittsburgh Girl)
5. He may no longer be a Steeler, he may close up his store on Fifth (Southern Royalty Clothing), but that doesn’t mean we can’t still make fun of Najeh Davenport, AKA The Defecator, AKA Dump Truck, and now thanks to reader Paul, we can add one more: The Poopetrator.
Can you imagine when the police showed up at his girlfriend’s house? “Is the Poopetrator still inside?”
Awesome. That story will never get old.
6. A pigeon was found painted purple in a New York City park and let me answer the two questions I know you’re asking yourself.
No, I was not in New York City recently.
Yes, if given the paint and the pigeon, I would gladly and quite cheerfully paint a pigeon purple.
I’m sure there’s some museum in the world that would consider that art.
(h/t Bill, Allison, Aunt Annie, Linda and anyone I missed)
7. The co-owner of Downey’s House in Robinson wrote an open letter to Dan Onorato about the Onorato Tax and I hope he reads it. Really reads it.
READ IT, DAN ONORATO! DO YOU HEAR PITTGIRL?!
8. Finally, a text just in from Pens Fan.
“Totally had a dream last night that I was dating Michael Phelps. It was a good dream. I am self-uniting to him. I don’t care if people say he is ugly. He is beautiful to me.”
So I guess the point is, step off, girls. She called dibs. On that horsey-face.
[ducks]
