To spite me.

Please take a look at this here cover for the latest issue of Whirl

They love The Asshat over there at Whirl.  Wonder why?  Let’s take a look:

Soft spoken and a bit shy. Unassuming, even. These are not terms one might expect to apply to a star athlete, a starting player for a wildly successful NFL team, and especially not terms one might expect to apply to a man who likes to be photographed in the shower wearing absolutely nothing to veil his giant penis.

Okay.  Maybe I added that last part.  But still.  Santonio Holmes.  Soft spoken?  Shy?  Unassuming?

Is this their special opposite issue?

Is the next article going to be about how Benny has been named Giorgio Armani’s next celebrity underwear spokes model?

Let’s read on:

amazingly long. Inhumanly long.

I’ll let you read for yourself which body part she’s talking about.

Now all that said:

He e-mailed us answers to our questions in advance — signed “Mr. 561,” for his star high school football days in Belle Glade, Fla. — and drove himself to our offices for the photo shoot, arriving on time and sans agent, publicist, or bodyguard. We were bowled over by how kind and reserved he was.

Again.  Are we absolutely sure we are talking about Santonio Holmes?  The Asshat?  Babymama choker?  Public drunkenness arrestee?  Naked eyeball-searing shower photo subject?  THAT Santonio Holmes?

I’m confused.  And intrigued.  No.  More confused. And a little icked out at the thought of Benny modeling whitey-tighties.

(h/t Liz)


  1. Sooska
    August 22, 2008 11:41 am

    Whirling Asshat. hmm Do you think all of this extra effort on his part (driving himself for Gawd’s sake) is just his way of manufacturing good publicity for a change? His sagent probably smacked him in he ass on his way out the door and said, “Go get ’em!”

    Is the writer now pregnant with his child?

  2. pittgirl
    August 22, 2008 11:43 am

    I’m so glad I’m not the only one that thought the writer and editor were fawning over him like a little injured puppy.


  3. NY Luvs Pitts
    August 22, 2008 11:50 am

    Soft spoken and a bit shy. Unassuming, even. HAH!!! LMAO!!!

  4. Ant Annie
    August 22, 2008 11:50 am

    I thought they were joking when they mentioned “star athlete”…

  5. firefly88
    August 22, 2008 12:12 pm

    Maybe I have a broken synapse or two, but I don’t see any relationship between an article profiling the Asshat and speculation about Roethlisberger’s underwear.

    Oh, wait…maybe you wanted to see BEN naked in the shower? (Muwahhahah! Try to get that image outta your head for the rest of the day…)

  6. Lyon Advocate
    August 22, 2008 12:25 pm

    Please lay off Santonio. How would you feel if when you left (graduated?) college your first job required you to take a pay cut? I know he’s well compensated by the Steelers, but I doubt they pay him what the Ohio State University was laying out.

  7. ark
    August 22, 2008 12:39 pm




    Did anyone follow the link to Whirl and look at the pictures? They coated his face with Vaseline and doused him with water to simulate sweat. And then they took a bunch of pictures of him that are pretty….embarrassing. If that were me, I would NOT let those pictures go to press. I’m just sayin’.

  8. joey
    August 22, 2008 1:02 pm

    Why would a guy who is a potential big-time NFL star still be living out his high school glory, signing e-mails “Mr. 561”? WTF, is he Al Bundy?

    Oh, and Leslie Hoffman … not what I was expecting.

  9. Bram R
    August 22, 2008 1:13 pm

    Okay, I actually had to go consult my copy of The Whirl to see if it really did inform its readers of that fun fact in that fashion. They did not. Well played.

    It didn’t make any sense; it’s Whirl, but it’s not quite MANIAC.

  10. Bram R
    August 22, 2008 1:15 pm

    Oh and did you see pages 94-95. Alison > Sonni, at least this round.

  11. MiamiShyner
    August 22, 2008 1:18 pm

    I wonder how the photo shoot went for this…

    Photog: Okay, Mr. 561, gimme your best.

    Santonio: Well, what’s my motivation? I want this to look good.

    Photog: Pretend you’re naked in the shower?

    Santonio: OH! Yeah, I can do that.

  12. chrys
    August 22, 2008 1:18 pm

    LOL!! shy and unassuming? interesting.. I find it hard to believe someone who physically abused a woman can be called “shy and unassuming”.. ever in their lifetime.

    For the record, how many kids does Asshat have?

  13. toni
    August 22, 2008 3:47 pm

    Soft spoken? Well I guess u don’t need to speak when you have a GIANT penis waving in a pic….guess he’s all speak softly but carry a big stick. Shy? Unassuming? Uhh Huh uh.

    From that shower photo op Santonio is hoping yinz give him a whirl.

  14. pittgirl
    August 22, 2008 6:54 pm


    Benny naked.

    It’s in my brain now.


  15. proud to be a minion
    August 23, 2008 8:49 am

    I think it possible that pittgirl is holding a grudge that she needs to let go. He made a few mistakes as a young man. GET OVER it!

    I mean I know Pittgirl was a angel and all but give it a rest!

  16. steelcityfan
    August 25, 2008 12:01 am

    Not only is this funny in a twisted two headed turtle kind of way – but it’s almost as if Whirl magazine is wording their article to make themselves seem even more legendary.

    Ex: By stating that they were “bowelled” – OH WAIT – “bowled over” by the fact that he drove himself and didn’t have a bodyguard leads us to wonder what kind of normal celebrities whirl is hanging with these days. Madonna? Julia Roberts? Brangelina and the UN?

    It’s a two for one deal – they can puff up Asshat’s ego AND make themselves look more important by association. Irritatingly brilliant.

  17. maxtalbot
    August 25, 2008 9:14 am

    What? You were expecting journalism or at the very least well-crafted feature writing from Whirl? Don’t make me laugh.

  18. Christine
    August 25, 2008 10:21 am

    I thought THE SAME THING when my copy of Whirl arrived (why they send it to me, I have no idea — I am hardly the society-pages type). They can’t find anyone worthy to feature? And what’s with the bare feet?