That's Church

Pat Ford resigned from his position as URA boss with what the PG calls a “strongly worded letter.” His resignation is effective at the end of this year, thus ensuring he will get paid to do absolutely nothing 8 of the 12 months of 2008.

This man is evilgenius.

Some things he is not so genius about:

1. NEVER resign your position with a letter detailing why you resigned and never insult your boss while you’re doing it. Paper trail = bad news when you’re hunting for a new job. You just say, hey, I quit. Thanks for the opportunity to work with you, but I feel my talents would be better used elsewhere. Good luck, bitches. THEN go home and poke pins into the eyes of your Luke Ravenstahl voodoo doll.

I believed that by working together we could have a positive impact on this city, embracing all that it has to offer. But that vision never materialized, and as I have always said, ‘Where there is no vision, people perish.’ I have no desire to perish along with Luke Ravenstahl’s Pittsburgh.

2. Please do not quote the Bible and claim it as your own. I refer you to Proverbs 29:18 which states, “Where there is no vision, the people perish.”

“To this day, my wife and I are being persecuted with no support from the administration I served, for no real reason whatsoever,”

3. Please do not play the martyr and expect us to feel sorry for you because first, you’ve been paid since April and second, dude, you nailed yourself to that cross with your own actions and the actions of your wife.

You’re not Jesus. We don’t feel sorry for you.

Now, if you’re disappointed with your political party, can I suggest you join the Choke-A-Bitchocratic party? Here’s the deal though — We don’t take no shit, so you’ll need to stop being shady, stop being an Annoying Burgher, stop being a martyr, stop being a cigar-smoking, power suit-wearing, egomaniacal faker and start being real.

Think about it.

1. Today is a beautiful day here in the Burgh. Like one of those days where you stare out your window at the office and wonder how much trouble you would get into if you ran screaming out the door like Calvin all, “This is the only life I’ve got!”

2. An email in my personal, non-PittGirl Facebook inbox from Tina Fey who I tagged in a vacation photo and she decided she looked unattractive and demanded I remove the photo. I ignored her initial request.

Take the photo down immediately or I will post that one of you when you were 12 and had the old lady hair and the glasses.

Whoa. Bitch fights dirty. Photo removed.

Also, don’t bother trying to find my other Facebook. Futile efforts.

3. Jon Delano is holding a roundtable with some local bloggers tonight to discuss their reactions to Obama and the convention. Gosh. I hope there will be mooning.

4. Being a pilot. Ur doing it wrong.

5. I imagine if David Letterman had a Top Ten Ways to Tell if Your Wife Is Batshit Crazy, that number one would be, “She says ‘f&#* you’ in church group.”

My wife is beautiful and very fit. She works hard to stay in shape, and she hates being called “skinny” and she goes overboard when someone calls her that, to the point of annoying and embarrassing me. One example: At a church group someone called her skinny, and she replied, “How would you like it if I said, ‘F%$# you, you are fat’?”

That sounds like a super badass church group.

6. Re: the Sonni Abatta did she or didn’t she discussion. Two different sources, one directly and one indirectly have said Sonni had no work done on her face but did get new hair and makeup. Time and super hi-res close-up side-by-side comparisons will tell.

7. A foodie does Primanti’s and leaves happy, and probably a little bit bloated.

(h/t Spoon)

8. David Conrad turned 41 on August 17 and I totally forgot his birthday. He’s miffed, for sure.

Like the other day, we were watching Doug on TV playing with the Buccos of Suckitude while Daniel was off at his church group (hopefully not the one with the lady that swears, though.) and Matt was off in Australia trying to dig up some stupid dinosaur and I was all, “Wow. That was a nice hit!” and David was like, “Forsooth. Shut your whore mouth.”

I bet he doesn’t get me anything for my birthday next year.

This is Smokin’ Hot Burgher Sonni Abatta this morning. Something seems … different.

I’m not imagining this right?

UPDATED to add side by side:

Those butt-face jerks over at the Steelers cut Smokin’ Hot Burgher, former Olympic skier, the self-united husband of many a girl, Jeremy Bloom from the team today.

Daniel is out for the season.  Now Jeremy’s hotness is gone.

Whose countenance should I gaze upon now?  Huh?

The putridness of Benny’s?  The skeeviness of Skippy’s?  The asshatiness of Santonio’s?  The scruffiness of Troysus’?  The cheesecake-oozing pores of Baby Cici Donna’s?

I am so so sad.  I mean, THIS is a guy who should have minions.

Goodbye, my love.  You were so so so pretty.

The PG has an adorable little multimedia gem in which they showcase various animals that live in our zoo or in the National Aviary.

Well, it WAS an adorable multimedia gem until they decided to feature a pigeon in their Creature Feature.

The Victoria Crowned Pigeon to be exact.  Some thoughts.

1.  When I sit on a bench in the Point, enjoying the water, and I decide to contemplate what animals would reside in my personal hell, topping my list that includes snakes, hairy spiders, scary howler monkeys, and Steely McBeam, is always A PIGEON AS BIG AS A FRICKIN’ CHICKEN!

That is a big giant pigeon.  I bet I couldn’t kick that thing three yards.  But that’s why I married Daniel Sepulveda.  Soon as his knee heals, we’re heading to the Aviary.  Watch out, Vicky.  I hope you know how to swim.

2.  I know, I know.  You’re like, “PittGirl.  It is a BEAUTIFUL bird!  Look at the pretty feathers in his head.  Why would you want to punt it into the Allegheny?”

I wrote it before, and I will write it again … I could stick some pretty feathers in a pile of horse poop, call it the Victoria Crowned Poop of Horse and guess what?

It’s still a pile of horse poop.

3.  There’s a point in the video where that deranged Aviary employee explains that the Victoria Crowned Sack of Poop has this “amazing ability” to make a loud booming noise by tipping their head forward and “bowing.”

Then they show the pigeon with a little girl standing next to it.  And the pigeon starts aggressively and deliberately pecking at the ground and making the noise (2:03 into the video).

She calls it bowing when clearly, Burghers, CLEARLY you can see that what is really happening is that pigeon is saying, “Child.  Let me show you exactly how I will peck your eyeballs out if my handler turns her back.”

Run, kiddies.  Run.

(h/t Jamie, Scott, and Sue)