Monthly Archives: September 2008

What They’re Really Thinking: Dropping like flies edition.

An email from reader Valerie:

At the end of last night’s game I reviewed the text messages that have gone back and forth among my son, my daughter and me for the preseason, Browns, Eagles and Ravens games and realized just how much The Burghblog is part of our lives:

  • From preseason: “Ben hit the Asshat for a TD!”
  • From Browns: “Troysus! Int to end the half!”
  • From Browns: “FG Skippy!”
  • From Eagles: “Skippy from 53.”
  • From Eagles: “Troysus is alive! Top 10 pick of all time.”
  • From Ravens: “Touchdown Asshat! Touchdown Asshat!”
  • From Ravens: “Skippy Skeve! Sluts were on the line.”

Thanks for making our Steeler lives so much fun. Others look at us like we’re crazy when we use your terms, but hey, we know we’re part of the in-crowd and they’re not.

First, AWESOME!

Second, it must be noted that Skippy was always Skippy, I just added the Skeeve. And the whores.

Third, Ben?!  BEN?!?  I think you mean The Duke.

I forgive you.

On to the game:

1.  The Ravens are our enemies, and that means trash talk.  Lots of it.

Not even FORMER Steelers were spared:

2.  Troysus showed up again, and brought his best bud Jesus with him.

Jesus, a Steelers fan.  It makes perfect sense.  We have Troysus, Troysus has Jesus, we have Jesus.

Jesus apparently doesn’t care about the running backs.

3.  Asshat.  Beautiful, beautiful touchdown.  And did you guys see how improved his blocking is?  He has been taught well by Hines.

Wait. Let me find it.  Here we go. Go to 1:20 and watch him go all BAM!

4.  I don’t know what the hell the Steelers’ problem was for the first two quarters of this game, but they weren’t playing football.  They were doing the Hokey Pokey.

You put your head in …

You put your head out …

you put your head in …

and you shake it all about …

You do the Hokey Pokey and you turn yourself around …

That’s what it’s all a-bout!

Thank God they stopped that hokey crap and managed to pull out a W in what sure was looking like a big fat L.

Next week, the return of The Defacator.  It should be shitastic.

I hope Jesus comes.  We might need him.





Swag.

While I’m working on finding time to finish up What They’re Really Thinking, go to Burgh Baby and WIN FREE STUFF!

It’s for a good cause.

I’ll be here writing about field goals and possibly penises and sluts.

We’ll see what the brain cooks up today.





Fire burn and cauldron bubble.

The Steelers are bringing back The Dump Truck, The Defecator, Dookie, Davenpoop, The Poopetrator, The Big Shit Najeh Davenport to replace their first, second, and third running backs, all of whom are now maimed and injured, with Mendenhall and Davis both going down last night.

Some questions:

1. Will Najeh re-open his ridiculously sad Southern Royalty clothing store on Fifth Avenue, which he emptied out the week after he was released from the team?

2.  Are we absolutely sure Najeh Davenport didn’t put a hex on the running backs?  Some voodoo?  Some Magick?  Some scientology science?  Some rat heads in a bubbling stew of horse pee and a few drops of Kordell Stewart’s zit juice — a rancid stew that he stirs slowly with a giant spoon all, “Mwah-hahaha!” before he sprinkles it in their helmets?

I’m just saying, it’s convenient is all.

(h/t NotreDame 9207 and Paul)





PittGirl mines Craigslist.

The economy and possibly THE WORLD broke today.  Let’s all cover our ears, pretend it didn’t happen and take some time to make fun of weird Burghers, m’kay?

‘Kay.

1.  He wants to find his goth queen. I want to know if he can give me some makeup tips because I can never get my blue eyeliner to QUITE look so perfect.  I’d also like to know what the hell kind of goth/vampire hangs out at coffee shops after a long walk in the cemetery at night?  Don’t they then go and drink goat blood or something?

2.  “Not only am I not a wimp, I’m SO not a wimp that I eat trees for breakfast.  Chuck Norris wishes he ate trees for breakfast.”

3.  Aw.  Not very weird.  Witty humor. I hope he finds someone.

4.  Don’t bust his stitches. No really.  Don’t bust his stitches.

5.  I read this ad and I shivered.  Not a good shiver.  Like a “that guy wants to read me poetry and then probably kill me” shiver.  No idea why.

6.   “Have you ever wondered if there was more to life, other than being really, really, ridiculously good looking?” (Google it.)

8.  WHAT?

7.  … and that’s just how I roll, yo.





Random n’at.

1. Last night while trying to look graceful doing the yoga Dancer pose, but looking more like the Drunk Emu pose, I pulled something in my neck and today I am all crooked and in pain.

Damn you, WiiSteve and your, “Don’t give up.  Hold the pose.  Your legs are shaking a little.  Use your core muscles to stabilize yourself, you unbalanced piece of shit.”

2. On a whim and realizing I had only some dude named J.T. O’Sullivan (WTF?) to play as my quarterback due to Peyton Manning’s bye week, I traded to acquire one Mr. Brett Favre as my backup quarterback for this week’s Yinz League Fantasy Football matchup.

And Brett Favre got me six touchdown.

Boo-ya!  PittGirl’s Minions are on the warpath.

3.  Is anyone flinging a virgin sacrifice into the mouth of a volcano in preparation for tonight’s game?  Benny is going to need it.  So is Mendenhall.

4.  Chad Hermann says, “See ya, suckers!” in grand Next Page fashion and even gives a little dig at those who hide behind their anonymity.

Touche!

5.   My self-united husband Dougie was voted by the Buccos of Suckitude as the team leader:

The majority choice of the vocal, emotional Mientkiewicz was no surprise … “Dougie’s the man,” Ian Snell said. “He’s been there for us every single day.”

Dougie is the man.  My man.  Step off.

6.  A writer for the San Jose Mercury News writes about the charms of the Burgh.  And if you’re drinking for the word confluence it’s your lucky day.

Ding!

7.  Speaking of the Buccos of Suckitude, Pedro Alvarez finally signed on with the team and I would just like to say to Pedro, “Welcome to The Suck!”

8.  Lukey is sick and has missed a few days of work because of it.

Get well, Lukey!  Make sure the Dread Lord isn’t just putting the juju on you.

9. LaMont Jones is going to be a judge for a Halloween costume contest and here’s what I need.  I need one of you boys to be LaMont Jones for Halloween and I need you to send them a picture of you wearing these.

Bonus points if you’re bald.

Extra bonus points if you’re Ken Rice.

KTHXBAI.