Hey baby, hey baby, hey baby, hey!

Last week as I waited on the sunny sidewalks of the Burgh while keeping a close eye on the pigeons that were standing in front of me having a discussion about my juicy eyeballs (Carl, you are out of your mind.  PittGirl does NOT speak pigeon.  She has no idea we’re talking about eating her eyeballs.), a car pulled to a stop at the stop light in front of me.

It was a very yellow two-door Chevy Cobalt with a rear spoiler, pimped out rims, and loud bass thumps making my heart rhythm change its beat.

The driver, who was visible because he had both of his windows down, was basically a fat Eminem.   You know, skewed ball cap, oversize Steelers Jersey, chains, late twenties, early thirties.  And he was doing that really annoying thing that guys do sometimes where they recline their seat all the way back and then lean so far to the right that it looks like they are sitting on top of their emergency brake handle?  Yeah, THAT drives me batty.  Sit the hell up straight and pay attention to the road, loser.

Anyway, since the pigeons had moved down the street to terrorize a passing gaggle of daycare children, I studied some of the decals this guy had on his car, and Burghers, I am NOT MAKING THIS WINDOW DECAL UP:

Imports are like tampons,

every pussy has one.

[blink]

[blink]

[BLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL.]

Yes, because when the hot business-suited dude in the Audi pulled up behind him, sitting up straight in his seat, his music down low, a smile on his face, tapping his strong fingers on his steering wheel with the music, I was all, “Pssh.  PUSSY!”

Also, ladies, this guy was cruising. I’m almost positive because as my bus meandered through town, I must have seen the car four times.  My question?  What kind of woman looks at that man, sees that he has both the word tampon and the word pussy on his car and says to herself, “Mmmm.  I gotta get me some of THAT!”

I’m sorry that Saucy didn’t get a picture.  But she was sleeping and I couldn’t wake her up no matter how many times I smacked her.  She mumbled something about “Bitch, you forgot to charge me up last night!” before she feel asleep.





44 Comments

  1. lostinpgh
    September 3, 2008 10:57 am

    It’s amazing as I see that same car evey frick’in day while walking around at at lunch going up and down Smithfield. And the only women that approach that car look like a female (at least I believe it was a female) version of that guy.



  2. Lyon Advocate
    September 3, 2008 11:05 am

    I don’t judge anyone based on the car that they drive – probably comes from the fact that my first two cars left a lot to be desired in terms of style and performance – but how can anyone driving a Cobalt call out another car owner? Don’t people in Le Car’s chuckle at Cobalts?



  3. Pinto Alegre
    September 3, 2008 11:12 am

    I guess I’m a pussy for buying a Japanese truck that has never, ever had a problem. I wonder how many times that douche bag has had his Cobalt at the dealership.



  4. Summer
    September 3, 2008 11:30 am

    Oh, I would totally date a guy driving a Cobalt over, say, one driving a Lamborghini. Totes.



  5. Heather
    September 3, 2008 11:34 am

    Wow… I drive a cobalt and I get teased by the guys I know for having such a girly car. Fat Eminem’s car is a bitch! I bet he doesn’t have a job and the yellow car is his mom’s, with whom of course, he still lives!



  6. C.S. Keys
    September 3, 2008 11:44 am

    lol @ “Fat Eminem”



  7. Jess
    September 3, 2008 11:46 am

    How about a bumper sticker saying “No fat chicks” ??? But seriously.. I’ve known my fair share of Lord and Lady Douchebags driving Audi’s as well.. typically they’re the one cutting you off in highway traffic because their running late for their manicure. Or something.

    /grumbles
    //wants an R8 dammit



  8. Joe
    September 3, 2008 11:49 am

    While this guy is obviously a douche, what he is doing must have worked at least once. If not, he is looking like a douche for no reason.

    Why did it work? He is different (demented and sad, but different). Not the norm. Some girls go for this. Go figure.



  9. BIGGEORGE
    September 3, 2008 12:06 pm

    he does this for the same reason women go
    after the bad boy instead of a nice guy.



  10. PghGirlNextDoor
    September 3, 2008 12:31 pm

    I’m still blinking.



  11. Blueline1925
    September 3, 2008 12:35 pm

    Although I can interpret the tone, I’m guessing that PittGirl’s NOT interested in being courted by Sir F***tard of Cobalt?



  12. bucdaddy
    September 3, 2008 12:39 pm

    There’s bad boys, and then there’s slobs. Cobalt boy is just a slob. Me and my three Hondas all say so.

    Although if his sticker had said “Import beers are like tampons …” I might be forced to agree with him.

    Can I get a witness, spoon?



  13. vince
    September 3, 2008 12:39 pm

    This guy fits the description of close to 75% of men and women in this city. What’s the big shock ? I see at least one pair of truck nutz or one of those retarded calvin decals daily.



  14. dwight
    September 3, 2008 12:47 pm

    I’ll stay quiet … my ONLY car is a Port Authority bus. :)



  15. pittgirl
    September 3, 2008 12:54 pm

    The point is, you can be an awesome guy in a yellow Cobalt or you can be a massive douche in a yellow Cobalt.

    He chose wrong.



  16. unsatisfied
    September 3, 2008 12:55 pm

    that’s it — I’m selling the lexus and buying a cobalt.

    I just hope that the ms. fat enimem that I will surely meet while tooling around in my tool of a car lets me snap her fanny pack.

    and, I’ll do my part for the environment and make sure that she uses only homemade crocheted tampons.



  17. bucdaddy
    September 3, 2008 12:59 pm

    And “Opinions are like assholes …”

    Asshole.



  18. Goob
    September 3, 2008 1:24 pm

    I know this guy with a Modena. Which is, truth be told, an import.

    He uses it to convince guys who drive Mustangs to throw rods.



  19. Monty
    September 3, 2008 1:25 pm

    It’s not even true.



  20. Brian
    September 3, 2008 1:39 pm

    There are so many douchebags driving around this town who look like that (probably dressed by Mr. Lamont, but I digress…). Seriously, fire a coin out your car window, hit a dumb white guy with tilted cap, stupid bass speaker, chains, easily. I bet he thinks, with that car, sticker, look, that he’s making women pant everywhere. Well, they’re probably panting because they can’t stop laughing at your outdated clothes and demeanor. But hey, Pittsburgh has a hard time breaking out of fashion curses, so that’s why we have so many of these assholes. I’d fight every single one of them.



  21. Bram R
    September 3, 2008 1:46 pm

    Some women under the influence of the bass will interact with him. He will flash some cash. One will join him, and he’ll roll off in his tricked out Cobalt with the bumper sticker he thinks is hillarious with the girl of his dreams.

    Who hopefully has cab fare.



  22. Ravishing Rick
    September 3, 2008 1:47 pm

    WOW !!!!!!!!



  23. vince
    September 3, 2008 1:55 pm

    Hateration.



  24. John
    September 3, 2008 2:23 pm

    At least he wasn’t driving a yellow Monte Carlo Super Sport. :)



  25. A Model Citizen
    September 3, 2008 2:34 pm

    Best part about this is the Chevy Cobalt is not made by Chevy. It’s a Daewoo (and a KOREAN IMPORT).



  26. Brian
    September 3, 2008 2:43 pm

    So that technically makes the car better since it’s not a Chevy-borne piece of malfunctioning shit? :-)



  27. Andy
    September 3, 2008 3:03 pm

    From Wikipedia:

    The Cobalt is available as both a coupe and sedan and is based upon the GM Delta platform also shared with the Chevrolet HHR, Pontiac G5, Astra. All Cobalts are currently manufactured at GM’s Lordstown Assembly plant in Lordstown, Ohio.

    So unless they are shipping them from Ohio to Korea and then back again doesn’t sound like a Korean import to me.



  28. Jagoff
    September 3, 2008 3:07 pm

    I was thinking about getting a Cobalt, but my mom made fun of me because “it’s a chick car”



  29. spoon
    September 3, 2008 3:08 pm

    Lushie would say “he’s driving a vagina”



  30. unsatisfied
    September 3, 2008 3:16 pm

    I wouldn’t mind driving a vagina.

    HEY-ohhhhhhhhhhh!!!!



  31. A Model Citizen
    September 3, 2008 3:17 pm

    @ Andy

    I work as an appraiser/adjuster for an auto insurance company and looked at one a couple of weeks back, only reason I mentioned it. It is possible all new cobalts are us made (as the one I looked at was a model year or two older).

    also from Wiki:
    Daewoo was forced to sell off its automotive arm, Daewoo Motors, to General Motors ….. Since then, GM has been moving to rebadge Daewoo cars as the low-end models for many brands, including Chevrolet…..
    GM Daewoo-built vehicles returned to the US market in 2004 and continue to be marketed to this day.



  32. Joe
    September 3, 2008 3:21 pm

    PG, to you he chose wrong. Maybe to 99.9 percent of women, he chose wrong. But he wouldn’t do it if it has not worked at least once before.



  33. Ed Heath
    September 3, 2008 3:44 pm

    The Aveo is the Daewoo.

    I drive an Accent, but I am already married. My Accent has no air conditioning, the ventilation system is in fact messed up, but the last time I filled up I got 38 miles per gallon. I’m still competitive, in my nerd like way. My bumper sticker says “Support the Troops” and it has a 55 with a circle around it (for a return to a national 55 MPH speed limit).



  34. spoon
    September 3, 2008 3:59 pm

    So basically it was this guy driving the car?
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4JMOh-cul6M



  35. retiredguy
    September 3, 2008 4:02 pm

    All the gagsta rappas iz drivin’ dem cobaltz yeah.

    Right after Christmas 2 years ago the older daughter “St. Joan of Bethel Park”, left her brand new cell phone at the mall. we looked all over but couldn’t find it. I told her we would probably get a call about it, and 2 days later we did. I answered the phone and “vanilla ice” is all “yeah man I found dis phone at like the mall. I said yep, that is my daughter’s phone and he says OK, tell me where you live and I said, noooo, I’ll meet you at South Hills village, outside the food court entrance. I’ll be wearing a black leather jacket. And he says, OK I’ll be wearing a mink coat. Swear to God. This white kid about 20 comes pulling up to the curb in a brand new, black Chrysler 300, got the gangsta rap banging loud, and gets out of the car in a knee length, white mink coat. Turned out St. joan had some pictures of herself on the phone (no not those kind) and “vanilla icicle” was trying to get a date. Like he had a shot.



  36. Pierogie Kid
    September 3, 2008 4:08 pm

    sounds like a nice guy returning the phone. If I found somebody’s phone and they gave me conditions on how I was supposed to return it, I would of told them to go to pound salt.



  37. sherry
    September 3, 2008 4:36 pm

    what kind of a woman?
    a low self esteem, horny

    one that can’t read.



  38. Ex-Pat Pittsburgh Girl
    September 3, 2008 4:38 pm

    I would have had the person meet me at a public place as well and it has nothing to do with how he sounds or what he’s wearing. It’s just good common sense not to give your home address out to complete strangers, regardless of whether they are doing a good deed or not. But maybe I’m over-cautious about these types of things. It might have to do with being held up at gun point ten years ago or maybe it’s just common sense.



  39. retiredguy
    September 3, 2008 5:04 pm

    No, actually he was a low level drug dealer who was trying to “git wit” a pretty 16 year old girl. If he was a nice guy, he would have called two days before, when he found it 1 mile from where I live. What he did do was take it home to another county and use it until we called the phone company and had the phone killed. He called to return it when it was of no use to him.



  40. Brian of Brooklyn
    September 3, 2008 5:43 pm

    Jess,

    I tip my hat to your ’80s era SNL reference. Refresh my memory, was it Bill Murry playing the role of Lord Douchebag?



  41. Still A. Fan
    September 3, 2008 11:04 pm

    there is a fine line anyway between what’s an american car and what’s a foreign car. parts, labor…..etc. in the end, the company might be japanese, but how many families would be out of work if honda, toyota and nissan stopped making cars in the US with US parts? and dont tell me that would force more people to buy american. force is the operative word. if we cad continued to make kick ass cars throughout the 70’s, the american buyer would have stayed with the big 3. they did not, so we did not. dont make excuses or want them out of our market, challenge US automakers to simply give me a better car for the same price that wont have as many issues and will hold it’s value and i’ll clearly buy it. until then…..



  42. Matt H
    September 3, 2008 11:29 pm

    I see those types of drivers mentioned in the original post all of the time. I love pulling up next to them or getting behind them. I always get a good chuckle out of those situations.



  43. Jess
    September 4, 2008 7:46 am

    Brian: yeah old school SNL! Garrett Morris introducing them is what I hear when aforementioned Audi driver cuts me off… for more details:

    http://snltranscripts.jt.org/79/79tdouchebag.phtml

    Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow!