Yesterday was Steelers Football Kickoff Day for the PittGirl Family and that meant gathering at Pens Fan’s house to witness Willie Parker be who Willie Parker was supposed to be all along, to drink fruity beers (pomegranate beer? Blech. Give me my Zima, please.), to grill manly steaks, to boil impossible to eat artichokes (Srsly. How the hell are you supposed to eat those?), and to instruct all of the kiddies in the proper technique for twirling a Terrible Towel.
Okay, kids, pay attention to Aunt PittGirl. It’s not a softball pitch wind-up twirl. It’s an Arsenio Hall woo-woo-woo kind of twirl. Do not ask me who Arsenio Hall is or I will take your bubblegum.
You give a kid a Terrible Toddler Towel and suddenly they’re whipping it in your face hard enough to cut skin. Chillax, kiddies.
What a perfect day. Beautiful weather. Crisp air. Kicked asses. Tom Brady out for the season (lots of suicidal fantasy football coaches out there today. I’m looking at you and you who drafted the Devil in the Sportsocracy.org Yinz Team Fantasy Football Challenge. You can play with the Devil, but Good always wins in the end.)
A preface: one of me and my sisters’ favorite things to do is to be in the room when Father of PittGirl reads a funny email. We like this because when he is amused, he is funny to watch. He gets red in the head a bit, holds his waist, and does that screechy silent laugh until you’re sure he’s going to have a heart attack, so who’s got 911 duty?
Pens Fan sat him at her computer and asked him to read an email she received that was full of motivational posters, the first of which was this one:
And swear to God, Father of PittGirl said, “What is bling?”
But it gave me an idea and Burghers, here is the first ever motivational poster edition of What They’re Really Thinking.
1. Before the game even started, there was electricity in the air. Steeler Nation was ready and partying on the river.
The Steelers were ready. Game on.
2. Benny. Benny Benny Benny. You incredible beast. You ruler of all that is gross and fug.
Watching you run is like watching a train leave the station. Chugga ………….. chugga …………………. chugga ……………….. chugga ………….chugga ………. chugga ……. chugga ….. chugga .. chugga . chugga chugga chuggachuggachugga CHOO CHOOOO!
You’re so big it takes you a while to get going, but once you do … BAM!
And I’m not imagining it, am I, that Benny got rid of the ball a lot faster yesterday than he normally did last season?
Sure, he had a few moments of weakness. He is a human being after all, despite what Steeler Nation expects from our quarterbacks.
3. Troysus. Good sweet Troysus. Never gave up. Never stopped praying. His lips always moving in silent prayer. Showed us all that he has indeed returned.
It made my heart feel good to see it. I am a believer and that is church.
4. The defense did a great job of shutting down the Texans in an aggressive, take-no-prisoners manner.
5. Also helping out on the defense was that fatty Cabbage Patch Baby Cici Donna, who had something to prove. Being fat is okay.
Great start to what I hope will be a fantastic season. A+ to everyone, ESPECIALLY Jeremy Bloom. What? Shut up.
I hope you feel motivated now, this fine Monday morning. Join me next Monday for What They’re Really Thinking: The Princess Bride Edition.
It is going to be INCONCEIVABLE!
(If you’ve never seen that movie, I suggest you watch it before next Monday or you are going to feel VERY left out.)