What They’re Really Thinking: Motivational Poster Edition

Yesterday was Steelers Football Kickoff Day for the PittGirl Family and that meant gathering at Pens Fan’s house to witness Willie Parker be who Willie Parker was supposed to be all along, to drink fruity beers (pomegranate beer?  Blech.  Give me my Zima, please.), to grill manly steaks, to boil impossible to eat artichokes (Srsly.  How the hell are you supposed to eat those?), and to instruct all of the kiddies in the proper technique for twirling a Terrible Towel.

Okay, kids, pay attention to Aunt PittGirl.  It’s not a softball pitch wind-up twirl.  It’s an Arsenio Hall woo-woo-woo kind of twirl.  Do not ask me who Arsenio Hall is or I will take your bubblegum.

You give a kid a Terrible Toddler Towel and suddenly they’re whipping it in your face hard enough to cut skin.  Chillax, kiddies.

What a perfect day. Beautiful weather.  Crisp air.  Kicked asses.  Tom Brady out for the season (lots of suicidal fantasy football coaches out there today.  I’m looking at you and you who drafted the Devil in the Sportsocracy.org Yinz Team Fantasy Football Challenge.  You can play with the Devil, but Good always wins in the end.)

A preface:  one of me and my sisters’ favorite things to do is to be in the room when Father of PittGirl reads a funny email.  We like this because when he is amused, he is funny to watch.  He gets red in the head a bit, holds his waist, and does that screechy silent laugh until you’re sure he’s going to have a heart attack, so who’s got 911 duty?

Pens Fan sat him at her computer and asked him to read an email she received that was full of motivational posters, the first of which was this one:

And swear to God, Father of PittGirl said, “What is bling?”

Awesome.

But it gave me an idea and Burghers, here is the first ever motivational poster edition of What They’re Really Thinking.

1. Before the game even started, there was electricity in the air.  Steeler Nation was ready and partying on the river.

The Steelers were ready.  Game on.

2.  Benny.  Benny Benny Benny.  You incredible beast.  You ruler of all that is gross and fug.

Watching you run is like watching a train leave the station.  Chugga ………….. chugga …………………. chugga ……………….. chugga ………….chugga ………. chugga ……. chugga ….. chugga .. chugga . chugga chugga chuggachuggachugga CHOO CHOOOO!

You’re so big it takes you a while to get going, but once you do … BAM!

And I’m not imagining it, am I, that Benny got rid of the ball a lot faster yesterday than he normally did last season?

Sure, he had a few moments of weakness.  He is a human being after all, despite what Steeler Nation expects from our quarterbacks.

3.  Troysus.  Good sweet Troysus.  Never gave up.  Never stopped praying.  His lips always moving in silent prayer.  Showed us all that he has indeed returned.

It made my heart feel good to see it.  I am a believer and that is church.

4.  The defense did a great job of shutting down the Texans in an aggressive, take-no-prisoners manner.

5.  Also helping out on the defense was that fatty Cabbage Patch Baby Cici Donna, who had something to prove.  Being fat is okay.

….

Great start to what I hope will be a fantastic season. A+ to everyone, ESPECIALLY Jeremy Bloom.  What?  Shut up.

I hope you feel motivated now, this fine Monday morning.  Join me next Monday for What They’re Really Thinking:  The Princess Bride Edition.

It is going to be INCONCEIVABLE!

(If you’ve never seen that movie, I suggest you watch it before next Monday or you are going to feel VERY left out.)





37 Comments

  1. Woy
    September 8, 2008 10:06 am

    I think you have really outdone yourself with these… gotta love the Jorts and Prayer one.

    Any tailgate has a medley of comedic possibilities.



  2. LMAO
    September 8, 2008 10:08 am

    The Steelers Suck! They are the only thing I hate about being from Pittsburgh.



  3. PittinDC
    September 8, 2008 10:11 am

    That totally made my morning PittGirl.. oh how I’ve missed “What They’re Really Thinking”!! Also, I may just have to steal that Steeler Nation poster for my facebook picture.. its just too true!



  4. Goob
    September 8, 2008 10:13 am

    You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

    Anyway: after steaming or boiling (or grilling!) if the artichoke leaves are tender, you can snap ’em off the stem and eat them. Although the outer layer will likely be too tough to enjoy in anything other then a “hey, check out my Roman Macho Groove” sort of a way. You can dip the leaves in butter or herbed mayonnaise. Peel the tough bits off the stem and the heart, and they are both quite nice. Those can be fried in butter, or dipped in butter, or just eaten in the same room as some butter.

    The choke is the purple fuzzy nonsense. No amount of butter helps, there. Don’t eat that.



  5. unsatisfied
    September 8, 2008 10:46 am

    jorts.

    I think I accidently shot a little bit of snot out of my nose snickering over that one.

    I was at the game yesterday. as I was in the little boy’s room after the game, the yinzer next to be exhorted:

    “what could be better than watching the steelers kick some ass and find out that candy-ass brady is out for season?”

    I thought about it and decided the answer is: “nothing.”



  6. Mitch Cumstein
    September 8, 2008 11:37 am

    Ironically, the only thing I hate about being from Pgh is that LMAO lives here. What a twitwit.



  7. Jim
    September 8, 2008 11:38 am

    Wrap the asparagus in foil, salt and pepper to taste, maybe a little of butter, and grill. You’ll love it.



  8. Sarah
    September 8, 2008 11:49 am

    This made my whole day better.

    And Princess Bride next week? Awesome.



  9. John
    September 8, 2008 11:56 am

    Hey PG… how’d your fantasy team do this week?



  10. PittGirl
    September 8, 2008 11:58 am

    We are not discussing those miserable loser bastards.



  11. Brother Anthony
    September 8, 2008 12:14 pm

    I don’t know who the color analyst was for this game, but I know he was completely nonsensical at times. Between the broadcasters and the commercials I can barely bring myself to watch even the Steelers some weeks. Then I think about What They Were Really Thinking and I dutifully park myself in my parents’ living room. Best part of pro football right here. Yessur.

    “Are there rocks ahead?”
    “If there are, we’ll all be dead”

    “No more rhymes. I mean it!”
    “Anybody want a peanut?”



  12. MiamiShyner
    September 8, 2008 12:16 pm

    Thank you for the brilliance that is the motivational posters. With your permission I will print them and hang them all over my cubicle to piss off co-workers.

    Cannot wait for next week’s Princess Bride edition. I thought I heard your man Baby Cici saying “It’s not my fault being the biggest and the strongest. I don’t even exercise.”



  13. Brother Anthony
    September 8, 2008 12:24 pm

    He also said, “Never go in against a Cici Donna when fluff is on the line!”

    I like that movie a little too much.



  14. Bram R
    September 8, 2008 12:29 pm

    In re Ben releasing the ball quicker — was listening to DUQ, they had a really remarkable interview with Willie Parker. He said his defensive teammates had told him he didn’t have any “moves”, so on the last few weeks he’s been working on his “moves”, because you know, you get pitched that ball and there’s a linebacker coming at you … moves help. So there seems to be some fundamental, focused learnin’ goin on. I wouldn’t count them out of anything in particular with that knowledge.



  15. Ex-Pat Pittsburgh Girl
    September 8, 2008 12:45 pm

    I was trying to figure out what was missing from my life the other day and today, I remembered — What Where They Really Thinking! Excellent start to the week!

    Good luck storming the castle!



  16. Beatrice
    September 8, 2008 12:45 pm

    Oh the FLUFFERNUTTERS poster…too funny!



  17. lostinpgh
    September 8, 2008 1:32 pm

    This totally made my morning, when I saw them! Thanks PG!



  18. Sue
    September 8, 2008 1:32 pm

    Did Ben give your dog life saving CPR or something?

    Always a really fun read.
    Thanks P.G.!



  19. Steel Boy
    September 8, 2008 2:07 pm

    Love the gay poster. And yes, football is uber-gay! What with the “tight end,” tight pants, exagerrated shoulder pads, and all the touchie-feelie going on on the field. And they do seem to linger a long time in the huddle and when they’re all stacked up on each other on the field.



  20. Maria
    September 8, 2008 2:09 pm

    These made me laugh. And I am STILL celebrating that Tom Brady is out for the season. Karma is still catching up with the Patriots and it is sweet.



  21. Mrs Pitsberger
    September 8, 2008 2:19 pm

    Before I even knew about the Princess Bride edition, I was thinking of calling my boss a “miserable vomitous mass.” But not to his face.



  22. John
    September 8, 2008 2:21 pm

    Brother A – the color analyst for the game was ex-NFLer Randy “Pathological Hatred of the Steelers” Cross. You put him and Gus “I’ve Mastered the Art of Scream Announcing” Johnson together, and you have a broadcast that’s unlistenable.



  23. Erin
    September 8, 2008 2:23 pm

    Thanks for making my afternoon Coca Cola Classic come rushing out of my nose. What a way to start off the week right!



  24. Mitch Cumstein
    September 8, 2008 2:50 pm

    John…couldn’t agree with you more. These are the worst two we could have gotten. You could feel Cross straining aginst ever fiber of his being to give the Steelers kudos yesterday for their total decimation. Granted, things don’t get much better with I-on Eagle.



  25. The Bell Girl
    September 8, 2008 2:55 pm

    Thank you for making me even more proud to wear my Cici Donna jersey in a sea of Duke-Fugs out here on the West Coast.

    -E



  26. bucdaddy
    September 8, 2008 3:50 pm

    Pomegranate beer? No no no no no. A thousand times no. Haven’t spoon and I taught you better than that?

    And Zima? ZIMA?

    OK, that does it. Ima come up your house and drag you out and show you what GOOD beer is all about.

    Pomegranate beer. Zima.

    Jeebus.



  27. Mel
    September 8, 2008 3:55 pm

    That was amazing. I think the Steeler Nation one was my favorite, although they were all great. Can’t wait for the Princess Bride edition!



  28. Pittsburgh Tom (in NJ)
    September 8, 2008 4:28 pm

    I think “those miserable loser bastards” will be the name of one of my fantasy football teams next year.



  29. J
    September 8, 2008 4:28 pm

    Damn. I belted out a HA so loud my kids suddenly realized I wasn’t actually working at my desk anymore.

    Ok, I know fruity beer seems, well, FRUITY, but you have to try Sea Dog Blueberry Wheat. Its not exactly a beer you would drink all night (though believe me I have) but it is so, so, so, very tasty. The wheat beers compliment the fruit flavors perfectly. And the Sea Dog blueberry is absolutely sublime. Mmmmmmmmmmmm, I suppose if I go get one out of the fridge the kids will NEVER believe I’ve gone back to work.



  30. Still A Fan
    September 8, 2008 6:52 pm

    would anybody like a peanut?



  31. deebee
    September 8, 2008 7:14 pm

    You rush a miracle man you get rotten miracles.



  32. TheJim
    September 8, 2008 11:24 pm

    Two things:

    1.) Fluffernutters is fun to say.

    2.) Norm is now claiming that he didn’t realize he had the first overall pick in the draft and never would have taken Brady in that position. A courageous admission of accountability on his part.



  33. red pen mama
    September 9, 2008 8:36 am

    Thank you, thank you, thank you. Too funny for work, as I had to suppress my guffaws.

    Goob stole my line.

    ciao,
    rpm



  34. bucdaddy
    September 9, 2008 9:14 am

    The girl in the jorts?

    Yes.



  35. Mitch Cumstein
    September 9, 2008 12:34 pm

    bucdaddy said …

    The Buttaface in the jorts?

    Yes.

    CORRECTED



  36. bob from Virginia
    September 10, 2008 1:20 pm

    I think you have an income possibility there. I would buy the Steeler Nation one in a heartbeat. Seriously.



  37. Chris
    September 11, 2008 8:09 am

    Troysus can track an Atlanta Falcon on a cloudy day. He will find you.

    My gift to you for the Princess Bride edition :-)