What They’re Really Thinking: The Princess Bride Edition

Once upon a time, in the land of Fug and Gross, there lived a Duke named Benjamin.  Now Benjamin had greatly displeased the king with his lecherous ways.

The King had grown tired of hearing the rumors from the lips of his people.  That Benjamin, the next in line to the throne, was caught cavorting with lesbians in the village of Vegas.  That he had broken many a heart of the local peasant girls by bedding them and then not sending a footman with a message the next day.  And of particular worry to the King was that Duke Benjamin had been jousting without a helmet, greatly putting the succession of the throne in jeopardy.

Therefore, The King informed the Duke that the Earl of Gross had been declared the rightful successor to the throne and banished Benjamin to spend his days biding his time in the poor land of Fug.

It came to pass that the Duke fell in love with a beautiful village girl who was not a lesbian, who refused his amorous advances and who insisted he wear a jousting helmet.  The Duke was in immediate love and went to the King to inform him of his intentions to settle down and marry the villager and to ask that his place as heir to the throne be restored.

This greatly angered the Earl of Gross, who had been prepared heavily to rule the kingdom of the Fug and Gross peoples.

The King went to his trusted Lady of Bitch-Choking, PittGirl, for advice.  He visited her at her harem where her husbands were busy taking turns reading to her from books of poetry and fetching her pumpkin spice lattes.  Waving away her doting men, she advised the king that a battle of wills was needed and instructed the King that sport should decide who will be ruler of the Lands of Fug and Gross.

The King agreed with Lady PittGirl and called the villagers to witness a battle of ball.

On the day of the battle, it was a rainy and windy day.  So windy was the day that the face-coverings of the people of Gross and Fug were flying away, revealing their hideousness.  This angered the King.

Despite the less than desirable conditions, the teams of Fug and Gross were quite determined to win their lieges the title.

Of particular passion was Lord Troysus of Burgh who had been under a terrible spell since the year 2007, a spell that left him lifeless for a considerable time until the kiss of wind and rain woke him with a start.

His incredible performance upon awakening ensured Lord Troysus that the King would not soon demand he repay the money he was generously given not two seasons ago.

Points were hard to come by, but thanks to The Skeeve of Fug, Sir Skippy who had been promised a grand gift by the Duke if he was able to kick true in the driving wind, the Duke managed to keep his team on top.

As the game wore on, there were tense moments as it seemed the Gross Team might find a way to come from behind.  There was some confusion as to the best way to reign victorious as the village giant was sure he had a grand plan.

The Rodent of Unusual Size’s belief that raining down fluffernutters would serve as a good distraction to the Gross Team did not sit well with the Duke or his men.

It was determined instead that Sir William the Fast would serve the team well if given the chance.  As would Sir Hines the Smiley whose face was frozen by the evil Dread Lord Zober in an ill-placed fit of rage over his inability to win the Lady PittGirl’s affections, as joining her harem had long been his wish.

The Duke managed to keep victory within sight for his team, even when the village idiot Tonio of Asshat unsheathed his terrible sword for all the world to see, much to William the Fast’s chagrin.  For Sir Willie had previously laid eyes on Tonio’s sword and wished never to see it again.

Sir Willie the Fast then got revenge by tearing away his very own breeches baring for all the incredible Fugness of his bare upper leg, thus blinding the entire team of Gross for the remainder of the game.

The Duke handily won the battle by 10 points to six, returning to him his birthright, the title of The Duke of Fug and the Earl of Gross.

He married his village girl and they did not not live happily ever after because the Duke turned out to be a royal schmuck.

The end.





29 Comments

  1. CL
    September 15, 2008 3:38 pm

    my god. that was epic.

    were there mutton, lettuce and tomato sandwiches in the locker room as the postgame meal?



  2. rachel
    September 15, 2008 3:55 pm

    That was indeed epic. I had been awaiting this post since you announced it, and you definitely delivered. Awesome.



  3. Charlie
    September 15, 2008 3:56 pm

    well worth the wait…I gotta go watch this movie again. That being said…where were the INCONCEIVABLES!



  4. pittchick
    September 15, 2008 4:06 pm

    HAHA, that was pretty funny.



  5. Jim
    September 15, 2008 4:08 pm

    Don’t look now, but this blog is dangerously close to Jumping the Shark…



  6. unsatisfied
    September 15, 2008 4:27 pm

    for-SOOOOOTH!

    (lord unsatisfied then ye-olde-bitchslaps Jim for-eth liking lady pittgirl to sir arthur fonzerelli of milwaukee….)



  7. Julie
    September 15, 2008 4:31 pm

    Too funny! That just made my day.



  8. Sue
    September 15, 2008 4:34 pm

    Appreciate the effort but…
    You could of saved yourself loads of time by staying true to form.
    Pics and comments. Keep it simple.
    I am so unfulfilled. sigh



  9. Kate
    September 15, 2008 4:40 pm

    Totally awesome for sure :-) Great job PittGirl



  10. chrys
    September 15, 2008 4:45 pm

    truly inspiring!!! :) {golf clap}



  11. Brother Anthony
    September 15, 2008 4:49 pm

    I love the ending.



  12. lostinpgh
    September 15, 2008 5:01 pm

    This was awesome. Too bad I couldn’t read this earlier as when I went to read at work…DENIED The Burgh Blog as been put on the banned list at work. Sadness.



  13. pittgirl
    September 15, 2008 5:04 pm

    So you either love it or it makes you want me to rent a waverunner and jump over Jaws. I can live with that.



  14. Pittsburgh Tom (in NJ)
    September 15, 2008 5:18 pm

    the “hippopotomic land mass” line made the story. It made me laugh out loud.



  15. Jim
    September 15, 2008 5:35 pm

    Anyone can jump Jaws with a Waverunner. Go on one of those dahntahn Segway tours and use THAT! :)

    And don’t get me wrong PG…I love your blog…but this one seemed a bit…forced. I like the posts when you just throw it out there before you know you did it. Thta’s when you really are being yourself. Just my opinion…



  16. KGC
    September 15, 2008 5:45 pm

    Mocking one of the neatest movies ever. Not cool. Not funny. From a 50+yo male who loves The Princess Bride ever since I watched it with my own young Princess, my only child.



  17. pittgirl
    September 15, 2008 5:58 pm

    KGC, not mocking. Paying homage to.



  18. hello haha narf
    September 15, 2008 6:04 pm

    twoo wuv!

    (i cracked up at this. well done!!)



  19. Allison
    September 15, 2008 6:12 pm

    BEST. POST. EVER.



  20. Ex-Pat Pittsburgh Girl
    September 15, 2008 7:54 pm

    I like it. But then again, I like things that take some creativity. Whether it is this or the regular schtick, it’s all good in my book.



  21. Mik972
    September 15, 2008 8:01 pm

    Pittgirl, Thanks for solving the mystery of Willie’s pants. I saw that near the end of the game and I thought that he just didn’t make it to the bathroom. Eewwww!



  22. Summer
    September 16, 2008 5:48 am

    Never go in against a skeeve when sluts are on the line!

    You almost made me do a spit-take. Wonderful.



  23. NY Luvs Pitts
    September 16, 2008 7:23 am

    I luv it. Great post.



  24. Tony N
    September 16, 2008 7:55 am

    I thought that was inspired. It’s good to shake things up once in a while.



  25. Sarah
    September 16, 2008 8:12 am

    Love. Especially when sluts are on the line.



  26. PittinDC
    September 16, 2008 8:55 am

    Hahaha that was awesome! Well done!



  27. missedgehead
    September 18, 2008 10:14 pm

    Nice post, but nothing about the drama over Ben’s shoulder? LOL