Before we get into a recap of The Pennsylvania State Massacre, we must first discuss the fact that the readers of Sports Illustrated have named Ben Roethlisberger as one of the “Best Looking Male Athletes.” (h/t Traci)
I am as stunned as you are.
The Duke of Fug and the Earl of Gross is the ruler of Fug and Gross and therefore should never appear on any “best looking” list unless it is the “Best Looking Man Named Ben Roethlisberger that is the Quarterback for the Pittsburgh Steelers” list. That list? He should totally take top spot.
We can only assume that this is the work of Benny’s minions. And minions, I ask you honestly … HONESTLY … if Benny was not an NFL player, but just a regular old steel worker, and you were taking a tour of the mill and happened to walk past Benny as he was welding some steel or whatever the heck it is they do in the mills, would you give him a second look?
Be honest now. Would you really?
You would not. You would keep on moving until you saw Troy Polamalu or Jeremy Bloom with sweat dripping down their faces, and you would rip their shirts off and make out with them on the spot. And you know it.
Benny. Good looking. Pigs flying. Hell freezing. PittGirl having a pet pigeon. Never.
Now that said, this gorgeous hunk of man named Benny has a fungus.
I myself did not discover the fungus; it was from a text from Pens Fan:
Is that a case of ringworm on Benny’s neck? Gross.
It is ringworm, Dr. PittGirl diagnosed.
So for yesterday, Benny was temporarily dubbed The Duke of Fug, the Earl of Gross, and the Lord of Fungus.
Let’s talk shitty football:
1. I wonder, which O-line player’s mama did Benny insult with one too many Yo Mama jokes? Which wife of which O-line player did Benny drunkenly hit on? Which O-line player did Benny drunkenly hit on? Because there must be a tangible reason for the cataclysmic collapse of the entire offensive line and the fact that Benny will likely spend the remainder of today blowing turf bits out of his nasal cavities.
2. I kind of felt bad for Benny. Sacked eight times and on top of that, FUNGUS!
3. The game was so slow at first, didn’t you think? Perhaps everyone was so distracted by trying to figure out what was growing out of The Duke’s neck.
4. A bright spot: Jeff Reed kicked a 53-yard field goal. A dark black hole: I benched him in my Fantasy Football Yinz League team. You see, Skippy totally did that on purpose. The Skeeve is messing with me, damn it.
5. Another bright spot, Troysus completed his resurrection trifecta with his third interception in as many games. Realizing that the power of prayer seemed to be working for Troysus, Benny thought he’d give it a try. It couldn’t hurt.
6. All this talk of fug and gross and fungus has really made me miss the antithesis of it all: My self-united husband Daniel Sepulveda. Sigh.
7. And Mike Tomlin. Smokin’ Hot Burgher Mike Tomlin? Where was he? Where were the adjustments? What was he thinking out there? Well, this is What They’re Really Thinking, so I, PittGirl, will tell you what he was really thinking:
Let’s hope next week is a more thought-out, fiery, fungus-free, slut-earning, rush-running, blitz-picking-upping kind of game because The Duke of Fug, the Earl of Gross, and the Lord of Fungus will not survive the season otherwise.