What They’re Really Thinking: The Fungus Edition

Before we get into a recap of The Pennsylvania State Massacre, we must first discuss the fact that the readers of Sports Illustrated have named Ben Roethlisberger as one of the “Best Looking Male Athletes.”  (h/t Traci)

I am as stunned as you are.

The Duke of Fug and the Earl of Gross is the ruler of Fug and Gross and therefore should never appear on any “best looking” list unless it is the “Best Looking Man Named Ben Roethlisberger that is the Quarterback for the Pittsburgh Steelers” list.  That list?  He should totally take top spot.

We can only assume that this is the work of Benny’s minions.  And minions, I ask you honestly … HONESTLY … if Benny was not an NFL player, but just a regular old steel worker, and you were taking a tour of the mill and happened to walk past Benny as he was welding some steel or whatever the heck it is they do in the mills, would you give him a second look?

Be honest now.  Would you really?

You would not.  You would keep on moving until you saw Troy Polamalu or Jeremy Bloom with sweat dripping down their faces, and you would rip their shirts off and make out with them on the spot.  And you know it.

Benny.  Good looking.  Pigs flying.  Hell freezing.  PittGirl having a pet pigeon.  Never.

Now that said, this gorgeous hunk of man named Benny has a fungus.

I myself did not discover the fungus; it was from a text from Pens Fan:

Is that a case of ringworm on Benny’s neck?  Gross.

It is ringworm, Dr. PittGirl diagnosed.

So for yesterday, Benny was temporarily dubbed The Duke of Fug, the Earl of Gross, and the Lord of Fungus.

Let’s talk shitty football:

1.  I wonder, which O-line player’s mama did Benny insult with one too many Yo Mama jokes?  Which wife of which O-line player did Benny drunkenly hit on?  Which O-line player did Benny drunkenly hit on?  Because there must be a tangible reason for the cataclysmic collapse of the entire offensive line and the fact that Benny will likely spend the remainder of today blowing turf bits out of his nasal cavities.

2.  I kind of felt bad for Benny.  Sacked eight times and on top of that, FUNGUS!

3.  The game was so slow at first, didn’t you think?  Perhaps everyone was so distracted by trying to figure out what was growing out of The Duke’s neck.

4.  A bright spot:  Jeff Reed kicked a 53-yard field goal.  A dark black hole:  I benched him in my Fantasy Football Yinz League team.  You see, Skippy totally did that on purpose.  The Skeeve is messing with me, damn it.

5.  Another bright spot, Troysus completed his resurrection trifecta with his third interception in as many games.  Realizing that the power of prayer seemed to be working for Troysus, Benny thought he’d give it a try.  It couldn’t hurt.

6.  All this talk of fug and gross and fungus has really made me miss the antithesis of it all:  My self-united husband Daniel Sepulveda.  Sigh.

7.   And Mike Tomlin.  Smokin’ Hot Burgher Mike Tomlin?  Where was he?  Where were the adjustments?  What was he thinking out there?  Well, this is What They’re Really Thinking, so I, PittGirl, will tell you what he was really thinking:

Let’s hope next week is a more thought-out, fiery, fungus-free, slut-earning, rush-running, blitz-picking-upping kind of game because The Duke of Fug, the Earl of Gross, and the Lord of Fungus will not survive the season otherwise.





36 Comments

  1. chrys
    September 22, 2008 10:15 am

    The only reason Ben made it on the “best looking athlete” list is one word.. MONEY. He has a lot of it! LOL!

    Having a lot of money makes even the homeliest of people attractive. And I’m sorry, but Ben is NOT a good looking guy.



  2. Sooska
    September 22, 2008 10:21 am

    I agree with chrys. for some girls and gay guys (and in Duke’s case, lesbians) green makes a guy drop dead gorgeous.



  3. SK
    September 22, 2008 10:21 am

    “30 yard penalty and get the hell away from me” Laughed really loud on that one. My co-workers already think I’m crazy though so they didn’t think much of it. I didn’t know what to say about that game, you’ve said all that I wasn’t able to…



  4. Other Brian
    September 22, 2008 10:29 am

    Maybe it is the money, but Benny seems to get allot of women. He has parties very frequently with his buddies loaded with topless women walking. That Sex boat in Minnesota is fairly frequent among NFL athletes. I think any young 6’5” QB of a winning team will make allot of best looking list regardless of appearance.



  5. Jess
    September 22, 2008 10:34 am

    The only silver lining to the massive sukkage of the offensive line this Sunday, is that they should be posessed to prove themselves NFL-worthy next week. I also question some of the offensive play-calling. Having BR try to standup in a non-existant pocket was like putting him in front of a firing squad. Better to let him roll out.. option play.

    Also, that ring-thing looks like he was attacked by that Star Trek monster that sucks salt out of its victims (except Doc. McCoy)



  6. Mrs Pitsberger
    September 22, 2008 11:46 am

    Benny’s good looking. Not as cute as he was before he did a face plant on Second Avenue, but still…I’ll probably catch hell for this, but Braylon Edwards is way hotter than Benny.



  7. Barak McCain
    September 22, 2008 11:47 am

    I don’t think it’s ringworm. Maybe a skank hickey.



  8. Thee Dude
    September 22, 2008 11:54 am

    PG, so you are saying, “I am not a doctor, but I play one on the blogosphere?”



  9. Summer
    September 22, 2008 12:00 pm

    It was a bad day to be a Pittsburgh fan Sunday.



  10. Tony N
    September 22, 2008 12:04 pm

    I also thought it might be the fading remains of a post-Browns game hickey, deposited by one of his BLMA voters.



  11. bucdaddy
    September 22, 2008 12:05 pm

    One of your better efforts, PG.

    My stance is the same as it’s always been: Benny looks like he’d be the assistant shingle-carrier on a roofing job, and he’d been taking lots of breaks to smoke some low-grade weed back behind the heat pump.

    You know, one possibility you didn’t mention was that the Eagles’ defensive front is just a lot better than the Steerlers’ offensive line. There are two teams on the field, yo.

    And please, dear God, I’m on my knees here, could Reed’s career-best field goal please please please once and for all bury the myth that those idiotic “freeze the kicker” timeouts ever actually work?

    No? *sigh* OK, could you just slay all football coaches then?



  12. NY Luvs Pitts
    September 22, 2008 12:21 pm

    I think it’s a hickey also. BUT WHO CARES!!! Hicky, fungus, whatever!!! I can’t believe I drove home from church doing 90 on the Belt Parkway to see that crap of a game. The Eagles were all over Ben. Now I’m afraid to take the bus home after work because I argued the bus driver down defending the Steelers on Friday. I was loud too. I’m pretty sure the other passengers heard me boasting. It’s a good thing he didn’t ask for a wager. I’d be broke (or more broke than I already am). Now I have to ride home in the back of the bus with my head hanging down. Embarrassing!!!



  13. Ex-Pat Pittsburgh Girl
    September 22, 2008 12:28 pm

    I guess beauty really is in the eye of the beholder. Benny doesn’t do much of anything for me, but everyone has different tastes. I was frustrated with not only the O-Line and the play calling, but there were also times when Ben just needs to get rid of the ball. By the end of the first half you knew that a run up the middle was going nowhere, so why push that in the second half. Bright spots — Skippy Skeeve continues to come through (and guarantees himself some action from his skeevette minions), Troy and McFadden continue to intercept footballs (though the D seemed to have their traditional third quarter let down in the first half), and it was only game three. Looking forward to Friday night when I catch the red-eye from the Pacific Northwest for Monday’s game against the Ravens. We’ll bounce back!



  14. Thee Dude
    September 22, 2008 12:29 pm

    Calling Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine, Dr. Pittgirl….



  15. Alison
    September 22, 2008 12:36 pm

    benny boy= not so hot.
    however. did anyone see that beautiful shot of troy sitting on the bench with a big beautiful smile? i think it was after his interception.
    basically it made both me and my mother say “AWWWWWWWWWW” at the same time. which made my dad laugh really hard.



  16. UnPittsburgher
    September 22, 2008 12:43 pm

    Sorry,I do think Ben is hot – and I think he is better looking SINCE the cycle accident – all of you who think Troy is hot are crazy – I think he’s the one whose fug – really ugly, honest – glad Pitt Girl at least had the sense to blame the O-Line for yesterday instead of Ben



  17. firefly88
    September 22, 2008 12:47 pm

    Wonderful. Now we have the genesis of a new series, “Ben’s Anatomy,” starring Dr. Pittgirl, the Duke and teammates Dr. McSkeevy, Chief Troysus of the Triage Unit and assorted slutty interns missing the top halves of their scrubs.

    Maybe we should call in Dr. Gregory House for a consult, but I’m pretty sure the Duke has a massive hickey. Meanwhile, maybe House can cure what ails the O-line with some Ringer’s lactate, D5W and a quadruple suckectomy.



  18. moving forward
    September 22, 2008 12:53 pm

    I was all set to be the first to comment, but then I started doing a shot for every reference to Ben’s neck. I’m just now waking up.



  19. Stacey
    September 22, 2008 1:22 pm

    I have to be another to admit I think Ben’s good looking but I do also have to admit there are some pretty nasty photos of him on the net. So it depends on which photo/camera angle I’ve seen…

    I think maybe Ben should just start out each play on his rear end. Seems he’s going to end up there anyway. Ugh, and a Monday night game against the Ravens up next…



  20. Fun Guy
    September 22, 2008 2:32 pm

    While I’d love to believe that Ben has a case of shingles on his neck, I think the fungus among us is actually just a case of “pad rash” or “jersey burn”. It happens when you get yanked to the ground by a 300 pound guy and your shoulder pads or jersey digs into your skin and it leaves a nasty mark similar to a carpet burn.

    All things considered, I’d rather our QB have ringworm than whatever that thing was growing on Kordell Stewart’s neck.



  21. Ex-Pat Pittsburgh Girl
    September 22, 2008 3:10 pm

    Dr. House will probably say it’s lupus.

    Like I indicated before — beauty is in the eye of the beholder. We all have our own preferences.



  22. sunshine
    September 22, 2008 3:13 pm

    I would also say it was a hickey…. we know Ben gets around



  23. unsatisfied
    September 22, 2008 3:20 pm

    glad to see that there are still some women out there who can look beyond a guy’s looks and see them for who they really are.



  24. Sue
    September 22, 2008 3:32 pm

    Ben’s ok, not a fan of the pretty boy.
    The worst thing about that game yesterday was sitting in the stadum with the gross and fug fans of Philly and I mean gross and fug on the inside.
    It was scary bad play..I demand some answers.
    WTF offensive coordinator?



  25. Brother Anthony
    September 22, 2008 3:46 pm

    Did you notice something in the Verizon Wireless commercials where the kid is leaving school and avoids his parents dressed in glam/punk outfits?

    I think the other father, who is told “I was weird at his age, too.”, may be the actor who played the leader of the tough leather-clad biker gang in Some Kind of Wonderful. (also the son of the art gallery security guard)



  26. NY Luvs Pitts
    September 22, 2008 3:51 pm

    I’m about to leave work now and face the bus driver. Pray for me.



  27. Ex-Pat Pittsburgh Girl
    September 22, 2008 3:52 pm

    @ Brother Anthony — the leader of the skinheads was Elias Koteas, and there are some similarities. I was just watching this movie last weekend as part of girls’-night-in-John Hughes movie marathon.



  28. PA Transplant
    September 22, 2008 4:53 pm

    So, although I do think Ben can be kinda hot, that picture that SI picked for their list is pretty fug and gross. Also not helping Ben is the fact that they put him right after David Beckham. Almost any guy is gonna look fug and gross after you stare at Beckham for awhile.



  29. Joe
    September 22, 2008 5:28 pm

    Many sacks yes, but to blame the o-line is just wrong. Why the hell do you guys think that they had their big tight ends in the back field? Well I’ll tell you, it’s because the backs weren’t picking up one damn blitzer. That is why we lost, and that is why I’m angry.



  30. SportyGal85
    September 22, 2008 5:53 pm

    If Benny’s shoulder isn’t really seperated now, it will be after the Ravens next week. Did anyone else see Ray Lewis seperate that dude from Cleveland from the ball with massive, massive force? Poor Benny…

    Oh, yeah, and he’ll never be Brat Pitt or David Beckham, but he can be somewhat attractive if you see the right shot of him.



  31. Kater
    September 22, 2008 6:14 pm

    Not a minion, but I do think Ben is cute (more so before the accident, and when he had longer hair and a beard though). But then I do have a thing for big dopey guys. And no, it’s not the money – I’ve dated other Ben-esque guys who HARDLY brought in NFL dinero. I just like ’em big and..well..if Ben is “fug”, then…”fug”, I guess. I never cared for pretty boys. You can keep Sid Crosby and Danny Sepulveda, I’d take Ben anyday over them. It’s all personal preference. To each their own. Now do I think he’s SI’s Best Looking Athelete-list material? Noooooooo. Nu-uh. There are many, many, other dudes in professional sports MUCH more aesthetically pleasing than our quarterback.



  32. Jenn
    September 22, 2008 6:14 pm

    3. Talk about choke-a-bitch. Ha.



  33. Still A Fan
    September 22, 2008 6:44 pm

    funny, i noticed the spot on his neck right away as well. if it’s a hickey, it will be gone next week. if it’s ringworm, it will still be there. listen, those blitzers were coming from everywhere. if we had help to the left, they came from the right. help from the right, they came from the left. i dont recall a time when we had help on both sides. thier schemes were better than ours and their D line is twice as good as our O line. simple is as simple does.



  34. spoon
    September 22, 2008 7:28 pm

    Is it possible for Hines to give an interview and not look like he’s an emotional wreck and about to cry?

    Watching the WTAE I thought 86 was going to ask everyone to stop being down on him because he’s trying hard



  35. SportyGal85
    September 22, 2008 7:53 pm

    As for the spot on his neck…I just noticed that it was on his neck when he was on PTI last Thursday…does a hickey last that long? PittGirl, you might be onto something with the ringworm, eww…



  36. Blondie
    September 23, 2008 9:02 am

    I am not a fan of Benny, but did you see the pic of Cristiano Ronaldo (whoever he is!)? HE made Ben look like he should be on the “best looking athlete” list!