Spooooooky.

As previously written, there were members of the ScareHouse at the Roller Derby Championship Bout.

I think they will take this as a compliment when I say they were freaks of nature.

The P-G has an article in today’s edition about the ScareHouse and the fact that it is one of the top haunted houses in the country.

People that run are by far my favorite,” said Dejah Harnish, 24, of the North Side. “You scare them and,” she snaps her fingers, “they’re gone. They might run past the next three scares before they finally slow down.”

Sprinters are anticipated, though, and precautions are taken, like putting an actor near a wall “to bounce them in the other direction,” said Harnish.

“We pad our corners for a reason,” said Christopher Gilgour, 28, of Troy Hill.

Oh, hell no.

I will not be going to the ScareHouse even though the freak at the derby handed me a free ticket.  Here’s why: I am a wussy baby scaredy cat when it comes to haunted houses.

I have been to two in my life and both times it took all of my bladder control strength to not pee my pants in fright.

The first I want to say for some reason was on a boat.  Or maybe down at Station Square?  Maybe on the Gateway Clipper?  I don’t know.  I remember a boat.  I remember wanting to cry.  I was like 19-years-old.  I have apparently blocked the trauma out.

The second I remember much more clearly was at college in Texas.  A big group of us decided to go to the local haunted house, which was not a house but a warehouse. I believe Pens Fan and Ohio Sister were both in the group.

I should have known it wasn’t going to be my cup of pumpkin spice when we were waiting in line outside and I felt a presence behind me.  A slight breath on my neck, if you will. I turned slowly to find FACELESS DEATH standing not an inch behind me, breathing heavily on me, moaning a little bit like, “Ooooh.  That girl’s soul would taste soooooo yummy.”

I did that half-laugh you do when you’re freaked out but you don’t want to show it and gave Death a little shove and told him to go breathe on someone else.

Death obliged.

Inside the haunted warehouse, I remember being chased by a freak with a chainsaw and in my head I was like, “PittGirl.  Why are you running?  Clearly this is fake and that man’s chainsaw is fake and the saw isn’t really running even though it sounds exactly like a running chainsaw.  And listen to you scream like a little girl.  Really.  Cowgirl up and put your big girl panties on.  Stop running.  Unless this is someday going to be an urban legend where the girl thinks the haunted house is fake but it ends up being real and she gets her head cut off with a chainsaw.  You know what?  RUN!”

I also remember one of my friends Nick was with me.  Nick was a strong black guy.  He played soccer, if I’m remembering correctly.  I haven’t talked to Nick in years.  And as I was running away screaming from the guy that wanted to cut my head off, my arms possibly flailing, Nick was doubled over.  Pointing and laughing.  Just yukking it up, really.

A bit later, near the end of the path through the warehouse, Nick was walking in front of me, you know, because he’s strong and brave and I’ll protect you, PittGirl.

And a gorilla jumped out of the shadows.  A dumb gorilla.

And Nick screamed like a baby girl.

And Nick stopped dead in his tracks and reached behind himself to grab onto me.  I was ready to tell him that I was fine.  It’s a guy in a gorilla suit.  I don’t need to use your body as a human shield, thanks.

But then I realized that Nick was frantically scrambling to get BEHIND me because he apparently wanted me to protect him.

And boy, did I yuk it up.

Sissy.  I mean, it’s not like it was a scary howler monkey.

Then, my God, shoot the bastard.





19 Comments

  1. Ken
    September 25, 2008 10:14 am

    I think Nick was just trying to cop a feel.



  2. Summer
    September 25, 2008 10:22 am

    Screw that. I am so not going anywhere near the ScareHouse. It baffles me that people pay to be scared half to death. I would pay those people to stay far, far, far away from me.



  3. pittgirl
    September 25, 2008 10:44 am

    Ken, he did ask me on a date not long after, so you may be on to something.



  4. deebee
    September 25, 2008 10:50 am

    Heck I’m so jumpy that if you walk up behind me while I’m reading and start talking I damn near pee myself. Go somewhere to get scared on purpose? Yea right.



  5. Jill
    September 25, 2008 11:18 am

    Oh PittGirl, you are hilarious!! Thanks for a good laugh. If I’m going to pee myself, I’d MUCH rather do it laughing at your blog than being scared senseless!



  6. Pensgirl
    September 25, 2008 11:25 am

    My friend tells a story that never fails to crack me up. One year she went with a group to a haunted farm, and at one point a guy on a horse comes galloping up from behind them, out of nowhere, and he’s twirling a mace (those big metal spiked balls on a chain). One of the guys in my friend’s group was stoic through it all, and he’s the one who turns first at the sound. He sees the guy rushing at them and takes off running, yelling “HOOOORRRRRRSE!”



  7. Jimmy
    September 25, 2008 11:38 am

    PG, I think the boat you were on was called the U.S.S. Nightmare and it was in Station Square. I went there when I was about 10 years old and have been scarred since. I get scared enough walking through my own house at night. Paying for that experience? No thanks.



  8. Katie
    September 25, 2008 12:08 pm

    Oh my gosh guys I’m laughing so hard right now I’m glad there’s no one in my office with me. I laughed at Nick hard enough that my sides are hurting. And then I read Pensgirl’s comment too. I didn’t think it was possible to laugh harder than I already had been…. Now I have this double vision of one macho guy trying to cower behind PittGirl because of a gorilla and a second of a guy running frantically away from a random horse. Sooooooooooooo needed that laugh :)



  9. PittGirl
    September 25, 2008 1:01 pm

    Now I will never stop laughing at the word “horse.”

    Hilarious.



  10. Kat
    September 25, 2008 1:03 pm

    My birthday is at the end of October, and people are always trying to convince me that it would be *SO FUN* to go to a haunted house. No. Just no. I’m not paying 15 bucks to walk in the dark so that some drama student with a lot of white makeup on can startle me.



  11. BIGGEORGE
    September 25, 2008 1:08 pm

    I’ve only been in a Halloween house as a
    worker not a vistor. It is hillarious!!!

    I worked one where the people came into the room and saw a crazy lady in a corner.
    I was in the walkin cabinet and would come out slamming doors and chasin’ people. I saw people break the sound barrier trying to get out of there. I thinked it helped that I am 6’1″ and 300lbs. and carring an axe!!!!

    I wish I had thought about a gorrila suit,
    that would have been a lot more fun!!!!

    BIGGEORGE



  12. Ex-Pat Pittsburgh Girl
    September 25, 2008 1:25 pm

    I am absolutely not a fan of haunted houses, or even scary movies. I think part of it goes back to the haunted house/boat ride at Kennywood that made me hysterical when I was eight,the movie Halloween and me reading (stupidly if you ask me) the actual book of the Amityville Horror. I haven’t been to a haunted house in many, many, many years, I can’t watch scary movies and I don’t remember the last time I read an Amityville Horror type book. I don’t need spooky. I can easily let my own imagination scare the snot out of me.



  13. Alison
    September 25, 2008 1:59 pm

    i’m so going to a haunted house this year. i really want to her my boyfriend scream like a girl.
    and i KNOW he will. at least i hope so. it will make my year.



  14. Alison
    September 25, 2008 2:02 pm

    i want to hear my boyfriend scream like a girl.
    my typing skills have gone way downhill.



  15. Stacey
    September 25, 2008 3:06 pm

    Think it’s bad to pay $15 to go to a haunted house – try $50 to get into Universal Studios Halloween Horror Nights. Trust me, those haunted houses are freaky.. got chased by a Velociraptor in Jurassic Park one year.



  16. SK
    September 25, 2008 3:38 pm

    I went to the Station Square one once. First let me say, I’m claustrophic and deathly afraid of bugs… My boyfriend’s dad was in front of me when it was time to crawl through (on hands and knees) a tiny plastic tunnel that had roaches on top of the glass above you. The BF’s dad thought it would be funny to stop so I would be stuck. I have never screamed and punched someone in their ass as much as I did that night (to get him to move). I’ve hated the guy ever since.



  17. SK
    September 25, 2008 3:39 pm

    Claustrophic… haha. Claustrophobic. Typing errors are catchy



  18. gumbygirl
    September 25, 2008 5:03 pm

    I went to one on the boardwalk in Atlantic City years ago. Big mistake. All of the characters were creepy junkie types. One of the girls we were with lost her contact lens halfway through. We’re all crawling around trying to find it, and these whacko’s would not let up with their schtick. Finally, my brother grabbed one of them by the throat and told him in no uncertain terms to back off. It was horrible, I still carry emotional scars. But we did find Nancy’s contact!



  19. Christina
    September 27, 2008 4:03 pm

    I am terrified of haunted houses, scary movies, and anything that might be scary. Remember the Gold Rush at Kennywood? Not really remotely scary, right? I was screaming and flailing my arms and I pulled one of the bat props down from the ceiling. Which made me scream even more.

    I just don’t get the point of being scared on purpose. I went to some dumb haunted house at my college, and I knew the people who were going to be in there, and I went through it with all of my friends just screaming and hoping to find the exit. Some people handle it better than others. I am not one of those people, either!