As you know because you are obsessed with me and you read every word I write and that is totally not true, but let’s pretend it is … I had a WiiInjury that WiiCrippled me when I was doing WiiYoga last week, did the WiiDancer pose and heard a WiiPop come from somewhere in my upper WiiBody.
My injury to my neck and back was so severe that I awoke from my sleep several times last Thursday night to find tears on my cheeks. By morning, I was paralyzed because moving even a centimeter meant screaming out “F*#& YOU, WIISTEVE!” at the top of my lungs.
Mother of PittGirl called my office, realized I wasn’t in and then called me at home.
“What are you doing?”
“Just lying here.”
“Why aren’t you at work?”
“‘Cause I’m lying here.”
“‘Cause I might be paralyzed.”
I got a real nice lecture that only a mother can give that I think even included the phrase “The United States of America.” She’s that good.
By mid morning, I was able to move enough to crawl over to the computer and check my emails. Because I had mentioned the previous day that I was feeling arm numbness in addition to my neck pain, I had several emails from concerned readers, giving me advice and also giving me names of doctors and chiropractors all around the Burgh that could help.
I love you guys. And no, I haven’t been drinking. Much.
Then I read an email that basically said, “Look, PittGirl, one time I sneezed and had to get neck surgery because of it,” and that was all it took for me to grab the phone and call a chiropractor.
I threw my curls into a ponytail, awkwardly slithered into my easiest to slither in jeans and headed to get my body fixed up good.
And I walked into the exam room and see this … this … machine of torture or something.
Saucy takes one look at it and is all, “Oh. Hell. No. [snap] Are you seeing this? [snap] Girl, I saw something like that in Silence of the Lambs. [snap] If the doctor goes Hannibal and makes that “ffft ffft ffft” sound with his mouth, you kick him and I’ll stun him with some Jonas Brothers music and we make a run for it. [snap].”
She calmed down when she realized that it was just a table made to allow a person to gradually be lowered to a reclined position.
So the chiropractor puts me on this thing and is all, “Wow. You really did a number on yourself. Let me fix that. [snap crackle pop].”
I didn’t know backs could sound so much like a bowl of Rice Krispies. But it worked. I was mobile once again. Still sore, but I didn’t need to crawl back to my car.
Unfortunately, I re-injured my neck not two days later when I strained too hard putting on a turtleneck. I know.
I haven’t seen WiiSteve for six days now as I recover once again. Not for a lunge, a half moon, a sun salute, a jackknife, or even some deep breathing.
Tomorrow will be my first day back and I guarantee Fitty is going to give me the whole, “Wow. Seven days. On a scale of one to ten, how much are you a loser? Wait. I’ll tell you. Ten.”
And then WiiSteve will probably be all, “Hey, fatass, let’s workout!”
I might kick him in the WiiDonkeyOmelets.
(surprisingly, spellcheck has no suggestion for how to fix “WiiDonkeyOmelets”)