My ouchie.

As you know because you are obsessed with me and you read every word I write and that is totally not true, but let’s pretend it is … I had a WiiInjury that WiiCrippled me when I was doing WiiYoga last week, did the WiiDancer pose and heard a WiiPop come from somewhere in my upper WiiBody.

My injury to my neck and back was so severe that I awoke from my sleep several times last Thursday night to find tears on my cheeks.  By morning, I was paralyzed because moving even a centimeter meant screaming out “F*#& YOU, WIISTEVE!” at the top of my lungs.

Mother of PittGirl called my office, realized I wasn’t in and then called me at home.

“What are you doing?”

“Just lying here.”

“Why aren’t you at work?”

“‘Cause I’m lying here.”

“Why?”

“‘Cause I might be paralyzed.”

I got a real nice lecture that only a mother can give that I think even included the phrase “The United States of America.”   She’s that good.

By mid morning, I was able to move enough to crawl over to the computer and check my emails.  Because I had mentioned the previous day that I was feeling arm numbness in addition to my neck pain, I had several emails from concerned readers, giving me advice and also giving me names of doctors and chiropractors all around the Burgh that could help.

I love you guys.  And no, I haven’t been drinking.  Much.

Then I read an email that basically said, “Look, PittGirl, one time I sneezed and had to get neck surgery because of it,” and that was all it took for me to grab the phone and call a chiropractor.

I threw my curls into a ponytail, awkwardly slithered into my easiest to slither in jeans and headed to get my body fixed up good.

And I walked into the exam room and see this … this … machine of torture or something.

Saucy takes one look at it and is all, “Oh.  Hell.  No.  [snap]  Are you seeing this? [snap] Girl, I saw something like that in Silence of the Lambs. [snap]  If the doctor goes Hannibal and makes that “ffft ffft ffft” sound with his mouth, you kick him and I’ll stun him with some Jonas Brothers music and we make a run for it. [snap].”

She calmed down when she realized that it was just a table made to allow a person to gradually be lowered to a reclined position.

So the chiropractor puts me on this thing and is all, “Wow.  You really did a number on yourself.  Let me fix that.  [snap crackle pop].”

Ow.

I didn’t know backs could sound so much like a bowl of Rice Krispies.  But it worked.  I was mobile once again.  Still sore, but I didn’t need to crawl back to my car.

Unfortunately, I re-injured my neck not two days later when I strained too hard putting on a turtleneck.  I know.

I haven’t seen WiiSteve for six days now as I recover once again.  Not for a lunge, a half moon, a sun salute, a jackknife, or even some deep breathing.

Tomorrow will be my first day back and I guarantee Fitty is going to give me the whole, “Wow.  Seven days.  On a scale of one to ten, how much are you a loser?  Wait.  I’ll tell you.  Ten.”

And then WiiSteve will probably be all, “Hey, fatass, let’s workout!”

I might kick him in the WiiDonkeyOmelets.

(surprisingly, spellcheck has no suggestion for how to fix “WiiDonkeyOmelets”)





24 Comments

  1. MiamiShyner
    October 9, 2008 9:03 am

    Glad to hear that you’re (almost) feeling better. Tell WiiSteve to put it in the end of his WiiWeeWee.



  2. Magnus Patris
    October 9, 2008 9:07 am

    Hey, it only gets worse. Wait until you sneeze, hurt your neck and shit your pants all at the same time. I’m not sayin’ I have… I’m just sayin’ wait for it. It may be years from now, but you’ll remember, I warned you.



  3. HokieRider
    October 9, 2008 9:13 am

    I’m feelin your pain PG. Had two wisdom teeth removed on Monday. Sneezing sucks. Eating sucks.

    The chiro helped me big time with my back problems. Hope your neck starts feelin better soon. I’d be lost without your witty banter to get me through the day.



  4. lauren_hbg
    October 9, 2008 9:17 am

    Hokie, I totally feel your pain – I had ALL FOUR of my IMPACTED wisdom teeth removed last summer. It was the single most painful five days of my entire life.

    Whenever anyone tells me they’re getting their wisdom teeth, I tell them not to bother and just live with those extra back there.



  5. John
    October 9, 2008 9:37 am

    Just do the deep breathing and Zen candle and call it a day.



  6. minutes from the mall
    October 9, 2008 10:03 am

    You know, my wife does yoga, but not really as a contact sport. She must play in a different league.



  7. bucdaddy
    October 9, 2008 10:14 am

    Let me know when they come out with WiiSex. I’m there.

    Cause this:

    “I threw my curls into a ponytail, awkwardly slithered into my easiest to slither in jeans and headed to get my body fixed up good.”

    has me, you know, a bit … ah, worked up.



  8. charlie
    October 9, 2008 10:17 am

    bucdaddy…tell me about it. The picture of what PG looks like…at least in my head is awesome. Whenever (if ever) her identity is revealed…I’ll be there for her!



  9. Loopy
    October 9, 2008 11:29 am

    I swear by my Chiropractor. It’s always a relief after my adjustment. I go once a month, even if nothing feels out of place, my neck always is.

    Worth. Every. penny.

    Oh, and usually the table is down when it’s my turn, bonus if it is up after the last person, FREE RIDE!



  10. retiredguy
    October 9, 2008 11:41 am

    I feel for ya PG. I injured my neck many years ago, and it has never been right since. Pain and numbness in my left arm and hand sent me to a cardiologist. Turned out I had a herniated disc. A chiropractor helped a lot though.

    Since we’re telling wisdom tooth extraction stories. I had my impacted bottom wisdom teeth removed while fully awake, by an Army dentist, with a surgical hammer and chisel. I was then sent back to the barracks with a 3 day supply of Tylenol (without codeine). Thank God the military drinking age then was 18. This was the beginning of a 20 year love affair with Wild Turkey.



  11. LisaK
    October 9, 2008 12:32 pm

    I once yelled at my kids and couldn’t move my neck for 2 weeks. It took the chiro 3 weeks to fix me up!!



  12. BIGGEORGE
    October 9, 2008 1:31 pm

    What are you guys whining about? I had all my impacted wisdom teeth removed and was back at college in class the next day!!

    I was 18 or 19 and had come home from college with a real bad tooth ache.

    My dentist gave me a small pill to take after I was dressed in the morning.

    My mother told me she had to push me up the stairs to get to the car. She couldn’t get me to sit in the front seat so she had me lay across the back seat.

    In the elevator at the dentist office she leaned me in the corner for the ride up.

    She had to repeat the same thing in reverse to get me home.

    When I woke up 14 hours after taking that one little pill, I couldn’t figure why I had fallen asleep in the reclining chair and was now lying face down on the couch in the fetal position!!!!

    I think I remember making a pass at the nurse when she asked me how I was doing.

    Nothing else I can be sure of on that day.



  13. kkinLA
    October 9, 2008 3:49 pm

    PittGirl:

    For real, (back when I used to actually live in the Burgh), I threw my neck out after riding that crazy roller coaster at Kennywood (on UPMC Day, nonetheless). What was it called? The Iron something-or-other? But it plunged way down into the gorge going a million miles an hour. I get off of the ride, and “pop, snap…PAIN!” I couldn’t go to work for 2 days. I couldn’t turn my head for a week. So, I know what you’re going thru…damn that Wii!



  14. Ruby Vroom
    October 9, 2008 3:59 pm

    My dad is a chiropractor and I used to love riding the adjustment tables when I was little. It was my big thrill whenever I went to his office.

    kkinLA, you aren’t even kidding. Dad loves the week after our school district’s Kennywood picnic because he’s fully booked with people who get banged up on the coasters, bumper cars, etc. The first year the Steel Phantom came out and it was way too rough and fast, he totally cleaned up.



  15. Still A Fan
    October 9, 2008 6:39 pm

    when i was like 33 or so i ruptured my L5 disk. i was bent over all day pressing a shop-vac into a wet carpet that was recently under 4 inches of water. after already being weak from the 45 degree angle all day….i then tried to rip apart a heat seam and i felt something go POP. i dealt with a bad back for close to 3 years giving up both golf and tennis. finally it started to feel better and i got back into shape by taking up running. ok, thats the history…the fun part now is….any dorky thing i do with my back can tweak it and put me into pain for a day or two as i revert. the craziest thing that caused me to go backwards in health? i was on business in northern CT and was running late for a meeting because i slept in. i hopped in the shower and started to wash my hair furiously……BAM. i walked around the rest of the day like an old geezer who pooped in his depends.



  16. retiredguy
    October 9, 2008 7:12 pm

    The Steal Phantom killed me! I forgot all about that. I rode that thing the first year it opened. My neck was so stiff I had to turn my whole upper body to look left and right.

    About hurting yourself doing goofy things. I once cracked two ribs….coughing.



  17. just a girl
    October 9, 2008 7:29 pm

    I see a Chiro weekly…bad back gene from my Mom…I have a knot in the exact same spot she does! Stress kills it

    For all you wisdom teeth posters….I am having mine out soon…go for the consult next week….I should have had this done 20 years ago so I might be 2 weeks off work…at least I finally built up enough sick days



  18. Robin
    October 9, 2008 7:39 pm

    Oh my goodness, that’s a pic of Dr. Herbert’s office!!!



  19. TheJim
    October 9, 2008 8:21 pm

    I have a long, rehearsed diatribe regarding chiropractors. It’s best experience in person (after many, many beers), but since that isn’t an option, here are the high points:

    – They’re a bunch of voodoo witch doctors that don’t know anything about anything related to your health or well being.
    – They dress up in grass skirts, paint stars on their chests and half moons on their bellies (like Kamala, the 80’s pro wrestler), and dance around a cauldron of something or other.
    -They will try to tell you they can fix all sorts of things by adjusting you – neck pain, sore throats, fractured skulls, car trouble…
    -They roll out this weirdo table contraption with a bunch of snappy joints on it. This is a complete dog and pony show designed to make you believe the chiro popped something important into place that wasn’t already there.
    -Once they adjust you, you feel better for some pre-determined amount of time (a few days?), after which you start to hurt again and have to go back.



  20. bucdaddy
    October 9, 2008 9:18 pm

    Spoo, I shoulda known.



  21. bucdaddy
    October 9, 2008 9:19 pm

    Spoo? Heh. Best Freudian slip ever.
    Meant “Spoon,” obviously.



  22. spoon
    October 10, 2008 7:28 am

    shoulda known it was out there or that I would have a link to it? or both?



  23. emoboy
    October 24, 2008 1:06 pm

    hi, My pics of my new emo hairstyle
    on http://xrl.us/ouog6