What They’re Really Thinking: Star Wars Edition

Dear God.

Holy moly.

Holy smokes.

Holy cow.

Cheese and crackers.

Jiminy Cricket!

Jumpin’ Jehosephat!

What the hell just happened?

First, because I am a wonderful family member, I actually watched a majority of this game at my cousin’s house during my little cousin’s birthday party.

Star Wars themed it was.

We kicked the kiddos out of the TV room where they were watching Star Wars and making fun of Chewbacca (He can’t talk.  He’s like “Bluuuuuuurgh.”  HAHAHAH!  Stupid bear.) because kiddos, it’s time for the grownups to watch football.  Go beat each other up in the backyard.

Pens Fan, Father of PittGirl, Uncle of PittGirl, and I parked ourselves on the leather sofas and proceeded to watch shitloads of bad stuff happen.

What is this?

This is What They’re Really Thinking: Star Wars Edition in honor of little cousin Z and his new Darth Vader heavy breathing voice changing mask.  Luke.  I am your father.

If you’ve never seen a Star Wars movie, you’re going to be very lost.  Poor you.

1.  Things started out okay and once again, Mwelde Moore did a fine job replacing the injured Willie Parker.  But with a final passer rating of negative babillionty, The Duke of Fug and the Earl of Gross was temporarily The Jedi Master of Suck and the Emperor of Interceptions.

Except he wasn’t fine.  He did it four times.  That’s the opposite of fine.  That’s ruling over All Suck.

2.  The defense wasn’t terrible, I guess.  It could have been bigger and badder.

Git him, little Ewoks.

3.  To say we got our asses smacked in the fourth quarter would be … well … about right.

In fact, we even were so gracious as to hold still for them while they did it.

4.  We even let them in our huddle!

5.  Troysus was so overcome by the ass-spanking that he spent some time doing his Darth Vader breathing exercises.

What?  Darth Vader totally sounds like he’s saying cookie when he breathes.

Listen for it.

6.  Greg Warren, our long snapper, got hurt and is out for the season, and he knew no shortage of choice words about it:

Who knew a long snapper was so verbose and so … vital?

Not me.

7.  Not until James Harrison launched a missile over Mitch Berger’s head, sending him scrambling after the errant ball.

Is he smiling there?  Laugh it up, fuzzball.

8.  It was a very crazy last quarter.  But not as crazy as this conflicted guy:

The galaxy be damned.  I just want a long snapper who doesn’t aim the ball for the Forest Moon of Endor.


  1. windy city steel city
    October 27, 2008 1:22 pm

    All in all, a kick in the shin loss. The media blackout of Aaron Smith’s “personal situation” has me curious. Brett Keisel gushed over him and what he has been through this week in a P-G interview in this morning’s paper. Anyone know what happened? Unless I missed it somewhere, I am in dark.

  2. red pen mama
    October 27, 2008 1:29 pm

    I was at a child’s bday party yesterday during the game too. Not Star Wars themed, disappointingly. Very funny WTRT again. Stifling laughter in my cube at work.

    I’m with windy — very curious about Smith’s personal situation. Why even mention it if you can’t tell us about it? I think that’s incredibly unfair to Smith. And us.

    I had hoped they could close the deal, but they made way too many mistakes. Oh, well. Eleven to go.


  3. windy city steel city
    October 27, 2008 1:30 pm

    After a quick Google search. A link to TribLIVE indicates Aaron’s four year old son has been diagnosed with leukemia. It is certainly unfortunate and I can imagine the great Steelers fans out there will show him and his family support.
    Just upset with myself that I thought it was another pro football player who messed up again.

  4. Elmer Palmer
    October 27, 2008 1:37 pm

    On a day like today Ken Rice could grace us with an eloquent soliloquy on the values of long snapping. I am waiting, Ken, I am waitng….

  5. Magnus Patris
    October 27, 2008 1:47 pm

    Can’t believe you missed the obvious; “I’ve got a bad feeling about this!”

  6. Pensgirl
    October 27, 2008 1:55 pm

    I’m pretty sure the theme of this week’s game was “All your offense are belong to us.”

    The D was great given the situation the offense continually put them in: no rest and the Giants on a short field. If not for the play of the D, the Giants would have been up 21-7 when they were actually down 7-6. They kept us in the game when we could have been routed. They played like a playoff team. And the offense…was offensive.

    Terrible about Smith’s kid. Calls to mind Ashley Barrasso…and the good news about that is that after all that hell, she’s reportedly doing great (15+ years later).

  7. Jess
    October 27, 2008 1:57 pm

    Troysus needs to get down on his knees. Literally; if I see him try to arm tackle again my head is gonna essplode.

  8. john
    October 27, 2008 1:57 pm

    Master Obiwan lost an important game… How embarassing…How embarassing

  9. NY Luvs Pitts
    October 27, 2008 2:00 pm

    I was so totally like the conflicted guy in the end. I’m at a house where I was suppose to be cheering for the Giants but when Mewelde made that first touchdown and yelled “YES” I got the evil eye. I had to quickly apologize and explain how I didn’t mean that and I was confused. I dread getting on the bus to go home today. I know the bus driver is going to be looking for me.

  10. unsatisfied
    October 27, 2008 2:24 pm

    if that’s what happened with aaron’s son, that’s a terrible shame.

    but, I will disagree with the above posters — the smith’s family issues are really NOOFB.

    nice “star wars” theme, PG. if only skippy had something to do, like kick the winning FG, for instance — perhaps his caption could have said something like, “hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good slut at your side, kid.”

  11. Kathy
    October 27, 2008 2:37 pm

    Maybe the fans should have been all “Would it help if we got out and pushed?” along with the o-line that is. (one of my favorite Princess Leia quotes)

  12. captain dummy
    October 27, 2008 2:56 pm

    not for nothing… but… when i was a kid (physically, like in the 80’s… even though i still act like one), we had a star wars coloring book and my brother went in and colored all the darth vader pages with a black helmet with a yellow stripe down the middle like a steelers helmet. ALWAYS got a chuckle out of that!

  13. Matter & Antimatter
    October 27, 2008 3:10 pm

    I dunno, I think the crazy divided loyalties getup is amusing. (I don’t know if that’s the idea there, but that’s what it looks like to me.) Except you’d need to find somebody with the same divided loyalties to swap the other halves of your jerseys. Tricky.

  14. Jim
    October 27, 2008 3:31 pm

    The only thing worse than watching them lose was watching them in those absolutely horrible throwback (or should it be THROWN OUT) uniforms. Someone please tell them that they were replaced by a new design for a reason and should never be seen again? Oh, and tell Ben he needs to get rid of the ball rather than always assume he is going to escape the sack. That just ain’t workin for him these days.

  15. Just saying
    October 27, 2008 4:18 pm

    Pensgirl – you are an angel for delivering such positive info. I hope the Smith family hears about Barrasso’s daughter. When you are a parent of a child that has complictions, you can’t imagine how good it feels to hear good news!

  16. Foghorn Tom
    October 27, 2008 4:26 pm

    Some things I think I think (props to Phil Musick):

    * Sorry, I’m not a sci-fi/Star-whatever fan, couldn’t get into it. If you ever decide to do a Mel Brooks version, I’m the only background source you’ll need.

    * The long snap / safety importance is vastly overrated, it was one play in a game full of mistakes. Give Harrison credit for trying (I see Tomlin did)

    * Check out the REAL “60’s Throwback” uniforms, the ones with the gold shoulder pad area that sorta was meant to depict The Golden Triangle. If you think the current throwbacks are fugly, you ain’t seen nothin’ yet.

    [ Trying a link here, don’t know if it will work: http://www.moyerstuff.com/cards/image_416.jpg ]

    * Once again a word to all of you little Hulksters who wager the games: Head, not heart. I had the Giants + 3 1/2, the line was indeed bassackwards.

    Ta for now, gotta go harass some idiots on Craigslist

  17. Mitch Cumstein
    October 27, 2008 6:50 pm

    Um, Darth Vader is saying “Joooooooooe Paaaa” when he breathes.

  18. Jeff the Speech Therapist
    October 27, 2008 9:44 pm

    I can’t believe I’m the first person to post that I firmly now believe the NFL is 100% a rigged cult of personality. If only we could GET the personality to reap the benefit.

    I left this game– owning our mistakes as best I could– with bile in my throat, seriously questioning my continuing patronage of the NFL. It’s terrible break-up, as I’ve come to absolutely love football season, but sitting there waiting for the NFL to call the refs with that week’s winners sounds about as much fun as watching anything M Night Shamalamadingdong has shat upon us in recent years.

  19. cheritycall
    October 28, 2008 2:04 am

    Hello, Give something to help those hungry people in Africa and India,
    I created this blog about them:
    in http://tinyurl.com/6p6lb8

  20. MoreRoeth, LessBurgher
    October 29, 2008 12:25 pm

    Obi-Wan (Ben) Kenobi could have said to the game refs…..
    “You don’t need to see his identification … he’s not the wide receiver (#86) you’re looking for … He can go about his business … Move along.”

    I agree that the secrecy surrounding Smith’s situation makes me all the more curious – just human nature I guess. Regardless it isn’t anyone’s business, but a fact of life when you choose a profession that puts you in the public eye.

    Thank goodness he is a Steeler, because no one is more caring and thoughtful and powerful than Steeler fans.

    See yinz at Heinz Field 12/07/08 – SuperBowl revenge against the Dallas Crackwagon!!!!