What They’re Really Thinking: Wittle Piggies Edition

Are you voting today?  I am.  And I’m going to be so happy to do it.  Not because I’m all gung ho about any one candidate, but because by voting, that means this WHOLE CROCK OF CRAP IS ALMOST OVER.

Last night’s game was brought to us by 483 commercials of which 482 were political.  Too. Much.

On to the game:

1.  You know what’s fun?  Watching the Steelers while reading what the people you are following on Twitter have to say about the game.

And that right there pretty much sums up the first half of the game.

Major. Suck.

2.  The Asshat, fresh from his suspension for his 420 love, pretty much returned to being Butterfingers Asshat for a good majority of the game, dropping 483 passes, 482 of which were catchable.

The question is, was he sucking because he was high or was he sucking because he WASN’T high.

That is shit I can’t get to the bottom of.  Not even PittGirl has that kind of power.

3.  Mike Tomlin made the Dumbest Decision Ever by opening the game with an onside kick.

Really?!? There is no need for these kind of shenanigans that early in the game.  This is not a movie.  We are not Marshall.  Or whatever.  Stop it.  Just play straight Steelers football and win games.

4.  Being the Duke of Fug and the Earl of Gross just isn’t enough for Benny anymore, as he’s working hard to be crowned the King of All Football Suck.

His passer rating before he was mercifully injured?  15.1.  Fifteen point one!  The only Steeler I would expect capable of achieving a passer rating of 15.1 is maybe Baby Cici Donna.  But even then, if he just imagined the ball was a carrot, he’d throw that thing away far and hard and true.

5.  Maybe the refs were confusing Benny or something?

6.  Or maybe the Sexy Stretching Cheerleaders got to Benny.

7.   Or maybe it was the Hogettes in their piggy noses and HAWT oink-oink grunting.

Who knew Benny had a pig fetish?

There’s hope for you yet, minions!

Ba-ba-BAH!

5.  Benny can’t run.  Ever.  Why is this?  There was more than one occasion yesterday when his big giant legs just needed to decide to take three steps and BAM! first down.  Instead, he’d stand there, hold the ball, lead in his shoes while waiting for the inevitable sack.

Run, Benny!  RUN!

8.  Byron Leftwich came in and made me a fan.

It was good to be back on the field again,” Leftwich said.

Here’s the amazing part:

“I truly don’t know the offense yet,” said Leftwich.

When you’re good at football, you’re good at football.

9.  The Steelers blocked a punt.

[thud]

I am as shocked as you are.

10.  Jeff Skippy Skeeve Reed missed an extra point attempt.

[thud]

I am as shocked as you are.  Now you KNOW that had something to do with the sideline sluts.

Also, this is what I get for not benching his skeevy ass in fantasy football.  I have lost four in a row, this game lost to KDKA’s Jim Lokay by three points.

I officially give up.

11.  Heath Miller is hurt with a bad ankle and THAT IS NOT GOOD!  We need him.

James Harrison is aware of this, so the beast went and got Heath some new legs.

12.  A win is a win is a win.

Next week, the likely return of the Duke of Fug and the Earl of Gross, heir to the throne of All Football Suck.





30 Comments

  1. Brett
    November 4, 2008 11:22 am

    It was weird how the O-line didn’t look nearly as bad after Byron came in…

    I couldn’t believe how well the defense played, especially on that drive where the BS roughing the passer penalty was called. Stopping them from scoring on that one was a major statement.



  2. rachel
    November 4, 2008 11:28 am

    I take pride in the fact that the Steelers know the value of a talented backup quarterback.

    Do you think the Duke exaggerated his injury so he could the eff out of there? 15.1, that’s outrageous! Derek Anderson lost his starting position with a much higher QB rating than that!



  3. Marc
    November 4, 2008 11:43 am

    Say it with me, it was one game with a 15.1 passer rating. One game, he shouldn’t lose his job over this, Leftwich couldn’t even keep the starting job in ATL last year.



  4. three
    November 4, 2008 11:46 am

    Well, good thing a win is a win — otherwise, the style points would be killing us this season.



  5. rachel
    November 4, 2008 12:01 pm

    I wasn’t saying he should lose his job. I was making fun of the Browns for ousting Anderson when the whole team needs to be re-evaluated. Pointing out that we’re not stupid enough to switch QBs just because they don’t have record-high ratings. It’s called sarcasm.



  6. Sooska
    November 4, 2008 12:06 pm

    Did anyone notice that the announcers were horrible? When Leftwich came in they said the following: Leftwich has had a lot of ankle injuries because his feet are down in the pocket for the opponents to get at.” Duke has no such problem.

    Also Heath Miller is not Heath, but instead is really his secret brother “Sean Miller.” That is either (1) really his secret brother playing like Sid Crosby’s brother Steve played in the opener of the SCF in Detroit (2) Sean is the one who is hurt (we can hope) or (3) Sean gave up basketball coaching to play football.

    RE: Baby Polamalu- Troysus just said teh name is “PIE- EESS- EE -OSS.” He said his wife was in labor for a very long time and he hasn’t slept much cause “you can’t sleep when you have that baby on your arms.” He said “you don’t want to be a coward out there or turn down hits cause your son will be watching.” (that’s close enough.) AHHHHHHHH



  7. MountaineerHoo
    November 4, 2008 12:07 pm

    The “funbags” caption made me almost spit tea all over my computer. And a win is a win is a win. As long as I don’t have to hear my students brag about the Redskins, all is right with the world.



  8. Brother Anthony
    November 4, 2008 12:09 pm

    this post was tight, yo



  9. firefly88
    November 4, 2008 12:14 pm

    “Who knew Benny had a pig fetish?

    There’s hope for you yet, minions!”

    I thought you said Benny’s minions were Fug BUNNIES! But pigs?!

    Rather bitchy. Kind of like me saying I’m glad Zima’s been discontinued.

    Actually, I’ve always thought the passer rating calculation formula should take ham-handed receivers into account. It takes two playes to complete a pass. If a pass is catchable and the intended receiver doesn’t do his job, why ding the QB only?



  10. Ex-Pat Pittsburgh Girl
    November 4, 2008 12:17 pm

    The first half was a giant performance of suck. Maybe it was just on the tv in my neighborhood bar, but it appeared as if many time the offense, including the receivers, were just standing straight up and going through the motions…very slowly. I was lucky we had no sound so I didn’t have to listen to the ESPN blowhards. Although, at halftime when ESPN did the ESPN Nation map of the US asking which QB would have a better half and Washington and Oregon were in red (for Jason Campbell), it was kind of funny hearing a bunch of otherwise disinterested Oregonians freak out with “OMG, what happened?! Why is Oregon red? This can’t be happening?!” I basically turned around and said, it kind of helps if you read the text instead of just relying on the pretty pictures.



  11. Mrs. Pitsberger
    November 4, 2008 12:25 pm

    I agree with firefly – it’s not Benny’s fault that Santonio couldn’t catch crabs in a Mexican whorehouse last night.



  12. maxtalbot
    November 4, 2008 12:33 pm

    I voted straight Choke-A-Bitch-ocrat this morning. I was so proud.



  13. Sofa King
    November 4, 2008 12:41 pm

    I was at the game last night and I think the entire crowd let out a collective “WTF?” when we started the game with the on-side kick. In the end, it may have been a somewhat crazy call, but it showed confidence in our defense.

    All things considered, I think our defense’s stellar performance is the real story here. Aside from a few breakdowns in the secondary this season, we have been pretty dominant on that side of the ball. Holding the league-leading rusher to 51 yards after he’d rushed for 120 in 5 straight games, as well as recording 7 sacks against a pretty good Redskins offensive line are no small feats, not to mention intercepting 2 passes from Campbell, who hadn’t thrown a pick all year. If the old addage “defense wins championships” holds true, then I’d say we have as good a shot as any other team out there at this juncture.

    Plus, I can’t being to say how awesome it was to see all of the Steelers fans there. I would estimate 40% of the 90,000 in attendance were in black and gold…gotta love Steeler Nation!



  14. Pensgirl
    November 4, 2008 1:00 pm

    My friends took me out for a drink after work last night, and because of my long commute that meant I missed nearly the entire first half. So yay for that.

    We might not be Marshall, but Byron Leftwich is.

    Also, bear-hugs for the defense.

    The lack of Redskins gear in DC this morning was a very pleasant sight. Or non-sight, as it were.



  15. b&g fever
    November 4, 2008 1:23 pm

    Go Steelers!



  16. unsatisfied
    November 4, 2008 1:27 pm

    I agree that the onsides kick was a little wack — but, if it worked, it would have been genius and would have given us great field position right off the bat — an important thing in a road game.

    as it turned out, it wasn’t and between that and the deflected pickoff on the 2nd series, we handed the skins 6 points.

    kudos to the entire defense for keeping washington off the board otherwise.

    glad to see fast willie running again — not a bad game for his first game back. though, I’m still diggin’ mewelde moore’s skills.

    it’s quite evident that ben’s hurt worse that what is being let on — can we collectively agree to drop this whole “exaggeration” bullshit? (probably not.)

    of course, the funbags in attendance could not have helped.

    btw — GREAT job by leftwich, coming in and getting things done.



  17. unsatisfied
    November 4, 2008 1:28 pm

    one more thing — agreed — those toyota commercials MUST. GO.



  18. Captain Dummy
    November 4, 2008 1:29 pm

    big ben obviously wanted mccain to win… thats why he quit mid way while the skins still had a chance!



  19. b&g fever
    November 4, 2008 1:53 pm

    Ben is the franchise qb and has proven himself time and time again. Leftwich has his moments, but look at his record.

    Ben may be distracted with his houseguest here from Canada again. She has attended the past few games including the one last night. Probably tired of waiting so she’s pushing him to put a ring on her finger.



  20. windy city steel city
    November 4, 2008 2:07 pm

    Aside from my screaming for Ben to run, or step up into pocket, or for pete’s sake throw the ball out of bounds before you get sacked AGAIN, I realized I did most of my moaning and groaning any time ESPN faux color man Tony Kornhole opened his mouth. He has now surpassed Bill Walton & Tim McCarver as supremely suck-tastic. Anyone from the San Dimas HS Football team could have offered more. From inane comments about shoes to his homer attitude towards the Redskins [check your feathers at the door when you are on national tv, Jaws Jaworski is never THAT obvious when blathering about the Iggles] he grated me like parmesean.

    Peyton better get his debit card aht for the d-caf, because here come the Steelers D-Fence



  21. PittinDC
    November 4, 2008 2:08 pm

    There is no greater day to be living and working in DC as a Burgher than today.

    As for the commentators – Tony Kornheiser is horrible, has always been horrible, and will always be horrible. I can’t stand that man.

    Also, all of the reporters and commentators down here seem really pissed that Skins fans didn’t show up in force last night. Michael Wilbon even dedicated a paragraph about it in his article about Byron Leftwich (a local boy done good). Even Scott Van Pelt seemed pissed about it on SportsCenter last night (another local boy done good). It just goes to show that Redskins fans aren’t as great as they think they are!



  22. jack.
    November 4, 2008 2:18 pm

    so happy that the Steelers statistically elected Barack Obama last night!!!!

    Way to go Steeler Nation!



  23. Steeler Fan in NC
    November 4, 2008 2:27 pm

    Get Better Soon Big Ben–we need you down the stretch. Awesome win. Giants/Steelers Suber Bowl. Book Now



  24. Rusty from Findlay
    November 4, 2008 3:34 pm

    What dumbass (Offensive Coordinator) called a quarterback sneak when the quarterback has been fighting injuries all season, and there are at least three running backs who could easily punch it into the end zone?

    And WORST — ANNOUNCERS — EVER.



  25. McSmooth
    November 4, 2008 3:51 pm

    An ugly win is always better than a pretty loss.

    Skippy Skeeve would agree.



  26. NY Luvs Pitts
    November 4, 2008 3:58 pm

    Thank God we won. At first I thought the O-Line found Santonio’s secret stash and smoked it up b/4 the game. But things got better. What about the amazing D!!!! Dem boys are bad. 7 Sacks!!!! Love it.



  27. MiamiShyner
    November 4, 2008 4:04 pm

    Cup of coffee to keep my super-old 34 year old ass awake till the end of the game: $3

    Fuzzy Steelers blanket because my hubby keeps the bedroom too cold at night: $30

    Being able to come in to work today (in Miami)and jam this win in the faces of the Skins fans in the office who have been riding my ass for three weeks about this game: Priceless!

    I know it’s old, but it still fits the situation.



  28. Summer
    November 4, 2008 4:51 pm

    Run, Benny, Run = Me almost snorting liquids out of my nose.



  29. SportyGal85
    November 4, 2008 7:05 pm

    @b&g fever…I was joking with someone about this during the game last night. He really needs to come up with an excuse for her to go home, so he can get back to (allegedly) picking up chicks at Diesel already. Then, I suppose immigration will send her home soon enough.



  30. Not Again...
    November 4, 2008 7:50 pm

    Nah. The only new gig she could get was Reaper–its filmed in her hometown and their aren’t any citizen issues. Once they get married, she gets a piece of the pie AND citizenship. She’s not letting this one go. She’ll bring her ass to Pittsburgh and keep being a jinx. Lol–but she stands a lot to gain. She picked a good one.