Two pigeon stories.

1.  This morning I was walking from my bus to my office building when a pigeon that was in the middle of the road suddenly stopped pecking whatever imaginary thing it was pecking at on the the ground, slowly looked up at me … and … I promise you I am not making this up, okay?

It did a double take.

Like it recognized me.

Stared me straight in the eyes and followed me with its head as I walked past.

Like, “Oh, shit.  There’s that girl that injected botulism into Ralph’s eyeball.”

2.  Last week, I was on my bus seated in the first row giving me a free view of the road ahead as we clattered noisily through town near the Cultural District.

That’s when I saw it.  Directly in the bus’ wheel path stood a pigeon with its back to us, pecking hungrily at a stray hamburger bun that it probably stole from a little kid.

This pigeon was completely engrossed in eating this bun.

Completely.

It doesn’t see us coming! I thought.  Squeee! I might have said.

As we approached ever faster, closer and closer, I started getting a little giddy.  Like a kid getting ready to go to Kennywood.  I was all, “I wonder if I should put my hands up in the air when we run it over … just to make it more fun?”

When the pigeon disappeared under the front of the bus, it was like Christmas.

Then I felt a bump.  Not so big that we ran over an old lady, but big enough that we crushed the spawn of Satan.

I heard angels singing.

Three seconds later, we’re still moving, I’m smoking a cigarette (wink), when THE FRICKIN’ PIGEON FLIES OUT FROM UNDER THE FRONT OF THE BUS WITH THE BUN IN ITS MOUTH!

The bus driver, stunned, looked over at me and said, “No. Way.”

I can only assume one of several things:

1.  We missed it and it sat under the bus munching on the bun all, “Hmm.  I should probably skedaddle.  It looks like rain.”

2.  We ran it over and pigeons are indestructible sons of bitches.

3.  There is no God.

Are you there, God?  It’s me, PittGirl.





18 Comments

  1. Monty
    November 14, 2008 10:44 am

    Nice, Judy Blume my ass into the weekend.



  2. Sooska
    November 14, 2008 11:05 am

    #2-2 pigeons instanteously reincarnate with even greater strength than they were before because they absorb the evil feelings directed at them.

    #1 You wrote; “It did a double take.
    Like it recognized me.
    Stared me straight in the eyes and followed me with its head as I walked past.”

    My husband brought a young engineer to visit Pittsburgh from India. Siva is a devote Hindu and about 25 YO. When he saw my one kitty he reacted somewhat oddly. She is a stray I took in but lived outside because her family abandoned her. She is street tough and has no sense of humor but is really a sweetheart. This young man was very nervous and finally said to me “She looks angry at me. She doesn’t like me.” I said, ” no, she isn’t. She is just sitting ther.” (but she was looking at him ratehr intently). Long story short- he was convinced she recognized him as the boy who accidently killed a cat when he was about 13. He didn’t mean to and as a devote Hindu he felt terribly guilty for killing a living being and was convinced the cat world KNEW he had killed one of them. It took a lot to convince him otherwise. I think he remains unconvinced as he always asks me in emails to tell him about her, how she is and to make sure to pet her for him. But, seriously, truthfully, he might be right about animals?



  3. Summer
    November 14, 2008 11:16 am

    I just hope that it’s not like a hydra, and two pigeons weren’t spawned when you ran over the one.



  4. bucdaddy
    November 14, 2008 11:23 am

    So … if your bus driver reads the blog, he now knows who you are. I mean, if anything could possibly make more of an impression than running over Superpigeon only to have it LIFT THE BUS OFF ITSELF and fly away, it would be the jaw-droppingly gorgeous woman in the do-me boots in my front seat sharing the “No. Way.” astonishment moment with me.

    You’re playing with fire there, PG.



  5. Thee Dude
    November 14, 2008 12:12 pm

    Pigeons have a “squish factor”, kind of like babies. Have you heard about the baby that crawled into a construction zone and a bulldozer ran it over unharmed? (all, don’t try this with your baby, PLEASE!) It also had the padding of the bun, mind you. It probably squished partially up into the grooves of the tire and went **sproing** once it was clear.

    The pigeons know who Pittgirl is, they read over people’s shoulders when they are viewing her blog at Starbuck’s (soon to be a soup kitchen).

    http://carbolicsmoke.com/2008/11/13/starbucks-quits-coffee-business-will-open-soup-kitchens/



  6. BIGGEORGE
    November 14, 2008 2:41 pm

    I was driving and had a pigeon fly up off
    the road and hit my side mirror. I was
    going 40 mph at the time and my mirror was
    pushed in all the way by the force of the
    pigeon. I stopped, the piteon landed in
    the median and then took off.

    I think it has to do with the hollow bones
    or something.



  7. Mrs. Pitsberger
    November 14, 2008 3:26 pm

    Mr. Pitsberger got pooped on by a pigeon this week while waiting for his bus. He said, and I quote and keep in mind he’s never even seen this blog; “I wanted to kick another pigeon just to get back at the one who pooped on me.”

    So you have another soldier in your pigeon kicking army.



  8. PghGirlNextCity
    November 14, 2008 4:22 pm

    I recently moved to Philadelphia – YACK – and you should see the pigeons here. They follow you down the street. On foot. Its creepy.

    Speaking of creepy and sorta related, I saw a BLACK SQUIRREL the other day. It was chasing a normail squirrel. I got super evil vibes from it. Not cool at all.



  9. deegazette
    November 14, 2008 8:53 pm

    Son-of-a b*tch. Have you ever seen the movie “the birds?” Is the scariest thing on earth when all the birds in your neighborhood stop making noise at the same time?



  10. Dennis Roddy
    November 15, 2008 12:06 pm

    Fear not the black squirrels. They are a variant of the common grey squirrel and indigenous to the northern reaches of our continent. Visit Toronto and that’s the kind of squirrel you’ll see.



  11. TheJim
    November 15, 2008 12:57 pm

    @PghGirlNextCity Not to racially profile any squirrels or anything, but I also have a black squirrel that runs around my neighborhood. It’s completely freaky freaky.



  12. Jesse Behr
    November 16, 2008 3:15 am

    I love the blog. Check out mine on the Pittsburgh Pirates. GO BUCS. GO BURGH.
    http://theburghblues.mlblogs.com/



  13. jessica bern
    November 16, 2008 2:22 pm

    My favorite pigeon story. Venice Italy. My mother and I, NYers watching all these tourists putting seed on their heads and arms and standing there while these pigeons ate off them. AHHH!!!! Me and my mother? We walked through kicking our legs yelling, “shoo, get away, yuck, move” we looked ridiculous but that is a NYer for you. :)



  14. Elmer Palmer
    November 16, 2008 2:39 pm

    You are the smartest people I know. Can you exeplain this one to me: ??

    http://www.crunchgear.com/2008/11/15/crunchgear-asks-why-the-poop-shelf/



  15. Burgh Baby
    November 16, 2008 10:52 pm

    Forcing your child to dress as a pigeon for Halloween should be considered a crime punishable by a pigeon poop bath.

    Oh, and black squirrels? Totally a Kent State thing. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black_squirrel They are the meanest mo’ fos around. In college I used to literally run away from the giant jerks because they can eat your soul just be staring you down.



  16. LaReina
    November 17, 2008 9:04 am

    Many years ago I ran up the front porch stairs at home, leaping jauntily on the last step when – midair -I saw to my horror a pigeon standing exactly where my foot was about to land. What a pigeon was doing on the front porch of a fairly upscale midwestern suburb (I lived in Missouri at the time) is not clear, but there’s not doubt it was something subversive and evil. Probably casing the joint for its gang of pigeon burglars or murderers.

    Anyway, I couldn’t change direction without risking a sprain or worse, so gravity took its course and my boot-clad foot stomped squarely on the pigeon’s tail. The now tailless vermin scooted off, giving me one of those demon looks (like the one PittGirl witnessed) over its shoulder.

    Thus far the species has not retaliated, but I’m still young enough to worry.



  17. Kate
    November 17, 2008 1:16 pm

    Just made the mistake of reading this while in class and I’ve never had to try so hard to keep a laugh in. …just the bus driver’s comment. and then the baby/pigeon squish comment from Thee Dude. and his **sproing** ahhhhh I nearly died trying to hold it all in :)

    Crazy pigeon for sure who could live after being run over by a PAT bus, but dude, awesome story at the same time :)