1. This morning I was walking from my bus to my office building when a pigeon that was in the middle of the road suddenly stopped pecking whatever imaginary thing it was pecking at on the the ground, slowly looked up at me … and … I promise you I am not making this up, okay?
It did a double take.
Like it recognized me.
Stared me straight in the eyes and followed me with its head as I walked past.
Like, “Oh, shit. There’s that girl that injected botulism into Ralph’s eyeball.”
2. Last week, I was on my bus seated in the first row giving me a free view of the road ahead as we clattered noisily through town near the Cultural District.
That’s when I saw it. Directly in the bus’ wheel path stood a pigeon with its back to us, pecking hungrily at a stray hamburger bun that it probably stole from a little kid.
This pigeon was completely engrossed in eating this bun.
It doesn’t see us coming! I thought. Squeee! I might have said.
As we approached ever faster, closer and closer, I started getting a little giddy. Like a kid getting ready to go to Kennywood. I was all, “I wonder if I should put my hands up in the air when we run it over … just to make it more fun?”
When the pigeon disappeared under the front of the bus, it was like Christmas.
Then I felt a bump. Not so big that we ran over an old lady, but big enough that we crushed the spawn of Satan.
I heard angels singing.
Three seconds later, we’re still moving, I’m smoking a cigarette (wink), when THE FRICKIN’ PIGEON FLIES OUT FROM UNDER THE FRONT OF THE BUS WITH THE BUN IN ITS MOUTH!
The bus driver, stunned, looked over at me and said, “No. Way.”
I can only assume one of several things:
1. We missed it and it sat under the bus munching on the bun all, “Hmm. I should probably skedaddle. It looks like rain.”
2. We ran it over and pigeons are indestructible sons of bitches.
3. There is no God.
Are you there, God? It’s me, PittGirl.