Before we talk about the Super Bowl, can I tell you that I had a nightmare last night? I dreamed that I was fighting evil vampires (srsly) that had appeared in my bed with me and I wanted to share with you that the way to kill evil vampires is to go into your kitchen, get a dish rag, soak it in Windex and then light it on fire before you toss it in the sink. This apparently will cause the evil vampire in your bedroom to die. Now you know. Aren’t dreams the best?
Let’s move on to something more concrete and graspable, like strippers.
Yesterday was Media Day in Tampa, a day which gives the media access to our boys to ask the silly questions and take the silly pictures before the teams get down to the deadly serious business of winning the Super Bowl.
1. Now, according to the Post-Gazette, this year’s media day was a giant disappointment due to a lack of jugglers, celebrities, and naked women.
That’s right, Post-Gazette! I mean, if you’re going to take a company-paid trip to Tampa, you should at least get to see plentiful side-boobage. My God. Where are all the damn strippers?!
2. I think Skippy Skeeve knows because he had Slut Radar installed with his first big paycheck.
Did you know that Tampa is like the stripper capital of the world?
Strippers streaming into Sunshine State
TAMPA: It’s not just football fans who are descending on Tampa. Out of town strippers are heading for the Super Bowl city, too.
The Tampa-area boasts more than 40 strip clubs. One exotic dancer named Claudia says she came to Tampa from Las Vegas to work at the landmark club 2001 Odyssey this week. Claudia, who doesn’t want her last name used, says she expects to make $2,000 a day.
Tampa has an anti-lap dance ordinance on the books. But police say their first priority will be security for the big game, not patrolling the strip joints.
So in other words, Skippy, Claudia is going to give you that lap dance! Yay, you.
Also, proof Skippy Skeeve’s radar picked up on the sluts’ location? Here you go.
(h/t Burgh Baby)
3. As for lack of celebrities, I beg to differ. Pittsburgh Mayor Lukey Steelerstahl was there!
Look at that face. That is the face of a boy about to get some cotton candy. Good for you, Lukey.
4. Cabbage Patch Fatty Baby Cici Donna started out Media Day in the best of spirits, joking around with the media about his new moniker.
*Literally Eskimo for “Chocolate Killer Whale is Hungry” and hungry he was. By the end of Media Day, Casey was a zombified drooling mess.
5. There may not have been juggling but there was plenty of dancing.
Holy shit! I don’t think that’s a legal ballroom move.
Had I been a judge, I would have been all, “I was going to give you a ten until you shoved your fist up his ass. That’s poor form.”
6. Edgerrin James apparently subscribes to the Mike Seate School of Thought that states the Race Card is ALWAYS playable:
Running back Edgerrin James, on whether he likes being the underdog: “It doesn’t matter. I’m an African-American. I’m always the underdog.”
Survey saaaaaays … BZZZ. Wrong answer. No rose for you. Big whammie. The tribe has spoken … you are the weakest link. Goodbye.
Do you think he goes into the ice cream store and the clerk says, “What can I get for you?” and he goes, “Well, I’m an African-American, so I guess I’ll take some Rocky Road.”
7. The big question at Media Day was obviously the State of The Knee of Hines Ward. He was asked how his knee felt, “percentage wise.” His response.
“I’m not good at math. I feel good.”
Wow. Wow. He’s not good at math. Did the reporter phrase the question as, “Your knee is B and the Super Bowl is A, at what throttle percentage would B need to travel to get up to speed fast enough to arrive at A before the first whistle blows?”
Because THAT is the only way I can see any math at all being involved.
If you put your ear to your monitor, you can hear the gears in his head rusting together.