What They're Really Thinking: Media Day Edition

Before we talk about the Super Bowl, can I tell you that I had a nightmare last night?  I dreamed that I was fighting evil vampires (srsly) that had appeared in my bed with me and I wanted to share with you that the way to kill evil vampires is to go into your kitchen, get a dish rag, soak it in Windex and then light it on fire before you toss it in the sink.  This apparently will cause the evil vampire in your bedroom to die.  Now you know.  Aren’t dreams the best?

Let’s move on to something more concrete and graspable, like strippers.

Yesterday was Media Day in Tampa, a day which gives the media access to our boys to ask the silly questions and take the silly pictures before the teams get down to the deadly serious business of winning the Super Bowl.

1.  Now, according to the Post-Gazette, this year’s media day was a giant disappointment due to a lack of jugglers, celebrities, and naked women.

That’s right, Post-Gazette!  I mean, if you’re going to take a company-paid trip to Tampa, you should at least get to see plentiful side-boobage.  My God. Where are all the damn strippers?!

2.  I think Skippy Skeeve knows because he had Slut Radar installed with his first big paycheck.

Did you know that Tampa is like the stripper capital of the world?

Strippers streaming into Sunshine State

TAMPA: It’s not just football fans who are descending on Tampa. Out of town strippers are heading for the Super Bowl city, too.

The Tampa-area boasts more than 40 strip clubs. One exotic dancer named Claudia says she came to Tampa from Las Vegas to work at the landmark club 2001 Odyssey this week. Claudia, who doesn’t want her last name used, says she expects to make $2,000 a day.

Tampa has an anti-lap dance ordinance on the books. But police say their first priority will be security for the big game, not patrolling the strip joints.

So in other words, Skippy, Claudia is going to give you that lap dance!  Yay, you.

Also, proof Skippy Skeeve’s radar picked up on the sluts’ location?  Here you go.

(h/t Burgh Baby)

3.  As for lack of celebrities, I beg to differ.  Pittsburgh Mayor Lukey Steelerstahl was there!

Look at that face.  That is the face of a boy about to get some cotton candy.  Good for you, Lukey.

4.  Cabbage Patch Fatty Baby Cici Donna started out Media Day in the best of spirits, joking around with the media about his new moniker.

*Literally Eskimo for “Chocolate Killer Whale is Hungry” and hungry he was.  By the end of Media Day, Casey was a zombified drooling mess.

5.  There may not have been juggling but there was plenty of dancing.

Holy shit!  I don’t think that’s a legal ballroom move.

Had I been a judge, I would have been all, “I was going to give you a ten until you shoved your fist up his ass.  That’s poor form.”

6.  Edgerrin James apparently subscribes to the Mike Seate School of Thought that states the Race Card is ALWAYS playable:

Running back Edgerrin James, on whether he likes being the underdog: “It doesn’t matter. I’m an African-American. I’m always the underdog.”

Survey saaaaaays … BZZZ.  Wrong answer.  No rose for you.  Big whammie.  The tribe has spoken … you are the weakest link.  Goodbye.

Do you think he goes into the ice cream store and the clerk says, “What can I get for you?” and he goes, “Well, I’m an African-American, so I guess I’ll take some Rocky Road.”

7.  The big question at Media Day was obviously the State of The Knee of Hines Ward.  He was asked how his knee felt, “percentage wise.”  His response.

“I’m not good at math. I feel good.”

Wow.  Wow.  He’s not good at math.  Did the reporter phrase the question as, “Your knee is B and the Super Bowl is A, at what throttle percentage would B need to travel to get up to speed fast enough to arrive at A before the first whistle blows?”

Because THAT is the only way I can see any math at all being involved.

If you put your ear to your monitor, you can hear the gears in his head rusting together.





18 Comments

  1. Burgh Baby
    January 28, 2009 11:56 am

    I kind of hate you for teasing us with moments of brilliance when I know you’re planning to say goodbye again.

    Brilliant, though.



  2. MagnusPatris
    January 28, 2009 1:40 pm

    Is it just me or does Skippy look like he’s angling for a post Super Bowl (please don’t sue me for using the SB words) acting gig? I think he’s either going for the Tampa Slut Theater Players version of “Amadeus” (he pronounces it “Ahh-maid-ee-us”) or the all skank remake of “A Year without a Santa Claus” as the Heat Miser? Here’s proof. http://tinyurl.com/akvjg4



  3. Nancy
    January 28, 2009 1:41 pm

    I am realizing more and more just how much I’ve missed you. I laughed out loud, literally, 4 times in this post alone. I hope you’ll consider maybe sticking around? A girl can dream, right? (I’m going to light up that Windex-soaked dishrag and see if maybe that’ll help…)

    (P.S. Wearing my beloved black & gold Minion shirt today, too…)



  4. red pen mama
    January 28, 2009 3:45 pm

    I literally cannot decide upon what to comment.

    Cici Donna and fluffer nutters?
    Luke Steerlerstahl?
    Or on the previous post, Benny and his camera? (I thought it was tres weird, but i really liked his glasses. and no, I am not a minion.)
    The ‘stache?

    It’s all too funny, too delicious.

    We miss you, PittGirl. Thanks for returning for Super Bowl week. Because now as I’m watching sports, I can stop thinking, “What would PittGirl say?” I can come here and find out.

    ciao,
    rpm



  5. PittsburghTom
    January 28, 2009 4:36 pm

    How was Baby Cici Donna not mentioned in this video about Steelers nicknames: http://espn.go.com/video/clip?id=3864583



  6. BobbyC
    January 28, 2009 6:49 pm

    Love it. But I agree with Burgh Baby. I don’t want to be celebrating a Steelers win, sans victory parade because Luke is still in Tampa and cry because PittGirl is leaving (again!).



  7. Stacey
    January 28, 2009 8:42 pm

    Oh PittGirl – that was hilarious. The Lukey comment – priceless… and eskimo for Chocolate Killer Whale is hungry? Brilliant.



  8. Bram R
    January 28, 2009 10:17 pm

    LOL at Cici pic. And you know, that’s what I always loved about Mario – when his back was on the fritz, he’d always give you an EXACT NUMERICAL PERCENTAGE of how he was doing. Literally, he’d say, “I said it was 70% for Tuesday’s game, I’d say right now I’m maybe up to 73.”

    Good at math. That’s how he got to own the team, Hines! Let’s break out those work books.



  9. yinzer nation
    January 28, 2009 10:38 pm

    You made up for lost time on that post. Awesome. Just when I thought I was out, you pull me back in. Welcome back!



  10. sportsFANatic
    January 28, 2009 11:58 pm

    Great stuff … very funny!!!

    I was reading comments about the oh-so-hot David Conrad on the “Ghost Whisperer” site which made me think of you, and I found this.

    Please don’t be a tease. Couldn’t you amuse us once a month with your posts? Surely you can spend the summer making fun of the Pirates!

    Of course, being a huge Pirates fan, I really hope the Pirates aren’t as douchey as some of these Steelers seem to be.



  11. Margaret
    January 29, 2009 12:27 am

    Love that you are back, although only briefly :(
    Please tell me that you have seen this! http://msn.foxsports.com/nfl/story/9147940/Steelers%27-Holmes-says-he-sold-drugs-as-youth?MSNHPHMA
    My only response is… duh!



  12. lisa
    January 29, 2009 8:39 am

    Oh, I agree with the others that reading this is bittersweet– your writing is better than ever… and yet I know it’s not going to last.

    I haven’t laughed out loud at my desk in SUCH a long time. Thanks for that, PG, you’re the best!



  13. Dave
    January 29, 2009 10:27 am

    ahhh……

    all.is.right.with.the.world.

    hail and praise to the blog gods who have made Jane’s return, even if only temporary, possible.



  14. bucdaddy
    January 29, 2009 10:48 am

    Good God almighty, I missed this. Let a fella know where you’re hanging out next time, K?

    “Did you know that Tampa is like the stripper capital of the world?”

    I thought it was St. Pete. I know, I know … “Tampa Bay,” like it’s all one place.



  15. lovesthenorthside
    January 29, 2009 1:11 pm

    good to hear from you again!



  16. Julie_Gong
    January 29, 2009 1:57 pm

    fisting is always bad form.



  17. Julie_Gong
    January 29, 2009 1:57 pm

    i’m pretty sure i didn’t think about that comment before i posted it.



  18. MountaineerHoo
    January 30, 2009 12:12 pm

    Oh, it felt good to laugh like this while staring at my computer screen! Thank you, PG!