STEELERS! Let’s get to it.
1. First, Jeff Reed is probably gay.
Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but come on, this ludicrous public carrying on with sluts every chance he gets and always with photographic evidence and now, he is actually walking around Super Bowl practice plainly carrying a picture of a half-naked model with the word “WOMEN” emblazoned across it?
Me thinks he’s trying too hard.
Like, “Look at me. I love zee women! I love zee boobies! I adore zee bajingos! See! I carry one around with me! I am such a manly man.”
Give it a rest, Skippy.
Also, here’s a picture of Skippy stretching.
Now, 98% of the women looking at that picture say to themselves, “Self, looking at this picture of Jeff Reed is making be feel very awkward and uncomfortable and I am going to look away now before I scar,” while 2% of the women are saying, “Hawt.” If you are one of those 2%, would you please come a little closer?
It’s very hard for me to slap you when you’re way over there.
2. Santonio Holmes decided to come clean with the fact that as a teenager, he sold drugs so that he could buy himself things.
In order for me to be shocked by a Santonio Holmes headline, that headline would have to include words like charity or churches or Amish or maybe Viagra.
Headlines about Santonio Holmes that don’t shock me will contain words like drugs, sex, babymama, choke and giant freshly showered penis (ding!).
3. Here’s a video of Dan Onorato and Luke Steelerstahl at today’s Cage the Cards rally in downtown Pittsburgh.
My identity mandates that I can’t say too much about how I feel about Lukey and Dan and the fact that they are going to the Super Bowl along with family members and bodyguards and doing it with campaign funds, but I CAN show you what people have been calling Lukey as of late on Twitter:
- Mayor Dickwadenstahl (From Mikey of 96.1 FM)
- Mayor Douchenstahl and Mayorsgonewildenstahl and Mayor Asshatenstahl (Erin Patricia)
- Mayor Selfishenstahl and Mayor Itsallaboutmeenstahl and Mayor Moronenstahl and Mayor Effingidiotenstahl and Mayor Cheapbastardenstahl (Burgh Baby who appears to be SUPER PISSED)
- Mayor NoParadeFreePartyTripToTheSuperBowlInStahl (Big Bob from 96.1)
- Mayor Idowhateverdanonoratotellsmetoenstahl (Magnus Patris)
- Mayor I’mgoingforthestripclubsenstahl (MarkECib)
- Mayor Flyaplaneoncampaignfundsenstahl (Tall Cathy from 96.1)
I can’t tell you if I agree with this people, but yes, I AGREE WITH THESE PEOPLE. Keep it quiet.
4. If you’re still hoping to head to the big game, you know I’m going to send you to the trusty www.ineedtwo.com to tell Dom that PittGirl sent you. Be sure to check out the seats located in the “Super Sexy VIP Section”. Seats that actually come with adult film stars. Awesome.
Also, Dom gave me some Dos and Don’ts for buying tickets:
- Try to have your tickets ordered by Thursday, unless you are praying for rock bottom prices on Sunday. Everyone is trying to time the market right now. Prices declined over the weekend, but as Steelers Nation rolls into Tampa, there could be an increase sometime between Thursday and Saturday. Maybe not, though.
- Check out the Official AFC & NFC hotels. The Steelers are staying at the Intercontinental Tampa, and the Cardinals will be at the Grand Hyatt Tampa Bay. Many current NFL players, alumni, employees, and fans will be staying at these hotels as well. Thousands of seats will be funneled through these two sites. Due to the high price of the tickets, you will not see anyone holding a fist of tickets over their head, yelling “Anyone looking for tickets?” or “Who needs two?”. You will be able to tell who is selling though, and they will be cheaper than “up the street”.
- The Super Bowl is notorious for bringing in low lifes from all all over. Avoid buying or selling your tickets on the street. You don’t want to end up like this guy.
- Saturday night is when the fake tickets come out. Fans come out of the bars, and run into sellers that all of a sudden have tickets at face value. Avoid the temptation. If it sounds too good to be true, check with other sellers, and see where the market is.
5. URGENT! Currently breaking news on the Trib’s site:
Oh. Dear. God. No! Stretching!? He was STRETCHING HIS BACK?!
What next? Locusts?
I need to check, but I’m pretty sure that somewhere in the Book of Revelations it states, “And you will know the end times are near when you see Ben Roethlisberger STRETCHING HIS DAMN BACK.”
This is me, kissing my ass goodbye. Mwah. Goodbye, ass.