What They're Really Thinking: Super Bowl XLIII Edition

Do you guys know how crazy people will do that thing where they sit on the floor and kind of hug themselves about the waist and rock themselves back and forth, back and forth, faster and faster, lips moving rapidly in an incoherent mumble, humming at turns, rocking harder, occasionally putting their hands over their ears as if trying to shut out a rapidly crumbling world?

Yeah, how many of you were like that during the fourth quarter yesterday?  I thought so.

Who knew it was so comforting?  Next time my boss walks in my office all, “Hey, here’s a major project and I need it ten minutes ago,” I will know exactly how to deal.

Here are some things you would have heard had you been at my sister Pens Fan’s house yesterday:

  • I am so nervous I could just puke.
  • Whoa, Faith Hill.  Did you mainline the Botox this morning?
  • Why is PittGirl rocking like that?
  • NOW they decide to start calling holding.
  • Hah.  Look at that lady in the Cheetos commercial getting attacked by pigeons!  Why is PittGirl rocking like that again?  Is she CRYING?!
  • This halftime show sucks.  I’d rather see Janet Jackson’s boob.
  • I’m sorry.  Did Bruce Springsteen’s crotch just eat that camera?
  • What do horses have to do with beer and why are giant beach balls in New York City going to make me want to take a cruise?
  • Wow.  Number 68 is HAWT. (This very sarcastically from Ta-Ta the Giant-Breasted Poobah)
  • We’re going to lose the SUPER BOWL?! (this from my six-year-old nephew as he was close to tears and kind of holding himself about the waist while rocking back and forth)

Let’s talk football.

1.  The fans.  The fans!  Did you see any Arizona fans?

Oh, wait.  There’s one now.

Poor guy.  Doesn’t he look lost?  And like a giant loser?

Most times, I’m proud of Steelers fans, but sometimes they embarrass the shit out of me.  Case in point:

The Terrible Bra?  WTF?  The Terrible Towel is sacred and we do not merely place the world Terrible in front of something and say it represents our devotion to the Steelers.  Especially not something like a bra.  What’s next?  The Terrible Tampon?

Also, somewhere in the world, Skippy Skeeve is looking at that picture and noticing that the tassels are a-twirling and is saying, “Hawt!”

2.  During the game, my virtual friend @CarmanAvenue texted me, “Why don’t the Steelers have cheerleaders?” to which I responded, “Why don’t fish walk?  Because that’s what God intended.”

Speaking of cheerleaders:

She clearly wants to get it on with that bird.  Something about the size of a bird’s beak being proportionate to … well, you figure it out.

3.  Speaking of fans, Lukey Steelerstahl and Dan Onorato were on hand using campaign funds to promote Pittsburgh to the world.

I’m so proud.

4.  Speaking of suck … weren’t we just discussing suck?  I did not enjoy Bruce Springsteen’s half-time show except for that part where he did that thing.  You know?  That thing?

That part was awesome.

5.  In the Trib, I predicted the game would be won 20-13 and that it would be won due to a turnover/gadget play or something unexpected.  When I was interviewed, I really wanted to use the word “miraculous” instead of “unexpected” and now that James Harrison has run for a 100-yard touchdown, I wish I had.

When he landed in the end zone, after running through Cardinals and Cardinals and refs and Kurt Warner and fire and Cardinals and the very demons of hell, that’s when I said, “Okay, that is proof right there.  God is a Steelers fan.”

Usually, when defensive players intercept and run the football for a great distance, they peter out after about 40 yards, at which point their giant legs become dead weight and they become sitting ducks for the pursuing thinner, faster players.  That didn’t happen this time.

Because of God, Jesus, Troysus, and possibly the President of the United States of America.

And I’ll take some credit too, because I was screaming “RUN!” loud enough that the force of my breath in Pittsburgh probably put some wind at his back in Tampa.

6.  Benny.  BENNY!

You didn’t suck!

And that thing you said at the trophy podium?  “Hey, offensive line, who’s laughing now?”

Adorable.  Today, I love you.

Tomorrow, I can’t promise you anything.

Also:

Clearly, that needs a Separated at birth? caption.  As does this:

7.  There was a debate as to if Troysus was a factor in yesterday’s outcome.  Some of us were all, “I can’t even be sure he was playing for the Steelers today” while others were all, “Troysus was doing exactly what he was told to do — stay between Kurt Warner and Larry Fitzgerald!”

I don’t know.  But I do know his baby is cuter than a puppy hugging a kitten who is hugging a hamster who is eating a carrot all “nom nom nom.”

8.  Hines wasn’t a huge factor after that first big catch he had, unless I missed something great he did while I was rocking and muttering and humming.

His sense of style did take quite a beating when he saw how fugly the Super Bowl hats were.

9.  The best for last.  Santonio Asshat Holmes, Super Bowl MVP.

And deservedly so.  I realize many feel Benny should have had it, but the fact of the matter is that it was pure heroics on Santonio’s part to not only catch the ball but to also keep his toes inside the lines.

There was a good portion of the fourth quarter, probably starting with the touchback, that I began to fear we were going to lose.   Benny seemed desperate trying to get out of the endzone, trying any play he could think of:

Then Larry Fitzgerald scored that touchdown.

That’s when the kids in the room started crying.  No lie.

That’s when it got quiet in the room and you could actually hear the rocking of the bodies.  (Also, because I am an expert lip reader, when Larry got to the sidelines after that play, one of his coaches was saying to him, “Your mom is up in heaven with God looking down … ”  Something like that.  Swear to God.)

That’s when Pens Fan lost her shit and started shouting at the lone Cards fan in the room, telling him he was uninvited to any future Super Bowl parties and that he could either zip it or take himself, his clapping, and his hooting and go in the other room.

It was as awesome as it sounds.  She’s very pregnant, so she’s allowed to yell at people like that.

Then Benny found Santonio.

He made us forget his drunken arrest, his choking of his babymama, his giant freshly showered penis (ding!), his smoking weed in his car, and he allowed us to focus on a catch so beautiful that I’d buy him some weed right now if he asked me to.

I’m not the only one.

10.  And just like that, we’re winners.  They’re not.  You can stop rocking now.

It was a great game.  One I’ll never forget.

Now that we all rest comfortably in the knowledge that we won, we can say we wouldn’t have had it any other way than that nail-biting, rocking ourselves calm way it happened.

It’s a good day when you wake up with a happy hangover and a voice hoarse from screaming and a football team with six Lombardi trophies and a city that is going to throng the streets of the Burgh tomorrow.

I’ll be there.

Now, I must say goodbye to you guys again.  But don’t worry.  We’re like those soap opera supercouples that break up and get back together over and over again.  Like Sonny and Carly.  Like Luke and Laura.  Like Bo and Hope.  Like Beth and Lujack.  Like Blair and Todd.  Like Josh and Reva.  Like Patch and Kayla.  Frisco and Felicia.  Eden and Cruz.  We will find our way back to each other again.

Thanks to Woy for asking me to guest-post and thanks to you for finding me and for reading!

Here’s a little parting gift:

Also, if my departure is just too much for you to bear … well, start rocking.





75 Comments


  1. Bucsgirl66
    February 3, 2009 12:27 pm

    Great game! Great pictures! Only one thing… the “Cardinal” fan in picture #1 is actually a Buccaneer fan wearing #24, Carnell Williams’ jersey. Probably a confused Buccaneer fan!



  2. PittsburghTom
    February 3, 2009 12:32 pm

    Bucsgirl, I saw a couple Buccaneers jerseys worn at the game, including an old creamsicle orange one. Also saw a couple redskins Jerseys, a Giants jersey and a Bears jersey, which I can’t explain.

    There was also a Rams jersey, but it was a Kurt Warner one, so that would be acceptable.



  3. Z
    February 3, 2009 1:12 pm

    PittGirl…I miss you. My winter break of sunshine has drawn to a close. Somehow I am blaming that rat in Punxsytawny for this. Come back soon!



  4. MissTheBurgh
    February 3, 2009 1:45 pm

    Clearly you know how to leave on a high note! Great stuff as always.

    Any chance you’ll consider a “What They’re Really Thinking: Victory Parade Edition.” Skippy Skeve looking for sluts in the crowd, Benny’s hat…think of the possibilities :-)



  5. MissTheBurgh
    February 3, 2009 1:48 pm

    Oh, and thanks for helping my husband to understand that my behavior during the 4th quarter was completely normal!



  6. red pen mama
    February 3, 2009 2:11 pm

    I swear even though the bar/restaurant we were watching the game in was grateful for our business on Super Bowl night, they had to be thinking of throwing me out. I kept jumping up from our booth to cheer/yell/otherwise act crazy. Fortunately the 20 other people were all watching the game too, and I wasn’t really disturbing anyone.

    That last picture and caption: priceless. This is why Pittsburgh and the Steelers need you, Pitt Girl.

    Keep us posted to your return.

    ciao,
    rpm



  7. Feisty Bourbon Girl
    February 3, 2009 3:46 pm

    Okay, I’ll be showing my age here, but forget Beth and Lujack. What about Beth and PHILLIP? Amanda and Ben? Come back Pitt Girl. We miss you…



  8. KKinLA
    February 3, 2009 9:11 pm

    Oh PittGirl, I miss you.

    That being said, your description of rocking and silence made me chuckle. At our party, I began to get silent. Husband knows that my silence indicates extreme stress and that I’m entertaining thoughts that we’re going to lose. When I leave the room – EXTREME stress. (When LF made the touchdown, I made a bee-line for the kitchen). At 3 minutes to go, I began folding the Terrible Towels in preparation for putting them away for another season. That’s when my dear husband had had enough. He BELLOWED, “nobody puts away the Terrible Towel until the game is over!! Snap out of it!” To that end, I rejoined the party, and saw the best Steeler drive of my life! What a freaking game! Thanks to him for keeping the faith!



  9. May
    February 3, 2009 9:22 pm

    When I’ve come to accept you’re gone … you come back and do something awesome like this! I don’t care who you are IRL … you just rock! For every person out there that doesn’t like what you say there has to be so many *minions* that just love it! We need you PITTgirl … excuse me Jane Pitt. Keep on blogging! {Even if you are pirating Mike’s blog!}



  10. Invisi-Gal
    February 4, 2009 8:54 am

    Yeah, Go Steelers, amazing…however, this doesn’t read like PIttGirl, I’m sorry you just don’t sound like yourself…something isn’t right here…



  11. Kim Kay
    February 4, 2009 1:56 pm

    It was one heck of a game. I was actually pacing and my stomach was in my throat. It is sooooo great to have you back even if its just for a visit. Please continue to guest-post. Its just not the same without you. Have tried many blogs but none can compare to yours. Miss you!



  12. Granfalloon
    February 5, 2009 10:24 am

    Dude I Just found your blog from a friend who lives in Arizona!!
    THis is Hilarious!
    I love it!
    I am now addicited to your site.
    Congratulations!



  13. Chelle
    February 5, 2009 2:01 pm

    Great pictures, definitely made me laugh! It was a nail biter for sure, but we won! We had our parade!

    And now…back to that sad reality that football season is over…Sunday will seem so empty.



  14. Z
    February 5, 2009 3:00 pm

    Great to see you back if only for a short time. Try to convince Woy to let you guest blog about once a month. Sort of like Johnny Carson and his guest hosts.



  15. Woy
    February 5, 2009 7:49 pm

    Z – Lord knows if it were possible I’d rename this blog Have a Good Donkey Omelet Sandwich and let her take up residence here permanently.

    Alas, it’s not meant to be.



  16. K
    February 7, 2009 3:47 pm

    “Why don’t the Steelers have cheerleaders?”

    Actually… the Steeleres were the first team in the NFL to have Cheerleaders.



  17. J
    February 7, 2009 6:18 pm

    That still doesn’t answer my question.



  18. K
    February 7, 2009 10:22 pm

    OK… how about Robert Morris College students made up some of the cheerleaders… eventually Robert Morris had their own football team by 1969. And worst of all… students seemed to be more interested in school related events and less interested in cheering for a professional team that appeared to be going nowhere. Thus… the end of the Steelerettes.



  19. Joanne
    February 9, 2009 2:35 am

    WOW! Pitt Girl, you never cease to amaze me :) Every once in awhile i check the BurgBlog to see if you came back and tho i’m a little late….I found your post on here…. Girl… You’ve been missed…I knew you’d put the game in perspective for us Burghers… Welcome back if only for a short time…You’ve been here and gone but I enjoyed reading all the posts…. Way to go!!



  20. Beatrice
    February 11, 2009 4:29 pm

    I never deleted your blog from my shortcut menu. Clicked on it today just to check. Well that was a delightful surprise. Can’t wait for the next reunion!



  21. Angie
    February 21, 2009 11:55 pm

    *sigh* And THIS was why I had a fluffernutter before the game on that fateful day. We love you Jane Pitt / Pittgirl. Thanks to our gracious blog host for giving her airtime. I’m so glad my fiance found this. I laughed so hard I cried.



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  23. Angela
    September 9, 2009 2:25 pm

    Steeler’s fans are just crazy, but in a good way. I can’t wait for the concert on Thursday…then of course the game after…woohoo! Go Steelers!!!



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