I realize I should probably sit tight for a week or two, keep silent, really put a lot of thought into “where do I go from here in order to properly ‘brand’ myself” or some other such nonsense, but the fact remains that I want to write and without the worry of losing my job on my shoulders, hell, I’m going to write. Somewhere, Lukey sits all, “EFF!”
Suck it, haters.
And boy, do I love the haters.
If I had a dime for every person that called me a hypocrite over the last four days, I would have forty cents.
If I had a dime for every radio personality that called me a “back-stabbing, hypocritical, middle-aged housewife,” I would have ten cents.
By far though, my favorite haters are the pigeon lovers. One of the unfortunate outcomes of my face hitting the national news is that the pigeon lovers have now furrowed their unplucked eyebrows of doom in my general direction, with one lawyer in New York City going so far as to tell Pittsburgh Magazine that she will be organizing a boycott of their advertisers until I am fired from the magazine because I am promoting “animal cruelty against urban wildlife” and because she finds my “hate speech reprehensible.”
Then after she unleashed her minions who in turn wrote about how sad of a human I am (“How could you hire this wacko?”) that I cannot find it in my heart to love pigeons, who are, after all, God’s creatures, I received the best hate email in the history of hate email:
Don’t you realize that people who would abuse and torture defenseless animals would do the same to any person who was also defenseless? It’s a cheap ploy to use the defenseless to gain attention for yourself. Politicians do it often – let’s go after the (pick one) homeless, drug addicts, alkies and pigeons – they’re always handy.
Are you doing that thing that I’m doing right now? Are you also singing that little Sesame Street ditty, One of these things is not like the others/One of these things just doesn’t belong?
“Homeless, drug addicts, alkies and pigeons.”
Can she not see how ludicrous that looks? That’s like you asking me, “Ginny, what are your favorite fruits?” and I respond with, “Well, I like kiwis, strawberries, THE DEVIL, and boysenberries!”
Perhaps I should cower in fear of the pigeon lovers who have made me their mortal enemy, but a note: Pigeons are partially to blame for the collapse of the bridge in Minnesota that killed 13 people.
I will not rest until I avenge their deaths.
Also, with apologies to Dave Barry, The Devil and the Boysenberries would make a GREAT band name.