Fun with hate mail.

pigeonpoison

I realize I should probably sit tight for a week or two, keep silent, really put a lot of thought into “where do I go from here in order to properly ‘brand’ myself” or some other such nonsense, but the fact remains that I want to write and without the worry of losing my job on my shoulders, hell, I’m going to write. Somewhere, Lukey sits all, “EFF!”

Suck it, haters.

And boy, do I love the haters.

If I had a dime for every person that called me a hypocrite over the last four days, I would have forty cents.

If I had a dime for every radio personality that called me a “back-stabbing, hypocritical, middle-aged housewife,” I would have ten cents.

By far though, my favorite haters are the pigeon lovers. One of the unfortunate outcomes of my face hitting the national news is that the pigeon lovers have now furrowed their unplucked eyebrows of doom in my general direction, with one lawyer in New York City going so far as to tell Pittsburgh Magazine that she will be organizing a boycott of their advertisers until I am fired from the magazine because I am promoting “animal cruelty against urban wildlife” and because she finds my “hate speech reprehensible.”

Then after she unleashed her minions who in turn wrote about how sad of a human I am (“How could you hire this wacko?”) that I cannot find it in my heart to love pigeons, who are, after all, God’s creatures, I received the best hate email in the history of hate email:

Don’t you realize that people who would abuse and torture defenseless animals would do the same to any person who was also defenseless? It’s a cheap ploy to use the defenseless to gain attention for yourself. Politicians do it often – let’s go after the (pick one) homeless, drug addicts, alkies and pigeons – they’re always handy.

Are you doing that thing that I’m doing right now? Are you also singing that little Sesame Street ditty, One of these things is not like the others/One of these things just doesn’t belong?

“Homeless, drug addicts, alkies and pigeons.”

Can she not see how ludicrous that looks? That’s like you asking me, “Ginny, what are your favorite fruits?” and I respond with, “Well, I like kiwis, strawberries, THE DEVIL, and boysenberries!”

Perhaps I should cower in fear of the pigeon lovers who have made me their mortal enemy, but a note: Pigeons are partially to blame for the collapse of the bridge in Minnesota that killed 13 people.

I will not rest until I avenge their deaths.

Also, with apologies to Dave Barry, The Devil and the Boysenberries would make a GREAT band name.





114 Comments


  1. Clem
    August 25, 2009 9:45 am

    Wow, what a strange, strange series of events this morning. I was always an avid reader of burghblog, and have been so bummed since it went away, that I periodically type in the address to see if there’s anything new, only to be re-bummed when I see the familiar Calvin and Hobbes. This morning, while driving to work, I hit a pigeon. I was feeling bad about it as I walked into work, but then thought, man, I wish burghblog was still around, so that PittGirl could make me feel less bad about it. So I typed in the address again, and ouila! She’s back! So, morale of the story: if you make a wish while hitting a pigeon, your wish will come true. Or something like that.



  2. Julie
    August 25, 2009 9:54 am

    It is at this time that I would like to recommend a great piano/voice piece… “Poisoning Pigeons in the Park.” Don’t remember who the composer was, but it was the same guy who wrote the song “Masochism Tango” and “The Old Dope Peddler.”



  3. Meghan
    August 25, 2009 10:43 am

    New reader. Love your blog, have you bookmarked as part of my daily web site checks.

    I am not a fan of hurting any animal (yes I even buy cage free eggs to my husbands great dismay) but I don’t think you are trying to get people to actually hurt pigeons (gross as they are…I too squeal everytime I see one coming at me). It’s called sarcasm and humor….people need to settle down.

    Your humor on pigeons reminds me of the Seinfeld episode where George’s girlfriend is disgusted when George runs over some pigeons with his car…”The pigeons have broken their deal with the humans” he yells as only George can yell. It is a great epsiode!

    Keep up the good work. I think your blog is the most fabulous one I have come across. I will be checking back frequently.



  4. LeboJoe
    August 25, 2009 10:46 am

    Paul, PittGirl does not “blindly bash” local Democrats, but does, correctly criticize many of the decisions made by local politicians, most of whom happen to be Democrats. You sound like someone who walks into the voting booth and pulls the D lever; that way you don;t have to bother yourself with knowing who is actually running and what they stand for or against. The last time I looked PGH is still in receivership, which is not a great endorsement for your beloved Dems who have run(down) this city for decades.



  5. Amy @ Thoughts of THAT Mom
    August 25, 2009 2:16 pm

    Ahh…people, smeople. Seriously. When did it matter what happened to the people? It’s the animals that matter.

    I’m KIDDING!

    Seriously, though, to equate you with someone who abuses HUMANS?!?! That’s a bit of a stretch.



  6. Julie in NYC
    August 25, 2009 4:25 pm

    Just for the record, more people in NYC hate pigeons than love them! Me included. That lawyer seems like she has a screw or two loose…



  7. Julie in NYC
    August 25, 2009 4:26 pm

    P.S. Going outside to kick a few pigeons now.



  8. Christa
    August 25, 2009 5:18 pm

    I am an animal lover. And I don’t care about the pigeons. There are too many of the disease carriers around. We thin deer herds when that happens. So I see nothing wrong with thinning the flock. Doing it with humor makes it a little easier.



  9. Trish
    August 25, 2009 6:39 pm

    My plan of attack:

    1. Find PETA office.
    2. Boot pigeons like I’m Skippy in the Super Bowl.
    3. Eat a burger while booting said pigeons.
    4. Yell IN REVENGE FOR YOUR TREATMENT OF THE ARTIST FORMERLY KNOWN AS PITT GIRL.

    Good thing my credit cards are paid off, I’ll need to make bail.



  10. Douglas L. Barber
    August 25, 2009 7:19 pm

    I have just gotten up to speed on what’s happened to PittGirl during the past 2 days.

    Why on earth she was not entitled to freely express her personal opinions while employed remains a mystery to me.

    This seems like a new crime, which can cost you your livelihood: exercising free speech while employed (FSWE for short, eh?).

    I earnestly hope this turns out for the best for Ms. Montanez – and I have a sneaking suspicion that it will.

    I first discovered PittGirl when I was trying to find out why on earth a newspaper like the Post-Gazette would tolerate having such a horrible web server.

    She was the *only* person I could find online who was addressing the issue.

    I’d say “live long and prosper” but I’m trying to do that Spock thing where you spread pinky and ring finger in one direction, index finger and political finger in the other direction, and the effort it sapping all my energy.

    So I’ll just say “Be well, Virginia!”. You have many fans.



  11. wolfgang
    August 25, 2009 10:58 pm

    Why waste your scorn and hatred on pigeons, when there are so many other worthy adversaries?

    – Credit card companies
    – Michael Vick
    – Cleveland
    – Cell phone users at the movies
    – That foul crap you have to drink the night before a colonoscopy



  12. justagirl
    August 26, 2009 7:25 am

    Pigeons are Democrats? What?



  13. kbriggy
    August 27, 2009 6:53 pm

    You guys DO know that whole “pigeons explode if they eat alka-seltzer/rice” is an urban legend, right?

    If you didn’t, you’re going to be sorely disappointed when you try it :)



  14. AmyNeedsABlog
    August 28, 2009 2:37 pm

    Is it just me or is the term “urban wildlife” a complete and utter oxymoron? Or maybe the lawyer who coined the term is just an obnoxious moron…