Monthly Archives: September 2009

Random n’at.

1.  Late late post today because I was busy getting my ass kicked by a Mexican restaurant.  The website is now live thanks to my former butler Woy who was kind enough to help me deal with widgets late into last night.  I hate widgets. Pretty sure Satan created widgets to only work properly on the Beelzebub XP operating system because for a non-tech savvy person, widgets R HARD! This is pretty much how yesterday went:

Me: Kill the widget.

Mike: Why do you want to kill the widget?

Me: Because the widget is stupid and evil and it needs to die. Kill the widget.

Mike: Let me try to fix the widget before you go ninja on the widget.

Me: I hate widgets.  Who invented widgets?

Mike: Let’s stop saying widget.

Me: Yeah, let’s call them sausages, because sausages is a fun word to say.

2.  Speaking of my former butler, Mike and I will be presenting a session at this year’s PodCamp Pittsburgh which takes place Saturday and Sunday October 10-11 at the Art Institute of Pittsburgh, home of badass dinosaur Creation Rex.

Mike and I will present our session Saturday at 3:00 p.m. called “Shutting Down Your Blog: A Case Study of The Burgh Blog.”  Mike and I will recount making the decision to kill the blog and the general madness and mayhem involved in the actual killing of the blog.  Very bloody stuff.  The conference itself is free; however, there are almost 400 people registered to attend this year so if you are able to afford it, buy the VIP ticket at $20 to help the organizers pay for the food to feed your faces.  I was told I would be “fingerhearted”, which sounds dirty, if I encouraged you to buy VIP tickets.

Other speakers:  Mikey and Big Bob from 96.1, Bill Peduto, Burgh Baby, Should I Drink That, TexBurgher and Cranberry Person (funniest twits ever) and on and on and on.

I hope to meet some of you there!

3.  John Kish, the first winner of the Steelers/Chargers www.ineedtwo.com ticket giveaway never claimed them, so the Random Number Generator picked number 888 (I KNOW!) and that belonged to Amanda Gornic who has claimed the tickets.  Tomorrow, watch the site for a new giveaway.  Not Steelers tickets, but several other great prizes.  Giant thanks to Dom at www.ineedtwo.com for providing the tickets!

4.  Swear to you, I saw this headline …

fanseight

… and I was all, “OMG!  THEY’RE COUNTING DOWN HOW MANY FANS THE PIRATES STILL HAVE?!?”

I didn’t know “fan” meant strikeout.  Learned something today.

5.  Troysus may play Sunday.  That is all.

6.  Sometimes, all it takes for me to laugh at a Craigslist post is a spelling error.

7.  Best parts of yesterday’s EWWWWWWWWWWWWW!  REUSABLE TAMPONS post comments:  The new meaning reader Bluzdude gave to “I bleed black and gold” and the commenter “Guest” who wrote, “[Your] irrational disgust towards menstruation and its products says more about your discomfort with your own body than anything else. I’m amazed you can even be around yourself while on your period.”

Well, my period is kind of like my shadow, Guest, so it’s not like I have a choice.

8.  Pittsburgh Sports and Mini Ponies reports that Billy Guerin will be photographed naked — HEY!  Come back here!  He’s not naked yet and I haven’t even told you where to look. God, ladies.  It will be for ESPN Magazine’s the Body issue which will feature nekkid athletes, one of whom is Serena Williams. I gotta tell you, seeing Serena Williams naked is a terrifying thought for me.

Oh, let me save you the trouble, you critics of mine so you don’t even have to formulate your comment: I’m uncomfortable with my body and with the idea of a woman being built like a man and that’s why I don’t want to see Serena Williams naked when if I was a better person, a more open-minded woman, a woman who was comfortable with her menstruation cycle, I would cherish the thought of seeing Serena Williams naked and I would be empowered if there were a black and gold string peeking out of her bajingo.

GASP!  I WENT THERE!





A really icky post.

Do you remember how incredulous, dumbfounded, and incredibly icked out I was when I learned that there were women who use washable, reusable menstrual pads?

And do you remember how by researching reusable menstrual pads I stumbled upon an entire other set of women who use washable, reusable, hand-crocheted TAMPONS?

I know what you’re thinking right now.  You’re thinking, man, I wish I could make me some hand-crocheted tampons because that doesn’t sound like it would be ouchy or itchy at all to shove up my bajingo, take it out, throw the cotton away, toss the tampon in the washing machine with the kitchen towels, insert more cotton, and then shove that freshly washed hand crocheted tampon right back up my bajingo. (This might be late notice, but boys, you might want to not read this post.)

You’re in luck, because two local ladies/Awesome Burghers, one of whom is a former fierce roller derby chick named Fonda Bruises and the other is her friend Jill, have filmed a video at their most recent Ford City Stitch ‘n Bitch, in my honor no less, that teaches you how to quickly, and boy do I mean QUICKLY, hand crochet your own reusable tampons, IN TWO SIZES!

YouTube Preview Image

Notes:

1. They did that so fast! I bet if they were in a bind, say in a restaurant and they realized that their Aunt Flo just arrived unexpectedly as they sat there, they could whip out some yarn, crochet a quick tube, grab their dinner napkin, shove it in the tube, and then excuse themselves to the restroom. Voila!

2.  Good ole Rhonda, giving her Super Tampon for Super Flow Days a “rounded, more comfortable tip.”   I don’t know how they did this with a straight face.  I applaud their poker faces!

3.  I want you to know that I could be down to my last cent, and I promise you that I will sit on a downtown sidewalk with a sign that says “Spare some change so I can buy tampons” before I will ever use one of these toxic-shock inducing death tubes.

4.  Red yarn seems like a good choice of color if you’re going to make yourself a reusable, crocheted tampon.

5.  Gotta love the black and gold.  Can’t you just hear a tree hugger getting ready to head out for some tailgating, then saying, “Oh, crap. Hang on a sec.  I gotta put in my lucky Steelers tampon.”

Somewhere, Jeff Reed sits reading this all, “HAWT!”





What They’re Really Thinking: IS IT TIME TO PANIC NOW?! Edition.

WINNER WINNER CHICKEN DINNER!  The winner of the Steelers/Chargers tickets is John Kish.  John, I sent you an email!  You have 24 hours to respond or I will have Random.org pick another number.

HEY HEY HEY!  Stop smacking your monitor like that.  It’s an image, not a REAL panic button.

Burghers, we have lost two games in a row. I don’t mean to get all almanacky on you, but when is the last time the Steelers lost two games in a row? It feels like 75 years ago, so I’m going to assume I’m right and say SEVENTY-FIVE YEARS AGO!

And to lose in the fashion we did with a complete and epic breakdown in all systems.  Dropped touchdown passes, incomplete coverage, interception, missed field goal, general suckage.

Do you realize that yesterday the Steelers and the Penguins lost and the Putrid Buccos of Stinky Suckitude won? This is Armageddon.

Let’s talk football suck:

1.  First, I think I know how to explain the fourth quarter collapse after having dominated the Bengals for not just the entire game, but for the entire last DECADE.  That explanation is this, juju:

Look at Hines! He’s clearly in a voodoo trance.

Only possible explanation.

2.  Then Carson Palmer put the Fluffernutter Hex on Casey Hampton, resulting in the collapse of the defense.

One thing I have learned in the last two games? OMG do we need Troysus. We need him praying and playing and destroying kneecaps like the God-fearing merciless football monster he is.

3.  Poor Mike Tomlin did everything he could to break the spells, even going so far as to try to I-Dream-of-Jeannie the spells away with a cross-armed blinking head nod type deal, but it didn’t work.

Next time, he should try that on himself and his own coaching staff so that instead of deciding to go for it on a fourth and five, they punt the ball like a group of smart, un-hexed, non-jujified coaches.

4.  Limas Sweed dropped a sure touchdown pass in the end zone and therefore must die. What? I’M PANICKING HERE!

5.  Jeff Reed missed a fifty-yard field goal that would have made a difference in the game outcome, and therefore he must die as well.  You know, I blame myself. The day after my magazine column hits referring to his “incredibly accurate monster thighs” he becomes incredibly inaccurate.

Missing three field goals in two games is not how one convinces their coach that they are worth more money than previously offered.  Missing three field goals in two games means you must die.

I’m starting to believe that maybe the opposing coaches are bribing Skippy to miss field goals.

(h/t Erik B.)

He keeps this up, Skippy may never get another reward slut from the Steelers again.

Also, my punishment for benching Jeff Reed this week is that my replacement kicker earned me one whole point for Skippy’s Sluts.

6.  The offensive line turned into sleepy LOLcats in the second half, effectively shutting down any running game momentum Willie Parker had finally gained:

7.  Poor Benny, stellar performance what with a quarterback sneak touchdown, yet he has a loss to show for it.  Don’t cry for him, Pittsburgh, he has lots of people to comfort him and gently wipe his tears away.

If you put your ear to your monitor, you can hear the love theme from Ice Castles playing in the background.

We forgot … about … [sob] … the flowers.

More like they forgot about what Steelers Football means. It means you play for a full sixty minutes.  You don’t nap-out at 48 minutes and change.

Hopefully they remember what it means by next week, because if we lose come Sunday, I will start burning sluts in effigy while lighting couches on fire.

Somewhere in Oakland, 3,000 Pitt students just said, “YES! RIOT!”

Because it’s not like they need a reason.





Dumpsters, tear gas, shit

Now that the G-20 is wrapped up with a pretty bow and shipped away, and now that the garbage cans have returned to the city sidewalks, which of course Lukey was going to protect his garbage cans, he paid a QUARTER OF A MILLION DOLLARS for those puppies, just a few final thoughts:

1.  A bartender at a local eatery told my husband that a group of anarchists were in there having a meal, bragging about the “destruction” they rained down on Pittsburgh, etc. and after their meal was over the little whippersnappers paid with a bank card. No Banks! No Borders!

2.  Nicky Sarkozy never called me for a drink. (I’ve been informed via twitter that both sadcakes and sad panda are outdated and I’m lame if I continue to use them, so for now I’ll say … poopers!)  Poopers.

3.  In hindsight, on the whole, I thought the G-20 was handled exceptionally well and I thought Pittsburgh, the city not the people because we the people were in hiding, looked beautiful for the event.  I’m thrilled that no businesses went down in flames, that no police were injured (that I know of), and that police/civilian relations were for the most part uneventful.  I imagine this successful G-20 will reflect well on Lukey and Danny Boy come election time.

4.  Reader Dan Meyers has some of the best-edited G-20 protest videos I’ve seen, so be sure to check out the odd, adorable, and humorous characters he got on video.  Also, he clearly has an eye for a pretty face because there are some major cutie-pie protesters in that video.

5.  Reader Sean Colombo did his thing with his camera and came away with an excellent dumpster-rolling picture and a few shots of a local woman providing ice water for the police (his site seems to be down for the moment. Try again soon).

6.  I’m horrible for having not linked you over there yet, but one of the best outcomes of the G-20 being held in Pittsburgh was the fodder it provided to the Angry Drunk Bureaucrat to be hilariously awesome.  Go read what he wrote over the past two weeks.  You’ll pee your pants, I promise you.

7.  You agree with me, don’t you, that the physical damage to Pittsburgh’s store fronts was not horribly bad, right? Check out how one anarchist described the “destruction” on one of their forums:

The Insurrectionary forces of orgiastic violence showed great discipline in their four rounds of ultra-violence through pittsburgh violence today. 1st round: dumpters, tear gas, shit. 2nd round: a bank. 3rd round: cops hit, flares off, multiple businesses destroyed. 4th round: a night of pure rage, mcdonalds, right aid, american apparel, recruiting station, police station, bagels, cars, windows, homophobes, cops, every single store on the path of war was made obsolete in greatness and glory, dumpsters on fire, cop windshields cracked, and on top of that, students, togas and utter madness. can’t stop the chaos.

Silly anarchists! Lies are for politicians.

Also, Insurrectionary Forces of Orgiastic Violence would make a GREAT death metal band name.

(h/t Steely McStupid)





Random n’at

1. TURTLENECK WEATHER!  Yes!

2. A facebook chat with my sister Tina Fey/Marcia who lives in Texas:

Ginny: Speaking of, I have no clue what to write for my December column. Blerg.

Marcia:  Winter.  The fact that those of us who live away would love to have a Pittsburgh winter.

Ginny: Hmm.  But I should use that for January because winter won’t really hit until late December and this column will actually go live in late November.

Marcia: Then fall.  I have two more seasons if you don’t like those.

Ginny: You’re a GIANT GIANT HELP!

Marcia: I think so.

In her defense she has an infant son with reflux and some of you moms and dads out there are going, “Sister, I have been there and it does suck.”

3.  The restaurant opening shit is kicking my ass.  Hard.  Again, Las Velas is opening on Friday for lunch and if you’re looking for me when you come for lunch or dinner, I’ll be the girl sitting in the corner twitching from exhaustion.  I may or may not have a vise-like grip on a staple gun.  If you followed me on Twitter, you would understand why.

4.  It would appear that I will be meeting the Dread Lord Zober this week. Face to face.  I bet he tries to destroy me for being critical of Lukey saying yes to the G-20. It’s okay. My ninja skills are up to date and also, I have a staple gun.

5.  The winner of the Steelers/Chargers tickets will be announced in today’s What They’re Really Thinking post around 3:00 p.m.  Cross your fingers that the Random Number Generator smiles on your comment today.

6.  Here’s a local 16-year-old who just went on his first solo flight and as a former pilot wannabe I am incredibly jealous and as a current mom I am all, “YOU’RE GOING TO PUT YOUR EYE OUT!”

7.  Did you guys see this young organist?  He’s like a church lady, Liberace, and Beethoven all rolled into one.  Here’s a youtube video of him doing his impressive thing.

YouTube Preview Image

I cannot express to you how much I want to power-staple his butt to his bench. What?!  I’m being HELPFUL!