Bah-nanas.

When I revealed myself a few weeks back, one of the criticisms lobbed at me basically went like this, “This dumb 35-year-old mother of two doesn’t have anything better to do than pick on twenty-somethings because they find Ben Roethlisberger attractive?  I pity her.  I pity her whole ENTIRE LIFE!”

So I looked at myself one day and I said, My Self, is this what you should be doing? Making fun of people that find Ben Roethlisberger attractive?

And My Self looked back at me and said, “HELL YES!”

Sorry, Fug Bunnies.  A girl’s gotta write what a girl’s gotta write and I gotta write about this story in the Wall Street Journal that reader Brenna brought to my attention.  It goes something like this:

Symmetry of facial features is what makes individuals attractive to us.  So for instance, Troy Polamalu’s face is probably 600% symmetrical and Lady Elaine Frickin’ Demon Fairchilde’s face is probably like negative one million percent symmetrical. (Dear Hot Math Teacher, call me.)

According to the WSJ, NFL quarterbacks have greater facial symmetry than the average public who come in at about 90% symmetrical.

Topping the NFL list of symmetry is Matt Ryan, which whatever.  He’s meh.

But in the top ten, above Tom Brady, the number 6th most symmetrical and therefore scientifically attractive quarterback in the NFL is none other than his royal highness the Duke of Fug and the Earl of Gross himself, Mr. Benjamin Roethlisberger.

[thud]

SYMMETRICAL?  ATTRACTIVE?  I am so confused.

I mean, I hate Tom Brady because he’s the Devil, but even I can see what’s what here:

bentom

Science, SCIENCE OF ALL PEOPLE, is telling us that Ben is more attractive than Tom.

To MONKEYS, maybe.

And even then, if you showed that picture of Benny to a bunch of lady monkeys, half of the monkeys would say, “NOT FOR ALL THE BANANAS IN THE WORLD.”





87 Comments


  1. H
    September 2, 2009 5:25 pm

    I LOVE Ben and would absolutely look twice at him if he was some regular Joe. I would actually prefer that, because then stupid baggae that comes with him being a pro football player wouldn’t be there. Ben is a real man, very tall, broad shoulders, rugged looking. That’s the type for me! I’m not into dating guys who look like they would steal my hair gel. I really think that Brady married a super model so that he would no longer have to pay for beauty products.



  2. amber
    September 2, 2009 5:43 pm

    i flat out refuse to live in a world where anyone finds big ben more attractive than tom brady.

    i’m going to kill myself…



  3. JenOH
    September 2, 2009 6:46 pm

    Ben Roethlisdouche is one of the ugliest professional athletes ever so clearly this “research” was done while wearing some seriously strong beer goggles.

    He looked okay, not good, but not eye-gouging ugly either, after he smashed his face off that car and the doctors did surgery on his face. However, now every picture shows him to be fat and dirty/greasy. And he never did have any muscles in his arms.

    No way on earth is Roethlisdouche more attractive than Philip Rivers (my favorite), Brady Quinn (great arms), Kurt Warner, or even Tom Brady whom I don’t like, but can admit is attractive.



  4. Mia`
    September 2, 2009 8:13 pm

    All that study proved is that beauty is in the eye of the beholder….and personally i haven’t beholden enough alcohol for that to be beauty.



  5. This is why....
    September 2, 2009 8:16 pm

    …you women need to stay in the kitchen.



  6. Still A. Fan
    September 2, 2009 8:29 pm

    chrys,

    please tell me you also watch lawrence welk and find it entertaining….

    payton manning is funny? i have never even smirked at one of his commercials. he’s jay leno. my tastes are more david letterman or jimmy kimmel. he’s the kind of 30 year old that would fit right in playing bingo in the poconos with the old ladies and actually having a good time doing it. did you see him at the giant’s super bowl in the box? did you see what he was wearing? hey tenniele, i found the captain. funny? really? wow.



  7. CriticExtraordinaire
    September 2, 2009 8:51 pm

    The Duke of Fug indeed.

    Ben hardly ever shaves and his is not one of those cool-looking five o’clock shadows. It is the “dishevelled look”.

    When he held that press release after the rape lawsuit was filed, he donned a suit that looked like it was pulled from the hamper, hair was uncombed and greasy. Face unshaven and greasy. Definitely a hot mess.

    Come on Duke, let’s get some personal maintenance goin’ on.



  8. Still A. Fan
    September 2, 2009 9:20 pm

    ok, i’m like….all about the chicks….but if I have to be fair to my homeboy, could a better picture have been used? his minions didn’t start being minions after THAT picture was taken…lol. Ginny, I have an idea for a follow-up article:

    Have a “redo” comparison with the best picture you can find of Benny and the worst picture you can find of fancy pants. people this is pittsburgh we’re talking about. he SHOULD look like a roofer!



  9. CFluck
    September 2, 2009 9:32 pm

    Ben is symmetrical in a Barney Rubble sort of way, of course Brady’s forehead is way too big, scary big, in a alien sort of way.



  10. Vdubbs
    September 2, 2009 9:54 pm

    So after I picked myself up from the floor in shock that Benny was rated higher than Brady, I had to share this tidbit. My 22-year-old daughter (a huge Ben and Steeler fan, but not a fug bunny) and I were in Pittsburgh last weekend for the Steelers/Gatorade 5k and went to Seviche Saturday night for dinner. The manager was a hottie, and looked a lot like Ben did a few years ago. When I said something to my daughter about the manager being “Ben-like” all she said was “Yeah, but this dude is waaay hotter.” Hmmmm, maybe the bloom is off the rose.



  11. Vivian formerly NYLuvs Pitts
    September 2, 2009 10:17 pm

    I don’t know. It’s late. Let me sleep on it.



  12. Clementine
    September 2, 2009 10:33 pm

    Pseudo-scientific baloney, I say.

    My hotness radar never lies. Hot Math Teacher wins. The End.



  13. justagirl
    September 2, 2009 10:35 pm

    Actually, the symmetry thing has been known for a long time. I’ve seen articles talking about how symmetric the faces of various models are. It doesn’t, however, mean that people will overlook other aspects in assessing looks, such as weight. I’d also imagine that your symmetry changes as you age, add or remove weight, smash your face into various objects, etc.

    I think calling Ben fug is kind of harsh, honestly. Not everyone can be Mike Tomlin, and it’s not like he chose a career where the point is to use your physical looks. If people choose to elevate sports stars to some level of godhood, then that’s their issue.

    Besides, I figure Ben’s probably got enough problems with his sucky personality. We don’t really need to pick on his looks.



  14. chrys
    September 2, 2009 10:51 pm

    Still A. Fan:

    Awww.. I used to watch Lawrence Welk with my Pap-pap as a child. Thanks for the memory. ;)

    As for Peyton, I’m sorry, he’s just adorable. He doesn’t come off as an asshole. Tom Brady is a douche bag to the highest degree, and Benny, well, he is not hot and has 0 personality. Yep, I’ve met him and was not impressed. Peyton is a goofball, but an adorable one. Did you see when he hosted SNL?(I know.. not a great example as SNL does suck) I thought he was cute. Maybe not a comedian, but it’s like he knows he isn’t funny, but he just wants you to laugh at him with him. There is something so unassuming about him. And his little brother Eli is a cutie too. lol!

    I noticed I wasn’t the only girl here who feels the same. :) Peyton is a cutie.. he makes Ben look like Steely McBeam. ;) It is what it is, Still a Fan.. LOL!

    And for the record, I am a very young 38. ;)



  15. dkalinosky
    September 3, 2009 12:53 am

    Actually, you are giving Ben some credit with that picture. His face is so fat as of late, he kind of looks like fat steeler girl.



  16. bucdaddy
    September 3, 2009 1:41 am

    “Dammit, Benny, I told you to hump those shingles up that ladder a half hour ago. If I catch you smokin’ doobie behind the heat pump one more time …”



  17. Trish
    September 3, 2009 6:04 am

    Ben has beautiful eyes (YES I SAID BEAUTIFUL) and a nice smile. Strangely enough he looked very good after the accident–I saw some pictures of him when he was filming the Povertyneck Hillibillies video and he was wearing an open vest and sporting very definite pecs and abs. However, these days he’s got a severe case of vodkabloat going on and needs to find a hairstyle that doesn’t look like he just rolled out of the gutter.



  18. Cissy
    September 3, 2009 9:18 am

    Me, I am the oddball. I don’t find ANY of them all that hot. Not Ben, not Brady, not Ryan…none of em. But sheesh, with this “study” the egos will certainly be inflated on the field I bet! not to mention off the field….



  19. Rondo
    September 3, 2009 11:15 am

    No, Ben’s no looker, that’s for sure.

    Still, he’s got a couple things going for him.

    At least he doesn’t sit around talking about people’s looks online in a big ol’ internet sewing circle.

    Oh, and at least he didn’t craft a fictional unmarried/childless online persona just to create a big ol’ internet sewing circle.

    There are, of course, more than two possible responses to the guy. We don’t have to choose between either the “throw yourself at the plain-looking rich guy” tarts or the “make fun of the fug guy” sourpusses. The third option is to keep the guy in perspective as a human being who makes some dumb decisions on and off the field, has a lot of people throwing themselves at him (which he doesn’t deserve, regardless of how he looks) and could use something other than pure devotion or contempt.



  20. Norf Side Betty
    September 3, 2009 12:39 pm

    Rondo, nobody is doubting that Ben has his fair share of “issues” that come along with being a super rich dude in a town full of cling-on bunnies, we’re just commenting on the absurdity of his attractiveness related to other super rich dudes in other markets. Please try to see the humor.
    Ben’s main issue is maintenance. He needs a good haircut, a decent beard trimmer (if he’s to keep going with the 5 o’clock look) and a stylist so he stops dressing so frumpy. You can be a big guy and dress well (with or without hair gel). And he certainly has the bucks to look into that.
    Brady has all that and a supermodel wife to check his p’s & q’s of maintenance. I’m sure she oversees his hair, clothing and manscaping needs.
    Peyton? A-freakin-dorable in a smashed-in-the-nose self depricating kind of way. His hosting duties on SNL were superb. Personality galore!
    Bubby Brister…oh how I waited for the day I could run into him somewhere and accidentally lick him. He was yummy :o)



  21. mis
    September 3, 2009 12:41 pm

    Just got the new issue of SI today and Benny’s big mug in on the front. My question is “What symmetry?” Seems to me that some people must have failed algebra.



  22. joe
    September 3, 2009 1:00 pm

    How he ever hooked up with Natalie Gulbis is just beyond the pale of any rational explanation. She would have been better off diddling Lee Trevino. At least maybe she’d have walked away with some useful tips on how to actually hit long-irons.



  23. unsatisfied
    September 3, 2009 1:16 pm

    he IS looking puffy these days, isn’t he?



  24. efw_west
    September 3, 2009 1:40 pm

    Brady comes home every night to a Brazilian super-model. Enough said.



  25. Capt. Dummy
    September 3, 2009 1:45 pm

    ehhh… i can’t really say anything. when i grow my hair out i kinda look like him. esp. when i’m wearing a hat.

    you know what my favorite douchy thing about big ben is??? remember that weird accent he had pre-motorcycle accident? now it’s gone, and he sounds totally different. lol. listen to old interviews and what-not. or the old fat head commercial he’s in… you’ll see



  26. Julie
    September 3, 2009 1:47 pm

    I think ‘H’ only reads this blog to try and infiltrate it with bullshit.

    On another note, Ben is only attractive because he has money. Symmetry be damned.



  27. paperback writer
    September 3, 2009 2:56 pm

    Why didn’t you warn me? Where’s my eye bleach?!?!



  28. Summer
    September 3, 2009 4:09 pm

    God gave Benny lots of money and athletic ability as a consolation for not giving him any looks.



  29. H
    September 3, 2009 4:43 pm

    @ Julie – excuse me? So, because I don’t join in on the Ben bashing and am secure enough to admit that I do really like him (even though I know I will get flamed for it), I’m infiltrating the blog with bullshit? Really? I think you might need to get over yourself and realize that others are allowed to have opinions that are different from yours. If Ginny wants to set rules that only those who bash Ben are allowed to post here, then she can stop me from posting herself.



  30. Still A. Fan
    September 3, 2009 6:27 pm

    chrys, i have you by two years and i’m hard to beat at young at heart.

    how on Earth did I nail you as a watcher of lawrence welk? the fact that i pulled that out of my ass shows a very very deep and unexplainable understanding of pop culture trends spanning multiple generations…..or a lucky guess.



  31. Eric
    September 3, 2009 6:38 pm

    “H” is most likely a man. That explains the manlove he feels for the women abuser.



  32. H
    September 3, 2009 8:07 pm

    @ Eric – I’m female and Ben is not a woman abuser.



  33. chrys
    September 3, 2009 10:59 pm

    Still A. Fan:

    2 years on me?? LOL! How is 40? Then you must have spent your Saturday evenings like so many of my childhood friends.. Did you watch following?

    Lawrence Welk
    Solid Gold
    Love Boat
    Fantasy Island

    LOL!! We had to watch Lawrence Welk if we wanted to watch Love Boat AND Fantasy Island.

    Oh.. and to keep this on topic.. Benny and Tom Brady are both douche bags! LOL!!!!



  34. La Petite Belle
    September 4, 2009 8:12 am

    ugh. I think ben is gross.



  35. Still A Fan
    September 4, 2009 8:39 am

    I think I had to go to bed earlier than you. Hee-Haw was before Welk and went to bed after Love Boat. You failed to mention Dance Fever…lol.



  36. wolfgang
    September 7, 2009 3:01 pm

    Symmetry? I thought that was the British way of pronouncing the word for “place where they bury people.”

    Oh, wait…I guess I’m right.

    Poor Benny & Tom. I’m glad I’m not famous.



  37. westindya
    September 9, 2009 5:27 pm

    oy. vey. tom is fine. ben- not so much. + i think he fakes all his injuries