When I revealed myself a few weeks back, one of the criticisms lobbed at me basically went like this, “This dumb 35-year-old mother of two doesn’t have anything better to do than pick on twenty-somethings because they find Ben Roethlisberger attractive? I pity her. I pity her whole ENTIRE LIFE!”
So I looked at myself one day and I said, My Self, is this what you should be doing? Making fun of people that find Ben Roethlisberger attractive?
And My Self looked back at me and said, “HELL YES!”
Sorry, Fug Bunnies. A girl’s gotta write what a girl’s gotta write and I gotta write about this story in the Wall Street Journal that reader Brenna brought to my attention. It goes something like this:
Symmetry of facial features is what makes individuals attractive to us. So for instance, Troy Polamalu’s face is probably 600% symmetrical and Lady Elaine Frickin’ Demon Fairchilde’s face is probably like negative one million percent symmetrical. (Dear Hot Math Teacher, call me.)
According to the WSJ, NFL quarterbacks have greater facial symmetry than the average public who come in at about 90% symmetrical.
Topping the NFL list of symmetry is Matt Ryan, which whatever. He’s meh.
But in the top ten, above Tom Brady, the number 6th most symmetrical and therefore scientifically attractive quarterback in the NFL is none other than his royal highness the Duke of Fug and the Earl of Gross himself, Mr. Benjamin Roethlisberger.
SYMMETRICAL? ATTRACTIVE? I am so confused.
I mean, I hate Tom Brady because he’s the Devil, but even I can see what’s what here:
Science, SCIENCE OF ALL PEOPLE, is telling us that Ben is more attractive than Tom.
To MONKEYS, maybe.
And even then, if you showed that picture of Benny to a bunch of lady monkeys, half of the monkeys would say, “NOT FOR ALL THE BANANAS IN THE WORLD.”