I’m not making this up.

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As you know, my husband is hard at work getting his Market Square restaurant ready for opening.  Last week he had a repair man in the restaurant to do some miscellaneous repair that required the man to open a hatch to the glass roof of the business.

Unfortunately, Mr. Repair Man forgot to close the hatch and the pigeons, they did notice and they sent in their ninja, who while performing a dazzling display of nunchuckery, entered the hatch and laid in wait.  My husband arrived  the next morning and was ready to get to work when he heard a THWAP-THWAP-THWAP, which isn’t unusual because with a glass roof, the pigeons use every opportunity they can to remind my husband that they are there.  That they watch.  That they know.

Know what, exactly? I don’t know.  But they know.

Knowing bastards.

Then came a more urgent, louder THWAPTHWAPTHWAP and my husband looked at his employee and asked, “That sounded close, didn’t it?”

The employee’s eyes grew wide as he glanced above my husband’s head and whispered something about chinga-ing your madre. A pigeon had appeared and proceeded to do a fly-by so close to my husband’s head he could hear the soft “mwah-hahah” coming from the pigeon’s beak. Or its cloaca. Pigeons are devil-borne so I have no idea which part of their bodies emits the cackles.

The men ducked as the pigeon continued to fly about the restaurant while flipping them off with one wing and expertly whipping ninja stars at their cowering heads with the other (I’M NOT EXAGGERATING!).

With the men sufficiently terrorized and having exhausted his supply of death stars, the ninja pigeon went kamikaze and rammed himself violently and with great speed head-first into the windows that encase the restaurant.

Being indestructible, the pigeon was merely stunned and did not die.

Completely drunk from brain damage, the pigeon lifted himself up from the ground and began stumbling about the floor of the restaurant, barely able to walk, while the employees gathered around to watch the drunken dance and to wager on when exactly the pigeon would finally die. (“I got seventy pesos on ‘As soon as Ginny shows up’!”)

My husband, feeling sorry for the pigeon and obviously wanting a divorce from me, gently and lovingly [gag] scooped the pigeon up in an old shirt and carried it downstairs and out to Market Square where he placed the pigeon on the sidewalk.

The pigeon, still completely disoriented while downloading a new operating system from Satan (Beelzebub XP), stumbled out into the street where unfortunately it realized it would be undercarriage guts if it didn’t move.  The pigeon then backed up and leaned his fat, damaged, french-fry bloated body against the curb and wearily rested his head on the sidewalk to await further instructions from Satan.

My husband watched as the pigeon finished the download, rebooted himself, selected “Safe Mode”, froze up, did a hard reboot, shook his head to clear the registry and finally flew away to celebrate his great success with his knowing bastard friends.

My husband watched it go and said “Awww” and I called an attorney to cite irreconcilable differences and to see who would get the autographed Franco Harris jersey and the Keurig in the divorce.

So if you see a nunchuck-wielding pigeon hanging out in Market Square bragging about how it lured that PittGirl bitch’s husband to the dark side, you know what to do.

Avenge me. Hard.

Now, once again, with further apologies to Dave Barry, I am not making this up and The Cackling Cloacas would make a great band name.





33 Comments

  1. Pensgirl
    September 4, 2009 12:52 pm

    Now that they know who you are, they’re coming after you with everything they’ve got. You need to enroll in some pigeon Witness Protection Program type of thing.



  2. A.
    September 4, 2009 1:05 pm

    Okay…coffee just came out of my nose. Srsly.



  3. Ed
    September 4, 2009 1:06 pm

    “The Cackling Cloacas would make a great band name.”

    Until someone looked it up on Google (and clicked on tranlate this page). Yuck.



  4. Biggest Fan
    September 4, 2009 1:07 pm

    Those of us that have been fans of you for a long time, know that you couldn’t POSSIBLY have made this up.

    This post may possibly be your best work yet.

    Once again, great to have you back!



  5. Biggest Fan
    September 4, 2009 1:08 pm

    But I must ask: why isn’t the post tagged with “The Damn Pigeons”?



  6. rickh
    September 4, 2009 1:18 pm

    Karma is a bitch.

    btw I have a Keurig and Caribou K-cups.



  7. Sooska
    September 4, 2009 1:21 pm

    well since your husband behaved badly (per you) and rather chivalrously toward the menacing bird I guess we can rest assured he won’t be serving squab tostadas or anything, right?



  8. Emilie
    September 4, 2009 1:30 pm

    best post EVER…..I have tears from laughing so hard and my sides hurt!



  9. Pa-pop
    September 4, 2009 1:35 pm

    I’m from Youngstown. I know people. We’ll talk.

    BTW, paragraphs 12 and 13 (“The pigeon, still … bastard friends.”) are priceless. Frame them. I also think a new Quentin Tarantino production – “Inglorious Pigeon Basterds” with you as the bat-wielding assassin – is taking shape.



  10. fone guy stan
    September 4, 2009 1:49 pm

    Thank you. That was funny. btw, love the “woo-hoo” penguin at the top of the page.



  11. Bill From Hanover
    September 4, 2009 2:01 pm

    Go and get yourself a fake owl and place it on the roof, believe it or not, the flying rats will stay away because owls love pigeon meat. It also keeps the birds away ..

    They cost around 20-25 bucks and use some double sided tape and place it in visible location so when the flying rats come flying by, they will not land …

    Let is know how it works !! You will be amazed



  12. Jim
    September 4, 2009 2:12 pm

    It would seem that Lukey and Zober have recruited new minions. Watch your back!



  13. bucdaddy
    September 4, 2009 2:19 pm

    rickh, You have K-cups? Where do you find a bra that size?

    Also, VM, when’s that place open? Cause I’ma come up there 9/28 and I hope you’re working there cause I’ll want a hot tamale. I’ll also probably want some food.

    ;-)



  14. chrys
    September 4, 2009 2:32 pm

    Bucdaddy.. you can find K-cup sized bras.. in any maternity store. LOL!!

    Great post.. Beware of Mayor Lukey.. I do believe he is coming after you thru your hubby. :P Next thing you know, your hubby will be a Mayor Lukey and Lord Zober supporter. He’ll be helping with the re-election committee..LMAO!



  15. Aliza
    September 4, 2009 2:37 pm

    Seriously, I am reading this at work laughing out loud and my co-workers are looking at me like I have seriously lost what was left of my mind. I have mad pigeon hate too. You just made a slow boring day a bit brighter. Bravo



  16. G-Man
    September 4, 2009 2:47 pm

    “The Cackling Cloacas would make a great band name.” That’s assuming the band members are all mothers-in-law.



  17. Three
    September 4, 2009 2:49 pm

    Recently, I had a similar experience with a cicada. I could hear it chirping, thinking to myself that it sounded way too close to be outside of my window. I turned from my monitor, and that’s when I saw it perched on the top of the door to the geekatorium, staring at me like that Geico money thing.

    Unfortunately, I don’t like trespassers in the geekatorium, and he was dealt with rather harshly.

    And watch out for when the pigeons start downloading Mephistopheles 7. I hear it’s a leaner, cleaner, more stable interface.



  18. The Evil Twin
    September 4, 2009 2:56 pm

    Gin – great post. Beelzebub XP – Too freaking funny!



  19. Pica U
    September 4, 2009 3:27 pm

    For those who want to know WAY to much about cloacas (h/t Wiki). Personally, I think Cloacal Kiss (see below) would make a killer band name.

    In zoological anatomy, a cloaca is the posterior opening that serves as the only such opening for the intestinal, reproductive and urinary tracts of certain animal species. The word comes from Latin, and means sewer. All birds, reptiles, and amphibians possess this orifice, from which they excrete both urine and feces, unlike placental mammals, which possess two separate orifices for evacuation. Marsupials and monotremes also possess one. Marsupials and a few birds have a separate genital tract. By contrast, most species of placental mammals and bony fishes have a specialized opening for at least one of these tracts, instead of a cloaca. This is one of the features of marsupials and monotremes which suggest their primitivity, as the amniotes from which mammals evolved possessed a cloaca, and the earliest animals to diverge into the mammalian class would likely have had this feature too.

    In birds the cloaca is also referred to as the vent, and among falconers the word vent is also a verb meaning “to defecate”. Excretory systems with analogous purpose in certain invertebrates are also sometimes referred to as “cloacae”.

    Birds also reproduce with this organ; this is known as a cloacal kiss. Birds that mate using this method touch their cloacae for only a few seconds, sufficient enough time for sperm to be transferred from the male to the female.[1] The reproductive system must be re-engorged prior to the mating season of each species. Such regeneration usually takes about a month. Birds generally produce one batch of eggs per year, but they will produce another if the first is taken away (they have the ability to produce more). For some birds, such as some species of swans and ducks, the males do not use the cloaca for reproduction but have a phallus.

    One study has looked into birds that use their cloaca for cooling (see Urohydrosis).[2



  20. bluzdude
    September 4, 2009 3:29 pm

    A restauranteur must be careful not to be seen too close to pigeons, lest the customers start questioning the “specials.”



  21. Ant_041
    September 4, 2009 3:30 pm

    That was great. LMAO.



  22. Slidetuba
    September 4, 2009 5:33 pm

    My bus killed two satan-spawn this morning.. The bus driver is a fan..



  23. red pen mama
    September 4, 2009 9:51 pm

    Clearly, your (soon-to-be-ex) husband has been brainwashed by PETA. Or he’s been replaced by a PETA-pigeon-loving pod person.

    I’m so sorry.

    ciao,
    rpm



  24. TheJim
    September 4, 2009 10:14 pm

    This is like the first of three stories that ends in humankind being enslaved by birds. Not saying anything, just saying.



  25. Bobbo
    September 4, 2009 11:20 pm

    They’re coming to get you, Ginny.



  26. JBEN
    September 5, 2009 9:14 am

    Your hubby is a good man.
    You should relax. Switch to decaf. Be one with the pigeons.



  27. unsatisfied
    September 5, 2009 12:27 pm

    never, EVER give up the keurig….



  28. Summer
    September 7, 2009 4:05 pm

    1. I hope that you burned the pigeon-transport shirt afterwards.

    2. You should clearly be awarded both Franco and the Keurig.

    3. Can a pigeon be sued for alienation of affection?



  29. Tard
    September 9, 2009 2:38 pm

    HUSBAND?!

    But, but, but you said we were ‘a thing’!



  30. CK
    September 10, 2009 8:29 am

    favorite tv show: weeds! good stuff



  31. La Reina
    September 10, 2009 9:04 am

    While the pigeon was stunned and shaking the cobwebs from his evil little head on the sidewalk, I would have gone all Daniel Sepulveda on him and tried to punt him all the way to Liberty Ave. I’ve done it before. Just sayin.



  32. Jessica
    September 10, 2009 10:11 am

    It was brought to my attention yesterday that in Massachusetts, it is required by law to take a bath once a year. Out of sheer curiousity and just a smidgen of boredom, I googled it and got this ridiculously long list of ridiculously useless laws.

    Why am I telling you this?

    Because, one of the laws reads: “It is illegal to frighten a pigeon.” Ha. Take a look. Whether or not these are legit, you decide. http://www.basicjokes.com/djoke.php?id=2955



  33. Mikey B
    September 10, 2009 10:56 am

    One of the strangest sounds (and kinda funny) is the sound of a pigeon getting “popped’ under the wheels of a PAT bus in Market Square…no, really!