… and what about ice cubes? Are ice cubes okay?

My sister Marcia/Tina Fey’s most recent facebook status:

marciastatus

I had to check this out for myself, so while I was at Target the following day, I flipped over this $4.99 water bottle:

To find this:

Yes, please, doofus, call your doctor and say this:

Nurse: [ring ring!] “Dr.’s office.”

Doofus: “Yeah, hi, this is Mrs. Doody Doofus. I need to speak with a physician.”

Nurse: “Sure, Mrs. Doofus. What about?”

Doofus: “Well, I’m thinking about losing five pounds and I need to check with the doctor about if it is okay to use a water bottle.”

Nurse: [blink] …

Doofus: “It says here on my water bottle that I should consult my physician before I use it, so I’d like to talk to the doctor about his recommendations for me as they pertain to using this water bottle. It’s pink. I don’t know if that matters.”

Nurse: [blink] [snicker] Um, Mrs. Doofus–

Doofus: “And also, while I’m at it, I’m planning to eat a diet heavy in raw fruits and vegetables in order to lose those five pounds, so I need to talk to the doctor about that to make sure he’s okay with fruits and vegetables, most specifically, how does he, medically speaking, feel about carrots?  And finally, I’m thinking about having lots of dirty, illicit sex with multiple partners without the use of condoms. Just want to make sure the doctor thinks that’s best for me.”

Nurse: [click]

Seriously, I’m just waiting for the day when I flip over a box of pencils to find a label on the bottom that says, “Do not intentionally stab yourself in the eyeball with a sharpened pencil,” or a label on a computer mouse box that says, “This is not a live mouse.”

Then I’ll know for a fact that the pigeons really are smarter than us.





26 Comments

  1. chrys
    September 8, 2009 9:21 am

    LMAO!!!!!!! I have to agree with your sister.. we are a nation of morons. Makes you wonder.. :P

    Makes me wonder why we don’t put warning labels on forks, spoons or dishes… “Using these products excessively can cause weight gain”… :)



  2. Sooska
    September 8, 2009 9:31 am

    This clearly is a job for Lazlo Toth. He once wrote the President of the company that made Mr. Bubble bubble bath asking how he was supposed to use the bubble bath when the label said to “keep dry.”



  3. Vivian formerly NYLuvsPitts
    September 8, 2009 9:39 am

    That bottle looks similar to the one I bought from Walmart. And I use it everyday. I also have a blue one. Who knew?



  4. Pittsburgh Tom
    September 8, 2009 9:39 am

    Pigeons aren`t smarter than us. It`s just that they don`t have lawyers. Okay, maybe they are smarter than us.
    Of course. if PETA had its way, every animal would have their own lawyer.



  5. bucdaddy
    September 8, 2009 10:09 am

    *turns over box of pencils; reads label; blinks in incredulity*



  6. Old Cynic
    September 8, 2009 11:03 am

    Remember the same people who require these labels are about to take over the care and maintenance of your one and only human body.



  7. scottie
    September 8, 2009 11:06 am

    warning on bottom of USB Optical Mouse: not snake food! jk

    a few years ago while working at target i was requisitioned for overnight crew to reset some of the aisles with the new merchandise, and we were in the water bottle/camel pack/ice chest aisle, and some of the water bottles had little labels on the bottom that said “not for water storage”…ummm, ok. maybe china used lead paint inside, or rather other crazy toxic polymers. anyway, dont tell marcia this, cause she will never use a cute water bottle again.

    -scottie



  8. bluzdude
    September 8, 2009 11:44 am

    Rita Rudner once had a line about calling your doctor over medical trivialities, just because some corporate lawyer stuck a warning on a exercise apparatus package. She said she was not going to call and say,
    “Hello Doctor, this is Rita. I’m thinking of bending at the waist.”



  9. Mary
    September 8, 2009 12:31 pm

    There’s lip balm directions that read, “Apply as needed. Use only as directed.” I can only hope something was lost in the translation.



  10. RIZZO
    September 8, 2009 12:41 pm

    Oddly enough you can buy prefilled water bottles at Wal Mart that is processed by “ozonatio, advanced filtration, and reverse osmosis” and there is no warnin
    g at all.



  11. Alethea
    September 8, 2009 1:09 pm

    My husband & I have long discussed the idea of ridding the world of warning levels and considering it an evolution of sorts. I mean, we could really weed out a lot of dumb ass folks if we simply removed the sticker from the hair dryer that tells us not to put said dryer into the bathtub, esp. while bathing. This could be the answer to over-population.



  12. Belle
    September 8, 2009 1:11 pm

    *sight*
    I like Alethea’s idea.



  13. Matt
    September 8, 2009 2:47 pm

    I always enjoyed the warning on the jars of Planters Peanuts that says “Warning: may contain nuts”. Seriously, go check.



  14. Lisa
    September 8, 2009 4:28 pm

    Ok, so we all know that warning lables are there for a reason. Because some moron hurt themself using that product. So here’s what must’ve happened:
    Moron decides to go jogging, takes bottle of water. While crossing the street, drops the bottle, steps on it, falls backwards, breaking an ankle. Then lands flat on own rear-end, dislocating an all important disc in the back. Not thinking clearly, throws head back in pain, falls backwards and smacks head off the pavement. Then a car came past (remember Moron is in the road), hits said Moron in the head. Moron sues anyone he/she can think of, and now we must consult our doctors before using a water bottle. Thank you.



  15. Pensgirl
    September 8, 2009 5:21 pm

    I just like that water bottles are now “exercise products.” That means every time I drink out of one, I’m exercising, right?



  16. KGC
    September 8, 2009 6:03 pm

    Pensgirl… You should know that drinking beer from a bottle is also known as “arm curls”.



  17. KGC
    September 8, 2009 6:03 pm

    Door – Open before entering or exiting.



  18. Still A. Fan
    September 8, 2009 8:34 pm

    Warning for ThatsChurch.com:

    do not read while drinking. wet guffaw may occur.



  19. Elmer Palmer
    September 8, 2009 8:47 pm

    Ken,

    This is why Berger & Green exists. Class action baby, all the way! Maybe someday Berger will finally get the rug he’s been saving up for. Green already got hers



  20. Different Brian
    September 8, 2009 9:52 pm

    Props @ Lisa. Warning labels exist because some scum in the shallow end of the gene pool, who natural selection should have claimed ages ago, hurt themselves as a result of their own stupidity, sued, and won truckloads of money.

    Which Berger, Green, and Edgar Snyder all took their chunks of. Oh, then Uncle Sam.



  21. bucdaddy
    September 8, 2009 11:59 pm

    Elmer Palmer,

    You have them backward. Larry Green needs the rug. Cindy Berger is the one with the dead fish eyes who says “Look at me!”

    I did. And now I need a personal injury lawyer who will sue for the irreversible eye damage.



  22. aunt penny
    September 9, 2009 12:23 am

    @Matt. As soon as I read your post I ran to go check my nuts. (really-honey nuts)

    Mine had two warnings. ‘Manufactured on equipment that processes tree nuts’ (seriously) and ‘choking warning, do not give to children under 6’ (I am a very bad parent…)

    So then I had to check my emerald cocoa nuts (cocoa roast almonds – yum). No warnings but under ingredients mentioned that it “CONTAINS ALMONDS”. Twice. Three times if you count the front label.

    Remove warning labels, thin the herd.

    (Do they have warning labels on Pirate tickets?)



  23. one-eyed dick
    September 9, 2009 10:08 am

    Nice way to make fun of my late mother, Dorothy Doofus, who was KILLED by this water bottle. Who knew you were supposed to drink the water FROM the bottle, as opposed to swallowing it whole?



  24. steelman
    September 10, 2009 12:02 am

    Did you ever notice the sign on the back of every seat on an airplane? It reads, “Fasten seat belt when seated”. I never tried fastening my seat belt while standing. Shouldn’t it just say, “Fasten Seat Belt”?



  25. bob the magical pigeon
    September 10, 2009 1:26 pm

    I’ve worked a Toys R Us for Christmas and you wouldn’t believe some of the labels. Like for example
    GameBoy Advance- Warning: Keep away from light and heat sorces. Apparently you’re supposed to play your gameboy in a cardboard box in the middle of the Antarctic.

    Barbie- (in the warranty labels) Mattel is not responsible for any trauma due to products head coming off.

    The Wheel of Animals (Yes that’s the actual product name. At least the cheap Fisher Price one.)- Warning: Product may not be accurate.

    The last one killed me. What are you supposed to pull the handle and when it lands on the cow it’s not going to go moo? Wtf? I want my money back if the darned thing doesn’t do what it’s supposed to do!