Random n’at


1.  Yesterday, I caught ten minutes of a show on TLC called “Toddlers and Tiaras,” which just the title makes me feel retchy. Not a word. Still using it.

First thing that made me want to find these little girls and sit down with them and teach them the joy of mud pies was when one of the mother’s claimed on camera she never forces her daughter (who looked to be like 3 1/2 or 4) to do anything.  Cut to the mother forcing the girl to work on her “beauty walk” only to have the girl literally ROLL HERSELF UP IN A RUG and shout “I HATE PAGEANTS!”

Second thing? The SWIMSUIT. PORTION OF THE PAGEANTS! Yes, 3-year-olds prancing around for judges in swimwear and then getting scored on it by adults, including MALE adults.


That screencap is taken from a pageant held right here in Pittsburgh. You can watch the whole episode, but I don’t know why you’d want to.

2. Speaking of little kids, Burghers, sit up and pay attention to me because I’m about to ask you to do something. I am a woman on a mission and nothing is going to stand in my way of getting what I want.

The Children’s Miracle Network is joining up with Microsoft to award three network hospitals with a $10,000 game room upgrade that includes flat screen LCD tvs, X-Box systems, gaming computers, THE WORKS! Squee!

All you have to do to help Children’s Hospital of Pittsburgh win this prize is to vote. You can vote up to ten times per day for the next three weeks, so this is an endurance race, not a sprint.

Because I have made up my mind that our sick kids are getting this prize one way or another, you now have two options:

Option #1: Go register (gasp! Register?! Yes, register! It takes a minute.) and vote every day as soon as you get to work. This option doesn’t cost you anything and you have the chance to win your own X-Box.  Again, squee!

Option #2: If I fail in my efforts on behalf of Children’s Hospital of Pittsburgh to win this prize, guess what? You’re not off the hook because then I’m going to hold a fundraiser to raise the $10,000 and guess who I’m coming to begging for three dollars? That’s right, YOU. And now that I’m not anonymous I can actually show up at your door with my hand out, my eyes in their best sad-puppy look, and I will weep and beg and gnash my teeth until you fork over your three hard-earned bucks.

I suggest you just go with option #1 and go vote.

If you need any motivation, would you do yourself a favor and hang out in the waiting area of Children’s for just like ten minutes? Then you’ll know.

3.  LenDale White, who stomped all over the Terrible Towel last year only to have his whole team smacked in the ass by karma boomerang after karma boomerang, said:

“If it happens to be there, I’m gonna stomp all over that. If there is a towel in the stands, I will stomp on it.  I don’t care who gets mad. . . .  If they throw a towel at me, I’m going to kick it and stomp on it.  If you don’t want your towels [stomped], keep them out of my face. They talk about me every day on Twitter.  They hate me. They hate me, I can’t use ‘He Hate Me,’ they hate me, the whole world, no matter what I do.  But they do love me.  They hate me because they love me.  That’s what it is.”

Such eloquence. Such passion. Such desire to feel the karma boomerang up his ass once again.

Somewhere, the ghost of Myron Cope just breathed, “Wish granted.”

(h/t DW)

4.  Here’s a What the Effie, not because he just detailed how he likes to kayak because he finds lots of fishing lures, but because, well, handcuffs? Yeah, that picture is sure to send many a lady swooning with desire.

And a final one: [HeADd3Sk hEaDDesK FAc3PAlM]

5. Tomorrow, I’m kicking off a give-away contest that is going to put two tickets to the Steelers/Chargers game in the hands of one of my readers.  YAY! And big thanks to www.ineedtwo.com for the tickets.


  1. Burgh Baby
    September 8, 2009 2:03 pm

    If CHP wins the contest, I think you should still hold a fundraiser so that we can raise money to pay for the therapy those little girls are going to need some day. So sayeth the lady who can’t watch Toddlers and Tiaras because my shortie will stand there, staring, and begging to have “dat dress” and “dat swimmy suit.”


  2. unsatisfied
    September 8, 2009 2:20 pm

    about 1 — I’m betting that 3 year old would give a better answer to “1/5 of americans can’t locate the US on a map, why do you think this is?” than that ms. teen usa contestant from SC a couple of years ago….

    about 4 — well, his ad does say, “But I do have a side of me that likes to curl up with that special someone and hang onto them all night.” thus, the handcuffs……

  3. Bobbo
    September 8, 2009 2:24 pm

    I hate that TLC show and the parents.

  4. spoon
    September 8, 2009 2:28 pm

    Lushie and I caught some of that yesterday. I guess she’s seen other episodes and they’re all just as bad if not worse than this one. At 4yrs old the only stage Teaspoon better want to be on is Rockstar or Guitar Hero. That’s when I don’t have him practicing hockey of course :)

    Did you see the one where the moms get to dress up for their own portion of the show at the end. Wow talk about trainwrecks.

  5. bucdaddy
    September 8, 2009 2:35 pm

    I think I was in line behind “and a final one” at Wal-Mart yesterday, except there were two of them (brothers, I’m guessing, and I mean relative-wise, not skin pigment-wise), who once they got through checkout were joined by what appeared to be little brother bro-wannabe. The backwards ballcaps, the oversized jewelry, the baggy-hangy jeans around theri ankles — they had it all.

    So proud, so proud.

  6. red pen mama
    September 8, 2009 2:43 pm

    1. I am just terrified to know that something like toddlers and tiaras exists. And I think exposure to Little Miss Sunshine would be good for everyone. (Says the mother who polished the grubby untrimmed fingernails of her 2yo daughter yesterday.)

    2. I voted a lot for CHP. And I will keep voting for them. I’ve been there with my healthy children, and thanked God that we were there for routine, one-time procedures. (I also voted a little for St. Vincent up in Erie. I grew up in Erie, and my dad works for that hospital. Sorry.)


  7. bluzdude
    September 8, 2009 2:46 pm

    You want to raise 10 grand? I got 2 words, and problem solved.


    Regarding the Tiara kids, I think the moms there are doing the same things to their daughters that fathers are doing to sons when they throw them into peewee football and go all Tom Coughlin on them… Desperately trying to take a 2nd shot at their own childhood.

  8. laurenhbg
    September 8, 2009 3:12 pm

    On an episode of The Soup a few weeks ago, he was talking about Toddlers and Tiaras… they had a clip of one of the judges/pageant coordinators that was giving the REASON why THONGS have been disallowed in the swimsuit portion.

    I mean, was it really a problem? Sad.

  9. Heather
    September 8, 2009 3:33 pm

    @spoon: I saw the one with the moms who competed! It was such a hot mess! The one mother pretty much told her kid “This is my chance.” WHAT! It was so bad but I couldn’t take my eyes away from it!

  10. James
    September 8, 2009 3:36 pm

    I made this to try and get awareness. If you’re in this interconnected web of people, you should probably join, and get others to do so too. It’s at least a better cause than “If I have 500,000 members, I’ll name my son ‘Batman’!”

    Thanks for the heads up…this is a really good cause.


  11. James
    September 8, 2009 3:41 pm

    Also, (sorry for the double post) but in the past hour Pittsburgh Children’s just jumped up to first place! That deserves a pat on the back.

  12. cathy
    September 8, 2009 4:05 pm

    “Toddlers and Tiaras” – EYE BLEACH!! I thought dance competitions were bad… Boy what a racket… We are in a recession?? $50 dollars an hour to coach your “little Princess” to stand up straight??

  13. Shane
    September 8, 2009 4:20 pm

    About #2: I think I’m digging the sound of option 2 a lot!

  14. cathy
    September 8, 2009 4:56 pm

    Now that My Eyes have been properly cleaned out and I have done a bulk erase of all information taken in through my eyes for the past few min. The Children’s Miracle Network is a great charity, and I am glad you have pointed this out I am all signed up to vote early and often (10times daily) until the contest has been won for Childrens hospital. ( I think I will also go donate an hour of Coaching time to this wonderful charity)

  15. Belle
    September 8, 2009 5:01 pm

    Toddlers and Tiaras is my guilty pleasure. It’s so disgusting. And enthralling.

  16. L-A
    September 8, 2009 5:06 pm

    The Washington County Humane Society was involved in a similar contest about a year ago. The winner would get a 1 million dollar renovation They came in first place, but the website that was sponsoring the contest took the top however many (sorry to be vague) and went to the facilities to see if they actually needed the renovation. Although they had the most votes, they ended up not getting the money. I hope this doesn’t turn out the same way. I just voted my 10 times for today and I will keep it up. Fingers crossed!

  17. JenEngland
    September 8, 2009 5:16 pm

    As the mother of an almost 18 year old, the fact that the last what the effie was most likely prostituting himself, or too stupid to realize he sounded like he is, makes me *shudder*. Ugh. Ugh ugh ugh ugh. (And how did I get to be the parent of an adult??) Ugh. Now that’s a real baby prostitute in my mind. The toddlers in Tiaras just look like it.

  18. Shibori
    September 8, 2009 6:41 pm

    laurenhbg- the best part of the “no thongs in kiddie pageants” explanation was that the kids don’t have the body to pull it off! That was really the pageant director’s reason!

  19. chrys
    September 8, 2009 7:05 pm

    TLC’s programming completely sucks. Half of the shows on there should be cancelled!! John & Kate, Toddlers and Tiaras and I’m sorry, but I can not stand 18 Kids and Counting.. soon to be 19 kids and Counting. When will that mother stop having babies????

    All of the kids involved in these horrible shows are going to be needing lots of therapy.

    just my .02. :P

  20. Still A. Fan
    September 8, 2009 8:28 pm

    doesn’t TLC stand for The Learning Channel? This sounds like something that should be on Spike or something. I watched 10 minutes of one episode and tehn I went back to sticking pins in my eyes. The fact that this can get the ratings it needs to stay on TV is mindblowing….unless it’s really on to make fun of the parents…ala “Best In Show”, only it’s not fiction. I don’t even think it’s fair to compare it to pee-wee football or tee-ball with crazy parents. At least it’s athletic and teamwork is involved. It’s not about best hair and putting your toddler in a swimsuit for priests masquerading as judges to rate them.

  21. justagirl
    September 9, 2009 4:35 am

    I can’t say I’ve ever understood pageants, unless the point is to award the person who seems to have had the most life sucked out of them. Those judges must be really well trained to see “personality” in some of those robo-moves. I don’t mind playing dress up, but fake tanning at age 3 makes me want to bitch slap them all.

    Oh, and Children’s Hospital duty done for today. I see the University of Iowa’s Children’s Hospital has sneaked past us. Anyone know how to get the Steelers to post about this on their website?

  22. Bananarama
    September 9, 2009 8:25 am

    Hey — A big THANK YOU for all your efforts to help CHP. My 14-year old is undergoing chemo for a brain tumor right now. We spend a lot of time at CHP and, yes, they do need a gameroom upgrade (especially for the teens — believe it or not, the teen room on 9 is really sad!).

    Sometimes, so they say, Steelers come and visit (we’ve met Mike Tomlin, but I totally embarassed my son by calling him “Mike Tomszak,” not to mention showing my old age!) up on 9. I can think of nothing better than a visit from the artist formerly known as Pittgirl to visit us moms on 9!

  23. Chick
    September 9, 2009 10:08 am

    @shibori – I think she said something about how rare it is for a child to have that perfect thong body. Which makes me wonder what seven year old has a body for a thong and why does this women know who does???

  24. Elle C.
    September 9, 2009 11:36 am

    Ugh, I caught this trainwreck of a show over the weekend and ended up watching 2 episodes. There was one episode where these two twin sisters competed against one another (they were like 7) and the one was “better” than the other in pagents. The mother showed such blatant favortism for the better sister and it made me so sad. These people are brainwashed to think these pagents are beneficial in some way to their children. I know it’s my fault for watching but I want those 2 hours of my life back, thankyoutlc.

  25. Russell Dunkin
    September 9, 2009 1:22 pm

    Thanks for sharing! I wouldn’t have seen this contest otherwise.

  26. Summer
    September 9, 2009 9:19 pm

    Thanks for the heads up about the contest, but CHP has slipped to second place!

  27. Steeler_tom
    September 9, 2009 9:45 pm

    Those pagents and what parents put those little ones thru, make me sick to my stomach. (yeah that little throw up taste in the back of my mouth)
    We should jail those ignorant parents

  28. Tinare
    September 10, 2009 8:50 am

    Ooohh, if Children’s Hospital doesn’t win, we should hold a backyard carnival to raise the money. I always wanted to have one of those when I was a kid…

  29. Tina
    September 10, 2009 10:25 am

    I put in my votes and forwarded it on to a few others to get their votes in, too.

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