What They’re Really Thinking: Fug Bunny Rollcall Edition*

Yesterday felt like Christmas a little bit didn’t it?

To an out-of-towner, I don’t know how to exactly express to you what Downtown Pittsburgh is like let alone on a Steelers game day, but a nationally televised, concert-preceeding, fireworks-bursting, Harry Mmrow Connick Mmrow Junior-belting, reddish-sky, cool-air, ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL game day.  It’s electric. (Boogie woogie woogie. Whoa. Where did THAT come from?)

You want to walk up to jerseyed strangers on the sidewalk and hug them.  You want to grab a microphone that broadcasts across the country and you want to scream, “HOW AWESOME IS MY PITTSBURGH?! Huh?!?  HUH?!?”

Let’s talk football game.

1.  The free concert at Point State Park featured the Black Eyed Peas, which were very “meh” to me and Tim McGraw, who was also kind of meh.

But I do have one question for Tim.  Tim, do you know the Muffin Man?

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Is that just a bad picture or is he really that muffin-toppy?  Maybe he wants to buy his butt-cracking Wranglers one size bigger.

2.  Speaking of muffins:

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Hawt!

Also:

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(thx to William and Jennifer for that pic)

3.  Benny came through for us in the end, but not before spreading some suckshine all over the place.  Perhaps he was distracted when he heard that his accuser is planning to go to court to ask the judge to force Benny to reveal the name of every woman he has ever had sex with.

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4.  Then it seemed he was too busy trying to remember them all.

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5.  His teammates were so disgusted with his lack of concentration they decided to pitch in and help him finish up his mental list:

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6.  Willie Parker was a beast, running for negative 955 yards.  It takes a LOT of work to gain that many negative yards. SOMEBODY’S been eating his Wheaties!  And providing his own pickup truck sound effects:

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7.  Troy Polamalu. TROYSUS POLAMALU!

My sister Tammy called me as Harry Mmrowr Connick Mmrowr Jr. was singing and asked breathlessly: “Are you drooling over Troysus?  Did you see when they showed him and his hair was blowing in the wind and he was praying? If I could medically fuse that image to my eyeballs so it’s all I see for the rest of my life, I would.”

She sent me a picture of what she’s talking about:

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Divine.

Did you also notice that for a good portion of the game, the defense took a nap and let Troy do all the work?  I noticed.  You know why?  Because I have the Steelers D in my Yinz Team Fantasy Football team (Skippy’s Sluts!).

Troy was everywhere.  Making tackles. Taking out knees. Praying. Tackling. Praying. Intercepting in the name of Jesus.

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Then The Madden Curse struck and he injured his knee and we’re looking at a three to six-week absence from our favorite Samoan.

Here’s hoping LenDale White gets the next Madden cover.

8.  Daniel Sepulveda is a monster.  A punt-blasting, five-yard -line pinning, deliciously lickable monster.  Grrrrowr.

9.  Poor Hines.  Caught for 100+ yards and then fumbled the ball when he had a leaping chance to win the game for us.  Hines responded the same way he responds to everything bad including an ouchie booboo on his finger.  He wept.  Oh, Hines. Buck the cowboy up!

That sounds dirty.

10. And finally, Jeff Skippy Skeeve Reed, realizing if he wins this game for the Steelers that Hines is going to owe him a plethora of sluts (Plethora is the technical term for a group of sluts.  Like flock of geese, pride of lions, plethora of sluts).  With a 33-yard overtime field goal, Skippy won the game for us, for sluts, and for perhaps the greatest reward of all —  making out with Daniel Sepulveda.

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Can you imagine if a judge ordered Jeff Reed to reveal the names of every woman he has had sex with?  I bet he would pull a USB drive out of his pocket all, “Here’s 2005-2009.”

All in all, not a pretty game. But as we say here in Pittsburgh: A win is a win is a win, n’at, yinz guys.

11. Oh, and LenDale White and your 33 yards?

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(*h/t to reader Mike for that excellent title)





62 Comments


  1. Linda
    September 12, 2009 10:58 pm

    If there are existing emails in which the accuser expressed hope that she is expecting a man’s baby, it ain’t sexual assault. All that is going on with the plaintiff and her sportscar-chasing attorney is the bluster on the way as they exit, stage left.

    And if a rich, talented, educated and highly visible public figure has sex with a stranger, he ought to be smart enough to know that she might be 1) lacking in judgment or self-esteem, since she is having sex with a stranger in a hotel room; 2) hoping that fame and glory will rub off on her; 3) and perhaps money, as well; 4) fertile in body and/or imagination, supporting the fantasy of a long-term connection; or 5) setting him up for a sexual assault claim and thus 6) a potential source of expense and embarrassment–or potentially career-ending legal trouble.

    Nobody should dignify this mess by confusing it with sexual assault.



  2. bucdaddy
    September 13, 2009 12:32 am

    Scott, I hear they have wonderful drugs these days that can help you with your terminal humor deficiency. Ask your doctor about Funnyboneitra.



  3. Don
    September 13, 2009 5:55 am

    This should lighten the caseload in the courts. We’ll eliminate the need for evidence and testimony and just let Linda decide if a crime has been committed.



  4. unsatisfied
    September 13, 2009 10:17 am

    scott’s back! his stupidity makes me giggle.



  5. justagirl
    September 13, 2009 4:24 pm

    Actually, I’m curious how exactly this counts as making fun of sexual assault. Ginny referenced the current state of the sexual assault case to explain why Ben would be listing his sexcapades, yes. But that’s just to explain why Ben is standing (or laying, or whatever) there reliving past encounters. They were consensual past encounters. She was picking on Ben and his theoretical happiness to jump into bed and *cough*do stuff with women he doesn’t know–but nothing suggested any of it was nonconsensual.

    I do appreciate people who stand up for victims of sexual assault, because all too often they are the ones who bear the blame for someone else’s actions. But I also want to remind people that just referencing sexual assault is not the same thing as joking about the assault. (This is true of many serious topics.)



  6. justagirl
    September 13, 2009 4:28 pm

    *kicks her soapbox away* Jesus. That no humor thing is contagious.

    I’m always in awe of how little of Casey Hampton’s head his face takes up. Little face on giant head (apparently topped with fluffernutters).



  7. Linda
    September 14, 2009 6:43 am

    Don, Ben hasn’t been charged with a crime. There was no call to police, no investigation, and therefore, no evidence that had been collected and weighed by professionals looking to see if a crime had been committed. If this was a pending criminal matter–either under investigation by police or already in the hands of a district attorney who had indicted the alleged assaulter, my comment would be inappropriate. As it stands here, it is the plaintiff and her attorney that bypassed a criminal investigation and trial by jury.

    The plaintiff is looking for money in a civil suit. She has made an allegation that she was damaged and wants compensation. Civil courts are the places people go when tenants trash their rental home or someone fails to pay back a loan or a patient sues a doctor for damages. In the past, that has been a back-door to get accountability in criminal cases where the jury acquitted people in the criminal case (e.g., O.J. Simpson.) But in those cases, the evidence is already part of the public record as there was a criminal trial. My point was that both of these people have made bad choices, and IF the published accounts I referenced are true, we are in the neighborhood of sexual stupidity, not sexual assault.



  8. Scott R Priester
    September 14, 2009 8:54 am

    Unsatisfied accuses me of stupidity, and then I read this

    “Scott, I hear they have wonderful drugs these days that can help you with your terminal humor deficiency. Ask your doctor about Funnyboneitra.” <—-From none other than "Buc Daddy" LOL……..I'll bet you're all Lady Gaga fans too?



  9. Maria
    September 14, 2009 9:24 am

    How does Casey Hampton stuff that big head into that helmet!!
    Troyus is divine!!! Wish they would learn from him and stop hoeing around so much!



  10. Ant_041
    September 14, 2009 11:46 am

    OMG you went there with the Fluffernutters. LMAO my son eats them all the time.

    Is it me or is Casey Hampton doing his best impression of Great Gazoo. “The Flintstones”



  11. Pensgirl
    September 14, 2009 1:25 pm

    Tim #46, just to clarify, I’m not Ginny’s sister, just a woman who loves the Pens and who had a creativity freeze years ago when I was trying to come up with a handle. This isn’t the only site where I use the name, so I just want to be clear that my online resemblance to Ginny’s sister is coincidental. :)



  12. Erica
    September 15, 2009 12:55 pm

    Be careful what you say about Tim McGraw his she-bitch will come after you. everything else is fine because they aren’t married to psychotic women.