Yesterday felt like Christmas a little bit didn’t it?
To an out-of-towner, I don’t know how to exactly express to you what Downtown Pittsburgh is like let alone on a Steelers game day, but a nationally televised, concert-preceeding, fireworks-bursting, Harry Mmrow Connick Mmrow Junior-belting, reddish-sky, cool-air, ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL game day. It’s electric. (Boogie woogie woogie. Whoa. Where did THAT come from?)
You want to walk up to jerseyed strangers on the sidewalk and hug them. You want to grab a microphone that broadcasts across the country and you want to scream, “HOW AWESOME IS MY PITTSBURGH?! Huh?!? HUH?!?”
Let’s talk football game.
1. The free concert at Point State Park featured the Black Eyed Peas, which were very “meh” to me and Tim McGraw, who was also kind of meh.
But I do have one question for Tim. Tim, do you know the Muffin Man?
Is that just a bad picture or is he really that muffin-toppy? Maybe he wants to buy his butt-cracking Wranglers one size bigger.
2. Speaking of muffins:
(thx to William and Jennifer for that pic)
3. Benny came through for us in the end, but not before spreading some suckshine all over the place. Perhaps he was distracted when he heard that his accuser is planning to go to court to ask the judge to force Benny to reveal the name of every woman he has ever had sex with.
4. Then it seemed he was too busy trying to remember them all.
5. His teammates were so disgusted with his lack of concentration they decided to pitch in and help him finish up his mental list:
6. Willie Parker was a beast, running for negative 955 yards. It takes a LOT of work to gain that many negative yards. SOMEBODY’S been eating his Wheaties! And providing his own pickup truck sound effects:
7. Troy Polamalu. TROYSUS POLAMALU!
My sister Tammy called me as Harry Mmrowr Connick Mmrowr Jr. was singing and asked breathlessly: “Are you drooling over Troysus? Did you see when they showed him and his hair was blowing in the wind and he was praying? If I could medically fuse that image to my eyeballs so it’s all I see for the rest of my life, I would.”
She sent me a picture of what she’s talking about:
Did you also notice that for a good portion of the game, the defense took a nap and let Troy do all the work? I noticed. You know why? Because I have the Steelers D in my Yinz Team Fantasy Football team (Skippy’s Sluts!).
Troy was everywhere. Making tackles. Taking out knees. Praying. Tackling. Praying. Intercepting in the name of Jesus.
Then The Madden Curse struck and he injured his knee and we’re looking at a three to six-week absence from our favorite Samoan.
Here’s hoping LenDale White gets the next Madden cover.
8. Daniel Sepulveda is a monster. A punt-blasting, five-yard -line pinning, deliciously lickable monster. Grrrrowr.
9. Poor Hines. Caught for 100+ yards and then fumbled the ball when he had a leaping chance to win the game for us. Hines responded the same way he responds to everything bad including an ouchie booboo on his finger. He wept. Oh, Hines. Buck the cowboy up!
That sounds dirty.
10. And finally, Jeff Skippy Skeeve Reed, realizing if he wins this game for the Steelers that Hines is going to owe him a plethora of sluts (Plethora is the technical term for a group of sluts. Like flock of geese, pride of lions, plethora of sluts). With a 33-yard overtime field goal, Skippy won the game for us, for sluts, and for perhaps the greatest reward of all — making out with Daniel Sepulveda.
Can you imagine if a judge ordered Jeff Reed to reveal the names of every woman he has had sex with? I bet he would pull a USB drive out of his pocket all, “Here’s 2005-2009.”
All in all, not a pretty game. But as we say here in Pittsburgh: A win is a win is a win, n’at, yinz guys.
11. Oh, and LenDale White and your 33 yards?
(*h/t to reader Mike for that excellent title)