File this under the “You mean we don’t already have that law” file or maybe the “This is why other cities laugh at our government” file or maybe the “Number Two will cost ya” file.
Relieve yourself in Pittsburgh’s streets or parks and you could face a $500 fine under legislation given final approval by city council today.
Fail to clean up after yourself, and that fine could double.
Instead, those caught urinating or defecating on or in a “walkway, street, highway, sidewalk, building facade, bridge, overpass, alley or alleyway, plaza, park, driveway, transportation facility, park, recreational area, parking lot, vacant or undeveloped lot or the stairwells, alcoves, doorways and entrance ways to such places” can be cited and fined $500.
This right here is why I could never be in politics because if I’m writing this, rather than trying to list every possible stinkin’ (literally!) place a person might pee or poop, I would just say, “any place that’s not a potty.” See that? Five words, one contraction, no loopholes. “But your honor! I pooped into an outdoor planter!”
They can get an identical, separate fine if they “fail to clean or remove the material deposited immediately” to “a container designed for such disposal.”
“At least these people should clean up after themselves, and they don’t,” said Councilwoman Darlene Harris, who called it “the wee-wee bill.”
Oh, good Lord.
First, I don’t understand the need for the second fine. The fine should just be $1,000.
If a person pees on the sidewalk, they are not going to be able to clean it up unless they find themselves a working hose. So regardless, you get caught peeing in the South Side, your fine is $1,000. Number two (hee!), if you poop on the sidewalk, what is the officer going to do? Stand there while you go find some tissues to scoop your hopefully solid shit up with? And even then, you’ve got to find a business owner who is willing to let you bring already-pooped poop into their place of business so that you can properly flush the poop down the potty. Thus, if you do number two, the fine is $1,000.
To sum up, here’s the regular Ginny version of the law:
If you poop or pee into anything that isn’t a potty while in the City of Pittsburgh, you will be fined $1,000.
Even you stupid ass drunks that use the South Side as your potty can understand that, right?
Also, the wee-wee bill? She actually called it that? I’ve just decided this is going in my “This is why other cities laugh at our government” file.