P for Poop

File this under the “You mean we don’t already have that law” file or maybe the “This is why other cities laugh at our government” file or maybe the “Number Two will cost ya” file.

Relieve yourself in Pittsburgh’s streets or parks and you could face a $500 fine under legislation given final approval by city council today.

Fail to clean up after yourself, and that fine could double.

Instead, those caught urinating or defecating on or in a “walkway, street, highway, sidewalk, building facade, bridge, overpass, alley or alleyway, plaza, park, driveway, transportation facility, park, recreational area, parking lot, vacant or undeveloped lot or the stairwells, alcoves, doorways and entrance ways to such places” can be cited and fined $500.

This right here is why I could never be in politics because if I’m writing this, rather than trying to list every possible stinkin’ (literally!) place a person might pee or poop, I would just say, “any place that’s not a potty.” See that?  Five words, one contraction, no loopholes.  “But your honor! I pooped into an outdoor planter!”

They can get an identical, separate fine if they “fail to clean or remove the material deposited immediately” to “a container designed for such disposal.”

“At least these people should clean up after themselves, and they don’t,” said Councilwoman Darlene Harris, who called it “the wee-wee bill.”

Oh, good Lord.

First, I don’t understand the need for the second fine. The fine should just be $1,000.

If a person pees on the sidewalk, they are not going to be able to clean it up unless they find themselves a working hose.  So regardless, you get caught peeing in the South Side, your fine is $1,000.  Number two (hee!), if you poop on the sidewalk, what is the officer going to do? Stand there while you go find some tissues to scoop your hopefully solid shit up with?  And even then, you’ve got to find a business owner who is willing to let you bring already-pooped poop into their place of business so that you can properly flush the poop down the potty.  Thus, if you do number two, the fine is $1,000.

To sum up, here’s the regular Ginny version of the law:

If you poop or pee into anything that isn’t a potty while in the City of Pittsburgh, you will be fined $1,000.

Even you stupid ass drunks that use the South Side as your potty can understand that, right?

Also, the wee-wee bill? She actually called it that?  I’ve just decided this is going in my “This is why other cities laugh at our government” file.





23 Comments

  1. Monty
    September 15, 2009 4:02 pm

    Najeh Davenport would skoff at the poophole in that law. Doesn’t say a damn thing about a sleeping woman’s dorm closets.



  2. Sooska
    September 15, 2009 4:08 pm

    Did you ever hear the old expression “go shit in your hat?” That isn’t expressly prohibited. How about “go piss up a rope?”



  3. rna
    September 15, 2009 4:19 pm

    I know this is intended to focus on the drunk people peeing on the South Side but it seems that it could unfairly target the homeless who don’t have any other options. The city could get sued if they ticket a homeless person and don’t also provide public toilets.



  4. Dana
    September 15, 2009 5:55 pm

    I was walking in Oakland on Saturday night and saw a woman peeing on a sidewalk. I’m sure she didn’t clean it up. She was too busy yelling at me for daring to walk by while she was peeing. On a sidewalk. And it was legal at the time. I love Pittsburgh.



  5. Pa-pop
    September 15, 2009 7:35 pm

    I prefer that they call it Proposition P. Or PP.



  6. blip-in-da-burgh
    September 15, 2009 10:36 pm

    this is fine for dumb-ass drunks, but what about if you have kids and they can’t hold it anymore and you’re nowhere near a potty?



  7. JenOH
    September 15, 2009 11:29 pm

    My cousin is a police officer in the area where we live, and a mutual acquaintance told me that when my cousin and some other cops were attempting to arrest some guy one night that the guy ran from the street onto someone’s porch and pooped there right in front of the them.

    I think they should’ve shot the guy, but maybe I’m just a touch aggressive in how I would handle criminals/losers.



  8. Steelman
    September 16, 2009 12:00 am

    Now you know why the proposed Healthcare bill is over 1000 pages long. Governments are run by lawyers so you need hundreds of paragraphs to say what could be said in one paragraph in order remove all the loopholes. If God were to add an 11th Commandment, it would simply read, “Thou shall not relieve yourself in public areas.”



  9. Aznburgher
    September 16, 2009 12:36 am

    One word….professional



  10. aunt penny
    September 16, 2009 12:37 am

    Since pittsburgh is going all green with the gee20…maybe plant more bushes?
    wee dont need no stinkin wee-wee bill.

    Gawd, can’t wait for your report on the gee20, Ginny. Did you get an invite to Theresa Heinz’s place for the soiree?



  11. Katie
    September 16, 2009 8:18 am

    Notice that the bill doesn’t say anything vomit. You can’t wee-wee or poo-poo, but upchuck all you want, drunks!



  12. grumpy
    September 16, 2009 8:25 am

    Re: but what about kids?

    I don’t really want your kids pooping anywhere any more than I want drunks pooping anywhere. I also imagine that you can argue the fine in front of a judge, who might be sympathetic to, “My four year old couldn’t hold it anymore, there were no toilets around, I had no other options, we chose as secluded a place as possible, and I cleaned it up afterwards. It was the best I could do in the situation, Your Honor.” Hell, the cop might understand that to begin with and not ticket you.



  13. Nrt
    September 16, 2009 9:03 am

    Just found your blog. You have one of the best blogs going. I hate the Boston pigeons too.



  14. USCMike
    September 16, 2009 9:22 am

    Hey folks, let’s get voting for the kids at Children’s Hospital – we’ve fallen to fourth!!

    Let the idiot politicians deal with the ‘wee-wee bill’ and let us adults win those kids a new gameroom!



  15. President Pigeon
    September 16, 2009 10:00 am

    Do we get fined if we poop ?????



  16. President Pigeon
    September 16, 2009 10:01 am

    What about the pigeons ? Will they be fined if they poop ???



  17. bluzdude
    September 16, 2009 10:12 am

    Where did this Hurley Medical Center come from? I bet the people from Flint MI think it was set up by the guy on “Lost”.

    In regard to weightier matters, it’s clear that the Democratic-run Pittsburgh government is trying to socialize our pooping population and the mainstream media is conspiring to cover it up. Harrumph!



  18. Wckdcll
    September 16, 2009 10:29 am

    K, I am a little embarassed by the name of the bill, and, I used to live in the SS and yeah it smells like pee, no doubt but REALLY?? A bill and 2 fines, how are those drunks supposed to clean up pee when they are preparing themselves to drive?? Ya know!! I don’t drink anymore therefore have no desire to pee outside but…can’t say I haven’t!

    Bill de PP is a better sounding one.



  19. bucdaddy
    September 16, 2009 10:29 am

    Good luck getting $1,000 out of the homeless folks.



  20. one-eyed dick
    September 16, 2009 1:26 pm

    Oh, you Pittsburghers! You are much funny people. We in Nigeria have no kind of that problem here. We do doo-doo in home where it must belong.

    http://blogs.app.com/saywhat/2009/09/16/woman-seeks-divorce-from-husband-for-defecating-in-cooking-pots/

    Your most excellent servant,
    Raimondo Mengfui

    PS Do not forget to at once contact me for winnings of big lottery you never entered.



  21. Kevin In ABQ
    September 16, 2009 11:59 pm

    Rental car companies are now charging a $250 cleaning fee if you smoke in their smoke-free fleet of cars. Beginning to think that ‘treating a rental car like a rental car’ may take on a new meaning.



  22. unsatisfied
    September 17, 2009 11:05 am

    let me tell you a story (and, I know that it doesn’t take place in pgh and would therefore not come under the “wee-wee law”….).

    back around ’94, my buddies and I went to see R.E.M. out at star lake. before the show, my one bud and I went off to the woods to go take a leak (and not clean it up). on the way, in a field, stood a cute little blonde hottie. we were checking her out right up to the point when she squatted down and took not a pee, but a dookie. right out in the open.

    for some reason, it was right then and there that she lost her hotness…..



  23. butcher's dog
    September 18, 2009 3:59 pm

    Strictly enforce this law at all tailgate parties for the rest of the Steelers season and all the city’s budget problems will be over.