When I was at the Best of Pittsburgh Party, I spoke to a woman from the Zoo who asked if I was still having problems with the pigeon people, and I said sadly, “You know, since I’ve started writing about their ridiculous emails and making fun of their ridiculous butts, they’ve quit writing to me. Sadcakes.”
Then this bright and beautiful sunny Monday morning, A TREAT IN MY INBOX!
Dear Ms. Montanez,
I don’t know how you can say you love sick kids and hate pigeons beyond imagination. Love is love, whether for innocent kids or innocent birds. I can only presume that what you have is a phobia, and you should look inside yourself for the answer to that problem, or else seek conselling. Either way, I would urge you to stop dishing out your psychosis on the public. It is offensive and disgusting to those who love all forms of innocent life.
Lucky for me, my WordPress is a complete snitch that will tell me from what referring site certain emailers are coming to me , and this Teresa came to me from … I can’t even type this it is so offensive … Pij ‘n’ Angels.
You don’t have to go there, I’ma tell you what they say about me. The good stuff:
“But to hate a pigeon so? Maybe a pigeon attacked her, or a friend or family member?? More likely it’s something petty like one pooped on her car. People can be so petty. I get the feeling some people say they hate pigeons because they have heard other people say they do, like being a member of the pigeon hating club makes them cool. This person probably thinks her writing about her hatred of pigeons makes her sound witty. I haven’t had time yet, but if anyone finds out why this person hates pigeons let me know. Maybe if this person would come to this site she’d learn a thing or two. I get the impression she’s not as smart as she thinks she is.
If you want to know why I hate pigeons, it is because they have pooped on me, divebombed me, flipped me the bird, called me nasty names, and have, on more than one occassion tried to terminate my ass. I’m not even exaggerating ONE LITTLE BIT! Also, Pigeon Hating Club does sound like a thing cool people would join. Let me know if you want in. Our song goes like this, “Pigeons suck. Pigeons suck. Pigeons SUCK!” I just made that up right now. I know.
I agree. Let’s all contact her.
Please do, so I can write about your ridiculous butts. Also, I can’t take you seriously when your avatar is a FRICKIN’ PIGEON YOU KEEP IN YOUR HOME. Gawd.
This also from Teresa:
All the people who have anger management issues need scapegoats, and cowards prefer scapegoats that wouldn’t hurt a fly. It’s safe enough for bullies to say they hate pigeons, because they have so few official friends and protectors, and indeed many people consider them pests. That makes them a soft target for bullying cowards. I don’t think it’s unintelligent people who hate pigeons, I think it’s damaged people who crave empowerment and exhibit gratuitous violence so long as they themselves are in no danger of getting hurt for it; in fact, they may even pick up a few equally damaged allies on the way.
Pigeons wouldn’t hurt a fly?! What the hell ever. A pigeon would poke its own mother’s eyeballs out for a discarded french fry.
There was a pigeon trapped in a store here recently. A kid walking by said to his mother Hey there’s a pigeon! I’m going to go kick it! He probably saw that on the internet or heard it from a friend perhaps. That type of thing won’t go away on it’s own. The kid’s mother could have explained why that would have been a mean thing to do but didn’t.
Honestly, if my kid ever sees a pigeon and tries to kick it, I’ll probably buy him a donut or a cookie or maybe some new Legos. Maybe throw myself a parade for being such a kickass mom. I won’t let him hurt any other bird or any other animal, but yeah, have at that knowing bastard.
The best way is really to ignore or – as CNN did best – cut her off from publishing and notify the appropriate people such as blog administrators/web providers if she starts again.
The crap?! That didn’t even make sense. HELLO, I’M BLOGGING RIGHT HERE! Go ahead and tell my blog administrator. His name is Mike Woycheck. Tell him you want me fired. Go ahead. woy [at] haveagoodsandwich [dot] org. Mike, be sure to forward those to me so I can laugh at their ridiculous butts.
Pigeon lovers, I hate pigeons. Hate them. Yes, I write about them a lot and if you hate it, that’s why we have the bloop-bloop-bloop function on this here blog. You don’t want to read it, you bloop on down to the next post or you go away.
And Burghers, you know if these people do manage to hunt me down, I will be armed with a giant bucket of roaches so that when they come up to me and I throw it at them, while they are screaming and hollering and crying “GET THEM OFF GET THEM OFF!” I will say calmly. “It is innocent life. Love all life. Love is love.”
Stay tuned! What They’re Really Thinking will be posted around 3:00. It will be slut-tastic!