What They’re Really Thinking: Slutty edition.

Yesterday was the family’s first football gathering of the season, giving us a chance to eat tacos, break up kiddie fights, complain about the running game, lament the lack of carrot cake, demand of various family members to spend halftime out seeking carrot cake, throw plates of half-eaten carrot cake at Jeff Reed, etc.

How am I supposed to write about anything other than Jeff Reed? Hmm? How?

Do I talk about the fact that Troysus looked pitiful on the sidelines?

Do I talk about Willie actually gaining some yardage?

The Asshat returning to his Butterfinger roots?

Benny playing more than decently?

How do I do that when all I really want to do is talk about Jeff Reed?

EVERYONE wants to talk about Jeff Reed!  Look at France’s president during a pre-G20 talk!

I am SO WITH YOU, Nicky. So with you.  Let’s have a drink while you’re here.

First things first:

1. BENNY! First, you need a haircut, STAT.

Second, way to show you’re not always a late bloomer, that you can run with authority when you want to, that you’re not afraid to take a hit, that you can dive for a touchdown when the team needs you to, and that you can pump fake until your arm falls off.  And even then, you’ll pick that arm up with your other hand and you’ll pump fake until that one falls off.

2. Running game, meh. At least Willie gave up on running backwards long enough to gain some yardage.

3. Meh. Meh. MEH!   Look, I can’t even go on. It was a semi-decent game because everyone put in a semi-decent performance, but Jeff Reed … oh.

I wasn’t in front of the TV when he missed the first field goal, so when I heard, I was all, “JEFF REED MISSED A FIELD GOAL?! Was it like a 60-yarder? Gale force winds?  Was it intercepted by a hawk?! WTF?!”

Then when he missed the second field goal, I knew he was intentionally trying to sabotage my fantasy football team.   Look at what he did to me!

And yeah, look at what the defense did to me.  Look what EVERYONE DID TO ME!

Tell me, fantasy football knowers, is 55.9 the least amount of points anyone has ever received ever in the history of ever?

I thought so.

Poor Skippy, not a slut to be had.

God only knows what happened to Skippy to make this happen.  Maybe he had a rough night. Maybe his eyes are bothering him or he pulled a muscle during some sexual escapade. We’ll never know.

But we do know this.  Watch out Sheetz paper towel dispensers. Skippy’s pissed. Not a one of you is safe from those monster thighs.

Wonder what happened to all the sluts they had on standby.

We all know the answer to that question. “I like ’em ugly.”

Oh, I went there.





43 Comments

  1. L-A
    September 21, 2009 4:01 pm

    Poor Skip. He’s the kicker on my fantasy team (Yinzergoindahn), too, so I feel your pain. Oh well. He and his giant thighs will show up next week and boot ’em straight.



  2. bucdaddy
    September 21, 2009 4:01 pm

    I hope you’re not one of those greedy bastards who think the Steelers owe you another Super Bowl championship this year. You’ve had two in the last four years, give some other poor schmuck a chance.



  3. bluzdude
    September 21, 2009 4:02 pm

    Sooo worth the wait. You had me at Sarkozy, straight on the floor.

    I also thought Troy looked to be in anguish after Tyrone gave up that touchdown. He looked like John Travolta did near the end of “Michael” when he knew he had to give up his time on earth in order to heal that miserable little dog. Troy was similarly wondering if he should immediately heal himself and suffer a possible shortening of his career of miracle-making.



  4. wshicldtel
    September 21, 2009 4:03 pm

    Oh my I REALLY missed these!!!!!



  5. butcher's dog
    September 21, 2009 4:06 pm

    Santonio did his part to insure they didn’t return undefeated.



  6. Pensgirl
    September 21, 2009 4:07 pm

    If it makes you feel better, my opponent last week got 28 points, so you’d have killed him!

    Like I said in the last post, I can’t really be mad at Skippy. Yeah, he had a horrible off-day, but as the P-G noted, the last time that happened was five years ago during a freakin’ hurricane. I’ll take one dumb loss for that level of right-on consistency.

    Plus he looked ready to hang himself on the sidelines (sluts WERE on the line!).

    He’ll bounce back.



  7. JJ
    September 21, 2009 4:08 pm

    wow, these were basically my thoughts, only delivered in a freakin hilarious package.
    love, love, love it!



  8. Der Burghermeister
    September 21, 2009 4:14 pm

    Kudos…a virtuoso performance!



  9. Dave
    September 21, 2009 4:15 pm

    I think Skippy is like Samson in that he derives his (normally) awesome kicking abilities from his (normally) outrageous hair. He cut his hair to look, dare I say?, presentable and look what happened! He’s gotta grow that stuff out or get a weave or something before it’s too late!



  10. TheBurghDude
    September 21, 2009 4:21 pm

    Worth the wait x 2.

    Skippys boo boo face on the sideline, you knew he’d just gone down in the sl*ts do-me list after that. Must have been some wicked rash to cause him to change his delivery enough to shank those two kicks…



  11. Vivian formerly NYLuvsPitts
    September 21, 2009 4:21 pm

    Watch out Sheetz paper towel dispensers is exactly what I was thinking. lol



  12. Jeepin
    September 21, 2009 4:23 pm

    Yeah. Gotta agree with Dave @#9. He would have really looked bad if he had the bleached hair and normal length guido-doo going on.

    On the side lines he looked like a clean cut guy that had a bad day…I kinda felt bad for him then I said to myself that Skippy gets more arse than a toilet seat…I dont feel that bad for him. I hope it knocks them down a few rings…they were getting too big headed in my opinion



  13. Moe the Dog
    September 21, 2009 4:25 pm

    “I like ’em ugly” – AWESOME!!!!

    I hope you don’t get sued, too.



  14. eileen
    September 21, 2009 4:35 pm

    Ohhhh you so went there!
    And it was hilarious!!



  15. Pensgirl
    September 21, 2009 4:39 pm

    Uh-oh people, Geno’s been out with Skippy!

    Are you friends with any of the Steelers? Maybe Big Ben?

    No, I have never met him nor been introduced to him. I only know… What do you call them? They guys who kick the ball? Kickers? I went out to dinner with them a couple of times, hanged out with them.

    http://sports.yahoo.com/nhl/blog/puck_daddy/post/Puck-Daddy-chats-with-Evgeni-Malkin-about-the-Cu?urn=nhl,190888



  16. Heather
    September 21, 2009 4:39 pm

    Consensus among my ladyfriends about Skippy’s performance was that he totally missed his pre-game blow jay.



  17. JennyMoon
    September 21, 2009 4:55 pm

    awesome.



  18. Matt
    September 21, 2009 4:55 pm

    I’ve sent this along to my friends at the Treasury Department, so they won’t need those annoying translation headphones when Sarkozy speaks. Don’t be surprised if you get a lot of hits from Brussels asking “Comment vous dites ‘sluts'”?



  19. Dawn
    September 21, 2009 5:15 pm

    Week 1 – Hines’ once in a lifetime fumble.
    Week 2 – Reed’s once (ok, twice) in a lifetime double field goal shank.

    I don’t know what it means, but they need to man-up and play ball.



  20. Steelergurl
    September 21, 2009 5:32 pm

    Hmmm, your game time analysis is so much more fun than mine! And I am with you, I think there should be security on all Sheetz paper towel dispensers immediately. Benny def need a hair cut and to lay off the damn sammiches, it’s gametime fatass.
    Also, that’s so funny that you “went there.”
    Love that!



  21. Ohio sister
    September 21, 2009 6:46 pm

    Well done sister…well done! :)



  22. matt pritt
    September 21, 2009 6:46 pm

    General rule for fantasy drafting and playing is always play your head and not your heart. Relying on Steelers simply because they are Sttelers might make one feel good, but is bad in fantasy circles. Like kickers for instance, far better to pick one late that plays for a higb scoring team than one whose accuracy you have to rely on. I got John Carney as a free agent before the season began and as long as New Orleans moves the ball like it is nobody’s business I can’t complain. With Jeff Reed, you need him to convert every opportunity, because those may be few and far between. Give me a team that is bound to score points (New England, New Orleans, San Diego) any time, because the misses are offset by the chances.



  23. Pa-pop
    September 21, 2009 8:12 pm

    I like to think this is so effin funny that even Skippy’s laughing.



  24. PittinDC
    September 21, 2009 8:53 pm

    I have Skippy and the Stillers defense on my fantasy team as well, so I also got screwed big time. Troy boy needs some divine healing powers and to come back quick!!



  25. SuburbBurgh
    September 21, 2009 9:18 pm

    A HAWK? I think someone needs to get ahold of the CBS aerial coverage of the game footage and review the film for pigeon interference.



  26. Amy
    September 21, 2009 9:27 pm

    I figured he just didn’t drink enough….



  27. No Princesses Here
    September 21, 2009 9:52 pm

    My fantasy team….it suffer too….



  28. Goob
    September 21, 2009 10:21 pm

    Holy crap – Kevin McDonald is the President of France!



  29. PittCheMBA
    September 21, 2009 10:36 pm

    Skippy is in the last year of his contract and turned down an offer before the season began. Per Mark Madden from 105.9 WXDX, Steeler upper management is not happy about Skippy’s off the field activities and may not re-sign him after this season. This contract situation is obviously affecting Skippy’s performance. He could make those kicks on Heinz field, he should have been able to make those kicks on Soldier Field.



  30. Duncan
    September 22, 2009 7:32 am

    Need to move the vote link back to page one.

    Skippy is in th dog house this week… he’ll need to work to redeem himself.



  31. Scott R Priester
    September 22, 2009 7:42 am

    A team that is supposedly worthy of being in the Super Bowl shouldn’t have to rely on a kicker to win football games. The whole team lost, no matter if Jeff Reed apologized and accepted fault or not.



  32. Virginia Hendricks
    September 22, 2009 7:58 am

    I thought for SURE you’d have the picture of him pouting! with a witty caption like “Pittgirl is going to pick on me now” or something like that! Its all I could think of when they should him with his lower lip stuck out!!

    Hubby said the same thing – that the towel dispensers in Sheetz were already shaking in fear!

    (the france president was funny though!).



  33. red pen mama
    September 22, 2009 8:15 am

    I said the same thing about Benny’s hair. To which another mom in the crowd commented, “what a mom thing to say.” Yeah, well, if the shoe fits.

    I love the way you combined the G20 and Steelers football. Well done — and more importantly, hysterical. I wonder if Sarkozy is taller than Jeff Reed?

    Lastly, I thought the same thing when I heard he missed. “Must have been a long one.” 38 frickin’ yards? Not long. Way to have an off day, Skippy.

    ciao!
    rpm



  34. facie
    September 22, 2009 8:56 am

    I think Skippy needs to go back to his long hair. I never realized he had such a tall forehead. Perhaps the rain got in his eyes when he kicked, not having that yellow mop to soak it up. I could not help but think of Kris Brown in ’00 or ’01 when he missed four field goals against the Ravens. I think that game was home, though.

    Big Ben is on all three of my fantasy football teams this year. (I ranked only one of those teams.) Unfortunately, the last time I had BB on my team, the Steelers went .500 for the year, so nobody make any Super Bowl plans involving the Steelers.



  35. jennviolet
    September 22, 2009 9:18 am

    Oh my gosh I loved this post. Thank you and well done.



  36. e$
    September 22, 2009 9:30 am

    hahahahha… that was a fantastic way to start the morning, but to answer your question, my brother had a TOTAL of 39 points in the 1st week of our fantasy football league because Lendale White and Steve Slayton both wet the bed… So 55, eh? could’ve been worse…



  37. Sharky
    September 22, 2009 9:32 am

    I got you beat. I only got 53.88 on my one Yahoo fantasy team. Philly’s defense killed me!!!



  38. TheJim
    September 22, 2009 9:57 am

    Two important rules in football, that also have applications in everyday life for most Americans as well:

    1.) Never trust a Manning
    2.) Never trust a kicker



  39. unsatisfied
    September 22, 2009 10:59 am

    while I agree that perhaps the skeeve should bring back his winning and ultra-popular “heat miser” ‘do, it wasn’t all on him.

    that being said, the pouty face that he had on the sideline, though, was classic. it said, “aw, no sluts for me.”

    if nothing else galvanizes him this season, this last game will. he’ll be back….



  40. Fantasy Football Guru
    September 22, 2009 2:05 pm

    Mark Bradley?

    MARK BRADLEY?!?!?!

    No wonder you lost, you decided to start a wide reciever who should not even be on an NFL roster. Mark Bradley sucks, he has always sucked, he will always suck, and he plays for a suck team with a suck quarterback who couldn’t get him the ball even if he didn’t suck.

    Mark Bradley!



  41. Norm
    September 22, 2009 4:33 pm

    I’ve had less points in a Yinz Team Fantasy Matchup. Just saying, be glad you didn’t loose your starting QB TWO YEARS IN A ROW.



  42. DamnYouGuru
    September 22, 2009 9:33 pm

    You beat me to it, Guru. You should have to immediately relinquish ownership of your team and be banned for one year for drafting, let alone starting, Mark Bradley.



  43. aunt penny
    September 22, 2009 11:20 pm

    Both Benny and Skippy need to see the poodle lady for some new do’s.

    Ginny musta been working out during her time off, sure got in some nice jabs.