Now for something completely different:

I’ve written and rewritten, deleted and rewritten, washed, rinsed, and repeated a post about the G-20 and for right now, I don’t really want to start another discussion about protesting versus anarchy versus peaceful marches versus bashing the windows out at Pamela’s, which, what the hell message were we to take from that?  “PANCAKES ARE EVIL!”

Only if you eat too many of them, anarchists.  Moderation is key.

So forget the chaos for a moment and come away with me while we visit the “You can’t make this shit up file” that I keep tucked in my bra:

Firefighters had to be called to an emergency room in Newport Beach to help save a man’s penis when it got stuck in the hole of a steel dumbbell. Police said the man was attempting to enlarge the size of his penis.

I know what you’re thinking, so let me interject here that I checked and surprisingly, no, it was not Jeff Skippy Skeeve Reed.

Authorities said the man’s organ had swollen to five times its normal size.

EUREKA! It worked!

The man initially refused treatment but officials at the Hoag Memorial Hospital Presbyterian explained to the man if he waited any longer to remove the fastener the flesh in his penis would die.  Firefighters used a saw to cut through the metal ring.

Oh, to be a firefighter and to come home to a kid that says, “Daddy! Daddy! What did you do today!?” and to get to sit that kid down and say, “Kid, let me tell you a little something about a thing called penicular rigor mortis.”

(h/t some awesome person whose email I lost. SORRY!)


  1. dand
    September 25, 2009 5:01 pm

    To be fair to the anarchists, it is not possible to eat Pamela’s pancakes in moderation.

  2. bluzdude
    September 25, 2009 5:03 pm

    Sheesh… I don’t want to see the word “saw” in the same SENTENCE as the word “penis”, let alone have one in operation anywhere near mine. Then again, I wouldn’t be, uh, “pumping iron” in quite the same manner.

  3. Lauren
    September 25, 2009 5:24 pm

    They should have just cut the man’s penis off. Clearly, a person this stupid should not be permitted to procreate anyway.

  4. malbrec92
    September 25, 2009 6:34 pm

    I hear ya, Lauren. Plus? Natural selection. Let the people with bigger penises procreate. YEAH!

    j/k, guys. It’s not the size that matters. *koff*Doesn’tHurtThough*koff*

  5. Sooska
    September 25, 2009 7:00 pm

    maybe the dumbbell-penis exercise is punishment for anyone who attacks Pamela’s.

  6. Monty
    September 25, 2009 7:40 pm

    Must’ve looked like a long neck claim trying to jump out of an iron skillet.

  7. bucdaddy
    September 25, 2009 9:38 pm

    Dumbbell, all right. I could have told him that wouldn’t work … um, or so I’ve heard.

  8. Heather
    September 26, 2009 8:25 pm

    My cousin in CA sent me the same story! All I could think of for some reason was that the guy looked like one of the doofuses (before they morphed into gay soft porn gods) in the Olivia Newton John video for “Physical.”

  9. westindya
    September 27, 2009 11:13 am

    um… wow. guess it worked?!?

  10. Matt
    September 27, 2009 1:22 pm

    Thank goodness the unfortunate weight training enthusiast was not identified by authorities as “Polish”, or you would have touched off another international incident.

  11. ChrisP
    September 27, 2009 6:42 pm

    Seriously, none of y’all remember how the Obama’s loved Pamela’s on a previous visit, and had the owners down to cook at the White House to cook for some state function?

    Not saying any of the vandalism “makes sense”, but it wasn’t a shock that the local business that has had repeated linkages with the first couple took a hit…

  12. Miss B
    September 29, 2009 10:27 am

    WHO DEY!!