What They’re Really Thinking: IS IT TIME TO PANIC NOW?! Edition.

WINNER WINNER CHICKEN DINNER!  The winner of the Steelers/Chargers tickets is John Kish.  John, I sent you an email!  You have 24 hours to respond or I will have Random.org pick another number.

HEY HEY HEY!  Stop smacking your monitor like that.  It’s an image, not a REAL panic button.

Burghers, we have lost two games in a row. I don’t mean to get all almanacky on you, but when is the last time the Steelers lost two games in a row? It feels like 75 years ago, so I’m going to assume I’m right and say SEVENTY-FIVE YEARS AGO!

And to lose in the fashion we did with a complete and epic breakdown in all systems.  Dropped touchdown passes, incomplete coverage, interception, missed field goal, general suckage.

Do you realize that yesterday the Steelers and the Penguins lost and the Putrid Buccos of Stinky Suckitude won? This is Armageddon.

Let’s talk football suck:

1.  First, I think I know how to explain the fourth quarter collapse after having dominated the Bengals for not just the entire game, but for the entire last DECADE.  That explanation is this, juju:

Look at Hines! He’s clearly in a voodoo trance.

Only possible explanation.

2.  Then Carson Palmer put the Fluffernutter Hex on Casey Hampton, resulting in the collapse of the defense.

One thing I have learned in the last two games? OMG do we need Troysus. We need him praying and playing and destroying kneecaps like the God-fearing merciless football monster he is.

3.  Poor Mike Tomlin did everything he could to break the spells, even going so far as to try to I-Dream-of-Jeannie the spells away with a cross-armed blinking head nod type deal, but it didn’t work.

Next time, he should try that on himself and his own coaching staff so that instead of deciding to go for it on a fourth and five, they punt the ball like a group of smart, un-hexed, non-jujified coaches.

4.  Limas Sweed dropped a sure touchdown pass in the end zone and therefore must die. What? I’M PANICKING HERE!

5.  Jeff Reed missed a fifty-yard field goal that would have made a difference in the game outcome, and therefore he must die as well.  You know, I blame myself. The day after my magazine column hits referring to his “incredibly accurate monster thighs” he becomes incredibly inaccurate.

Missing three field goals in two games is not how one convinces their coach that they are worth more money than previously offered.  Missing three field goals in two games means you must die.

I’m starting to believe that maybe the opposing coaches are bribing Skippy to miss field goals.

(h/t Erik B.)

He keeps this up, Skippy may never get another reward slut from the Steelers again.

Also, my punishment for benching Jeff Reed this week is that my replacement kicker earned me one whole point for Skippy’s Sluts.

6.  The offensive line turned into sleepy LOLcats in the second half, effectively shutting down any running game momentum Willie Parker had finally gained:

7.  Poor Benny, stellar performance what with a quarterback sneak touchdown, yet he has a loss to show for it.  Don’t cry for him, Pittsburgh, he has lots of people to comfort him and gently wipe his tears away.

If you put your ear to your monitor, you can hear the love theme from Ice Castles playing in the background.

We forgot … about … [sob] … the flowers.

More like they forgot about what Steelers Football means. It means you play for a full sixty minutes.  You don’t nap-out at 48 minutes and change.

Hopefully they remember what it means by next week, because if we lose come Sunday, I will start burning sluts in effigy while lighting couches on fire.

Somewhere in Oakland, 3,000 Pitt students just said, “YES! RIOT!”

Because it’s not like they need a reason.





36 Comments

  1. AWags
    September 28, 2009 1:33 pm

    And the winner is…



  2. bluzdude
    September 28, 2009 1:36 pm

    I can’t fault Skippy too much… even though he has the leg, he almost never makes those 50+ yard FGs.

    Limas Sweed may never see the field again. Mike Wallace is a true 60-Minute(s)Man. Dude was everywhere…

    Hey, who won the tickies?



  3. butcher's dog
    September 28, 2009 1:36 pm

    The next time Limas Sweed gets on a football field, it better be to pick up the trash that has blown there after the patrons have all left. And yes…”Limas Sweed” and “blown” were both intentionally used the the previous carefully-constructed sentence.



  4. Virginia
    September 28, 2009 1:38 pm

    Whoops! Post updated with winner’s name!



  5. L-A
    September 28, 2009 1:42 pm

    I want to know why, early in the game, they didn’t go for it on 4th and one on the goal line? Was it to make Skippy feel good by making a 19 yarder? I would have rather made the Bengals start at the own one yd line with no points than get those 3 off Skip’s monster thigh. Tomlin made all kindsa ballsy calls last year. wtf is going onnnnnnn???????? grrrr.



  6. unsatisfied
    September 28, 2009 1:45 pm

    steelers are 1-2.

    penguins have less than stellar pre-season.

    when’s the succo’s spring training start?



  7. Leslie
    September 28, 2009 1:46 pm

    God, you wouldn’t believe all the smack talk I’ve gotten from Bengals fans in the last, oh, 21 or so hours. You’d think it was the Super Bowl. (I’m in Dayton)

    I don’t know who to blame. Pretty much the whole thing was awful – but Limas Sweed would be more useful pouring beer at Heinz Field next week than he would be on the field. And I just laughed when they announced Skippy Skeeve was attempting that 52 yard field goal. I’m still bitter about last week’s performance by our man Skip.

    Even so, I’ve been sending “Pick Me!” vibes to the random number generator…



  8. Pensgirl
    September 28, 2009 1:47 pm

    [HEY!, the Pens game doesn’t count, it was preseason AND they didn’t even dress Sid or Geno!]

    Is it bad that I enjoy these posts more when we lose than when we win? That said, losing totally sucks.

    I think Shayne Graham missing that 53-yarder was bad for the Steelers, because his hitting it might have woken them up sooner. (And he should have hit it – I know for a fact he can hit a perfect shot from that distance.)

    But really, the Stillers lost that game when they were up 13-0 after THREE trips inside the ten. WHEN YOU GET INSIDE THE TEN, YOU SCORE TOUCHDOWNS, DUMBASSES.

    And also…

    “OMG do we need Troysus.”

    That is the very definition of “church.”

    But you know, there is something worse than losing to the Bengals. Actually being the Bengals. Or their fans. *Shudder*



  9. Uncle Crappy
    September 28, 2009 1:57 pm

    Even if you hadn’t benched Skippy, you would have had enough to beat me in what might be the ugliest game in fantasy football history. Yeesh.

    Know where I can get a good margarita? I could use one…



  10. geeves
    September 28, 2009 2:04 pm

    These last two games are just like about 5 that we had last year vs. the Giants, Colts, Cowboys, Baltimore and San Diego. The last 3, we would have been 9-7 and way out of the playoffs. Reverse the first 2 and we’d have been 14-2. All of them were decided in the final minutes of the games. Vs the Giants and Colts, our defense didn’t hold. During the other 3 it did.

    I blame Arians and his inability to create a solid gameplan for the 2nd half relying too much on defense. We still ran the ball well in the 2nd half, but got too pass happy.



  11. Sooska
    September 28, 2009 2:08 pm

    Ginny wrote: Do you realize that yesterday the Steelers and the Penguins lost and the Putrid Buccos of Stinky Suckitude won? This is Armageddon. Sooska says: Perhaps but I think this is only the “transformation” the Brits warned us about in your “Bugger” post. (I know it is only preseason for the Pens) bugger, anyway.

    …and your column mention is the equivalent of the SI cover jinx? is Troysus’ injury a result of a Head & Shoulders shampoo commercial jinx?



  12. Pensgirl
    September 28, 2009 2:10 pm

    Sooska, Troy fell to the Madden Curse.

    I know someone who works on Madden. He’s a Steelers fan. He shoulda thrown a one-man protest when they suggested Troysus. “How about Limas Sweed?” he shoulda said.



  13. parkingchair
    September 28, 2009 2:43 pm

    Limas Sweed made some great catches in the preseason. And he made a ton of great catches at Texas. I was hoping they would have gone right back to him in the next series to build his confidence. The Asshat will not be back when his contract is up, and Hines will retire in the next couple of years. Sweed and Wallace are the future of this pass offense. Step up, Limas – make the catch! Losing to Cincy is unacceptable.



  14. facie
    September 28, 2009 3:12 pm

    Pitt, Penn State, and the Steelers were winning for 3/4 (or more) of their games, and they all managed to throw away the games. I am pretty sure all three of my fantasy footballs will lose, since that is the way it has been rolling.

    I don’t blame Skippy for this game. I blame Limas and the defense. And BA and/or Coach, who need to realize 15 football minutes is not a lot of time when you are ahead by only 11 points or whatever it was. Having come from behind so many times, the Stillers should realize other teams can do it too.



  15. pghgeorge
    September 28, 2009 4:27 pm

    Simple logic.
    A combination of 3 things messed our groove…
    Names that end with EED, combined with the G20 disruptions.
    (3 character acronyms are the devil.)
    The third thing is a new phenomenon I just saw on ABC, called Flash Forward. For 2 minutes and 17 seconds, everyone on Earth blacked out. Watch the post-game tapes! I swear that you’ll see a black trench coat clad figure lurking in the stadium, as everyone else is passed out.



  16. Pittsburgh Tom (now back in da burgh)
    September 28, 2009 4:30 pm

    I was actually at the Pirates game yesterday. That final half inning was amazing baseball by the Pirates, especially considering that most teams have trouble scoring against the Dodgers’ closer.
    Three times in the game, they walked Garrett Jones to get to Lastings Milledge. The third time he made them pay with the game-winning three-run hit.



  17. Vivian formerly NYLuvs Pitts
    September 28, 2009 5:21 pm

    Who would have thought that three weeks into the season the Steelers and the Lions would both be 1-2. It must be Armageddon. God help us.



  18. Still A, Fan
    September 28, 2009 5:32 pm

    I’m being totally serious here….cut Sweed. I’ve been watching football a long time. When Parcells used to take over a team it was a right of passage to cut a non rookie in his (Parcells) first camp. I remember tons of reasons why he cut players. Most of the time its to send a message. You might not be on the field much, but when you are…your freaking head has to be in the game or you will be gone. I wanted Willie Reid gone way before he went. I hope this doesn’t turn into 2-3 years of me saying cut Sweed, He doesn’t play special teams that well, I never see him on the field and he can’t catch Swine Flu. Cut him.



  19. PittCheMBA
    September 28, 2009 8:01 pm

    As usual, great post game analysis!



  20. Chris
    September 29, 2009 5:43 am

    “He can’t catch Swine Flu”….

    SNORT!!!!



  21. Kelly
    September 29, 2009 5:49 am

    I was beside myself on Sunday! I couldn’t believe it. I even pulled out my Terrible Towel, dammit!!!



  22. MN
    September 29, 2009 6:27 am

    For all the Sweed “fans”, check out this scathing article:

    http://www.post-gazette.com/pg/09272/1001626-87.stm



  23. DanW
    September 29, 2009 6:40 am

    I agree about Sweed, so far he has been a bust. However, going for it on 4th and 5 at the 35 is the right decision. A punt will likely only gain you 15 yards, and obviously Skippy isn’t currently a good option, as we saw later in the game. The defense has to be able to stop 2-minute drives!



  24. President Pigeon
    September 29, 2009 7:37 am

    All of the protestors who got arrested during G20,should get Limas Sweed as their attorney,that way all of the charges will get dropped.



  25. MBerry
    September 29, 2009 8:55 am

    Last year Sweed caught balls in pre-season and then dropped them when it mattered. Why are we tolerating this?



  26. Infinonymous
    September 29, 2009 9:40 am

    The Steelers — and Pitt — are screwed, because someone who hates them is on a mission from God.

    And it’s God.



  27. Ant_041
    September 29, 2009 10:01 am

    President Pigeon – that was priceless. LMAO



  28. Miss B
    September 29, 2009 10:36 am

    WHO DEY..



  29. Vivian formerly NYLuvsPitts
    September 29, 2009 11:41 am

    In Sweed’s defense, Ben asked for a “tall” receiver. He never asked for a “tall receiver that can catch”. You have to be careful of what you ask for and be specific in your asking.



  30. Pensgirl
    September 29, 2009 12:20 pm

    “The defense has to be able to stop 2-minute drives!”

    Truth.



  31. Just A Simple Man
    September 29, 2009 2:11 pm

    Two critical plays would be the 4th and 3 and then 4th and 10 on the one “Bungles” scoring drive and they convert them!!!! It would be nice to keep carping on Sweed but the question is where has the “No. 1” defense been the last two weeks?



  32. Still A, Fan
    September 29, 2009 6:53 pm

    dude, we all know that, but sweed’s non catch is the straw because we’ve seen it too many times. the defense is still adjusting to no troy and its obvious. sweed needs to squeeze that ball. geez i still have flashbacks to plax not squeezing a ball in an afc title game against the pats in the back left corner of the endzone that would have won the game that he touched with both hands. there are only so many receivers in the nfl and all are making money that would put us to shame. when a ball is in your zip code, you damn well better give me 110% effort to catch it. i’ll forgive you if it’s off target or you’re well covered. otherwise, catch it.



  33. Just A Simple Man
    September 30, 2009 4:46 am

    OK I agree Sweed & the receivers need to “squeeze” the ball. That said where has Mr. Holmes been this year. The last two games he has been well “absent” for the most part, no? MVP gone to his head maybe?



  34. Still A Fan
    September 30, 2009 7:11 am

    Agreed. And you can what if a bunch of other plays. Fact remains good teams have depth. When stars have off days others need to step up. Wallaced stepped up. Limas did not. The stage is too big for him.



  35. Old Cynic
    September 30, 2009 9:55 am

    Hmmmmmmm – Remember this is really an all Tomlin team now. Cowers long gone. Does Wanstadt (or whatever) come to mind. Hmmmmmmm.