WINNER WINNER CHICKEN DINNER! The winner of the Steelers/Chargers tickets is John Kish. John, I sent you an email! You have 24 hours to respond or I will have Random.org pick another number.
HEY HEY HEY! Stop smacking your monitor like that. It’s an image, not a REAL panic button.
Burghers, we have lost two games in a row. I don’t mean to get all almanacky on you, but when is the last time the Steelers lost two games in a row? It feels like 75 years ago, so I’m going to assume I’m right and say SEVENTY-FIVE YEARS AGO!
And to lose in the fashion we did with a complete and epic breakdown in all systems. Dropped touchdown passes, incomplete coverage, interception, missed field goal, general suckage.
Do you realize that yesterday the Steelers and the Penguins lost and the Putrid Buccos of Stinky Suckitude won? This is Armageddon.
Let’s talk football suck:
1. First, I think I know how to explain the fourth quarter collapse after having dominated the Bengals for not just the entire game, but for the entire last DECADE. That explanation is this, juju:
Look at Hines! He’s clearly in a voodoo trance.
Only possible explanation.
2. Then Carson Palmer put the Fluffernutter Hex on Casey Hampton, resulting in the collapse of the defense.
One thing I have learned in the last two games? OMG do we need Troysus. We need him praying and playing and destroying kneecaps like the God-fearing merciless football monster he is.
3. Poor Mike Tomlin did everything he could to break the spells, even going so far as to try to I-Dream-of-Jeannie the spells away with a cross-armed blinking head nod type deal, but it didn’t work.
Next time, he should try that on himself and his own coaching staff so that instead of deciding to go for it on a fourth and five, they punt the ball like a group of smart, un-hexed, non-jujified coaches.
4. Limas Sweed dropped a sure touchdown pass in the end zone and therefore must die. What? I’M PANICKING HERE!
5. Jeff Reed missed a fifty-yard field goal that would have made a difference in the game outcome, and therefore he must die as well. You know, I blame myself. The day after my magazine column hits referring to his “incredibly accurate monster thighs” he becomes incredibly inaccurate.
Missing three field goals in two games is not how one convinces their coach that they are worth more money than previously offered. Missing three field goals in two games means you must die.
I’m starting to believe that maybe the opposing coaches are bribing Skippy to miss field goals.
(h/t Erik B.)
He keeps this up, Skippy may never get another reward slut from the Steelers again.
Also, my punishment for benching Jeff Reed this week is that my replacement kicker earned me one whole point for Skippy’s Sluts.
6. The offensive line turned into sleepy LOLcats in the second half, effectively shutting down any running game momentum Willie Parker had finally gained:
7. Poor Benny, stellar performance what with a quarterback sneak touchdown, yet he has a loss to show for it. Don’t cry for him, Pittsburgh, he has lots of people to comfort him and gently wipe his tears away.
If you put your ear to your monitor, you can hear the love theme from Ice Castles playing in the background.
We forgot … about … [sob] … the flowers.
More like they forgot about what Steelers Football means. It means you play for a full sixty minutes. You don’t nap-out at 48 minutes and change.
Hopefully they remember what it means by next week, because if we lose come Sunday, I will start burning sluts in effigy while lighting couches on fire.
Somewhere in Oakland, 3,000 Pitt students just said, “YES! RIOT!”
Because it’s not like they need a reason.