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A really icky post.

Do you remember how incredulous, dumbfounded, and incredibly icked out I was when I learned that there were women who use washable, reusable menstrual pads?

And do you remember how by researching reusable menstrual pads I stumbled upon an entire other set of women who use washable, reusable, hand-crocheted TAMPONS?

I know what you’re thinking right now.  You’re thinking, man, I wish I could make me some hand-crocheted tampons because that doesn’t sound like it would be ouchy or itchy at all to shove up my bajingo, take it out, throw the cotton away, toss the tampon in the washing machine with the kitchen towels, insert more cotton, and then shove that freshly washed hand crocheted tampon right back up my bajingo. (This might be late notice, but boys, you might want to not read this post.)

You’re in luck, because two local ladies/Awesome Burghers, one of whom is a former fierce roller derby chick named Fonda Bruises and the other is her friend Jill, have filmed a video at their most recent Ford City Stitch ‘n Bitch, in my honor no less, that teaches you how to quickly, and boy do I mean QUICKLY, hand crochet your own reusable tampons, IN TWO SIZES!

YouTube Preview Image

Notes:

1. They did that so fast! I bet if they were in a bind, say in a restaurant and they realized that their Aunt Flo just arrived unexpectedly as they sat there, they could whip out some yarn, crochet a quick tube, grab their dinner napkin, shove it in the tube, and then excuse themselves to the restroom. Voila!

2.  Good ole Rhonda, giving her Super Tampon for Super Flow Days a “rounded, more comfortable tip.”   I don’t know how they did this with a straight face.  I applaud their poker faces!

3.  I want you to know that I could be down to my last cent, and I promise you that I will sit on a downtown sidewalk with a sign that says “Spare some change so I can buy tampons” before I will ever use one of these toxic-shock inducing death tubes.

4.  Red yarn seems like a good choice of color if you’re going to make yourself a reusable, crocheted tampon.

5.  Gotta love the black and gold.  Can’t you just hear a tree hugger getting ready to head out for some tailgating, then saying, “Oh, crap. Hang on a sec.  I gotta put in my lucky Steelers tampon.”

Somewhere, Jeff Reed sits reading this all, “HAWT!”





91 Comments

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  1. Lisa
    September 29, 2009 7:32 pm

    Don’t forget…in addition to being environmentally friendly, they make great cat toys! (something from your first post on the subject-or the comment section-

    I have no problem leaving disposable items for someone else to clean up-there are these nice inventions called trash bags and trash cans-
    it isn’t as if used tampons just lay around on the floor-

    I can’t imagine grocery shopping with used and awaiting washing tampons in my purse-can you?

    I will never ever be able to look at an “I bleed black and gold” sign again in the same way!



  2. PittCheMBA
    September 29, 2009 7:36 pm

    I am so happy I am not a chick!



  3. Trish
    September 29, 2009 8:14 pm

    Lucky Steelers Tampon is totally going to be the name of my 2010-2011 fantasy football team. (bookmarks post)



  4. Bobbo
    September 29, 2009 9:51 pm

    Agree with PittCheMBA!



  6. Pa-pop
    September 29, 2009 10:27 pm

    Given the subject matter, the phrase “really icky post” holds a (shudder) repulsive meaning – if you’re a guy.



  7. RavishingRick
    September 29, 2009 10:59 pm

    Alice Cooper said it best:
    Only Women Bleed
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-5lEIdpXSac

    Man’s got his woman to take his seed
    He’s got the power – oh
    She’s got the need
    She spends her life through pleasing up her man
    She feeds him dinner or anything she can

    She cries alone at night too often
    He smokes and drinks and don’t come home at all
    Only women bleed
    Only women bleed
    Only women bleed

    Man makes your hair gray
    He’s your life’s mistake
    All you’re really lookin’ for is an even break

    He lies right at you
    You know you hate this game
    He slaps you once in a while and you live and love in pain

    She cries alone at night too often
    He smokes and drinks and don’t come home at all
    Only women bleed
    Only women bleed
    Only women bleed
    Only women bleed
    Only women bleed
    Only women bleed
    Only women bleed

    Black eyes all of the time
    Don’t spend a dime
    Clean up this grime
    And you there down on your knees begging me please come
    Watch me bleed

    Only women bleed
    Only women bleed
    Only women bleed
    Only women bleed
    Only women bleed
    Only women bleed
    Only women bleed



  8. Cnik
    September 30, 2009 5:16 am

    Next week… reusable latch hooked toilet paper.



  9. red pen mama
    September 30, 2009 5:23 am

    Sorry for leaving another comment, but:

    1. I’m a little disturbed that @ravishingrick left an entire song in his comment, never mind that it’s called “Only women bleed”. But I don’t know rick, so I’ll assume that I’m not getting his sense of humor and leave it at that.

    2. Tampons don’t contain fiberglass. dear gosh, if you can do the research to find the non-disposible menstrual product for you, surely you can discover that for yourself. Also: no asbestoes, in case you run into that myth.

    ciao,
    rpm



  10. JJ
    September 30, 2009 5:53 am

    I concur that these reusable tampons sound ridiculous and not healthy or sanitary. I am, however, a huge fan of the Diva Cup! And I admit, that it took me a while to get used to the idea and get comfortable with using it, but I’m totally converted now.



  11. La Reina
    September 30, 2009 6:26 am

    Just the phrase “menstrual cup” makes me shudder. Ugh and ewwww. Thank goodness I’m near the age when “Aunt Flo” (THAT expression makes me laugh) won’t be visiting anymore.



  12. Toad
    September 30, 2009 6:33 am

    Ditto Bobo and PittCheMBA.



  13. honeywine
    September 30, 2009 6:40 am

    I came over from the Burgh. OMG. I was familiar with the reusable pads from my grandmother. Back in the hills they didn’t have a lot of options. But tampons??? Ewwww…. Someone is going to get crotch rot. Straight up.



  14. spoon
    September 30, 2009 6:50 am

    Dear baby jesus, up there in all your gold Pens clothes and rockin crown. thank you for making sure I had a stem on my apple when I was born so i don’t have to worry about funk like this.

    love, spoon



  15. Indigo
    September 30, 2009 7:16 am

    I’m one of those save the Earth tree huggers (It’s a hippie thing) but *Blink* there are some things that are just going a little too far off the edge of reason.

    For someone to say you don’t have a great view or respect your body because you don’t *gag* want to deal with handling certain things sounds controlling and judgemental. Glad they don’t have a problem with it. Me? I might hesitate to let them handle my food or anything similiar.

    It just doesn’t seem sanitary to me, either way you present it.

    I came over from Burgh. (Hugs)Indigo



  16. Bojack
    September 30, 2009 7:53 am

    I’d like to see Pgh women avail themselves of the great value USPS Priority Mail envelopes and send their used and especially disgusting rags to the various members of the Nutting family at several locations!!! Pirates’ office on the North Shore for starters!!

    Can properly washed rags be any worse than your typical male’s skid-marked tidy whities??



  17. Lisa J.
    September 30, 2009 8:14 am

    To Lisa (the other one): OMG, just this morning I was in the bathroom and busted out laughing thinking about the “I bleed black and gold”. That one will stick with me for a while.



  18. Jen
    September 30, 2009 8:25 am

    Really Ginny — Did you need to go there?
    What’s next? “Little Earth” recycled condoms?
    BLAHHHH!



  19. Jara
    September 30, 2009 8:40 am

    While everyone is entitled to choose what works for them…seriously, peeps. Reusable menstrual products are gross. Period (no pun intended). Out of curiosity, I looked up the Diva Cup and apparently, the cleaning solution you should purchase to clean your menstrual receptacle (cause good old soap and water apparently doesn’t work) can, and I quote directly from the website:

    Can be used daily as a facial cleanser or luxurious shower and bath gel. The gentle formula leaves your Diva body clean, soft and never dry. <–WTF?!?!?!?!?! Because I know I want to use the same solution that cleans the blood out of my "cup" on my face. It's all natural, after all! GAH!

    http://www.divacup.com/en/home/divawash/

    Considering Aunt Flo is visiting me right now, I'm in total bitch mode. So to guest and Critical (and others who think to post similarly), shut the F*** up! Quit trying to sound like we women are being misogynistic against ourselves. Thanks for your twisted logic! I'm sorry that we have evolved to the point where we no longer need to reuse dirty, nasty, bloody cloths that no matter how hard you try, will forever remain bloodstained. And call me narrow minded, but hell, I wouldn't mind being stuck in a menstrual hut, especially if it means I don't have to come in contact with annoying ass people whose heads I'd rip off anyway. Just saying…

    I think there are more productive ways to reduce our carbon footprint than to frown upon paper products that benefit public hygiene (diapers, TP, and feminine products).



  20. RavishingRick
    September 30, 2009 9:36 am

    To red pen mama, sorry that you were “DISTURBED”

    ciao
    RR



  21. Jo
    September 30, 2009 10:00 am

    That was one of the most hilarious things I’ve ever read… if only because it’s really happening out there…



  22. bluzdude
    September 30, 2009 10:48 am

    Just a joke, Sooska, just a joke.

    Now is it too late to copyright “I bleed Black and Gold?”



  23. Summer
    September 30, 2009 11:52 am

    I love that the Menstrual Moms Brigade hits your site up whenever you dare criticize their crocheted tampons.

    Don’t they have anything more pressing to do … like laundry?



  24. Cassie
    September 30, 2009 12:00 pm

    Tony (AKA Bluzdude) bleed black and gold…priceless.

    I don’t understand why women get all up in arms about this! It’s a personal choice! I don’t walk around to random women saying, do you use a disposable tampon? Because you’re killing the earth! So so so wrong. So don’t get all up in Ginny’s face for thinking that reusable tampons are gross. Because I think they are too, but that’s a personal opinion.

    No, I don’t throw my underware away after every use, but I would if I didn’t use tampons or pads. That’d just be gross to clean. Especially when I’m washing my kids’ clothes, too. I don’t care what Tide says it kills, it’s just the principle.



  25. unsatisfied
    September 30, 2009 12:05 pm

    I’d rather have a stanley cup than a menstrual cup.



  26. YinzerInExile
    September 30, 2009 12:35 pm

    <<>>

    Possibly the best euphemism. On the planet. Ever.



  27. YinzerInExile
    September 30, 2009 12:36 pm

    oops — that would be “Flow Control Devices” = awesome euphemism.



  28. Matt
    September 30, 2009 1:22 pm

    Wow. That was disgusting. I wondered what you were going to do with all that material you can’t publish in a family magazine. After the first three paragraphs, all I needed to see was “Ford City” to conclude that I could never click on that video without having to gouge out my eyeballs with an ice pick. I’m also mildly disturbed that I’ve re-read it, along with all the comments, three times now. I will never be able to look at the Stanley Cup again without feeling slightly nauseous.



  29. parkingchair
    September 30, 2009 2:00 pm

    The Menstrual Cup.

    Didn’t Annika Sorenstam win that on the LPGA tour this year?



  30. westindya
    September 30, 2009 2:24 pm

    it’s my birthday. this is uber-gross. um, yuck. never ever ever ever ever ever ever! EVER! there is not enough tree-hugging in me. In the washing machine??? I will not eat from anyone who does this.



  31. La Reina
    September 30, 2009 3:07 pm

    Annika’s retired, parkingchair. It probably was Paula Creamer.



  32. L-A
    September 30, 2009 3:26 pm

    ha – paula creamer



  33. CriticExtraordinaire
    September 30, 2009 3:28 pm

    Now if we can come up with a way to recycle all that disposable Summer’s Eve® out there.

    Millions of gallons of perfectly good priduct could be saved if we apply some green technology.



  34. amused
    September 30, 2009 3:31 pm

    Silly boys that are afraid to watch the video, they are making them to hang on a tree to poke fun at the idea. They aren’t acyually using them or inserting them in the video. Lololol



  35. Adriane
    September 30, 2009 4:31 pm

    That. Is. Horrible.



  36. Fonda Bruises
    September 30, 2009 4:56 pm

    WOW Matt, you seem to harbor some pent up resentment against Ford City. What? Did Ford City beat your high school football team or what?



  37. tim
    September 30, 2009 6:00 pm

    I had to watch the video since i read so far into the post. Rhonda and Jill are too funny!



  38. Matt
    September 30, 2009 7:09 pm

    Okay, Fonda. “Ford City” was nothing but a lame diversion. You win. I will now watch the video. But I will hold you responsible for any resulting visual self-impairment. As far as high school football is concerned, I have no memory of that, since we wore leather helmets back then. But roller derby is pretty cool. Thankfully, neither of those sports involves the Stanley Cup, which now invokes an entirely new image. So, here goes the video. Did I mention that neither football nor roller derby involves the Stanley Cup?



  39. Icky and Green
    September 30, 2009 8:44 pm

    When your descendents are living on landfill comprised of tampons, pads and diapers in 2045, you can thank yourself for being part of the problem!



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