That's Church

Nothing is promised.

I do not want to get my hopes up.

I’m just going to keep praying.

Maybe, if you’re inclined, you do the same.

Bennett Ryan was born.

(h/t BurghBaby)

Please, please watch this video of a dancing flash mob made up of Point Park University students.  This took place yesterday at the US Steel plaza and was their attempt to greet the G-20 with peace, art, and kickass motherlovin’ DANCING!

The good stuff starts at :45 in, so watch it and then we’re going to talk about it and by that I mean, I’m going to tell you how I feel about it.

I know! SQUEE!

Why squee? SO many reasons, but let me tell you three:

1. Whoever that brave soul is that started the dance all by himself. HUGS!

2. Since Footloose, since Grease, since Grease 2 (I KNOW!), since Scrubs, since Buffy, since Enchanted, since High School Frickin’ Musical, I have always thought why can’t we live in a world where suddenly large crowds of people burst into choreographed song and dance?!  How awesome, I have thought, would it be to be walking through Point Park when suddenly, out of nowhere, “It’s a Hard-knock Life” starts blaring and all the people who take their lunch to the Point because they hate their jobs and wish life were different, suddenly burst into a dance that fully utilizes the entire rim of the fountain? And umbrellas.  Lots of colorful umbrellas a-twirling and a-tossing.

I am so so so jealous that I wasn’t there when this happened because I would have freaked the hell out at the sheer awesomeness of this.

3.  THIS is how you get your message across. You throw a brick through a window in Pittsburgh and I will hate you and everything you stand for and if you so much as ask me for directions to your tent city, I will send you on a path so ridiculous you’ll end up in the scariest parts of the Hill District, or as we call it, Westhampsminstershire, where you’ll beg those very police you hate, to save your miserably misguided life.

However, you sing and dance about it, you bring me joy while telling me what you’re so pissed off about, hell, I’m going to listen to you and then quickly guide you back to your tent city, and maybe even stop on the way to buy you a donut.

Just think, anarchists, instead of pissing this entire city off with your stupid destruction, why not use this rainy downtime to make up a song and dance that speaks to your cause? Call it “Capitalist Pigs” set to the tune of “I Am the Very Model of a Modern Major General” and I, along with 20 world leaders, will pull up a lawn chair and clap like you’re killing pigeons.

I am the very model of a modern major anarchist

I’ve information scary ’bout those nasty pigs capitalist.

I hate the kings of England, and I fought the fights historical

From Pittsburgh here to London too, in order west to east-acle.

I’m totally on to something, and you know it.

DO IT!

All you kids that danced are the next Awesome Burghers and your giant pats on the back are in the mail.

Also, clearly, I need to write a Broadway musical.

Yesterday was the family’s first football gathering of the season, giving us a chance to eat tacos, break up kiddie fights, complain about the running game, lament the lack of carrot cake, demand of various family members to spend halftime out seeking carrot cake, throw plates of half-eaten carrot cake at Jeff Reed, etc.

How am I supposed to write about anything other than Jeff Reed? Hmm? How?

Do I talk about the fact that Troysus looked pitiful on the sidelines?

Do I talk about Willie actually gaining some yardage?

The Asshat returning to his Butterfinger roots?

Benny playing more than decently?

How do I do that when all I really want to do is talk about Jeff Reed?

EVERYONE wants to talk about Jeff Reed!  Look at France’s president during a pre-G20 talk!

I am SO WITH YOU, Nicky. So with you.  Let’s have a drink while you’re here.

First things first:

1. BENNY! First, you need a haircut, STAT.

Second, way to show you’re not always a late bloomer, that you can run with authority when you want to, that you’re not afraid to take a hit, that you can dive for a touchdown when the team needs you to, and that you can pump fake until your arm falls off.  And even then, you’ll pick that arm up with your other hand and you’ll pump fake until that one falls off.

2. Running game, meh. At least Willie gave up on running backwards long enough to gain some yardage.

3. Meh. Meh. MEH!   Look, I can’t even go on. It was a semi-decent game because everyone put in a semi-decent performance, but Jeff Reed … oh.

I wasn’t in front of the TV when he missed the first field goal, so when I heard, I was all, “JEFF REED MISSED A FIELD GOAL?! Was it like a 60-yarder? Gale force winds?  Was it intercepted by a hawk?! WTF?!”

Then when he missed the second field goal, I knew he was intentionally trying to sabotage my fantasy football team.   Look at what he did to me!

And yeah, look at what the defense did to me.  Look what EVERYONE DID TO ME!

Tell me, fantasy football knowers, is 55.9 the least amount of points anyone has ever received ever in the history of ever?

I thought so.

Poor Skippy, not a slut to be had.

God only knows what happened to Skippy to make this happen.  Maybe he had a rough night. Maybe his eyes are bothering him or he pulled a muscle during some sexual escapade. We’ll never know.

But we do know this.  Watch out Sheetz paper towel dispensers. Skippy’s pissed. Not a one of you is safe from those monster thighs.

Wonder what happened to all the sluts they had on standby.

We all know the answer to that question. “I like ‘em ugly.”

Oh, I went there.

1. The next person that emails me along the lines of, “God, Ginny. I expected to see you ranting about Jeff Reed this morning, not see a pigeon post. You better get cracking on the Steelers post,” is going to get evil-eyed by me.  First, when last I blogged, I had a one-year-old.  Now, I have a two-year old.  Would you like me to explain to you in detail the difference between those two, because if you think the answer is “one year,” I have a Sharpie-covered kid I’d like to show you.

Second, most of my posts take me 5 minutes to write. What They’re Really Thinking takes me a good hour. Give me a bit of time.

2.  While you’re waiting, feel free to go read my latest column over at the magazine. It’s about the Steelers. I discuss Skippy, The Asshat, and even that horsey-toothed traitor Bill Cowher.

3. One thing keeping me very busy is my whip-cracking (and not in the good way) husband. “Do this. Do that. I need this menu. I need this invitation. I need this sexual harassment policy. I need this insurance. When’s the website going live?”  The bad news is I might kill him. The good news is he just took out a killer life insurance policy$$$$.  The REALLY good news is that Las Velas Mexican Restaurant finally opens on Friday, October 2 for both lunch and dinner. The restaurant is located above Prantl’s Bakery at 21 Market Street.

I will be there for lunch and dinner on Friday and dinner on Saturday, so please, stop in, spend your money, bail my unemployed butt out, say hello.  The food is divine and the margaritas are strong. What more could you want?  If you’re a reader, ask for me if you don’t see me so that I can meet you.  Maybe I’ll sneak you a free drink if that pigeon-loving, whip-cracking son of a mother doesn’t catch me doing it.

4.  It’s Monday.  Good day for a good cry.  Reader Emily linked me to these beautifully photographed photos of Kelly Frey and her husband Jason. Here’s a reminder why the photos are so heart-wrenching.  Still praying for that miracle.

5.  From Steely McStupid. HAH!:

Love it.

6.  If you haven’t commented yet to be entered to win Steelers tickets, go do it.  Also, I’ve got another giveaway happening in October. One lucky winner is winning several awesome prizes.

7. Ruth Ann Daily says “We are ready!”

8. We are also ready to close up shop. Take a look at the latest list of schools, cultural centers, businesses, etc. that are closing for the G-20.

9.  The P-G (pronounced П Г in Russian [GENO!!!]) scored a sit down interview with President Obama in which he said:

“We look forward to seeing the people of Pittsburgh.”

Let’s see, 1. Luke Ravenstahl 2. Dan Onorato 3. Convention center employee 4. Hotel employee

So FOUR, he will be seeing FOUR people of Pittsburgh. Represent!

He also said:

“Mayor Ravenstahl I think has really led the charge on this. Governor Rendell has been terrific. So across the board, what you’ve seen, I think, is the best civic spirit.”

Somewhere, Dan Onorato is all, “WTF?!”

When I was at the Best of Pittsburgh Party, I spoke to a woman from the Zoo who asked if I was still having problems with the pigeon people, and I said sadly, “You know, since I’ve started writing about their ridiculous emails and making fun of their ridiculous butts, they’ve quit writing to me. Sadcakes.”

Then this bright and beautiful sunny Monday morning, A TREAT IN MY INBOX!

Dear Ms. Montanez,

I don’t know how you can say you love sick kids and hate pigeons beyond imagination.  Love is love, whether for innocent kids or innocent birds. I can only presume that what you have is a phobia, and you should look inside yourself for the answer to that problem, or else seek conselling. Either way, I would urge you to stop dishing out your psychosis on the public. It is offensive and disgusting to those who love all forms of innocent life.

Yours sincerely,

Teresa.

Lucky for me, my WordPress is a complete snitch that will tell me from what referring site certain emailers are coming to me , and this Teresa came to me from … I can’t even type this it is so offensive … Pij ‘n’ Angels.

You don’t have to go there, I’ma  tell you what they say about me.  The good stuff:

“But to hate a pigeon so? Maybe a pigeon attacked her, or a friend or family member?? More likely it’s something petty like one pooped on her car. People can be so petty. I get the feeling some people say they hate pigeons because they have heard other people say they do, like being a member of the pigeon hating club makes them cool. This person probably thinks her writing about her hatred of pigeons makes her sound witty. I haven’t had time yet, but if anyone finds out why this person hates pigeons let me know. Maybe if this person would come to this site she’d learn a thing or two. I get the impression she’s not as smart as she thinks she is.

If you want to know why I hate pigeons, it is because they have pooped on me, divebombed me, flipped me the bird, called me nasty names, and have, on more than one occassion tried to terminate my ass. I’m not even exaggerating ONE LITTLE BIT! Also, Pigeon Hating Club does sound like a thing cool people would join. Let me know if you want in. Our song goes like this, “Pigeons suck. Pigeons suck. Pigeons SUCK!” I just made that up right now. I know.

I agree. Let’s all contact her.

Please do, so I can write about your ridiculous butts.  Also, I can’t take you seriously when your avatar is a FRICKIN’ PIGEON YOU KEEP IN YOUR HOME. Gawd.

This also from Teresa:

All the people who have anger management issues need scapegoats, and cowards prefer scapegoats that wouldn’t hurt a fly. It’s safe enough for bullies to say they hate pigeons, because they have so few official friends and protectors, and indeed many people consider them pests. That makes them a soft target for bullying cowards.  I don’t think it’s unintelligent people who hate pigeons, I think it’s damaged people who crave empowerment and exhibit gratuitous violence so long as they themselves are in no danger of getting hurt for it; in fact, they may even pick up a few equally damaged allies on the way.

Pigeons wouldn’t hurt a fly?! What the hell ever.  A pigeon would poke its own mother’s eyeballs out for a discarded french fry.

There was a pigeon trapped in a store here recently. A kid walking by said to his mother Hey there’s a pigeon! I’m going to go kick it! He probably saw that on the internet or heard it from a friend perhaps. That type of thing won’t go away on it’s own. The kid’s mother could have explained why that would have been a mean thing to do but didn’t.

Honestly, if my kid ever sees a pigeon and tries to kick it, I’ll probably buy him a donut or a cookie or maybe some new Legos.  Maybe throw myself a parade for being such a kickass mom.  I won’t let him hurt any other bird or any other animal, but yeah, have at that knowing bastard.

The best way is really to ignore or – as CNN did best – cut her off from publishing and notify the appropriate people such as blog administrators/web providers if she starts again.

The crap?! That didn’t even make sense. HELLO, I’M BLOGGING RIGHT HERE! Go ahead and tell my blog administrator. His name is Mike Woycheck. Tell him you want me fired. Go ahead. woy [at] haveagoodsandwich [dot] org.  Mike, be sure to forward those to me so I can laugh at their ridiculous butts.

Pigeon lovers, I hate pigeons. Hate them. Yes, I write about them a lot and if you hate it, that’s why we have the bloop-bloop-bloop function on this here blog. You don’t want to read it, you bloop on down to the next post or you go away.

And Burghers, you know if these people do manage to hunt me down, I will be armed with a giant bucket of roaches so that when they come up to me and I throw it at them, while they are screaming and hollering and crying “GET THEM OFF GET THEM OFF!” I will say calmly.  “It is innocent life. Love all life. Love is love.”

Stay tuned! What They’re Really Thinking will be posted around 3:00.  It will be slut-tastic!