Monthly Archives: October 2009
Ladies and Gentlemen, I submit to you the best sentence to ever appear in the Post-Gazette:
Barbara Baker, Pittsburgh Zoo & PPG Aquarium president and chief operating officer, held a news conference outside the rhino yard today to alert zoo visitors that they could be witness to some rough but “entertaining” animal sex.
Two Lukey posts in a row. I apologize.
The Post-Gazette asked the three candidates for Mayor to submit a letter of support from a supporter (which, who else would write a letter of support BUT a supporter and OMG this is the dumbest sentence I have ever written ever and I can’t stop writing it).
Kevin Acklin had his uncle write a letter, which, hee.
Dok Harris had a local entrepreneur write a letter, which, ok.
Hizzoner Master Lukey Ravenstahl had … wait for it … HIS MOTHER write a letter.
1. Here’s a tip. When you’re regularly fighting the perception that you are too young to lead a major city, having your MOM write this letter is so ill-advised that I want to meet the genius that suggested this to Lukey. I suspect it is a her. A specific her. Who shall not be named. Joanna Doven.
I could be wrong. Maybe it was the Dread Lord, which, SABOTAGE!
2. Would we have taken Dan Quayle more seriously if only he had gotten a letter of support from his Mommy?
Here’s a snippet:
I have no doubt my son was born to lead. From the time he was young, he always amazed me. Luke started walking when he was only nine months old.
Because he was walking at nine months, he was born to lead. Coincidentally, my son took his first steps late in his eighth month of life, so I expect him to one day grow up to be President of the World.
From the time he was little, Luke has known the value of money. When I would give him a dollar to go to the candy store, he didn’t waste all of it getting candy for one day, he would stretch that dollar so that he could have candy for a week. I’ve watched proudly as my son carries those same principles into running the city.
Coincidentally, my daughter likes to make her dolls fight until one of them eventually loses a head at which time my daughter will say sorrowfully, “Oh, head falled off.” I expect her to use this same principle when she’s President of the WWE or President of Future Pigeon-Assassins of America. Why isn’t that a thing?
Now, regarding the candy thing, Bram goes ballistic that it’s not possible to stretch candy for a week with a dollar because there were no candy stores around and here I am about to come to Lukey’s Mom’s defense and I can’t believe it and here I go.
When I was younger, 10-12ish (1984-1986) [sigh], my sisters and I used to regularly walk to a local candy store called “Ann’s Candy” and we would each be given a dollar from my mother along with explicit instructions that under no circumstances were we to get kidnapped or hit by a car along the way or we would be IN BIG TROUBLE, SISTER.
The store was less than a mile away and was run by a sort of scary old lady named Ann who lived above the candy store and who had a cat that sometimes roamed the shelves and boy if Cat Flu were a thing my sisters and I would be dead and I just changed my mind, THIS is the dumbest sentence I’ve ever written. Ann had shelves and bins of dirt-cheap penny candy and for one dollar, we would each get a brown sack of candy that could easily last us the whole week. I’m going to ask my sisters to corroborate this story in the comments.
So, yes, I believe Lukey’s mother on this.
I do not however believe that she thinks telling us that her son started walking at the age of nine months and that he knew how to make his candy money last, is going to convince us he’s a natural-born fiscally-responsible leader.
All this aside, I’m pretty sure my kids are going to take over the world someday.
I ought to write a letter for them.
Also, this is all for naught because the only way Lukey isn’t winning this election is if they cancel the election. True story.
Here are two images taken from campaign literature Uncle Crappy received at his home, literature produced by the state’s democratic committee, literature encouraging you to reelect Lukey to a full four-year term, literature that WANTS YOU TO DRINK …
Holy moly. They’re not even fighting it anymore.
They’ve embraced it.
Just like I’m embracing this margarita. My precious.
Many readers have sent me emails about interesting things they’ve discovered on Regretsy.com, a site dedicated to the ridiculous shit people try to sell on etsy.com, which is basically eBay for homemade stuff.
I was hunting around etsy today (BAD IDEA!) when I did a search for “Pittsburgh” and boy, did some ridiculous shit pop up, in addition to some majorly awesome things that I’m adding to my Christmas gift list (PAY ATTENTION, HONEY!).
1. This is the “Dammit Doll” which at first glance appears to be a voodoo doll for non-Pittsburgh sports fans to use to hex our teams, but in actuality it is for you to grab by the feet and smack around in rage when your black and gold team member does something stupid.
I need one of these so the next time Skippy tries to tackle with his eyes closed or the next time Benny throws an interception or the next time the Pirates are on my TV just existing, I can wail this thing against the pointy edge of a table all, “YOU SON OF A MOTHER-LOVING STINKING NO GOOD PIECE OF CRAP-POOPING KNOWING BASTARD HELLSPAWN!”
I feel better already.
That is quite possibly one of the best Pittsburgh shirts I’ve ever seen. (UPDATE: that link will show that shirt as having sold, however, the seller has already re-listed the shirt, so you can still buy it if you visit the seller’s page here.)
(Update: The necklace sold and no more are currently available. Here’s hoping someone bought if for me for Christmas … HONEY!)
4. My next office will have this badboy hanging on the wall. You can be sure of it:
1. I’m just saying that it doesn’t seem like a capital L would give someone that much difficulty.
2. I’m sorry, I can’t type right now. I’m too busy having a seizure over the fact that this seller wants $160 for an old ballcap bedazzled out the wazoo.
3. Maybe it’s the grammar of the thing. I don’t know.
I think I was expecting it to say, “Steelers rescue dogs … not cats.” or maybe “Steelers rescue dogs … and then let them eat miniature ponies.” I don’t know.
Not exactly the kind of yarn I want within five feet of my ticklish toes.
5. “Trust me. It might look like any old water, but those are real live Allegheny River ripples. It’s a fine art print! And it will only cost you $25.00!”
And the naughty.
Why don’t you just click here, okay? I wonder if it comes in XL black?
More fun stuff for you to win! Because I’m continuing my efforts to buy your love and affection!
Speaking of love and affection, now I have that stupid Nelson song in my head. You know, the one by the long-haired blond twins? The MALE long-haired blond twins? The one that goes, “I can’t live without your love and affection, I just can’t face another night on my own.”
I’m embarrassed for me.
One lucky commenter will win both of these prizes, together valued at $65.00.
1. Two tickets to the showing of your choice of the Bach Choir of Pittsburgh’s latest show … WAIT! Stop with the “Bach? Zzzzz.” stuff. Check this out:
It’s Nov. 7th at 8 pm or Nov. 8th at 4 pm at the New Hazlett. Thomas has written a choral score to Mussorgsky’s Pictures at an Exhibition and there will be artists painting original works while we sing. Art inspires music, music inspires art! We will also be singing some of Tosca and a number from Sunday in the Park with George – both also inspired by/connected with art.
I love the New Hazlett because it’s warm, inviting, and intimate. I can just imagine how that sound is going to fill that space and how awesome it will be to watch art being created alongside it. If you’re the winner, you get to choose which show you want to attend. If you’re not the winner, you can get tickets here.
2. Courtesy of my butler Mike, I’m giving away this shirt from WearPittsburgh:
I ordered this shirt in medium and Mike sent it to me in both a medium and a large, so if you win, you get the large size. Perfect for you, or perhaps as a Christmas gift for a friend.
So, to win, just leave a comment telling me the most embarrassing song on your iPod (i.e. “Love Theme From Casper the Friendly Ghost”) or the most embarrassing CD in your collection (i.e. Joshua Kadison/Painted Desert Serenade) that you still listen to on occasion.
Again, we’re not judging; we’re talking about you behind your back.
I just told you mine. They’re up there in parentheses.
Good luck! I’ll have Random Number Generator pick a winner on Friday morning.