DISCLAIMER: If you’ve never seen the movie Pretty in Pink, you aren’t going to understand any of these captions and also, you’re missing out on arguably the best John Hughes movie of all time, and he died recently, so the least you can do is show your respects and see it.
Wow. So, THE PINK! Holy crap, there was a lot of pink yesterday. Pink shoes, pink gloves, pink towels, pink hats, pink sweat bands, pink pink pink! And not the soft rosy pink, no, we’re talking a pink bordering on a bold fuchsia. Paris Hilton pink. Pink pink, if you’re Whoopi Goldberg, who by the way, can totally bite me.
In honor of all that pink pink, join me as we look at What They’re Really Thinking: Pretty in Pink Edition:
1. First, Fantasy Football wise, I got my ass handed to me to the tune of 54.87 to 144.77, and my opponent still has a kicker playing in tonight’s game. Tell me, what would it take for a kicker to earn a team negative 90 points? Is all hope lost?
2. The Steelers defense was a wonderful wonderful points-earning team member for three quarters and then they did their customary “What do you mean by ‘fourth quarter’? I know not of this fourth quarter you speak of,” bullshit.
The Steelers defense earned me a whopping 3 points last night, after my stat tracker showed them giving me 20 points at the end of the third quarter. That’s right, they lost me 17 points in one quarter. Like I said, bullshit. I have no clue what keeps distracting them late in the game, but if I had to guess, I’d say, each other.
Not gay at all.
3. Rashard Mendenhall keeps this yard-racking-up thing he’s doing and there is going to be an entire city all, “Willie Parker who? Is he in one of the Law and Order shows? CSI? Guiding Light? Keeping up with the Kardashians? WHO IS HE?”
4. The Duke of Fug and the Earl of Gross is doing his bestest to also become King of Quarterbackylonia. My goodness. 333 yards. No INTs. 2 touchdowns. 4,499 pump fakes. He can swagger all he wants today.
I almost feel bad for my years of calling him a mediocre quarterback. Almost.
5. Not having anything to do with Pretty in Pink, but I wonder, what does this guy know that no one else around him knows?
He must be psychic.
6. Skippy. Skippy Skeeve finally got tired of being slutless and did what he needed to do to make things right with Coach Tomlin, his teammates, and all of us — nail a field goal that’s longer than Santonio Holmes’ penis (DING! DONG!).
Skippy shook off his self doubt and nailed a 46-yarder when it counted and just like that, sluts galore.
I’m sure they made sure he didn’t get ugly sluts this time, but exactly the sluts he wanted:
No, that’s not from the movie, but I couldn’t resist.
Also, has Skippy Skeeve always been that stocky and beefy? My goodness, he’s a stew.
I bet with his self-confidence back, he’ll return to his usual self in no time at all:
7. So the good: Skippy, Mendenhall, Benny of Quarterbackylonia, first three quarters.
The bad: special teams, the fourth quarter, no Troysus.
What’s important is that it was an eventual happy ending, like Blaine and Andy, like Duckie and that dance floor hussy, like Steff and his weed, and like these two fans:
Oh, and like me and Jake Gyllenhaal. What? Shut up.