Four nominees for parents of the year!
1. Balloon Boy’s parents who at the very least let their six-year-old climb up to the roof unsupervised, long enough to untie a homemade giant Jiffy Pop balloon, and who at the very worst, involved their children in a publicity-seeking stunt, asking their young son to lie and forcing him to go on national television despite his pleas that he feels sick, and then watching as he pukes LIVE ON NATIONAL TELEVISION, all of this costing local taxpayers almost $30,000 in emergency services.
2. The parents of two young children on the North Side who left their 2 and 3 year-olds alone long enough for them to play with a space heater, igniting a fire that covered the two-year-old boy in second and third degree burns, requiring what will likely be a lengthy stay in the burn unit. All this in a house filled with over 50 cats roaming around in filth.
3. Or maybe this Uniontown mother who beat her 3-month-old to death with a crib rail and before that, regularly TAPED A PACIFIER TO THE BABY’S MOUTH TO MAKE HIM STOP CRYING.
4. Or maybe you’ll cast your vote for this North Side mom:
A woman was arrested Wednesday after an unttended stroller holding her 1-year-old daughter rolled into traffic on a North Side street, police said. About 1:30 p.m. Wednesday, police Officer A.J. Scarpine witnessed the stroller rolling across the 1000 block of Chestnut Street. Two cars heading in opposite directions on the street came to a screeching stop. A tan van heading north skidded slightly on Chestnut, which was wet from rain, and the vehicle’s front bumper tapped the stroller, the affidavit said. Officer Scarpine ran to the stroller and found the baby. The baby’s mother, Ms. Brown, then exited a store on Chestnut and said to the officer, “That’s my baby. What are you doing with my baby?”
When the officer explained what had just happened, Ms. Brown replied, “Well, I needed to go to the store.”
“But you left your baby outside, alone in the stroller,” Officer Scarpine told her, according to the affidavit.
“I wasn’t that long. Why you messing with me [sic],” Ms. Brown said.
Not, “OMG. I am so so sorry officer that I left my baby out here in the rain while I ran into the store, thereby allowing my baby to roll into traffic and have the stroller actually BUMPED BY THE BUMPER of a screech-halting van. I can’t believe I even thought about doing that. I am a terrible mother and I deserve what’s coming. Thank you for saving my baby!”
But instead, “What? I wasn’t in there that long, the baby is just a little damp, and the stroller was merely kissed by that van bumper, and really, why you got to be messin’ wit me?!”
They’re all so terrible, I can’t choose just one. I know! Let’s round up ALL of these parents and award them Parents of the Year award, which is really just us giving them the humiliation, beatings, and burns they’ve dished out.
We’ll put that last mother in a shopping cart in the rain and we will roll her onto Grant Street at lunch time and we’ll be all, “WHEE! Have fun out there! Ooooh. You lose, Frogger.”