Oh, Skippy.

jeff_reed

Dear Jeff Reed,

GOOD MORNING, SUNSHINE!!!!!!!!!

What do you mean “please be quiet”? I’m sorry. Am I being too loud for your hungover self? Do you want me to go away so that I don’t remind you that you were cited last night for public drunkenness mere HOURS after the close of the game?  Do you want me to just throw some cold water on your face and then walk away so that I don’t remind you that however thin the ice you were skating on already was, last night you laid a piping hot electric blanket over that ice and thinned it to such a brittle state that I’m pretty sure if you so much as flick a cigarette or a pair of the butt-floss your sluts call underwear onto it, it will send you, your sluts, and your empty bottles of Jagermeister down from your perch of “two-time Super Bowl champion kicker” and into the murky, cold, lonely depths of “Oh, weren’t you that guy that used to be somebody and haven’t I seen your pubes on the Internet recently?”

Here’s the thing, Skippy, and I’ll whisper this so as not to make you violently hurl from your hangover … standing alone, your transgressions aren’t THAT horrible.  They’re not good, but they’re not the worst thing ever.  Standing alone, beating up a paper towel dispenser, taking pictures of your nether regions in your bathroom and then Twit-Pic-ing them to some slut, being photographed wearing a tiara and a bib that reads “I [heart] dick”, drunk picture after drunk picture of you in night club after night club, that time I saw you do that thing you do at Diesel … Alone, those things make you a drunk frat-boy … but together, putting all of those things one by one into this giant pot I have here, well, this pot could sink the USS Hal Gill.

jeff_reed2

This fine sunny morning, and no, I won’t close the curtains, you need to understand, I mean REALLY come to understand three things as the Gospel truth.

1.  Here’s the thing with the Steelers, I’m not proud of it, but it appears they will put up with lots of crap so long as you’re awesome and irreplaceable, if however your job is to kick a ball between the uprights with systematic accuracy, you’re replaceable and you my friend are staring down the barrel of the “we found ourselves another kicker” gun.

2.  With your Steelers job, uniform, and paycheck, you are Jeff Reed, millionaire kicker professional athlete and the sluts will drop to their knees in front of you if you so much as wink at them (gasp!).  But once that gun goes off and terminates you and your job, you become short, stocky, tired-looking, poor, out-of-a-job Jeff Reed who couldn’t get Paris Hilton to sleep with him for all the Valtrex in the world.

3. You, sir, are most likely an alcoholic.  I say this, again, not based on one incident, but on all the incidents we’ve thrown into that big pot. You managed to be drunk enough to warrant citation just a few short hours after you left the stadium.  And what were you celebrating? The Super Bowl? AFC Championship Game? No. You got wasted because we beat the Browns. The BROWNS.  My dogs and a team of partially-trained monkeys could beat the BROWNS.

If you want to remain a Steeler, and honestly, on this morning, I’m not sure that’s even possible, your only hope is to make like Troysus.  You’ve got to become a pariah. You need to get your gross, stinky self out of that bed, and make that rank slut you’ve got there go the hell home. Get up, take a shower for the love of God, and throw away your little book of sluts because need I remind you that you HAVE A GIRLFRIEND? You need to stop drinking, stop partying, stop thinking of yourself as a football God who any woman would be lucky to hit the sack with, stop thinking you’re invincible, and START facing the truth. Your time up on that pedestal you built all by yourself using rotted wood and duct tape  is about to run out and you’re going to wake up one morning in the not too distant future, a morning much like this one, and you’re going to look in the mirror, see your naked self, your sad self, your old-looking self and you’re going to realize too late what you discarded like a used condom.

Don’t come crying to us when that happens and for the love of God, don’t frickin’ Twit-Pic it.

We’ve seen it already and we’re not impressed.

Yours,

Me.





132 Comments


  1. JenOH
    October 19, 2009 4:14 pm

    Ginny is hilarious. Jeff Reed is disgusting and needs help. Enough said.



  2. SpudMom
    October 19, 2009 4:16 pm

    @butcher’s dog – LOVE the Into The Woods reference!



  3. Vivian formerly NYLuvs Pitts
    October 19, 2009 4:23 pm

    Holy Sheetz!!!! This is getting good. Allyson took it to another level.



  4. RIZZO
    October 19, 2009 4:40 pm

    My thoughts when I first heard this story today.
    1st: Holy shit Skippy you’re still an idiot.
    2nd: Oh man, I can’t wait to read Ginny!
    You never disappoint!



  5. La Reina
    October 19, 2009 4:56 pm

    NotChurch: no bitterness, nothing personal, not even close to hostile.



  6. Steeler_tom
    October 19, 2009 5:01 pm

    Ok here it is. Reed is an alchy. No disputing that. Now does he deserve to be fired? Depends on how you look at it. Let’s say you are a business owner, if you had an employee who has run-ins with the law, how long are you going to keep him (or her) Does the business stake it’s reputation on how employees conduct themselves? You bet. Now say you have an employee who shows up to work smelling like a brewery, how many times do you tolerate it? After you lose a customer? A game? Somthing drastic has to happen. How about the value of the employee? Is the employee worth intervening? What is it going to take? What is the investment? Allyson, get a grip. This dude needs some serious help. Who in their right mind braces his fists to a figure of authority? Some pathetic drunk is who, someone who is in serious need of some help, intervention, jail time, what every. I’m a diehard steeler fan, but would like to see Reed dropped like a bad habit. Anyone else remember Bam Morris?
    I demand excellence from the Steelers, I EXPECT it. If it doesn’t happen, Then yes I have every right to be critical. Even if it’s something in their personal lives, respect for some of the other jokers on the team? I don’t think so. and yes I’d rather see us lose every game with a bunch of class guys, than be winners with the real effin losers.



  7. Jen Bailie
    October 19, 2009 5:44 pm

    Ginny, this was an amazing letter full of awesome advice. Keep on keepin’ on.



  8. tat2dsteelergal
    October 19, 2009 5:58 pm

    Thinks “NotChurch” needs to STFU. It’s a blog. One of the funniest ones I’ve seen. Go play your xbox and let us enjoy it. Actually…maybe Skippy will play with you. I’m fairly certain his username is SkippySluts6969, look him up. Hostile enough for you?



  9. Beth
    October 19, 2009 6:02 pm

    IMO, if you’re a 30 year old man, and you’re still getting hammered, beating up paper towel dispensers and trying to fight with the cops, you’re an idiot and you need to grow up…whether you play for the Steelers or not.



  10. Cassie
    October 19, 2009 6:07 pm

    Seriously? Why give Ginny a hard time? She writes a blog for fun and in her free time. She doesn’t make any money. Why the hostility? An opinion is an opinion and you should keep yours to yourself.



  11. NotChurch
    October 19, 2009 6:28 pm

    tat2dsteelergal – no not really. Meet you down federal street at the bucket. Now there’s hostile. Really not necessary – I enjoy it here too. Must be a full moon.



  12. steelersfan
    October 19, 2009 6:30 pm

    LMAO … its embarassing to say that my wife to say my wife has me reading this blog daily. Kudos for a great rant (again) and skippy, remember these days pal because your days are freaking numbered in the burgh.



  13. Bojack
    October 19, 2009 6:47 pm

    Whatever happened to innocent until proven guilty??

    He was simply helpin’ a brother out!! LMAO

    Pgh cops are still in their “Shit!!, I didn’t even get to abuse one damn G20 hippie!! Those subs from Chicago got all the fun!!” mode!!

    Kudos to Bucdaddy #12 for tellin’ it!!

    I expect it from the women but I didn’t realize there were soo many male “church-ladies” here!! Get over it! He had a few beers!…OK, a few times….
    Y’all ever hear, read, find out about the exploits in Miami the NIGHT before SuperBowl X?? Please!!!!

    Bojack wishes Dana Carvey could get Jeff & Ben on the sofa for a SNL moment!!! Now THAT’S CHURCH!!!! :-)



  14. Amy
    October 19, 2009 6:56 pm

    The last time I posted (when he missed the FGs, I said “Maybe he didn’t drink enough?”. AHA! BRILLIANT! So you see, it wasn’t merely hours after the game- he started drinking days ago, for breakfast, through the pre-game warmups, throughout the entire game (he made the FGs, didn’t he?!) which means he was light years ahead of Spaeth and ready for some action! Skippy won’t get kicked off the team, at least not yet. If and when he starts missing those FGs again, then he may need to start worrying. But as long as he keeps drinkin, he should be golden!



  15. NW Joe
    October 19, 2009 6:57 pm

    How does anyone know if Reed is an alcoholic? He was with his parents. By saying he is an alcoholic, you are implicitly saying his parents are enablers. Without knowing Reed or his parents personally, these are pretty strong statements.

    With that said, he obviously doesn’t handle his liquor well. Once is accident, twice is a trend.



  16. Scott
    October 19, 2009 7:01 pm

    Preach it, Sister!

    That’s Church – Amen!



  17. TheJim
    October 19, 2009 7:15 pm

    Kickers have notoriously short shelf-lives (lifes?) in the NFL. Miss a few more kicks and he’s off on the Goodship Crackwhore, never to be heard from again, replaced by some stud kid right out of college that makes half as much money.



  18. unsatisfied
    October 19, 2009 8:30 pm

    people, c’mon. what do you expect from a guy who wears an “I [heart] dick” bib?



  19. bucdaddy
    October 19, 2009 9:13 pm

    Erin Says:
    October 19th, 2009 at 12:21 pm

    Preach it. The Rooneys put up with all kinds of aberrant behavior that would, at least, get the rest of us fired from our jobs. Didn’t that assistant coach who emailed his porn to everyone in the NFL office keep his job? Why look! Larry Zierlein is still an offensive line coach (note lack of hyphenation).

    Asshat, Skippy, the headless quarterback, Harrison … and we make fun of the Bengals.



  20. bucdaddy
    October 19, 2009 9:16 pm

    Also, God help me if I ever mistakenly express a contrary opinion on here, you’ll all suggest it’s because I want Jeff Reed’s dong up my where it doesn’t belong. Ya’ll a bunch of vicious MFers sometimes.



  21. Dash
    October 19, 2009 9:21 pm

    My first draft of this wound up being almost as long as Ginny’s article. So instead I’m just going to say Jeff isn’t going anywhere. He is a better kicker than 80% of the kickers out there, and that’s the bottom line. If he has more games where he blows good kicks, the Steelers might get rid of him (and the organization will probably say that it was in part because of these incidents) but as long as he keeps kicking well, he’ll be staying in Pittsburgh.



  22. Linda Jordan Platt
    October 20, 2009 8:52 am

    For some perspectives on how the team, past and present, responds to bad behavior: Back in the 70s, part of the Steel Curtain was a dude named Ernie Holmes who once tried to shoot down a helicopter. Compared to Holmes, Skippy is just a garden-variety frat boy drunk, 21st century model, complete with cell phone.

    Don’t forget that star receiver Plaxico Burress was not offered the kind of big-time contract that his talents might have warranted, and now we seem him heading off for prison. My guess is that the Steelers wait out the learning curve common young men in their twenties who find themselves millionaires right out of college. In the decision about whether to re-sign Burress, they look to see if the knuckleheadedness has been replaced by the good sense not to do things that get you in the paper. So one or two incidents early on are warning signs that thing need to change. But a 30 year-old who is bringing this kind of attention to the franchise? Either he shapes up, in a big way, and publicly, or he won’t be back. That doesn’t mean he won’t be signed by another team, just that his shot at four or five more years here will be over.



  23. toni
    October 20, 2009 8:57 am

    Somebody better send Allyson some Midol and migraine medication…Ron Cook’s column today in the PPG basically sez everything Ginny did in here. So much for the rest of you who thinks she’s bitter.

    “Reed’s latest incident an embarrassment to Steelers” :

    http://www.post-gazette.com/pg/09293/1006802-66.stm?cmpid=HBEHTML



  24. Jmat
    October 20, 2009 9:31 am

    Skippy is the teams new Ass Hat. Our liquored up kicker that can’t keep his mouth shut.

    Where have I heard that before?



  25. unsatisfied
    October 20, 2009 10:35 am

    one question: why isn’t matt spaeth getting some guff on this?

    I mean, the beatup on skippy is warranted.

    but, shouldn’t the “I’m not heath miller and never will be” TE get some thrown his way as well?



  26. bucdaddy
    October 20, 2009 11:13 am

    This line in the Cook piece is funny:

    The damage to his reputation and the team’s already had been done, even if his case still must be resolved in the legal system.

    “His reputation”? There’s nowhere for it to go but up. The only thing that could “damage” Skippy’s reputation is if he joined a monastery.

    Cook’s a terrible columnist, BTW, but most of you probably knew that.



  27. toni
    October 20, 2009 12:11 pm

    Spaeth isn’t so much getting a free pass as much as it’s the first time we’ve heard of his misbehaving. Plus he’s one of Ginny’s self-appointed husbands and I think she’ll get him under control after Coach Tomlin has the “talk” with him.

    Reed the foul dwarf slut chaser tho has had his name not to mention his partying/pubes/sluts/tiara wearing self screaming for attention for a much longer time.

    Not to mention Spaeth did NOT get arrested for going with the flow and Reed was.



  28. Jillian
    October 20, 2009 3:01 pm

    I’m not one to judge good old fashioned stupidity, alcohol related or not…but the fact that kills me is that his dad was sitting in the car next to him. I mean really. Acting like an idiot is one thing…..but in front of your parents? Have you no shame?



  29. PittCheMBA
    October 20, 2009 7:08 pm

    It is difficult not to notice, but Skippy must shave/wax his body hair.



  30. Team Allyson
    October 20, 2009 9:34 pm

    I admit I too was ready to jump on the bash Allyson bandwagon but then after reading all of the comments that were posted about Allyson I am on “Team Allyson.” I do not agree with Jeff Reed’s actions and do think that he deserves some type of punishment but as to go as far as to say he shouldnt be a Steeler anymore is too much. We would not have 6 super bowl trophies if it werent primarily for Holmes and if memory serves me right he too has been quite the troublemaker. Yet, no one mentioned that when he caught the ball that eventually led us to winning. I think those of you that have insulted Allyson making crude comments should be disgusted of yourselves. I give Allyson props for standing up for what she believes in and voicing her opinion. So what if Jeff Reed has a DD when he goes out. That right there shows he is responsible and for all we know he could be at home watching movies the rest of the time doing nothing. So I agree with Allyson about not judging people until you know them. Reed is a valuable clutch player and I hope that he does get past this and will continue to win more games for us. So bring on the bashing since Im Team Allyson bc I really dont care. It just shows how small minded you all are. That was a judgement….doesnt feel too good does it?



  31. justagirl
    October 21, 2009 9:23 am

    1. Having a DD every time you go out drinking is something everyone should do. That doesn’t automatically mean you’re a responsible person, though. You also need to curb your drinking enough to maintain control.

    2. If the reports are accurate, Skippy acted like an idiot. Even if only his side of the reports are accurate, he made some really bad decisions. When drunk, do not get out of a car to argue with police who are issuing your friend a deserved citation. I guarantee it will not go well.

    3. In the grand scheme of things, I do agree that his infractions so far are fairly minor. That’s where they better stop, I think. And yes, I suspect that a good many Steeler fans have some similar stupid decisions to their credit but are still pointing fingers at Reed, as Sooska says. It’s usually easier to see in someone else that you think should be a role model. That said, a good number of us have managed not to go out, get drunk, and do stupid things. It’s not really all that difficult to avoid. So it’s not really fair to say people can’t criticize him for his actions.

    4. I think the Steelers care more about character than most other NFL teams, but I do think winning is most important to them. Unless the players commit fairly egregious crimes, if the Steelers thought they’d win with them and lose without them, they’d keep that player. That includes Reed.

    5. It was a little disturbing to read all the “You disagree with me, therefore YOU must want to sleep with Jeff Reed!” accusations. Can’t we all just disagree and leave his dong out of it? You’re all scarring me for life. *shudders*