Oh, Skippy.

jeff_reed

Dear Jeff Reed,

GOOD MORNING, SUNSHINE!!!!!!!!!

What do you mean “please be quiet”? I’m sorry. Am I being too loud for your hungover self? Do you want me to go away so that I don’t remind you that you were cited last night for public drunkenness mere HOURS after the close of the game?  Do you want me to just throw some cold water on your face and then walk away so that I don’t remind you that however thin the ice you were skating on already was, last night you laid a piping hot electric blanket over that ice and thinned it to such a brittle state that I’m pretty sure if you so much as flick a cigarette or a pair of the butt-floss your sluts call underwear onto it, it will send you, your sluts, and your empty bottles of Jagermeister down from your perch of “two-time Super Bowl champion kicker” and into the murky, cold, lonely depths of “Oh, weren’t you that guy that used to be somebody and haven’t I seen your pubes on the Internet recently?”

Here’s the thing, Skippy, and I’ll whisper this so as not to make you violently hurl from your hangover … standing alone, your transgressions aren’t THAT horrible.  They’re not good, but they’re not the worst thing ever.  Standing alone, beating up a paper towel dispenser, taking pictures of your nether regions in your bathroom and then Twit-Pic-ing them to some slut, being photographed wearing a tiara and a bib that reads “I [heart] dick”, drunk picture after drunk picture of you in night club after night club, that time I saw you do that thing you do at Diesel … Alone, those things make you a drunk frat-boy … but together, putting all of those things one by one into this giant pot I have here, well, this pot could sink the USS Hal Gill.

jeff_reed2

This fine sunny morning, and no, I won’t close the curtains, you need to understand, I mean REALLY come to understand three things as the Gospel truth.

1.  Here’s the thing with the Steelers, I’m not proud of it, but it appears they will put up with lots of crap so long as you’re awesome and irreplaceable, if however your job is to kick a ball between the uprights with systematic accuracy, you’re replaceable and you my friend are staring down the barrel of the “we found ourselves another kicker” gun.

2.  With your Steelers job, uniform, and paycheck, you are Jeff Reed, millionaire kicker professional athlete and the sluts will drop to their knees in front of you if you so much as wink at them (gasp!).  But once that gun goes off and terminates you and your job, you become short, stocky, tired-looking, poor, out-of-a-job Jeff Reed who couldn’t get Paris Hilton to sleep with him for all the Valtrex in the world.

3. You, sir, are most likely an alcoholic.  I say this, again, not based on one incident, but on all the incidents we’ve thrown into that big pot. You managed to be drunk enough to warrant citation just a few short hours after you left the stadium.  And what were you celebrating? The Super Bowl? AFC Championship Game? No. You got wasted because we beat the Browns. The BROWNS.  My dogs and a team of partially-trained monkeys could beat the BROWNS.

If you want to remain a Steeler, and honestly, on this morning, I’m not sure that’s even possible, your only hope is to make like Troysus.  You’ve got to become a pariah. You need to get your gross, stinky self out of that bed, and make that rank slut you’ve got there go the hell home. Get up, take a shower for the love of God, and throw away your little book of sluts because need I remind you that you HAVE A GIRLFRIEND? You need to stop drinking, stop partying, stop thinking of yourself as a football God who any woman would be lucky to hit the sack with, stop thinking you’re invincible, and START facing the truth. Your time up on that pedestal you built all by yourself using rotted wood and duct tape  is about to run out and you’re going to wake up one morning in the not too distant future, a morning much like this one, and you’re going to look in the mirror, see your naked self, your sad self, your old-looking self and you’re going to realize too late what you discarded like a used condom.

Don’t come crying to us when that happens and for the love of God, don’t frickin’ Twit-Pic it.

We’ve seen it already and we’re not impressed.

Yours,

Me.





132 Comments


  1. PittinDC
    October 19, 2009 11:35 am

    Allyson, I think the issue is that he has made multiple mistakes and he never seems to feel bad about his behavior. Of course people make mistakes, and of course people do bad things from time to time. But when you keep acting like an idiot, people are going to get upset about it. I think its only fair that we (because in some ways, Ginny speaks for us all) call out the people that represent our city when they continuously act like idiots in the public eye. No one is saying they are a saint; Ginny is merely pointing out the continued stupidity that needs to be addressed.



  2. malbrec92
    October 19, 2009 11:38 am

    Yeah, Ginny. Could you please comment on more important world matters? I love coming to a humor column to read about Afghanistan, climate change, and the state of healthcare in the United States. Brightens my day. Thanks, Allyson, for making such an important point.



  3. Steverino
    October 19, 2009 11:38 am

    No Allyson, we haven’t all done stupid things while intoxicated. Alcoholics do stupid things when they’re intoxicated. Most of us know when to stop drinking before we get poop-faced drunk in public. And why in the world would anyone ever want to “get” with this loser? (Other than the money, of course, but we all know what kind of women those are).



  4. butcher's dog
    October 19, 2009 11:40 am

    Ginny’s letter to Jeff Reed is just the latest in a long line of examples of why I love her with my whole retired-English-teacher heart and soul. Poetry.

    And an observation: went to NYC to see some shows and stayed in the Hotel Pennsylvania. Toilet seat lid had the name of the manufacturer on it. Church. So in Pittsburgh we get the letter and other good stuff (Allyson…what color is the sky on the planet you come from?) and in NYC they get something to cover the crapper. Just sayin’.

    Also, while there in Battery Park we saw a land-based rat vying with all the winged ones for forage. And the densest collection of winged rats were in Central Park near the horse droppings. Just a fun fact for all you pigeon-huggers there.

    Church, Ginny. You go girl!



  5. mfj
    October 19, 2009 11:52 am

    You guys don’t know the whole story. I have it on pretty good authority that he was drinking heavy because of the run-in he had with the paper towel dispenser in the men’s room there. It said to him: “My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.”
    That would rattle anyone.



  6. MrsGJG
    October 19, 2009 11:58 am

    Poor Skippy. He posts ONE set of pube-tacular cell-phone pics… wears ONE I <3 Dick baby bib… annihilates ONE Sheetz paper towel dispenser, and you guys are all over him.

    For shame.



  7. Mark
    October 19, 2009 12:01 pm

    …..and that’s why he’s called ‘The Liquor Kicker….



  8. Allyson
    October 19, 2009 12:02 pm

    How do you know he doesnt feel bad for what he has done? Have you spoken to him? I have met him on numerous occasions and hung out with him and each time he was polite and generous and a lot of fun to be around. He was not falling over drunk or acting out. He is close with his family and comes from a good family. We do not know what he is dealing with off the field so we should not judge. Too quickly we make judgements before knowing the story. I do not agree with what he did but at the same time I do not think he should be getting ridiculed the way he is. There are plenty of people in the “limelight” who do things and they are excused because of who they are. I think people are focusing on Jeff Reed because he is a little different and is an individual. Why dont you talk about all the charities he is involved in or the events he does or anything like that instead of focusing on the negative??!! You dont because that wouldnt be newsworthy and wouldnt generate as many posts so instead you focus on the negative. Like I stated before there are better things to worry about and maybe you should focus on yourself and not the lives of others so much.



  9. houndogg
    October 19, 2009 12:04 pm

    there is just SO much to say, but all i can say is, you over-privileged ass!!!



  10. SpudMom
    October 19, 2009 12:07 pm

    Anyone else think Allyson is Skippy Skeeve?



  11. AtlPitt
    October 19, 2009 12:10 pm

    @skoosa- There is an enormous difference between Jeff Reed and the average Steelers fan and that is that he accepted along with his big fat salary a responsibility as a public figure to uphold the values of the team and community, to be a model for what kids should shoot for and a representative of what Pittsburgh is at its finest- an honest, hardworking town of kind, generous people who love their Steelers. His big paycheck has more to do with that public figure status than what he does on any given Sunday.
    We aren’t the Ravens and we aren’t the Raiders. This kind of garbage is no more acceptable than Cedric Wilson slapping around a woman. He doesn’t just represent the Southwestern PA region, he represents the entire Steelers Nation which is alive and well in every glorious state in this country. If he can’t behave the way we demand, then I say show him the door and find some other golden legged kicking prodigy that can get the ball between the uprights and move on.



  12. PittinDC
    October 19, 2009 12:11 pm

    Well, its 3 pm, and I’m assuming that someone would have woken Reed from his hungover stupor by now, and the PG doesn’t have “Jeff Reed Apologizes for Being an Ass Once Again” as a headline, so I’m guessing he doesn’t feel THAT bad about it. Just becuase he was nice doesn’t mean he’s allowed to act like an idiot all of the time.



  13. Chris T
    October 19, 2009 12:14 pm

    So now we see who really wanted to ‘get’ with him.



  14. Steverino
    October 19, 2009 12:14 pm

    He may do a lot of charity work and be a nice person when he’s not drunk. But he’s a 30-year-old grown up man who has acted irresponsibly not once but twice since summer. And both times involved alcohol and violence. He’s got a problem. Should we wait until he kills someone driving drunk? In his capacity as a representative for the Steelers, and, by extension, this city, he needs to straighten his act up. We seem to always let it pass because these guys are sports “heroes” and they’re under a lot of pressure, etc. Too bad. He knew what the name of the game was going into this, what was expected of him in exchange for the millions we pay him. He’s got plenty of time to act like an idiot and booze it up day and night if he wants after his sports career is over and young kids don’t idolize him like some god anymore.



  15. Stacey
    October 19, 2009 12:14 pm

    @Spudmom ~ I was JUST thinking the same thing! lmao. Some people’s kids….



  16. SportyGal85
    October 19, 2009 12:16 pm

    @SpudMom, I don’t think she is Skippy, but I do think she knows him though…maybe she’s his girlfriend, lol.



  17. SpudMom
    October 19, 2009 12:18 pm

    Ahhh! The elusive girlfriend who forgives any and all one night stands!



  18. NeedChocolate
    October 19, 2009 12:18 pm

    feeling “crazy” I switched up my daily routine of checking the PG site, then CNN, then here. I went to CNN first. And what did I see, “WPXI: NFL kicker cited outside bar” FML Jeff Reed, what did you do now?!?!

    Thank you. Thank you, for this. Thank you for saying in an even funnier way than I could ever imagine, all the things that we’ve all been thinking.

    #3 – Left me dying…”You, sir, are most likely an alcoholic…And what were you celebrating? The Super Bowl? AFC Championship Game? No. You got wasted because we beat the Browns. The BROWNS.” CHURCH!

    (seriously…he REALLY has a girlfriend?!)



  19. Allyson is Not My Mentor
    October 19, 2009 12:18 pm

    I love when the token “You don’t know the whole story – don’t judge” person shows up in a post like this.



  20. TheBurghDude
    October 19, 2009 12:19 pm

    HA! Allyson is one of the skeeves! Nuff said.



  21. toni
    October 19, 2009 12:20 pm

    Talkin about boorish behavior…I love the fact that the Jeff Reed column is right above a tanked looking Lukey dropping the “F” bomb column. Immature ass pot meet immature ass kettle.

    Allyson, get over your self righteous self…you’re starting to sound like a Skippy Skeeve slut.



  22. Erin
    October 19, 2009 12:21 pm

    I’m sure I’m not misremembering that there WAS a time when the Rooneys didn’t put up with any kind of poor off-the-field behavior. It was one of the things that made me proud of the Steelers. Now we have multiple DV incidents (Santonio Holmes in addition to James Harrison), Ben’s motorcylce dumbass-ness, and now this. It makes me lose a little bit of respect for the Rooneys.



  23. Allyson
    October 19, 2009 12:23 pm

    I have no desire to “get” with him. Im not shallow like the rest of you seem to be and I dont judge people until I get to know them and I also treat them how they have treated me and each time we hung out he was great and his girlfriend was also very nice. I just hope that the next time any of you makes a fool of yourself and it will happen that you will take a step back and think about this because we all make mistakes. I have not once agreed with his actions because I do think that he needs to shape up but I am saying that you shouldnt judge someone until you have walked in their shoes. I am open minded. Btw he has a DD when he goes out. His sister usually drives him or picks him up. I am also done with all of this because I have better things to do with my time and it’s not up to me to try to change the mind of those that are close minded and judgemental.



  24. Stacey
    October 19, 2009 12:23 pm

    Allyson – before you get your panties in any tighter of a bunch than they already are … a word of advice….. If you don’t like it…..DON’T READ IT!!!! Pretty simple!



  25. lmmlaw
    October 19, 2009 12:24 pm

    First, the description of the events is freaking HILARIOUS! Skippy running to the defense of Matt Spaeth (6’7″ 270lbs)!!!!

    “Police had been dispatched to the 200 block of North Shore Drive for an unrelated incident when the responding officers noticed a man, later identified as Steelers tight end Matthew Spaeth, urinating outside a large, white SUV parked nearby.

    The officer went to Mr. Spaeth to issue a citation when, police said, the Steelers kicker got out of the vehicle.

    He refused to get back into the vehicle, which was driven by his father. Instead, Mr. Reed put up his fists and got “into a fighters stance,” according to a police affidavit.

    The confrontation was swift as one officer put Mr. Reed in an arm lock while a second officer forced him to the ground.

    Mr. Reed continued to resist as the officers struggled to get his hands behind him to be put in cuffs, the affidavit said.

    Police said the kicker smelled strongly of alcohol and he appeared to be intoxicated.”

    Second, we don’t have to worry about knowing what Skippy did or didn’t feel because per his highly qualified agent, it WASN’T HIS FAULT ANYWAY!

    “Mr. Reed’s Atlanta-based agent, Don Henderson, said that his client was wrongfully detained. “We’re contesting it,” Mr. Henderson said. “It involved somebody else on the team, he got out to try to help and basically got attacked by the police. He was with his parents. He got out and tried to help and evidently they didn’t want to hear that. We’re definitely going to contest it. It was somebody else trying to do something and Jeff ended up getting slammed in the middle.”



  26. Christine
    October 19, 2009 12:24 pm

    Allyson, are you his girlfriend or his mother?

    He is a big boy or little boy depending on the pictures you have seen, who acted like a complete ass numerous times. He is a kicker in the NFL! Do you know how many guys would kill to have his job? He needs to grow up. He should be held respsonsible for his actions.



  27. Greg
    October 19, 2009 12:26 pm

    at the end of the day…. Reed didn’t kill anyone (*cough-Donté Stallworth-Ray Lewis-OJ-cough*)or manage a dog fighting ring (*cough-Michael Vick).

    But, there does seem to be a pattern here… I wouldn’t want to have to add him to the list…



  28. Allyson is Not My Mentor
    October 19, 2009 12:27 pm

    Allyson said: I dont judge people until I get to know them…

    Get over yourself. What are you doing to the people in the comments right now? Maybe you should get to know us first before hinting we’re shallow, judgmental, etc.

    What a hypocrite.



  29. Ug Lee
    October 19, 2009 12:29 pm

    “That maybe you tried to get with Jeff Reed and he denied you so here you are bashing him.”

    I’m pretty sure no self-respecting girl would go anywhere near Skippy. Not even if he was throwing $100 bills.



  30. Christine
    October 19, 2009 12:29 pm

    He has a designated driver all the time? That doesn’t send up a red flag that the guy has a problem?



  31. toni
    October 19, 2009 12:40 pm

    http://www.post-gazette.com/pg/09292/1006696-100.stm

    Story now on the PPG along with the fact that the NFL will be investigating the incident. I think we should send Allyson to talk to Goodell.



  32. Allyson spreads her legs for Jeff
    October 19, 2009 12:42 pm

    Allyson, are you now feeling remorse for posting your lovers picture he sent you? Admit it, you were showing the pictures to your friends and you just had to boast who you slept with and you sent the pictures to your friends. You can admit it, I know you are reading this.



  33. Tom
    October 19, 2009 12:43 pm

    My favorite parts of this story.

    1) Car was being driven by his dad. “Get in the car, son.” “Dad!” “I mean it mister; get in here.” “Dad!”

    2) If Reed could tackle as well as those cops did, maybe Cribbs wouldn’t have scored Sunday.

    3) After taking a “put up your dukes” stance against a group of cops and being wrestled to the ground, Reed’s agent claims that his client “was wrongfully detained.” Lawyers.



  34. Tom
    October 19, 2009 12:44 pm

    And all of this went on as Matt Spaeth was creating Pittsburgh’s fourth river??



  35. Carson Street Observer
    October 19, 2009 12:54 pm

    Alright… do this: Google Image search “Jeff Reed” (and make sure to adjust your filter so that you aren’t only looking through the rose colored glasses and just getting the safe images) See what comes up.

    Make sure your boss or children aren’t standing behind you. Just search “Jeff Reed,” Nothing else.
    Not “Jeff Reed drunk”
    Not “Jeff Reed party”
    Not “Jeff Reed grabbing a skank, howling like a wolf while wearing a diaper and pretending to be a werewolf”

    And… ANYONE, and I mean ANYONE that manages to land on a website like “Hot Chicks with Douchebags” has already been labelled. Just sayin’.

    And what a fun conversation his dad must have had with him after the incident last night, too.

    Jeff’s Dad: “So, what’s new?”
    Jeff: “Not much… put my dukes up to a Pittsburgh Cop, got slammed, charged with a few things… I think it’ll be in the paper tomorrow.”
    Jeff’s Dad: “Oh. Hey! Meant to ask you… are you endorsing any sort of shaving products now… because… umm….I saw… uh..”
    Jeff: “Nair”
    Jeff’s Dad: “… well, Jeff… I…”
    Jeff: “No bumps Dad, it’s better that way”
    Jeff’s Dad: “Holy F*ck”
    Jeff: “I know, right?!”
    Jeff’s Dad: (silence)
    Jeff: “MTO? Sheetz in Wexford is open. Cool? Dad?”



  36. TheBurghDude
    October 19, 2009 12:59 pm

    @Allyson. Hun if you REALLY cared you wouldn’t be defending him on some silly blog. The AA website is just up the interweb. Its not an isolated incident but a pattern of behavior. Sorry we expect our team to be above random bar room behavior. For $1000000’s just don’t be an asshat. Not that hard. No one here has a problem with having a good time. But raise your hand if you’ve been arrested in the process. Let alone 2x in a short number of months. Anyone? Buehler??



  37. Emilie
    October 19, 2009 1:10 pm

    Jeff Reed – really? And in front of your parents? Double yoi! I mean, my parents have seen me intoxicated once or twice – but I’m pretty sure I never got into a fighting stance ready to take on a cop for issuing a citation to my friend who was illegally peeing in public. Smooth.



  38. Kelly
    October 19, 2009 1:33 pm

    Damn Ginny, you lay down the law. I bet you’re an AWESOME Mom.

    And it sounds like Jeffie needs one!



  39. Linda
    October 19, 2009 1:44 pm

    Allyson: I think Jeffy will be involved in a lot more charities, as in “community service”.



  40. hellpellet
    October 19, 2009 1:45 pm

    Dude, thanks for covering up his naughty bits in the 2nd photo. It’s hardly palatable the way it is, I can’t imagine what it’d be like without the photoshop action.

    I think I’m gonna hurl anyway. And I’m not even drunk.



  41. Sooska
    October 19, 2009 1:53 pm

    @AtlPitt -Kool Aid much? Steeler Nation doesn’t get drunk? give me a break I have seen it first hand in huge numbers for many years.
    If you are using any Steeler as a role model for anything other than athletic skill or a work out routine then that is wrong. wrong. The Steelers aren’t saints and neither are the Rooneys, who only tolerate winners. You are conveniently forgetting the other escapades that the Rooneys ignored (James Harrison anyone? Santonio and his umpteen kids with different women, pot, etc?) Yeah right. Real upstanding. They will hide the winners when it suits them to do so and get rid of the losers, crime or bad behavior be damned.

    I was merely pointing out that every game day parking lot at Heinz Field or Penn State, every Saturday night on the South Side or Oakland have such scenes of “fun.”

    Reed wins. The Steelers will only let him go when he quits being a winner.

    Call me a cynic but that is why I never let my kids look up to any athlete for anything but his skill.

    All this histrionic hand wringing is hypocritical.



  42. malbrec92
    October 19, 2009 1:55 pm

    Thanks to Carson Street Observer, the incidence of image searches for “Jeff Reed grabbing a skank, howling like a wolf while wearing a diaper and pretending to be a werewolf” just went up by one (I admit it… anyone else?).

    Do you think there’s a google staffer laughing somewhere? Or a blog owner whose page turned up on that search? LOL.



  43. Ferd
    October 19, 2009 1:56 pm

    I’m guessing Dad, sis, Allyson and the rest of Jeff’s familiy and close personal friends and designated drivers are enabling him. Stop the insanity!



  44. Pa-pop
    October 19, 2009 1:57 pm

    1. #55-mfj: Love the quote from Princess Bride. Now, let’s have fun storming Allyson.

    2. Best part of the PG account: “The confrontation was swift…” Putting up his dukes probably didn’t seem like a smart idea when Mr. Reed was suddenly confronted with a face full of pavement. I’m hoping it wasn’t the same spot Mr. Spaeth had just vacated.

    3. Like it or not, we live in a world where there is an incredibly short distance between undecorous behavior and its publication on the internet. Virginia is justified in pointing out a disturbing pattern of conduct, regardless of who among us has “been there.” Jeffrey Montgomery Reed might do well to glance at her post and then look at himself in the mirror (hopefully while not in a Sheetz restroom).



  45. Mike
    October 19, 2009 2:26 pm

    “put up your dukes stance” He don’t have any dukes…just hoofs….Go get some rest, You have a long day of drinking and missing the @#$% out of field goals…



  46. butcher's dog
    October 19, 2009 2:46 pm

    As Little Red Ridinghood learns in “Into the Woods”, “Nice is different from good.” Here’s hoping Allyson doesn’t have to learn that lesson through personal experience. Or any of the rest of us, for that matter.



  47. NotChurch
    October 19, 2009 3:40 pm

    I’m no fan of Reed or the mayor (don’t know much about him) but you seem overly hostile. That’s church. I really enjoy your site but not when it get’s personal and seems bitter. Maybe you’ve had a run in with each. That would explain much. If so chill, if not what’s the point. Your too talented to waste space and time like this. Now pigeons – that’s a different story. You should play an xbox game called GTA when your in this mood. Killing pigeons in GTA earns bonuses but they are hard to find. Give it a try sometime.



  48. bluzdude
    October 19, 2009 3:46 pm

    I was thinking the same as in the first part of comment 75… a 6’7″ gorilla like Spaeth needs help with the cops from the Skeeve? I can just see the cops going, “Hey, who ordered a Foul Dwarf?” And ANYONE that squares off against the cops is just asking for the old “wood shampoo.” Skeeve is lucky the cop didn’t knock him into next week.

    And finally, “note to self: never get Ginny pissed at me. Thank you, self.”



  49. Bobbo
    October 19, 2009 3:56 pm

    Allyson is just jealous she can’t get Jeff Reed’s dong up her … area where cloth tampons go.

    Seriously, lighten up.

    Ginny’s our voice of reason. She speaks for so many Pittsburghers when she says stuff like this.



  50. Bram R
    October 19, 2009 4:13 pm

    Somebody needs to invite Allyson on the radio. Jeff Reed deserves a passionate and authentic defense.