Two Lukey posts in a row. I apologize.
The Post-Gazette asked the three candidates for Mayor to submit a letter of support from a supporter (which, who else would write a letter of support BUT a supporter and OMG this is the dumbest sentence I have ever written ever and I can’t stop writing it).
Kevin Acklin had his uncle write a letter, which, hee.
Dok Harris had a local entrepreneur write a letter, which, ok.
Hizzoner Master Lukey Ravenstahl had … wait for it … HIS MOTHER write a letter.
1. Here’s a tip. When you’re regularly fighting the perception that you are too young to lead a major city, having your MOM write this letter is so ill-advised that I want to meet the genius that suggested this to Lukey. I suspect it is a her. A specific her. Who shall not be named. Joanna Doven.
I could be wrong. Maybe it was the Dread Lord, which, SABOTAGE!
2. Would we have taken Dan Quayle more seriously if only he had gotten a letter of support from his Mommy?
Here’s a snippet:
I have no doubt my son was born to lead. From the time he was young, he always amazed me. Luke started walking when he was only nine months old.
Because he was walking at nine months, he was born to lead. Coincidentally, my son took his first steps late in his eighth month of life, so I expect him to one day grow up to be President of the World.
From the time he was little, Luke has known the value of money. When I would give him a dollar to go to the candy store, he didn’t waste all of it getting candy for one day, he would stretch that dollar so that he could have candy for a week. I’ve watched proudly as my son carries those same principles into running the city.
Coincidentally, my daughter likes to make her dolls fight until one of them eventually loses a head at which time my daughter will say sorrowfully, “Oh, head falled off.” I expect her to use this same principle when she’s President of the WWE or President of Future Pigeon-Assassins of America. Why isn’t that a thing?
Now, regarding the candy thing, Bram goes ballistic that it’s not possible to stretch candy for a week with a dollar because there were no candy stores around and here I am about to come to Lukey’s Mom’s defense and I can’t believe it and here I go.
When I was younger, 10-12ish (1984-1986) [sigh], my sisters and I used to regularly walk to a local candy store called “Ann’s Candy” and we would each be given a dollar from my mother along with explicit instructions that under no circumstances were we to get kidnapped or hit by a car along the way or we would be IN BIG TROUBLE, SISTER.
The store was less than a mile away and was run by a sort of scary old lady named Ann who lived above the candy store and who had a cat that sometimes roamed the shelves and boy if Cat Flu were a thing my sisters and I would be dead and I just changed my mind, THIS is the dumbest sentence I’ve ever written. Ann had shelves and bins of dirt-cheap penny candy and for one dollar, we would each get a brown sack of candy that could easily last us the whole week. I’m going to ask my sisters to corroborate this story in the comments.
So, yes, I believe Lukey’s mother on this.
I do not however believe that she thinks telling us that her son started walking at the age of nine months and that he knew how to make his candy money last, is going to convince us he’s a natural-born fiscally-responsible leader.
All this aside, I’m pretty sure my kids are going to take over the world someday.
I ought to write a letter for them.
Also, this is all for naught because the only way Lukey isn’t winning this election is if they cancel the election. True story.