Monthly Archives: October 2009

Non-Pittsburgh-related new math.

If a Glamour Shot had sex with a disco ball, what would they create?

Adam Lambert’s album cover:



1.  Do they still say “album” these days?  Oh, get off my lawn.

2. Is one of his eyes purple and the other blue?

3. I know it doesn’t have anything to do with Pittsburgh, but I couldn’t resist.

(h/t Freak Show’s Mikey)

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Random n’at.

1. Is it weird that I’m afraid of corn mazes?  Terrifying labyrinths of evil doom.  I ran into a friend at Target the other day and she told me that she, her husband and her sons were lost in the corn maze at Schramm’s Farms for an hour and a half, and I was all, “DID YOU PLAY DEAD SO THE CORN CHILDREN WOULDN’T EAT YOU?!?”  So updating the list of things that scare me, we now have clowns, scientologists, dead-eyed dolls, howler monkeys, cats, “the unknown”, and corn mazes.

2. If you have emailed me in the last month, I’M SO SORRY!  Chances are you haven’t received a reply from me yet and the reason for that is because I suck.

I was all overwhelmed because I have 500 messages in my inbox that need a response, and then iJustine tweeted that she has 25,000 messages in her inbox, so I have NOTHING to complain about.  500 is a nice cozy number and I’m going to start hacking away at it.

If I had 25,000 messages to answer, I would have an automatic response sent back to every email, saying:

“Thanks for writing with your kind words/your hate (pick one).  It really made me feel awesome/shitty (pick one).  I hope you have a great day/a pigeon poops in your coffee (pick one).  Love/Kiss my ass (pick one), Me.”

But since I only have 500, I can do a better job than that.

3.  I don’t talk about my old job much, but one of the things that I did shortly before coming out was get NEED eligible for Pittsburgh Gives.  And let me tell you, that was no walk in the park shooting pigeons, because the organizations that are eligible for matching donations through Pittsburgh Gives have gone through an extensive application process.  Starting tomorrow (or “today” if you’re reading this on Wednesday) at 10:00 a.m., your donations up to $2,500 each to a whole bunch of local charities are eligible to be matched .50 to the dollar, up until the $300,000 pool of funds is exhausted.  There’s even a special match for donations to the Carnegie Library System, if you’re so inclined.  If you’re looking to give, it’s a way to make your donation have an even bigger impact.

(h/t Stephanie)

4.  As far as parody Steelers songs go, well, this one WINS:

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(h/t Lisa)

5.  Vikings coach Brad Childress dressed in drag for the team’s flight to Pittsburgh as a “reminder to his players, which entered Sunday at 6-0, that they needed to block out pressure as they girded for a test against the Steelers.”

Apparently he wore a dress, pantyhose, a wig, and lipstick.

Somewhere, Jeff Reed just read this and said, “I’d hit it.”

(h/t John)

6.  Speaking of, here’s Jeff Reed’s billboard for that psychologist we discussed last week:

Here’s a fun game: try figuring out which of those issues Skippy Skeeve is representing … because if the answer is “Athletic Performance” … HAHAHAH!

(h/t Pittsburgh Tom)

7. Please, dear readers, stop emailing me this story because I can’t be gut punched like that every twenty minutes.

8.  Giveaway tomorrow!  Woo!

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A pop quiz


Bucco of Suckitude Andrew McCutchen, who is the least sucky player we have, was named Rookie of the Year by Baseball America, a publication I’ve never heard of before, but apparently this honor is a big big deal.

Pop quiz.

When Pirates upper management was informed that Andrew McCutchen was named Rookie of the Year by Baseball America, what was their behind-closed-doors knee-jerk Tourette’s response?

a.  “CHA-CHING!”

b. “Trade his ass for three of the shittiest pitchers you can find in Afghanistan.”

c.  “I guess we better hang on to him for at least ONE more year under the guise of ‘rebuilding’ and so the ‘fans’ don’t chase us down with pitchforks, but come 2011, CHA-CHING, BABY!”

d.  “$$$? $$$ $$$$$ $$$$, $$$$$$, $$$ $$$$$$ $$$$.  $$$$$!”

e.  All of the above.

No, those are your only choices, because I can pretty much guarantee one of those is true.

But I hope it’s not, because if ever the Pirates really truly did have a rock upon which to rebuild their team, Andrew McCutchen is it.

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What They’re Really Thinking: Depends Edition

For those of you no longer living here, NEENER NEENER NEENER, yesterday was a perfect fall day here in Pittsburgh —  blue skies, chilled air with warm sunshine, burnt red and orange leaves, pumpkin carving.

Perfect day for Steelers football.

This game, more than any other game this season, was one I REALLY REALLY wanted to win for several reasons, but the biggest of which was spoiling Granddaddy Brett Favre’s perfect season, because if there’s one thing I love, it is squashing the spirits of the elderly.

(Holy crap, I’m joking.  Please don’t email me about your grandparents.)

Let’s talk Vikings:

1.  Our defense is back and in a big way (NOT COUNTING SPECIAL TEAMS).  Thanks to our D, my fantasy football team Skippy’s Sluts earned over 33 points off of their performance alone.

Apparently, they got what they needed, which was a giant kick in the ass:

Welcome back! Now please go have a chat with Special Teams.

2.  God bless Mike Wallace for that ass-kicking touchdown, especially considering he too is on my fantasy team. However, I would like to state publicly that I could do without his flipping-into-the-end-zone showboating.  Take a lesson from Franco Harris now or take a lesson in the future from a blindside tackle at the one-yard line that causes you to fumble. Just cross the goal line and THEN have yourself a little celebration.

Speaking of showboating, would someone tell the man tied for the most dropped passes in the entire NFL that we have seen his bicep before and we don’t need him to flash it every single time he gets a first down?

And then also tell him that his porn ‘stache is the nastiest thing I’ve seen since Casey Hampton’s gaping maw of a navel.

3.  How about Jeff Reed’s failed tackle on the kickoff returned for a touchdown? How about that tremendous display of athleticism? How about next time, Jeffy, you try that tackle again but THIS time with your eyes open?

It has to be said.  Daniel Sepulveda would have PULVERIZED that guy.

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4.  First, I would like to say that seeing Granddaddy Favre sprint down the field to check on his rookie receiver after a particularly brutal hit, well, it warmed my heart. Second, I would like to say that Brett Favre is old.

5.  This game was a nail-biter and I loved it that way.  Nervous right up until Granddaddy’s final turnover, allowing us to win the game and allowing Matt Spaeth to start the celebrations early.

Also, Granddaddy, I have just the workout to help you get in better shape for your next game — guaranteed to strengthen and tone your frail body:

I know, what you’re thinking, “Who is that hot mama in the pantyhose and how can I get into those sexy sexy shorts?!”

Oh, Grandpa. Ask Jeff Reed. I’m sure he’s already been there.


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Some things for you to laugh at on this rainy Friday, and so you don’t have to look at Casey Hampton’s nekkid body anymore:

1.  Vikings versus Steelers music video:

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I don’t even where to start because THERE’S TOO DAMN MUCH!  Too much cheese, too much WTF?, too much sweet Napoleon Dynamite dance moves, too much LOLZ, too much [point and laugh].

(h/t @burckart)

2. Some What the Effies!

  • Oh, ladies …… PROJECT! Also, he can’t pass a drug test because his friends smoke so much pot. WINNER!
  • I also spank casually if you’re more comfy with that arrangement.” What does that even mean? Spanking in sweats and sneakers? And what would “formal” spanking constitute? “Jeeves! Fetch me a spot of tea and my paddle, and be quick about it, my good man.  This bitch won’t spank herself.”

3.  Raiders running back Justin Fargas believes that knowing bastardly hellspawn of Satan that played special teams for one play was actually the reincarnation of his dead teammate Marquis Cooper:

“It definitely is. It kind of gives you a different perspective on things. Yeah it was definitely a strange event seeing that bird flying out there. It seemed comfortable on the football field and comfortable lying down there literally on special teams. It very well could have been Marquis.”

I realize I should be sensitive to the fact that he’s obviously mourning his friend, but that emerging sensitivity keeps being squashed by this:

Also, if we humans are in fact reincarnated as pigeons, I am screwed because if I ever wake up on this Earth to glance down and see that I am a frickin’ pigeon, I will throw myself under a bus faster than you can say Beelzebub.

(h/t @ZPAwoman)

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