Monthly Archives: November 2009

What They’re Really Thinking: Separated at Birth Edition

What hell that we wrought?!

Whose madness is this?!

Three losses in a row?

TYLER PALKO A STEELER?!?

People are swan-diving off the bandwagon left and right.

Tonight, I had THIS conversation with my father:

Me:  Did you stay up to watch the game?

Dad: [GIANT GIANT EYEROLL]

Me:  Me too.  What horrible play-calling.

Dad:  Bruce Arians’ play-calling is completely uninspired.  Has been for ages.  The defense is the reason we won the Super Bowl.

Now, now.  I wouldn’t exactly put it like that.  I mean, hello Duke of Fug/Earl of Gross to The Asshat in the endzone in the last minute to win the game?!

This game, I would put more like this:

Yeah, that sums it up quite nicely, no?

1.  First, let’s get through some superficial PISS YOU OFF stuff.  The Ravens handed out a purple and white towel to their fans to wave during the game, did you notice?  While trolling the Baltimore Sun site for pictures of despondent Steelers fans slitting their wrists while crunching on cyanide pills, I found this little gem with these cute little comments:

  • Those obnoxious towels those pittsburgh clowns wave are ridiculous. why would we wanna be anything like that. Note to Ravens: NEVER DO THAT AGAIN!!!!
  • Towel waving is stupid, like doing the wave. Only follow the crowd types like Pittsburgh wave towels. They remind me of the little old ladies at church conventions who wave hankies as they send off missionaries. It’s just not manly.
  • Pittsburgh has their towels – fine! So why don’t we ban the swinging of the towels in M & T Stadium? If someone (aka a Steeler fan) swings one, it is confiscated.

Yes, we’re “follow the crowd types” and that’s why one day Myron Cope woke up and said, “Hell. EVERYONE is waving towels, so why don’t we start doing that?”

I hope Myron’s ghost poops in those guys’ closets tonight. Wait.  Yes, Myron has confirmed he will poop in their closets but ONLY after eating Primantis.

2.  Speaking of Ravens’ fans.  Separated at birth?

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3.  I sure do like Dennis Dixon and thought he showed some real talent.  One thing in particular that stuck out to me was that he seemed to know when to get rid of the ball before being sacked, something that has ALWAYS irritated me about the Duke of Fug and the Earl of Gross.  Thank God Dixon didn’t take any pointers from Benny.

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4.  Realizing Benny, what with his recent concussion, wasn’t giving him the best advice, Dennis must have talked to The Asshat.

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5.  How about when Dennis ran the tochdown in himself and Benny was jumping up and down and up and down on the sidelines like a fat kid trying to get picked for a team at recess?

First, Benny’s unabashed joy for Dixon, touched me.  Second, Benny … is fat.

He couldn’t be more Chunk from Goonies unless he actually ate Chunk from Goonies.

6.  A reader commented that Skippy Skeeve made a tackle, but somehow I missed it!  Never saw it!  Do you suppose I’ve become selectively blind when it comes to Skippy, refusing to see his redeeming qualities?

Nah.

7.  Speaking of a tackle, PLEASE tell me I am not the only one that saw Daniel Sepulvedanomnomnomnom chase down that Raven, lunge with all of his might, catch him around the knees and bring that son of a gross smelly bird down?  It ended up being unneccesary due to a flag, but STILL!

NOM NOM NOM!

8.  Speaking of nasty birds, what the hell is the Ravens mascot supposed to be and please phrase your answer in the form of “meth-addled penguin.”

9.  I hate Ray Lewis.  I’m sorry.  I know we shouldn’t hate and I’m sure Troysus doesn’t hate ANYBODY, but I can’t help it.  I hate him.  And did you see his post-game interview in which he talked about he and that other player touching each other?

He has lost his marbles.  Which computes:

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If you don’t get the Hungry Hungry Hippos reference, you can’t be my friend anymore.

10.  [In this point, please pretend I eloquently ripped Bruce Arians a new asshole and posted a side-by-side comparing his photo to a box of rocks or some other equally stupid inanimate object that would probably have called better, more inspired offensive plays than Bruce did, instead of the same old same old.]

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11.  After the game, Mike Tomlin said:

“We will not go gently,” Tomlin emphatically declared afterward.  “We won’t go in a shell.  We’ll go into attack mode because that’s what’s required.”

Okay, here’s the thing.  We should have been in attack mode from day one because we are the defending champions and that means everyone brings their A games to play us.

I appreciate the President Whitmore speech, but we’ve got injuries to so many of our necessary players, a locker room in turmoil because Hines Ward is a pouty poopy baby who says the dumbest thing imaginable to the national media and basically says that Ben should have played with a concussion, an increasingly failing defense, a doofus for an offensive coordinator, and special teams that are definitely special but not in the “Isn’t that SPECIAL?” way but more in the “Don’t give her scissors.  She’s, you know, SPECIAL.” way.

I’m not saying the season is lost, I’m just saying we better win next week or I really WILL be able to find pictures of cyanide-popping fans and the ghost of Myron Cope really will shit in Bruce Arians’ closet.

12. Oh, what the hell.

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Random n’at

1.  One morning about a week before Halloween, my son, who had decided to be Darth Vader, got into a heated discussion with me and his father about whether Darth Vader was good or evil.

My son, who has not yet really seen much by way of the Star Wars movies, and therefore has based his entire impression of Darth Vader on toys and commercials, refused to believe my husband and I when we explained to him that Darth Vader started out good, then became very very evil, and then ended his life with a good moment.

He wouldn’t hear it, insisting that Darth Vader was just as good as Luke Skywalker and as he presented his case (“… AND HE WEARS A VERY COOL MASK!”), my husband and I glanced over our coffee mugs at each other all, “OMG. WE ARE ARGUING WITH A SEVEN-YEAR-OLD OVER THE MORAL TURPITUDE OF A FICTIONAL CHARACTER.  IS THE SCHOOL BUS HERE YET?!”

After my son left for school, I returned to the kitchen to find he had left me and his father a note stuck to the refrigerator with a Florida magnet, something he must have scrawled quickly before leaving:

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God bless the phonetic spelling lessons given in first grade, because Dork Fader is the best thing ever.

2.  An email I received from The Mario Lemieux Foundation at about 2:00 p.m. informed me that the Make Room for Kids has secured over $1,600 in donations already.  We’re on our way!  My butler Mike is working with their people to get a tracking mechanism set up.  More soon.

3.  Another awesome way to give back this year is to the Kiss Morning Freak Show’s Stuff a Bus campaign.  I’m predicting that between awesome Burghers, Super Grover (REALLY! Super Grover stopped by today!), and Burgh Baby’s Christmas Crazy fund, they’ll fill 20 buses this year.

4.  The Pirates signed … uh, whatever, who gives a crap?  They signed some players who will inevitably make a fantastic contribution to the suck.

5.  Speaking of the Pirates, know who DOES give a crap, Bob Smizik:

According to Stark, teams like the Pirates receive about $80 million in revenue before they sell a ticket.

That’s a figure that had not previously been reported and it’s one that has to make any Pirates fan wonder where all the money is going because it’s certainly not going toward payroll.

Bob asks the Nutting family to show their books, which is like asking a nun to show her boobs.  Never going to happen.

(h/t Toni)

6.  SO many of you have sent me this link, and of course, I’m just now getting around to posting it.  Kelly Frey’s interview and follow-up in which we get to meet Baby Bennett.  Watch it here and uh, have tissues or something handy.

Or just be Brett Favre and shoot your snots across the room. That’s hot.

7.  Lots of you have also sent me this link in which the show House makes a Mike Tomlin reference:

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Now, if you’ll excuse me, typing Mike Tomlin’s name reminds me that I have a What They’re Really Thinking post to write and that I need to find lots of words that can properly express my frustration, otherwise, the post will just be one giant picture of Bruce Arians with a caption reading, “SON OF A BITCH!”

Because THAT game? Enough to make me go Dork Fader on someone’s ass.

[impressive lightsaber moves]





Here we go!

First, Saturday’s fundraiser at Las Velas was SO. MUCH. FUN.

That’s right.  Sometimes it’s more than just fun.  Sometimes it’s more than just fun in ALL CAPS.  Sometimes, it’s fun in all caps and each word gets its own period.  THAT fun.

I’m not going to lie.  I drank several margaritas for the sick kids and a shot of something called Makers (yeah, NOW I know what it is.  IT. BURNS.).  I believe at one point, MindBling was doing Shots for Tots.  That’s love.

In attendance, that I spotted were Big Bob and Mikey who brought their wives as well, Tall Cathy who brought some seriously awesome blue boots, Sally Wiggin! whose time was hijacked by my twin sisters and I’m honestly surprised that the three of them didn’t dance on the bar at some point, Scott from Scarehouse, Amy from the Callapitter blog (I. KNOW! You guys, she is amazing and I spent about 20 minutes trying to convince her to write a book.), Dave Trygar from KDKA, Jim Lokay from KDKA, and lots of Pittsburgh’s finest.

Mike Woycheck and I headed over to Altar Bar to support Ali and Jamie and OMG. White chocolate-covered pretzel sticks.  FOR THE KIDS!  That’s a win.

Here we are at the event benefiting their orphanage:

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I had so much fun talking to them about their work and I asked Jamie how long she saw herself living in Haiti, in an orphanage, especially considering she is married and that her husband lives here in Pittsburgh, and her response was, “Forever.”

Incredible.

I’d also like to say that the LOWER half of my outfit didn’t look so much like the nun-going-grocery-shopping vibe I’m giving off here.  God. I’m such a mom.

After spending some time there, we headed back to Las Velas and all in all, I am NEVER. DRINKING. AGAIN.  If you were there, I just don’t have a way to say thank you that will be sufficient to express just HOW grateful I am. I’d buy you a pony if I had the money.

My husband will give me the final totals today once he gets it all situated, but we’re looking at a Las Velas donation of above $500.

WOO!

Now, it’s your turn. You’ll see the button on the top right there.  That will take you DIRECTLY to make a donation into the Mario Lemieux Foundation’s PayPal account and you’ll notice there’s a designation written under there that says “Make Room for Kids.”

I’ll let you know when the Las Velas money goes in and we’ll be placing a tracking mechanism on the site soon so you can see how we’re doing as we work toward our goal.

Now, I want to say something to you.  I understand if you don’t have a lot of money and can’t give very much. IT IS OKAY.

I’m unemployed and my husband just started a restaurant.  If you think he and I spend our spare time rolling around naked in hundred dollar bills while wiping our tears of joy with the measly fifties, you would be VERY VERY WRONG.  We understand the struggle, especially when it’s close to Christmas and your son mutters DSi, DSi, DSi in his sleep like he’s a malfunctioning robot.

Every little bit counts!  $3, $5, $10.  Whatever you can give, we will take it and it will mean something to us and hopefully to you.

We’re doing something here that will really have a lasting impact.  Something that will not just help the kids who are in the hospital now, but also the kids who will be in the hospital in the coming years.  We’re making a difference.

I told a few readers on Saturday about my son. He was born with a cosmetic defect on one of his ears that caused it to sort of floop down.  We called it his floopy ear and we had it corrected at Children’s Hospital when he turned 5.  This meant lots of visits to Children’s before the surgery and after the surgery, and to see so many sick kids all in one place — filling the waiting rooms, being rolled around in wheelchairs by their exhausted parents, young kids completely bald from chemo, or even the worst, when my son was immediately out of surgery, he was moved into a recovery area filled with beds of sick kids who also had just come out of surgery and who were clearly in the hospital for something much worse than a floopy ear.  I don’t really know if I started crying when I entered that room because I saw my son, unconscious and lying on a gurney with his head taped up, or because of the shocking sight of all of those other kids.

That experience is a big part of why I think this is important for us to do.

You know, I guess all philanthropy really is a tiny bit selfish in some way, because helping?  Caring?  It feels damn good.

Try it.





Even more Burgh awesomeness for the kids!

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First, Saturday is promising to be a ton of fun.  Lots of Burghers are planning to attend the Make Room for Kids kickoff at Las Velas from 6-9 this Saturday, including Mikey and Big Bob from KISS Morning Freak Show on 96.1, Tall Cathy from 96.1 provided no one books her for another event (NOBODY BOOK HER!), Jim Lokay from KDKA, Sally Wiggin!, representatives from the Mario Lemieux Foundation, and more as I continue to bother local celebs.

I’m looking at you, Matt Lamanna.

And at you, Ken Rice.

And at you, David Conrad.

I hope some of you readers can come out and have dinner or a few drinks with us!  Here’s the post if you missed what I’m talking about.

Now, BIG GIANT NEWS!

We are raising $10,000 for the game room, and thanks to IKEA-Pittsburgh, Mario Lemieux Foundation will not have to use ANY of that money to buy furniture!

Because it is run by amazing people, IKEA-Pittsburgh contacted me out of the blue and offered the following:

  • Up to $5,000 in IKEA merchandise (furniture, artwork, rugs, tv consoles, etc.) to furnish the game room
  • Design services to create a fun, hip lounge feel
  • Delivery, assembly and installation services to complete the project
  • Host a fundraiser breakfast in their restaurant with proceeds going to MLF (more details on that at a future date)

Top Gun volleyball scene high-five and flip it down for a reverse low-five, Burghers!

I didn’t even have to ASK THEM!  That is how awesome they are.  They saw a way to help locally and they jumped at it.  The money is coming from their local in-kind charitable donations fund because helping children is their #1 philanthropic activity.

It is all coming together.  More details as I get them and more local celebs as I stalk them.

Oh! Is Charlie Batch traveling with the team this weekend in light of his surgery today?

If not, I’M ALSO LOOKING AT YOU, CHARLIE BATCH!

Also, if you happen to be in IKEA’s Pittsburgh location today, would you just like grab any employee you see and hug them for me?





Super Opposite Man ruins the day!

This morning I finally got around to reading my Sunday edition of the Post-Gazette and while reading the sports section, I glanced at Gerry Dulac’s NFL Forecast: Week 11.

Let’s take a look:

Steelers (6-3) at Kansas City Chiefs (2-7), 1 p.m., Sunday

The Skinny: Since the middle of the 2007 season, the Chiefs are a pitiful 4-30, a record only the Lions (3-31) can eclipse for futility. Should be a nice way for Ben Roethlisberger to spend his first game in Arrowhead Stadium.

Prediction: Steelers, 34-3

Dear Gerry, for this week’s game, please print the following:

Pittsburgh Steelers (6-4) at Baltimore Ravens (5-5), 8:20 p.m., Sunday

The Skinny: Since the Steelers are currently a giant ball of suck with a cheesecake-inhaling, recently concussed quarterback, and special teams incapable of stopping a return man even if he was a crippled turtle with the ball strapped to his shell, expect them to be decimated beyond recognition by the faster, more awesome, more fantastic Ravens.  All hope is lost.

Prediction: Ravens, 44-(2)

Then maybe, once again, the exact OPPOSITE of what you predicted will happen.

Thanks, Gerry!