He’s got legs …

Burghers, please meet your newest Bucco of Suckitude, Akinori Iwamura, a second baseman acquired from Tampa.

Researching this man in preparation for meeting him at the airport with a giant banner that says, “WELCOME TO THE SUCK!” I found this picture:


And I thought, hmm, not bad looking at all.  He could be my Asian eyecandy replacement for Byung Hyun Kim, who I sorely miss.

Then reader Carpetbagger sent me this picture of Akinori:


And I had three thoughts:

1.  We have a new contender for the Quadzilla moniker.

2.  Somewhere, LaMont Jones just gave this outfit two thumbs up.

3.  I can’t decide which song now running on repeat in my head is more annoying: “She’s got legs … and she knows how to use them.” or “We wear short shorts. If you dare wear short shorts Nair for short shorts.”

Either way, I’m poking my eyes out.


  1. Novos51
    November 4, 2009 11:26 am

    Those boots are required to be worn at all Succo’s games by good players to bring their skill level down to what is expected. There is no place in this organization for individuals to shine. In a related note the Nuttings have offered those boots in a trade to the Dodgers for Manny’s bandana.

  2. one-eyed dick
    November 4, 2009 11:33 am

    OK, watch what you say about Aki; he remains very popular down here with the Tampa fans, even after missing most of this past year with an injury and will no doubt become popular with Pirate fans due to his unassuming demeanor and his workmanlike attitude toward his craft.

    Also, IF the Buccos keep him around (a new concept, I know), I predict that he will dramatically increase attendance at PNC, since he brings his own entourage of Japanese media, translators and the like.

    And, in light of the above picture, I suspect you have opened the door to another whole segment of the population.

    Not that there’s anything wrong with that……

  3. JennyMoon
    November 4, 2009 11:36 am

    one-eyed dick…..best comment ever!

  4. SpudMom
    November 4, 2009 11:44 am

    I look at this pic and my only response is MOOBS.

  5. Jagoff
    November 4, 2009 12:00 pm

    I hope he’s not the one with the boobs.

  6. Novos51
    November 4, 2009 12:19 pm

    The one with the Moobs is the new fitness coach signed by the Nuttings. He came at a nice price. They acquired his rights from Hostess for a $200 gift card to Quaker Steak.

  7. Carpetbagger
    November 4, 2009 12:43 pm

    I only hope they are not modeling next year’s new alternative uniforms. The Parrot just threw up in his mouth a little.

  8. Uncle Crappy
    November 4, 2009 12:45 pm

    Wrong songs. How about Right Said Fred’s “I’m Too Sexy”?

  9. bucdaddy
    November 4, 2009 12:53 pm

    I’m old enough to remember (SHADDUP!!!) a time when all basketball players wore shorts that short, not “shorts” that come to midcalf. I also seem to recall the women enjoyed that, rather much.

    The boots though … I have no words for the boots.

  10. Pa-pop
    November 4, 2009 12:59 pm

    Jeeee-zuz gawd! Will someone please find an explanation for that photo? While you do, I’m going with one of these:

    1. Aki was the unwitting victim of an unvetted merchandising opportunity arranged by his agent’s assistant. It later turned out to be an extortion scheme.

    2. Aki’s next door neighbor Imitchi Quagmire convinced Aki that this is what all the dudes wear on Carson Street and that he could keep the extra pair of shorts.

    3. The photo was taken after Aki’s cousin Jussta Nokitoffa failed a Project Runway audition. Shown here on the left, he is saying, “Outfit look better on Aki, no?” And then looking back at Aki requested, “Can I haz boots?”

  11. Vivian formerly NYLuvsPitts
    November 4, 2009 1:17 pm

    “2. Somewhere, LaMont Jones just gave this outfit two thumbs up.”

    Ginny, you are killing me.

    @ SpudMom, ditto. lol

  12. Magus Patris
    November 4, 2009 1:31 pm

    Modeling North Korea’s new Summer 2010 Collection with Kim (C-Cup) Jong-Il.

  13. Pensgirl
    November 4, 2009 1:45 pm

    Quadzilla? Crosby’s legs are pointing at those puny specimens and laughing.

  14. pghgeorge
    November 4, 2009 2:18 pm

    That looks like a picture you’d see on http://www.peopleofwalmart.com

  15. jennviolet
    November 4, 2009 2:18 pm

    How about “A wake me up, before you go-go”…
    That’s all I have to say.

  16. bluzdude
    November 4, 2009 2:19 pm

    The boots are probably lined with lead, all the better to drag him down to the cellar with the rest of the Buccos.

  17. Lauren
    November 4, 2009 2:22 pm

    As soon as I saw this picture, the first thing that popped into my mind was the naked dude in the back of the trunk from “The Hangover.” It made me giggle.

  18. Lisa G.
    November 4, 2009 3:03 pm

    “Everybody have fun tonight!

    Everybody wang chung tonight!!”

  19. wckdcll
    November 4, 2009 3:18 pm

    This is a picture that makes me wonder about people having mirrors in their homes!!!!

    The question “Did they see themselves before they left?” comes to mind!

  20. RJQ
    November 4, 2009 3:19 pm

    …those are Hooters outfits & beeyotch on the leff is totes stuffin’ his brizzah.


  21. Lisa J
    November 4, 2009 3:52 pm

    Was it Halloween or something like that?? Maybe some kind of a joke?? I mean, really, these two did not put these outfits on, look in the mirror, and say “damn, we’re smokin’ hot today”. It’s just not possible. There HAS to be a really, really good explanation. Right?? Help me out, here.

  22. unsatisfied
    November 4, 2009 3:56 pm

    “these boots are maaaade for walkin’
    and, that’s just what they’ll do.
    one of these days, these boots
    are gonna walk alllllllll over

  23. AndyTheo
    November 4, 2009 3:59 pm

    I applaud the Pirates. Look, are they going to win? Hell no. So go ahead and shine a little spotlight on the Japanese Trailer Park Disco culture. Tacky, foreign and effeminate > sucky baseball.

  24. Just A Simple Man
    November 4, 2009 4:17 pm

    Boys will be boys.
    There are other picks out there of some sort of “Rookie” hazing by the TB Rays in Boston back in 07.

    Maybe Lamont was their coordinator?

  25. Clementine
    November 4, 2009 4:35 pm

    Here’s a tip: if you stare at the first picture long enough, it eventually erases the second picture from your mind’s eye. Ohohh, sexy boyfriend?!

  26. wckdcll
    November 4, 2009 4:43 pm

    @Clementine LMMFAO nice “16 Candles” reference!!

    I am gay and still think he is a cutie…..

  27. butcher's dog
    November 4, 2009 5:00 pm

    unsatisfied wins! Definitely Nancy Sinatra on endless loop now.

  28. carnegiegrl
    November 4, 2009 5:05 pm

    What? I don’t get it.
    I have boots just like those, and I wear them with my short shorts over biker shorts. What? it’s wrong???

  29. Aznburgher
    November 4, 2009 6:53 pm

    As an Asian in the Burgh…I am excited (the Asian % population has increased and not due to CMU enrollment) and yet…I am ashamed…

  30. Sooska
    November 4, 2009 9:03 pm

    Those shorts are left overs from the 70s. I swear, my husband has the same ones but he wears his to clean the gutters at the family cottage in Nowheresville. But in public? I’d kill him first.

    The Burgh will be major league culture shock for the new guy. (is that Chastity Bono with him?)

  31. Amber
    November 4, 2009 9:44 pm

    Have yet to read or watch anything Twilight related. You could change all that, but as yet, I don’t really care.

  32. bucdaddy
    November 5, 2009 11:16 am

    “Twilight” is an abomination unto the Lord. Much like those shorts with those boots.

    Boots … Wait a second …

    *looks at photo again*

    Ginny, did he borrow your do-me boots for that?

  33. rickh
    November 6, 2009 6:18 am

    Pass the eye bleach.