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What They’re Really Thinking: Whose house?

The thing with Monday Night Games at my house what with me being a “Restaurant Widow” with small children is that I end up with two choices.

A.  Allow my seven-year-old son, who is just now starting to show a real interest in professional football, to stay up and watch the game with me, thus subjecting myself to,  “Is that Ben Roethlisberger?  Ben Roethlisberger is my favorite player.  Oh, look!  Is that Ben Roethlisberger again?  He’s my favorite.  I want to get his jersey!  Oh, look! There’s Ben –”

“GO TO BED THIS INSTANT, YOUNG MAN, BEFORE I THROW ALL OF YOUR HALLOWEEN CANDY AWAY AND I GIVE YOUR NINTENDO TO YOUR SISTER TO PLAY PRINCESS GAMES ON!”

I’m a fantastic mom.  I guess it could be worse.  He could come to me one day next week all, “Is that Jeff Reed?  He’s my favorite.  I want to grow my hair like his.  Can I get his jersey?” That will also be the day I tweet, “WHY GOD, WHY?!!?” on twitter.

(Aside: Spell check suggests “Spitsbergen” to replace “Roethlisberger”.  I LIKE IT!)

B. Put the kids to bed at their normal time and watch the game myself, thus meaning I am jumping around my living room and celebrating all alone while trying to high-five the very confused and slightly scared dogs.

Last night, I wisely chose option #2 and watched what was at first a very sad-looking team wake up long enough to saddle up the Denver Broncos and tame them stupid.

1.  When I first turned my TV on to watch the game, ESPN was showing the Denver Broncos standing in a pre-game huddle psyching themselves up all, “OUR HOUSE! OUR HOUSE! OUR HOUSE!”

And I was all, “How nice and welcoming of them to decorate their house in black and gold for us.”

steelersbroncos20

Steeler Nation cares not whose house you think it is.  We will take it over and make it our own and we’ll even put our feet up on your coffee table and drink your beer and take a poop in your bathroom and not give a darn how stinky we make the room.  THAT’S how comfortable we are in your house.

2.  Know who else didn’t give a rat’s patootie whose house he was in?  Rashard Mendenhall.  Ran all over their house with mud on his shoes and was very prepared to stink the bathroom up:

I’m pretty sure we’ve seen the last of Willie Parker, don’t you think?

3. Also, I wasn’t aware that the house pet for the Broncos was so hideous:

Oh, wait. Is that supposed to be a dolphin with ears?  Duck-billed platypus?  The kid from Mask?

I can’t believe I just went there, either.

4.  The first half was mighty mighty sucky.  No pass defense.  No offense.  Benny getting sacked.  Cici Donna sucking oxygen after one play like it was … oxygen.

HAHAH!  I just went to Google and searched “cici donna oxygen” and when it didn’t return any relevant results it took me like 15 seconds to realize that Google does not understand “Cici Donna”.

If you’re wondering, this is the first image under “cici donna oxygen” in Google images:

landscape-11

That is some seriously blinged out, bedazzled freaky awesomeness.

I’ve had a beer. In case you weren’t aware.  But it’s magazine column deadline day, and drinking is what I do on that day.

5.  After a half hour of playing football like blind horses, the Steelers finally answered this call:

Not with thunder, though, but with a lightning bolt up the asses of the Broncos by way of an interception returned for a touchdown by Carter.

Also, do you see what I see?  Is that a Pirates cap there?  That’s just sad.  Someone buy that kid a Steelers cap or anything else that doesn’t smell so much like decaying suck.

5. Hines Ward continues to amaze me.  I’m almost positive he’s drinking whatever magic elixir Demi Moore is drinking in order to bring about this backwards aging thing.  Or it could just be that Hines really does get better with age and Demi Moore really has had hundreds and hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of work done.

I was particularly trying hard to high-five the dogs when Hines leaped breezily over the Bronco for a touchdown, like it was no big thing.

Shine on, sunshine.

6.   After a questionable performance in the first half, Benny shut my whining butt up in the second half.  Of course, his interception was epic, but aside from that, I can’t complain.  Know who can complain? Santonio Holmes who had to listen to Benny recount his own “mile high” escapades:

We don’t need to hear it, Mr. Spitsbergen.

7.  How about that Super Bowl Champion Punter Mitch Berger, huh?!  Is he amazing or what?  Here he is doing what he does best:

steelersbroncos6

How the heck did we ever win with him?

8.  I briefly considered that perhaps the reason the Steelers played so horribly was because they were blinded by the porn ‘stache of one Kyle Orton.

While hunting for a good picture of that porn ‘stache, I discovered that Kyle Orton has a book!

Amazing.  I’d buy this, but I already throw like a girl.

9.  The Steelers defense managed to snag THREE, yes THREE interceptions, one of which was picked off by our very own 9th dirtiest player in the NFL, Troysus Polamalu:

Here he is eating some guy’s knees.

steelersbroncos21

And here he is thinking about killing people on the field:

pointlight_0001

Such a poor example he sets.

God help me the day my son asks me for a Troysus Polamalu jersey.

Now, I apologize for the lateness of this post because as I mentioned, today is deadline day and now I have to go write 800 words for the magazine.

Bottoms up!

Also, this might be the second beer talking, but we’re totally winning the Super Bowl again this year and God help me if Lukey rides shotgun in the parade.  I will sic that unicorn/dolphin/platypus thing on him.





53 Comments

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  1. Chris T
    November 10, 2009 9:57 pm

    Bout time! Now get back to your homework young lady, you procrastinate as bad as I do. Hey I got almost 2 full hours to finish the database and read2 chapters and answer all the questions that were due Sunday….



  2. Sooska
    November 10, 2009 10:06 pm

    This post was waaaaay fun to read filled up on margaritas (I wish I could say they were Las Velas margaritas, but alack, I am in Baltimore).

    Just like the game, this post is full of win. That Cici Donna google image had me in need of my own oxygen tank, and “Spitsbergen” might be the best unintentional nickname EVAH.

    As for the game, I would start doing an evil-villain laugh whenever Mitch Berger punted but then I’d be cut short with flashback-nightmares of when he punted for us. Apparently Berger playing for your team has the same effect as doing LSD…you’re walking down the street 20 years later and BAM! you’re writhing around going “NOOOOO!” while giant five-headed snakes come at you.



  3. Jen
    November 10, 2009 10:13 pm

    My aunt works at the Denver airport. She said it was full of departing Steeler fans today. :D



  4. Alex
    November 10, 2009 10:17 pm

    1. OK, maybe it’s the wine I had, but that might be one of your all-time funniest posts.

    2. Just saw Demi Moore up close and personal at the U2 concert in LA a couple of weeks ago, and let me tell you something…that backwards aging train has definitely left the station. Her body looked great, but her face looked awful. Six tons of makeup, and she still looked really manly. Just my .02.



  5. Jen
    November 10, 2009 10:27 pm

    It’s 10:30pm, I’m alone in my living room, and I am giggling like a goofball. THE KID FROM THE MASK? You went there and oh my god, I lost it.

    This might be your best post ever. New rule: You have to drink a beer before you write :)



  6. SV
    November 10, 2009 10:34 pm

    #3 I first thought that the deformed or maimed unicorn was a fuzzy albino alligator

    #5 Hines uses a hyperbaric chamber. is that the key to the fountain of youth?



  7. ErinPatricia
    November 10, 2009 10:39 pm

    This made me spit my nice Chenin Blanc all over my laptop.
    Awesome post Ginny <3



  8. John
    November 10, 2009 10:47 pm

    Has anyone else noticed how many times the sportscasters talk about how Ben “extends the play”? There should be a drinking game based on this. Of course, when Ben gets sacked, it’s just a consequence of “extending the play” when he really just “held onto the ball way too long”. Getting sacked should be a reason to drink too.



  9. SpudMom
    November 10, 2009 10:50 pm

    Call me nitpicky but I thought that movie was called “Mask.” and “The Mask” was a bad Jim Carrey film.



  10. Virginia
    November 10, 2009 10:52 pm

    You are right. Fixed.



  11. NorthSide15212
    November 10, 2009 11:08 pm

    PittGirl, two things:

    1. In the first picture you posted, the kid Hines Ward is throwing the ball to also has a ‘bucco’s hat on. He also, coincidentally, has a Hines Ward jersey on, which may have been why he got the ball; and,

    2. Why in the name of sweet Jesus did you have to remind me of Lukey riding shotgun in the parade???? Every time I calm down from that travesty of status, that travesty of “I did because I can, even it’s the wrong thing to do,” someone brings it up or, I see a clip of the damn parade in a Steelers hi-light video and there he is, all waving to the crowd like he was a part of the team. Grrrrrr….what a giant jackass he is.



  12. Marian
    November 10, 2009 11:12 pm

    Great Post! Go Steelers! Looking forward to the Bengals game next week (and your recap afterwards).



  13. RIZZO
    November 10, 2009 11:24 pm

    Amen to the beer! (Jen, are you still alone?).
    GREAT post Ginny, as ALWAYS! Beer is good food.



  14. Chad
    November 10, 2009 11:37 pm

    I am a Steelers fan that relocated to Streetsboro Ohio, SE of Cleveland. I know… It sucks, but at the same time its GREAT! My cousin just started sending me your blog site. I must say it is great! If you are alone like Rizzo asks, it has to because your just to awesome and it can’t be handled.

    BTW – I know most want their sons to be a football player or at least try to love the sport….but keep the tap shoes close by, you never know.



  15. mcf
    November 11, 2009 12:07 am

    I have been waiting for this edition of WTRT because I was soooo hoping you would mention 2 things about the game – and now I am 50% fulfilled.

    One was the porn stache: cha-ching!

    But the other was the fact that the Broncos coach appears to be 14 years old. Particularly in this photo: http://www.post-gazette.com/pg/09312/1011481-66.stm

    You just can’t win when you are being coached by a boy who probably wants nothing more than to play some Nintendo and Google images of Carrie Prejean.



  16. Kevin In ABQ
    November 11, 2009 12:07 am

    My five-year old opted for (b), as this turned out to be his only option. Told him the score this morning. He proudly told the score to parents in line at his school today. Who were wearing Broncos paraphanelia. Over and over.

    I am so proud of my boy. The Yinzer diaspora may keep us far from home, but in our hearts we are right there. Hopefully, the mayor won’t find a way to tax our hearts from afar.



  17. Jaime
    November 11, 2009 1:20 am

    BRILLIANT use of the Kyle Orton pic! Bravo!



  18. SpudMom
    November 11, 2009 6:44 am

    Also, very very funny post. sorry I didn’t say that last night. :P



  19. PG Wodehouse
    November 11, 2009 7:46 am

    I would much rather watch “The Mask” than “Mask”



  20. bluzdude
    November 11, 2009 8:42 am

    Is it me, or do you think those guys might not have been going all “Our house, our house,” if the camera crew hadn’t have been right in the middle of the thing?

    Judging from the shots of him on the sideline, I think I figured out why Cici Donna is such a good run-stuffer… he has his own gravitational pull.



  21. red pen mama
    November 11, 2009 9:01 am

    Thank you form mentioning Orton’s porn ‘stache. I don’t feel so alone now. The two thoughts I had most often during that game (aside from: “We are so winning this game and you, husband, are going to owe me $20. You don’t bet against the Steelers; I don’t care how pessimistic you are.”) were:

    1. That is one heck of a porn ‘stache. What year is it again?

    2. I don’t know if it’s the camera angle, but I think Benny needs to step back from the cupcakes.

    Another great WTRT!

    ciao,
    rpm



  22. red pen mama
    November 11, 2009 9:04 am

    *for mentioning*

    my fingers have a caffiene stutter this fine a.m.

    rpm



  23. cmd_45
    November 11, 2009 9:07 am

    I was right there with you, Ginny and red pen mama…as soon as I saw Kyle Orton, porn mustache was the first thought and first thing I said. The post was awesome!



  24. unsatisfied
    November 11, 2009 9:24 am

    do we have the right to make fun of other team’s mascots when we have steely mcfuckhead?

    just checking….



  25. Bridges and Bites
    November 11, 2009 9:46 am

    Hhahahahaha….

    You should always drink, Ginny. Just always, always drink. ;-)



  26. Chad
    November 11, 2009 9:46 am

    Orton looks like David Grohls retarded brother.



  27. Chad
    November 11, 2009 9:53 am

    Unsatisfied said it right. If there is one thing that is made fun of out here in Cleveland ( and with good reason), Its the pathetic mascot. Of course its their only argument these days since the Indians have been obviously getting advice from the Pirates front office, and if my Christmas wish comes true…. La-ho will sign with ANY other NBA team. I love to see the people tormented with faces of discust. It makes get through the day out here.. :)



  28. Kim Z
    November 11, 2009 10:28 am

    The word use of Mr. Spitsbergen made me spit take. Brava, Ginny!

    Also, as a ardent Steelers fan currently living in Chicago I will be sharing the *news* of Kyle Orton’s book with local Bears fans who have been questioning the QB trade.



  29. Heather
    November 11, 2009 10:30 am

    Did you happen to see Troy on Jimmy Fallon last night? He looks very yummy.

    If not check it out:
    http://www.latenightwithjimmyfallon.com/video/clips/troy-polamalu-interview-111009/1174376/



  30. Laura
    November 11, 2009 10:32 am

    I am so glad I’m not the only one who tries to high-five my dog when watching the game alone!



  32. bucdaddy
    November 11, 2009 10:39 am

    You had me at “beer.”



  33. wckdcll
    November 11, 2009 10:55 am

    Great stuff as usual Ginny!! I almost shit when I saw the book by Kyle Orton?!?!? Umm, who did he consult before titling this book? For the love of all the embarrassing things, poor guy, no wonder he has that “stache” he is hiding from that book.
    And for a second there I thought we might still be paying Berger….holy horrible punting skillz, I think I can do better…no lie and again, are we sure we aren’t slippin him some ones somewhere??!!
    Again, GREAT as usual and looking forward to seeing what you found in the “fridge” that could have possibly turned into an article…;)



  34. Alethea
    November 11, 2009 11:04 am

    My husband and I were lucking enough to come to Denver and go to the game. By halftime I thought I might cry, luckily that didn’t turn out to be the case. I love Steeler Nation. The estimate is that there were at least 20,000 Steeler fans in “their house” and we were chanting, cheering, towel waving maniacs.



  35. Gina
    November 11, 2009 11:18 am

    Ok, this might just be me but…

    Take a look a the kid on the right in the very first picture. It’s wearing a leatherhead helmet, and has those long things coming out of this head, and it appears as though he is wearing a Troy jersey. You see that kid now?

    Ok. Now tell me he doesn’t look like he could be the result of one of Skippy’s one night stands.

    I’m telling you, he has Jeff Reed’s face.

    Anyone else see it?



  36. pghgeorge
    November 11, 2009 11:29 am

    You need to put a warning label on your posts, for people like me who are reading you at work. I’m laughing and laughing, and people are lookin’ at me all “freak boy, turn off the gas and do some work.”
    I have tears in my eyes.



  37. Carpetbagger
    November 11, 2009 12:01 pm

    Kyle Orton’s porn stache really works because it is combined with an Amish neck beard. How has he not been on “Cops” yet?

    And the real nightmare you as a mom have to worry about is when your son asks for a Brandon Moss jersey. (All you can do is teach them right and hope they go the right way.)



  38. spoon
    November 11, 2009 12:03 pm

    mcfuckhead? hahahaha oh christ i’m in tears



  39. PG Wodehouse
    November 11, 2009 12:16 pm

    So, have Ben’s minions gotten to your son or is it some kind of karmic backlash.



  40. toni
    November 11, 2009 12:39 pm

    Denver Post article on how we took over “their” house:

    http://www.denverpost.com/paige/ci_13752175



  41. eileen
    November 11, 2009 1:29 pm

    The boy from Mask.
    As I read it, I thought, I can’t believe she went there.
    Next line “I can’t believe I went there either.”

    This, by far is the funniest thing you’ve ever written.
    Beats my old favorite “What they’re really thinking, G20 edition”
    Keep the beers chilled.



  42. Vivian formerly NY Luvs Pitts
    November 11, 2009 1:43 pm

    After seeing that mascot I think we should give Steely some slack.



  43. Minerva Smelibut
    November 11, 2009 1:45 pm

    The neutered unicorn reminded me of the time I seen my friend Tracey doing something nasty to her drink at the Hardees that was where I used to work before the year that ended when I was shipped off to the home to be fixed.



  44. Pa-pop
    November 11, 2009 4:17 pm

    If somehow this writing thing doesn’t work out, you still have a wonderful career in designing book jackets in front of you.

    I’m still laughing.

    And to paraphrase Ben Franklin, beer is proof that God loves us to be entertained by your posts.



  45. Still A Fan
    November 11, 2009 5:50 pm

    Get your playoff tickets…



  46. Paul
    November 11, 2009 6:18 pm

    I was going to hold off on opening my bottle of wine until tomorrow. But, after reading this, I have to have a glass and re-read this. It’s just too funny/good. The best part, to me, was the “Steeler Nation cares not whose house you think it is.” paragraph. So very true and soooo very funny! Thank you for making my day better :)



  47. gunnlino
    November 11, 2009 7:13 pm

    Simply gotta love Steeler Nation, no “house” is safe from takeover, even if the home fans don’t get it or like it,

    And love that Hines Ward, every TD watch him closely, he looks for a Steeler fan, usually a kid and gives him the ball.

    Dirtiest player.! .Piffle, sore losers.



  48. Bojack
    November 11, 2009 7:31 pm

    GREAT POST!!!!!!!

    Did the Denver game in Ocracoke!

    Doin’ the Steeler Nation thang in Albequerque for the Cincy bungles, probly at the Uptown Sports bar!!

    Just spreadin’ the Black & Gold dogma!!!!!! :-)



  49. L-A
    November 11, 2009 7:37 pm

    that was a glorious post ***bows down to the almighty ginnysus***



  50. Dan S.
    November 11, 2009 8:04 pm

    That Kyle Orton book cover is genius. I almost gave myself some thunder (in a bad way), I was laughing so hard.



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