You remember when the Post-Gazette revealed their Plush section, right in the midst of economic turmoil, right?
The Plush section’s motto is “Your guide to gracious living” where “gracious” means “HOLY SHIT WE HAVE A LOT OF MONEY TO SPEND!”
Plush revealed their Holiday Season fashion guide yesterday. In it you will find such gems as this:
Plan intimate dinner parties and impromptu cocktail parties at home, and be sure to do it with high style. Light the candles, dim the chandelier, build a fire and pop the cork of that great champagne you’ve been saving for a special occasion.
“Impromptu cocktail parties?” What do the rich do? Wait until 20 of their friends unexpectedly show up in their finest attire and then have the chef whip up some hors d’oeuvres and cocktails? (I’m a little embarrassed to admit how many tries it took me to get hors d’oeuvres close enough to correct so that spell check could fix it for me.)
Submit to underwear as outerwear.
• Sharp shoulders — Back to the future, the sharp-shouldered jacket is at its best paired with slim pants or leggings and a confident attitude.
Here’s an example of such an outfit put together by the P-G:
The P-G describes this outfit as this:
Tuxedo jacket, $1,950, and draped pant, $965, by Balenciaga; shoes and gold and silver cuff bracelets from the Balenciaga fall/winter 2009 runway collection, courtesy of Emphatics, Downtown.
“Draped pant.” I can’t even tell you how hard I laughed at “draped pant”.
Now, regular people don’t describe this outfit as tuxedo jacket and draped pant, we describe this outfit as:
“What in the name of the love child of LaMont Jones and Julie Bologna are you wearing? Is this outfit your interpretation of what Joan Crawford would wear if she was captain of the Starship Enterprise? And while I appreciate the Steelers theme of your … well … I don’t know, I can’t call them SHOES, that’s for damn sure, I gotta tell you that you seem to have gotten a fabric softener sheet stuck in the back of one of them. Also, I took some messages for you while you were out. Christopher Walken wants his hair back, the entire female cast of Dynasty wants their shoulder pads back, MC Hammer wants his ‘draped pant’ back, and Tom Brady would really really like his shoes back.”
So if you’re walking downtown one evening in the cultural district and you see a scarily dressed woman with severe hair, pointy shoulders, and a bra over her sweater, stumbling about on shoes that would kill a sex-enraged rhino, never fear. She’s not drunk or crazy.
She’s just rich.