What They’re Really Thinking: Separated at Birth Edition

What hell that we wrought?!

Whose madness is this?!

Three losses in a row?

TYLER PALKO A STEELER?!?

People are swan-diving off the bandwagon left and right.

Tonight, I had THIS conversation with my father:

Me:  Did you stay up to watch the game?

Dad: [GIANT GIANT EYEROLL]

Me:  Me too.  What horrible play-calling.

Dad:  Bruce Arians’ play-calling is completely uninspired.  Has been for ages.  The defense is the reason we won the Super Bowl.

Now, now.  I wouldn’t exactly put it like that.  I mean, hello Duke of Fug/Earl of Gross to The Asshat in the endzone in the last minute to win the game?!

This game, I would put more like this:

Yeah, that sums it up quite nicely, no?

1.  First, let’s get through some superficial PISS YOU OFF stuff.  The Ravens handed out a purple and white towel to their fans to wave during the game, did you notice?  While trolling the Baltimore Sun site for pictures of despondent Steelers fans slitting their wrists while crunching on cyanide pills, I found this little gem with these cute little comments:

  • Those obnoxious towels those pittsburgh clowns wave are ridiculous. why would we wanna be anything like that. Note to Ravens: NEVER DO THAT AGAIN!!!!
  • Towel waving is stupid, like doing the wave. Only follow the crowd types like Pittsburgh wave towels. They remind me of the little old ladies at church conventions who wave hankies as they send off missionaries. It’s just not manly.
  • Pittsburgh has their towels – fine! So why don’t we ban the swinging of the towels in M & T Stadium? If someone (aka a Steeler fan) swings one, it is confiscated.

Yes, we’re “follow the crowd types” and that’s why one day Myron Cope woke up and said, “Hell. EVERYONE is waving towels, so why don’t we start doing that?”

I hope Myron’s ghost poops in those guys’ closets tonight. Wait.  Yes, Myron has confirmed he will poop in their closets but ONLY after eating Primantis.

2.  Speaking of Ravens’ fans.  Separated at birth?

steelersravens2

3.  I sure do like Dennis Dixon and thought he showed some real talent.  One thing in particular that stuck out to me was that he seemed to know when to get rid of the ball before being sacked, something that has ALWAYS irritated me about the Duke of Fug and the Earl of Gross.  Thank God Dixon didn’t take any pointers from Benny.

steelersravens3

4.  Realizing Benny, what with his recent concussion, wasn’t giving him the best advice, Dennis must have talked to The Asshat.

steelersravens4

5.  How about when Dennis ran the tochdown in himself and Benny was jumping up and down and up and down on the sidelines like a fat kid trying to get picked for a team at recess?

First, Benny’s unabashed joy for Dixon, touched me.  Second, Benny … is fat.

He couldn’t be more Chunk from Goonies unless he actually ate Chunk from Goonies.

6.  A reader commented that Skippy Skeeve made a tackle, but somehow I missed it!  Never saw it!  Do you suppose I’ve become selectively blind when it comes to Skippy, refusing to see his redeeming qualities?

Nah.

7.  Speaking of a tackle, PLEASE tell me I am not the only one that saw Daniel Sepulvedanomnomnomnom chase down that Raven, lunge with all of his might, catch him around the knees and bring that son of a gross smelly bird down?  It ended up being unneccesary due to a flag, but STILL!

NOM NOM NOM!

8.  Speaking of nasty birds, what the hell is the Ravens mascot supposed to be and please phrase your answer in the form of “meth-addled penguin.”

9.  I hate Ray Lewis.  I’m sorry.  I know we shouldn’t hate and I’m sure Troysus doesn’t hate ANYBODY, but I can’t help it.  I hate him.  And did you see his post-game interview in which he talked about he and that other player touching each other?

He has lost his marbles.  Which computes:

steelersravens5

If you don’t get the Hungry Hungry Hippos reference, you can’t be my friend anymore.

10.  [In this point, please pretend I eloquently ripped Bruce Arians a new asshole and posted a side-by-side comparing his photo to a box of rocks or some other equally stupid inanimate object that would probably have called better, more inspired offensive plays than Bruce did, instead of the same old same old.]

steelersravens7

11.  After the game, Mike Tomlin said:

“We will not go gently,” Tomlin emphatically declared afterward.  “We won’t go in a shell.  We’ll go into attack mode because that’s what’s required.”

Okay, here’s the thing.  We should have been in attack mode from day one because we are the defending champions and that means everyone brings their A games to play us.

I appreciate the President Whitmore speech, but we’ve got injuries to so many of our necessary players, a locker room in turmoil because Hines Ward is a pouty poopy baby who says the dumbest thing imaginable to the national media and basically says that Ben should have played with a concussion, an increasingly failing defense, a doofus for an offensive coordinator, and special teams that are definitely special but not in the “Isn’t that SPECIAL?” way but more in the “Don’t give her scissors.  She’s, you know, SPECIAL.” way.

I’m not saying the season is lost, I’m just saying we better win next week or I really WILL be able to find pictures of cyanide-popping fans and the ghost of Myron Cope really will shit in Bruce Arians’ closet.

12. Oh, what the hell.

steelersravens6





50 Comments

  1. LH
    November 30, 2009 11:24 pm

    Love the post as usual!
    I was at the game… 1) They can’t comment on the towel… they do a stupid first down “move the chains” cheer… I figured it was because they so infrequently had them in the past they had to celebrate when they actually got one. Their fans are very vulgar btw. I did see a lady in the parking lot on my way out burning a terrible towel… so may the curse be with them! 10) I agree 100%… I think that I could call a better game… and I am a girl



  2. USCMike
    November 30, 2009 11:26 pm

    Oh kudos on the box of rocks!

    I’m gonna need more blood pressure meds if I’m forced to watch more of BA’s inspired play calling because I’m afraid I’m going to have a stroke if I have to see any more of last night’s debacle, repeated in the coming weeks…

    Hats off to Mr. Dixon because I seriously hoped that Benny was watching how to throw the ball away AND escape the inevitable concussion due to the ‘superior’ protection of the O-line. Sorta like the superior protection the President gets when people crash state dinners…



  3. Kim Z
    November 30, 2009 11:26 pm

    Fun fact: At half time of SNF Dennis Dixon had thrown an amazing touchdown pass and no interception. At half time of MNF Tom Brady had not thrown a touchdown pass but had thrown an interception. Ergo, Dennis Dixon is better than Tom Brady. So there.



  4. LH
    November 30, 2009 11:27 pm

    PS Double D rocked for his first start



  5. Carpetbagger
    November 30, 2009 11:35 pm

    After Ben comes back, the box of rocks would probably say, “Hmmm, maybe putting Dixon in the game to run the wildcat–or steelcat?–offense as a change of pace would be something we could do.”

    To which Arians would say, “But how does that fit into run, run, pass, punt? Stupid rocks.”

    But how nice to spend a Monday watching Brady and Belichick looking all pouty and sad. I now hope the Saints go to the Super Bowl.



  6. DG
    November 30, 2009 11:53 pm

    This one, unfortunately, is not in Arian’s lap, but LeBeau’s. Dixon did what could only have been expected of a first time starting QB in BALTIMORE of all places. D needed to step up and be his shield, and the fact that they couldn’t get off the field on 4th and 5 is what cost us this game, not the INT.



  7. tw
    December 1, 2009 12:14 am

    7. You weren’t the only one who saw that tackle Ginny! Dan should teach Jeff a thing or to about necessary tackles.



  8. Bojack
    December 1, 2009 6:12 am

    I vote we give Ginny a bullhorn (and the authority to fine real $$)
    and have her at EVERY Mon/Tues-after practice on the Southside!!! :-)



  9. Lisa G.
    December 1, 2009 6:26 am

    LMAO! You nailed it once again and I couldn’t agree more with the comparisons! Excellent post!



  10. dramamama
    December 1, 2009 7:05 am

    I love your blog but you are being ridiculous. Where is your critique of the defense?!?!?! How can you blame this on Arians and NOT EVEN MENTION THE FACT THAT LeBEAU COULDN’T HOLD ON TO A LEAD?!?!!?!? I think Dick LeBeau is brilliant but it didn’t appear that he made any adjustments to compensate for the injuries that have hampered the D for the past 3 weeks. Whereas Arians had to work with his 3rd string QB (thus REQUIRING that he call standard/safe plays) and almost got the win?!?! C’mon — don’t be so predictable in blaming BA — you’re so much better than that.



  11. Trish
    December 1, 2009 7:20 am

    The Ravens actually have three mascots–Edgar, Allan and Poe. No, seriously, their names are on their jerseys.



  12. Carsen
    December 1, 2009 8:37 am

    Did anyone notice that Tyler Palko was grabbing his jersey like that every time he was on camera (which leads me to believe he did it the entire game)? It was like his blankie, or his nervous, “OMG WHAT AM I DOING ON A STEELERS SIDELINE” tug. His replacement for mommy.

    Mommy would’ve told him not to stretch out his shirt that way.

    It was patehtic.



  13. Virginia
    December 1, 2009 8:38 am

    Dramamama,

    You’re right. I had meant to write about the defense, and in particular, the pass defense and their ridiculous inability to look for the ball at least two seconds earlier than they do because sometimes, that’s all it takes to break up a play, but I forgot because it was 11:00 at night and I was tired. I apologize for being “predictable” and “ridiculous”. I’ll refund your money right away.

    V.



  14. Sooska
    December 1, 2009 8:39 am

    BA would only think to throw those rocks. They look like they could coordinate an offense better than he, by the way, Super Bowl luck notwithstanding.

    Hines should shut his yap about locker room, team things. I heard he is contrite, especially in light of the fact that he will end his career without ever having another pass thrown to him.

    One thing that the absence of Troysus has shown us is that 1) Troyus is a superhuman, freak of nature, (2) his absence exposes the awful weaknesses in that secondary, and they game plan for him, neither Harrison, Timmons nor Farrior tackle the ball carrier, (3) William Gay is in there because they have no other choice, (4) adjustments don’t matter at all if basics, such as tackling and not playing 10 yards off the receiver, aren’t employed during the game. just sayin’

    If this past Sunday was “Redemption Sunday,” and this week MikeT says, “We will unleash hell here in December because we have to,” WHAT has been going on prior to this? All Heck? You should have unleashed the hell during Camp Cupcake there, Mike.



  15. red pen mama
    December 1, 2009 8:39 am

    Is it just me, or does Tyler Palko look like Pauly Shore?

    5. And Ben looks like a Campbell’s Soup kid gone to seed. (credit to my sister for that one.)

    6. I think people are getting Reed mixed up with Sepulveda (don’t shoot me!). because when I saw the kicker make a tackle, I thought the same thing. And then I was like, no, the kicker made that tackle because he was Sepulveda. Or, just, NOM NOM NOM.

    I have to agree that the defense really let Dixon down. Baltimore converted a fourth and 5. And not just by a little. That turned into a 44 yard play. Rice ripped the D apart. And our DBs stunk.

    ciao,
    rpm



  16. Sooska
    December 1, 2009 8:47 am

    rpm – I agree with you on 6. That was Sepulveda.



  17. Marci
    December 1, 2009 8:52 am

    Is it wrong that when I saw Sepulveda make that tackle I immediately thought “Can’t wait to see what Ginny writes about that!” My second and third thoughts of Dan Sepulveda cannot be published in a public forum …. LOL



  18. Pittsburgh Tom (now back in da burgh)
    December 1, 2009 8:54 am

    Of course, nobody mentioned the tackle that Dan missed. I guess it’s okay to miss a tackle if you’re a kicker/punter as long as you look good doing it.

    As for the towels, every team gives them out now. As far as I know, Steelers did it first. And Myron wasn’t copying anyone. I’ve always loved that, despite having to pay for them, Terrible Towels are often more prevalent at away games than the home team freebies given to everyone.



  19. bluzdude
    December 1, 2009 9:06 am

    The “Ban Towel Swinging” comment sums up the Ravens faithful perfectly. If they don’t agree with it, ban it. They wouldn’t know a new idea if it bit them on the nose. They still think their marching band is the height of innovation.

    LH is right, the fans in the stands are vulgar, crude, and make some of the dumbest comments I’ve ever heard in a stadium. They seem to think that Eagles fans are the gold standard and equate obnoxiousness and violence with being “good fans”.

    I was at the game in Baltimore last year and got cheapshotted in the stands, basically just standing there minding my own business. Full story is at the URL below… I’m not trying to poach, but I’d rather not retype the whole thing here.
    http://www.darwinfish2.blogspot.com/2009/11/mojo-boogie-week-9.html

    As for their mascots, Trish is correct that they have 3… or at least they did. I haven’t seen all 3 lately… I think they may have laid 2 of them off and just kept Poe. Got to cut costs in this economy, you know. Now they just have one more to phase out… But then who are we to talk about mascots, anymore?

    Lastly, rpm beat me to it but I was also going to suggest that someone confused Reed with Sepulveda on that return… which is hard to do, if you think about it. Reed is to Sepulveda as is DeVito to Schwartzenegger.



  20. CrashJK
    December 1, 2009 9:22 am

    Let’s not whitewash this…let’s lay blame at the feet of the leader – Mr. Soundbyte Tomlin. He’s running of out clever things to say now. He won a Super Bowl with Bill Cowher’s team. This lack of performance during the entire season and we get that blank stare and endless script of soundbytes (which works for the DVE morning show, but in reality….fluff). ymmv



  21. Christine
    December 1, 2009 9:32 am

    Those towel copycats around the NFL should be paying Allegheny Valley School a royalty in honor of Myron Cope. Imitation may be the sincerest form of flattery, but…they all suck.



  22. Monty
    December 1, 2009 9:42 am

    Speaking of William Gay, his jersey must very close to the top of the worst sellers list.



  23. Erin
    December 1, 2009 9:44 am

    I guffawed at your version of the play selection. Pretty accurate. I miss Ken Whisenhunt. And Dixon and Palko are doing nothing to improve the general Fug of the Steelers team as a whole. Sepulveda, Troy and Willie Parker (imo) are exceptions to the Steelers ugly.



  24. Ian
    December 1, 2009 10:08 am

    Yo guys,

    Just a quick note on Bruce A, I know he gets lots of flack thrown his way, but he was working with our 3rd string QB who has never started a game against a confusing Ravens D.

    If Dixon would have thrown the ball more (he was keying in on one receiver too much) we would have seen many more turnovers, which absolutely kill you in football games.

    With Dixon in, the Ravens were a better team, and deserved to win. We played well, in the sense that we almost were able to successfully steal this win away. More blame should rest on the D for not stopping the Dirty Birds.



  25. hello haha narf
    December 1, 2009 10:09 am

    it really is wrong how hard i laughed at “He couldn’t be more Chunk from Goonies unless he actually ate Chunk from Goonies.”



  26. hello haha narf
    December 1, 2009 10:11 am

    also? palko tugs on his jersey because he doesn’t know what to do with his hands. kinda like ricky bobby.



  27. Neesie
    December 1, 2009 10:17 am

    Hilarious. I love the box of rocks. Dennis Dixon can run….fast. I think the box of rocks would have have at least been smart enough to work in a few more designed runs for him.



  28. facie
    December 1, 2009 10:42 am

    Great post as usual. I had a similar thought about Ben when he was cheering for DD, though I did not take it as far as Chunk. Good one.

    Looking forward to the press conference today. Hopefully we won’t have to hear that the next game is a must-win one b/c at least one Steeler has been saying that for three weeks now. But Tomlin is already planning to unleash hell, so watch out!



  29. H
    December 1, 2009 10:47 am

    @dramamama – Amen!

    Wow, big surprise. Ginny thinks Ben is fat and ugly and that Coach Arians’ play-calling sucked. Sorry, but maybe you need to start waiting a day or two before you post these. Give yourself a little more time to think about what you want to write. The last few have been sort of weak. You’re game reviews are becoming what you bash Coach Arians for being… predictable.

    I know, no one forces me to read these, but I come back each week hoping for something different and funny. Since I haven’t found that lately, maybe I will stop reading.



  30. Chase
    December 1, 2009 11:19 am

    People blaming Bruce Arians are idiots.

    This game was all Dick Lebeau’s fault. His defense has been awful all year long and he makes absolutely no adjustments.

    But he gets a pass because he’s Lebeau. Pitiful.



  31. Vivian formerly NYLuvsPitts
    December 1, 2009 11:48 am

    @ Chase, You are right. We all know BA is to blame for a lot of lost games but not this one. I put this totally on the defense.

    Where is that number one defense from last year? One season they’re hot and the next they’re not? Everyone is saying it’s because Troy is out. Yeah he’s wonderful and all that but I don’t believe a great defense is a one man show. They need to step up.

    DD did exceptional for his first start and I think we should have and could have won this game. Our defense was just plain ol’ tired and they let us down.

    I’m not going to swan dive off of the bandwagon (lol). I’ve seen worst seasons than this one. I believe in this team and if we get a wildcard spot I believe we can go all the way. So LET’S GO STEELERS!!!



  32. Monsterquads
    December 1, 2009 12:48 pm

    This is one of you hall of fame posts. I have not been this entertained since Irene Cara’s hair extension flew off while singing (and flinging) “What a Feeling” on the Mike Douglas show. You can tell it’s been a while for me. Thanks, Ginny.



  33. butcher's dog
    December 1, 2009 12:59 pm

    It’s a team game and the whole team contributed at some point to the 5 losses accumulated to date. True, defense hasn’t held fourth-quarter leads, but is that LeBeau? Did he miss the tackles? Also, DD rolls out because of pressure and throws a touchdown pass. DD rolls out, looked like by design, and scores a touchdown. So our genius offensive coordinator keeps him in the pocket to throw a sideline pass to lose the game? And some of you don’t want to blame him?

    As for Ginny being boring and predictable, seriously? Breathe, people. The photos and their captions are beyond amazing, for one thing, and the readership now watches the games with at least one eye to “I wonder what she’ll say about this.” To me (37-year career as an English teacher) that means she’s connected with her audience. And Know Who You’re Writing For is rule #1 in composition. Leave the lady alone; she’s doing OK.

    And remember…what makes her demonic is playoff hockey. I can hardly wait!



  34. Kathy
    December 1, 2009 1:57 pm

    How about Double D’s dad wearing a throw-back Pirates cap to the game?? Someone needs to get that man some Steelers stuff quick before the suck continues to rub off on our Steelers….

    By the way Ginny, I couldn’t agree more with your #9 — I also found myself really hating on Ray Lewis…



  35. Pensgirl
    December 1, 2009 2:32 pm

    If a Ravens fan wants to talk shit about the Towel, just remind them that their stolen team is named in honor of a man who meant to go to New York, got on the wrong train, ended up in Baltimore, and died of the disappointment. Boston, New York, Philly, Richmond, and even West Point Academy have more claim to Poe than does Baltimore.

    As to the game, while it’s true the defense did not do its job, I still say Arians is the big culprit. Dixon proved on several occasions that he’s great with his feet but Arians NEVER ran him. If they had just let him keep the ball on a few of those running plays, they’d have had a great chance to win without needing overtime. I don’t care what Chicken-Shit Collinsworth says about worrying he’d get hurt; you can’t call a game based on fear.



  36. Chase
    December 1, 2009 3:10 pm

    butcher’s dog

    The fact that Lebeau continually plays a soft zone when his safeties cannot cover anyone is Lebeau’s fault.

    The fact that he plays his CBs 8-10 yards off the ball and plays against their strengths is all Lebeau’s fault.

    That fact that he had James Farrior who has shown this year that he is DONE in the NFL covering the running back on 4th down late in the game is ridiculous. Farrior has had his ass handed to him in that exact same situation multiple times this year and Lebeau continues to put him out there to get beat.

    That too is all Lebeau’s fault.



  37. Stacey
    December 1, 2009 3:15 pm

    What is it with all these trolls lately? It seems like as soon as Ginny outed herself, they made it their life mission to leave nasty comments… notice, none of them use their real name either.



  38. Pingback: Hell hath no fury… « Carpetbaggery

  39. Scooter
    December 1, 2009 4:55 pm

    While all the commentary was spot-on, as usual, I did appreciate the Independence Day reference.



  40. La Reina
    December 1, 2009 5:06 pm

    Tyler Palko – FAIL.



  41. andrea
    December 1, 2009 5:40 pm

    Stacey, it’s envy.



  42. dramamama
    December 1, 2009 7:41 pm

    V.,

    I can certainly do a better job and simply disagree with you without being rude. I apologize for using “predictable” and “ridiculous” but it was 7 am. I’ll think before I shoot my mouth off next time.

    I love your blog and I’ll never need or want a refund.

    I felt so bad for my behavior that I just submitted my “Make Room for Kids” donation. Guilt is a powerful emotion and people donate based on emotion. Huzzah!

    dramamama



  43. Still A Fan
    December 1, 2009 9:50 pm

    I blame everyone! Arians certainly could have called more rollouts and/or QB options/draws. I just told somebody today who asked me what’s up with my Steelers that big plays happen against our D but Troy can stop a 12 yard gain at 12. He has the speed to choose a not so perfect angle. I am so sick of reading the back of Carter’s jersey I could puke. BLARGURGLE….BLECH! There. Also, I text back and forth the entire game with my boy Corn Bread back in my hometown. I just thumbed through my texts from Sunday and I send “Gay $@!*ing Blows” no less than 9 times. Can there not be a better free agent out there than William Gay? I was mad they let McFadden walk. Did we offer him anything? It amazed StillaDog and myself how far off of people he was playing when we attended the Vikings game. I think I understand the reasoning. The reasoning is, we want to play man with him but we can’t afford to get beat deep. If we play way off with him, the LBs can pressure the QB into mistakes eventually so giving up stuff underneath is acceptable until we can force a turnover or something. IDK. I just know we lost 5 games that were all winnable.



  44. Still A Fan
    December 1, 2009 9:54 pm

    oh, and I’ll take the box of rocks and give the points.

    and to clarify – i meant Troy stops a great run at 12 yards. Right now, guys that make it past the LBs are getting 20+….heck 30+

    I’m screaming “just TRIP HIM” at the tv and scaring my daughter



  45. unsatisfied
    December 1, 2009 10:38 pm

    let’s not forget that arians called the plays that won us a SB oh, what — 9 months ago.

    but, of course, it’s a “what have you done for me lately?” world.

    I lay this at the feet of the players — they couldn’t make plays when they had to. the O did the best it could with a 3rd string QB making his first-ever start. and, double D did an alright job — great 1st half, not so great 2nd half (minus his awesome TD run), and ungreat OT. still, not bad.

    as for the D — it has to prove that it can carry the load when troy is out. so far, it can’t.

    and, I don’t blame tomlin as much for what hines said as most people seem to do. hines said it. he’s a grown man who has been in the league for 10 years. no excuse.

    btw, ginny — never, ever apologize for hating that asshole. hate on, sista.



  46. AndyTheo
    December 2, 2009 9:50 am

    I know a lot of people don’t like Ray Lewis. Unfortunately, I think he gets off on it.

    I prefer to think the dude is a clown. Not a clown like a Barnum & Bailey classic clown or Insane Clown Posse clown or even a run-of-the-mill douchey assclown. He’s more of a clown like Marty Wolf at the end of Big Fat Liar; just kind of waiting for some youngster to put him out of his misery.

    My dislike at the moment is more directed at the giant muppet ex-Pitt backup QB and the running back who our defense inexcusably and inexplicably could not recognize was the sole weapon on an otherwise toothless offense.



  47. tat2dsteelergal
    December 2, 2009 10:39 am

    I would LOVE to see a box of rocks sitting on the sidelines with a headset on…clipboard propped up against the side…His nice 80’s sunglasses placed on top. Couldn’t be much worse than the real thing…



  48. Steelman
    December 3, 2009 2:54 pm

    It amazes me how Lebeau has fallen from grace with many of the readers. His #1 Defense in 2008-09 was the main reason we got to the Super Bowl and pulled out a win in the waning seconds. The loss of Troy is huge. He has an instinct for the ball and would have broken up a half dozen pass plays during the season that instead resulted in long completions and ultimate defeat.

    BA has no imagination. Why does his carry a large 11 x 17 play card? He only needs a 3×5 index card. For crying out loud, pass on 1st down once in a while!



  49. mark
    December 7, 2009 10:52 am

    HAHA! How’s everyone feeling this fine Monday morning? Another 4th qtr collapse to the hapless Raiders… at home! Good Job Squeelers.