What hell that we wrought?!
Whose madness is this?!
Three losses in a row?
TYLER PALKO A STEELER?!?
People are swan-diving off the bandwagon left and right.
Tonight, I had THIS conversation with my father:
Me: Did you stay up to watch the game?
Dad: [GIANT GIANT EYEROLL]
Me: Me too. What horrible play-calling.
Dad: Bruce Arians’ play-calling is completely uninspired. Has been for ages. The defense is the reason we won the Super Bowl.
Now, now. I wouldn’t exactly put it like that. I mean, hello Duke of Fug/Earl of Gross to The Asshat in the endzone in the last minute to win the game?!
This game, I would put more like this:
Yeah, that sums it up quite nicely, no?
1. First, let’s get through some superficial PISS YOU OFF stuff. The Ravens handed out a purple and white towel to their fans to wave during the game, did you notice? While trolling the Baltimore Sun site for pictures of despondent Steelers fans slitting their wrists while crunching on cyanide pills, I found this little gem with these cute little comments:
- Those obnoxious towels those pittsburgh clowns wave are ridiculous. why would we wanna be anything like that. Note to Ravens: NEVER DO THAT AGAIN!!!!
- Towel waving is stupid, like doing the wave. Only follow the crowd types like Pittsburgh wave towels. They remind me of the little old ladies at church conventions who wave hankies as they send off missionaries. It’s just not manly.
- Pittsburgh has their towels – fine! So why don’t we ban the swinging of the towels in M & T Stadium? If someone (aka a Steeler fan) swings one, it is confiscated.
Yes, we’re “follow the crowd types” and that’s why one day Myron Cope woke up and said, “Hell. EVERYONE is waving towels, so why don’t we start doing that?”
I hope Myron’s ghost poops in those guys’ closets tonight. Wait. Yes, Myron has confirmed he will poop in their closets but ONLY after eating Primantis.
2. Speaking of Ravens’ fans. Separated at birth?
3. I sure do like Dennis Dixon and thought he showed some real talent. One thing in particular that stuck out to me was that he seemed to know when to get rid of the ball before being sacked, something that has ALWAYS irritated me about the Duke of Fug and the Earl of Gross. Thank God Dixon didn’t take any pointers from Benny.
4. Realizing Benny, what with his recent concussion, wasn’t giving him the best advice, Dennis must have talked to The Asshat.
5. How about when Dennis ran the tochdown in himself and Benny was jumping up and down and up and down on the sidelines like a fat kid trying to get picked for a team at recess?
First, Benny’s unabashed joy for Dixon, touched me. Second, Benny … is fat.
He couldn’t be more Chunk from Goonies unless he actually ate Chunk from Goonies.
6. A reader commented that Skippy Skeeve made a tackle, but somehow I missed it! Never saw it! Do you suppose I’ve become selectively blind when it comes to Skippy, refusing to see his redeeming qualities?
7. Speaking of a tackle, PLEASE tell me I am not the only one that saw Daniel Sepulvedanomnomnomnom chase down that Raven, lunge with all of his might, catch him around the knees and bring that son of a gross smelly bird down? It ended up being unneccesary due to a flag, but STILL!
NOM NOM NOM!
8. Speaking of nasty birds, what the hell is the Ravens mascot supposed to be and please phrase your answer in the form of “meth-addled penguin.”
9. I hate Ray Lewis. I’m sorry. I know we shouldn’t hate and I’m sure Troysus doesn’t hate ANYBODY, but I can’t help it. I hate him. And did you see his post-game interview in which he talked about he and that other player touching each other?
He has lost his marbles. Which computes:
If you don’t get the Hungry Hungry Hippos reference, you can’t be my friend anymore.
10. [In this point, please pretend I eloquently ripped Bruce Arians a new asshole and posted a side-by-side comparing his photo to a box of rocks or some other equally stupid inanimate object that would probably have called better, more inspired offensive plays than Bruce did, instead of the same old same old.]
11. After the game, Mike Tomlin said:
“We will not go gently,” Tomlin emphatically declared afterward. “We won’t go in a shell. We’ll go into attack mode because that’s what’s required.”
Okay, here’s the thing. We should have been in attack mode from day one because we are the defending champions and that means everyone brings their A games to play us.
I appreciate the President Whitmore speech, but we’ve got injuries to so many of our necessary players, a locker room in turmoil because Hines Ward is a pouty poopy baby who says the dumbest thing imaginable to the national media and basically says that Ben should have played with a concussion, an increasingly failing defense, a doofus for an offensive coordinator, and special teams that are definitely special but not in the “Isn’t that SPECIAL?” way but more in the “Don’t give her scissors. She’s, you know, SPECIAL.” way.
I’m not saying the season is lost, I’m just saying we better win next week or I really WILL be able to find pictures of cyanide-popping fans and the ghost of Myron Cope really will shit in Bruce Arians’ closet.
12. Oh, what the hell.