Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow,
creeps in this petty pace from day to day,
’til the last syllable of recorded time.
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools the way to dusty death.
Out, out brief candle!
Life’s but a walking shadow — a poor player that struts and frets his hour upon stage and then is heard no more.
It is a tale, told by an idiot, full of sound and fury.
Thank you Norwin High School’s now-retired Mr. Donnelley for me remembering that passage from heart. I bet if you Google it, I’m no more than two or three words off.
Showy Shakespeare recollections aside, if Mike Tomlin can pull out and recite the empty words of artists, then so can I.
What with his ludicrous talk of “not going gently into the night,” because, LOOK! There go the Steelers, tiptoeing down the hall to their beds, bellies full of warm milk and gingerbread, their toes peeking from their long nightgowns, yawns on their lips, and nary a sound on a cold winter’s night.
WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED? What happened to “unleashing hell”?! They unleashed at most, a burp.
We lost four in a row and this one to the Oakland RAIDERS, a team so bad I often hear my brother-in-law, their biggest fan, say, “Well, Oakland only lost by 14 today! [triumphant fist pump!]”
Up is down. Down is up. West is north. Jeff Reed is hot. EVERYTHING IS WRONG. Like Tina Fey wrote, “Is this the apocalypse?”
I guess we have to talk about the game?
There. We talked about the game.
Okay, fine. We’ll really talk about the game.
1. I have always been a fan of Bruce Gradkowski’s. Sure I made fun of the fact that he writes like he’s in 4th grade, but he is in fact an official Smokin’ Hot Burgher, so if we had to lose to the Raiders, I’m pleased that it was because native son Bruce Gradkowski had the game of his life.
2. Somebody go steal Gerry Dulac’s lunch money.
3. The thing with this game was, it started out just fine with a sweet kickoff return by the Steelers, something we haven’t seen since 370 B.C., and everyone seemed pretty confident.
4. But Tomlin went for it on 4th and 1 and we failed to get it. Then he let Jeff Skippy Skeeve Reed attempt a 53-yard field goal while we were up 10-6 knowing that Skippy hasn’t nailed anything over a 46-yarder, what, all season? Jeff failed, too.
These two things ended up mattering and that means, coaching fail.
Tomlin said the reason he went for it was because of Jeff’s pre-game warm-up performance. Unless Jeff hit five 55-yard field goals in a row while he was warming up, it was a DUMB decision.
5. Tomlin today said he may bench some starters for the Cleveland game and this is me jumping up and down and pointing enthusiastically at Ike Taylor’s punk ass.
Please go watch the 75-yard touchdown play and watch as Ike Taylor basically gives up pursuit and pushes Raider Louis Murphy into the end zone with the ball.
Troy Polamalu would have RIPPED LOUIS MURPHY’S KNEES OUT AND SHOVED THEM DOWN HIS THROAT BEFORE PRAYING TO GOD FOR HIS SOUL.
Goodbye, Ike and the rest of you miserable defensive backs.
6. Santonio The Asshat Holmes had a HELL of a game, and Hines was solid as usual with his touchdown that SHOULD have won the game for us.
7. Problem is, Bruce Gradkowski suddenly is on fire and deadly accurate.
And he’s somehow found his man in the endzone and by “somehow” I mean “GOD ALMIGHTY OUR PASS DEFENSE SUCKS HARDER THAN THE HARDEST-SUCKING BUCCO OF SUCKITUDE.”
8. So, Steeler Nation is stunned silent and Ben has like ten seconds to win the game and that of course means a Hail Mary. Mother of God, Limas Sweed plays football like someone chopped his frickin’ hands off. The ball drops to the ground and the Steelers are losers and the Raiders are winners and hot is cold and wet is dry and winter is warm and David Conrad returned my email.
We’re not looking too good as a team capable of making the playoffs.
Boy do WE EVER NEED A WIN! And I can’t believe I’m worried we’re going to lose to the Browns, because last year that would have been like worrying the Steelers were going to lose to a team of armpit hairs.
9. I’m not saying it’s why we suck, I’m just saying, I know what could help us get a win:
But that’s not all we need.
We are a team with lots of problems in almost every facet of the game. Maybe that’s because everyone wants to beat the champions so they bring their A++ game, while we, the champions, grow complacent and only bring our C game.
Tomlin stood on a wall in the locker room after the game, watching how his players reacted and how they dealt with postgame interviews.
Mike, we don’t need you on that wall. Come down off the wall, look long and hard at your team up close and personal and then look long and hard in the mirror. This loss is on EVERYONE.
The fact remains that we have lost to the worst teams in the NFL and if we can’t beat Cleveland, we don’t deserve to be in the playoffs this year.
Here’s hoping we play better than armpit hairs.
Jeff Reed, you go practice your 55-yarders. Troysus, you get better. Steeler Nation, you stop flinging yourself from high perches.
And Limas Sweed and Ike Taylor? As Shakespeare once wrote, “A plague on both your houses, you giant losers.”
I may have added that last part. But if Shakespeare had watched the game yesterday, he’d have been all, “Forsooth, what in God’s name is this suck? Would suck by any other name be just as sucky? What a piece of suck is this? To suck or not to suck? They chose suck.”
Forsooth, indeed, Will.