What to buy the Steeler in your life for Christmas.

Presenting That’s Church’s first ever Gift Guide for the Pittsburgh Steelers.

The Steelers make craploads (hiya, Najeh!) of money and that can make them hard to shop for once Christmas rolls around.  I’m here to help you by showing you the gifts sure to be useful for that Steeler on your gift list.

1.  Jeff Skippy Skeeve Foul Dwarf Did Her Did Her Kicked That Did Her Did Her Gonna Do Her Reed

Jeff Reed is hard to control, especially when he’s out partying or on a date.  Hell, not even Wonder Woman could handle Skippy.  Five minutes into their date and he’d have her gold bangle bracelets pierced into his nipples and would be peeing enthusiastically into her boots.

Here’s a little something to help Jeff Reed avoid a pesky DUI, because after “Beating Shit out of Paper Towel Dispenser” and “Putting Dukes up with a Police Officer,” DUI is the next logical step on his path toward professional and personal ruin.  The AlcoHAWK® Slim Breathalyzer!

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One little breath and Jeffy will know if he can safely get behind the wheel of a car or if he should call his Daddy for a ride, or maybe just wait it out inside the bar where he could make himself more useful by keeping an eye on those misbehaving towel dispensers.

2.  Matt I Don’t Have a Lisp, It Really is Spaeth.

Some men have small, girly bladders and that means the frequent urge to urinate.  Here’s the perfect gift for those men like Matt, the Universal Portable Urinal!

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It beats peeing onto the sidewalk or into Wonder Woman’s boots.

Also, no, you would NOT want to purchase this gift for Skippy because he would likely use it for the ENTIRELY WRONG THING and then he’s got a Public Indecency charge on top of it all.

3.  Cabbage Patch Baby Casey Cici Donna Hampton

A man needs to eat, does he not?  He does, and you’ll want to get him TWO books this year.  First The Marshmallow Fluff Cookbook:

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And for the next time ESPN Magazine asks him to be photographed naked for zoom-in-able pictures, this book might help him do the merciful thing, and say “No.”

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Yes, I agree, there is an uncanny similarity between Casey’s belly and the belly of the Naked Mole Rat.  Uncanny!

4.  The Duke of Fug and the Earl of Gross

If you’re Hines Ward and you drew Ben Roethlisberger’s recently-concussed name in the Secret Santa hat at work, here’s the PERFECT gift for Benny:

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Shake it off, Benny! It’s perfectly normal to bleed from your eyeballs!

But if you or I are buying for The Duke, clearly he could use the As Seen On TV Neckline Slimmer.

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Work those chins, Benny.

5.  Troysus Polamalu

The ninth-dirtiest player in the NFL must be getting his badassosity from the Bible because it’s the only book he reads.  Until you buy him this one.

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I hope somewhere in that book, Samson teaches Troysus how to prevent knee injuries.

6. Hines Boo-Hoo Boo-Hoo Ward

Hines could surely use this adorable little pacifier.

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Maybe it will help him learn to keep his mouth shut lest the Karma Boomerang smack his ass with a pulled hammy.  Oh, wait. It already did.  Bazinga!

7.  Santonio The Asshat Holmes

I imagine this gift would do wonders to encourage Santonio to smoke his weed in the safe confines of his own home, rather than smoking it whilst cruising the lower-Hill in his late-model black SUV blaring out beats loud enough to disrupt pacemakers.  The Stoner Trivia Marijuana Themed Card Game!

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Or he might enjoy measuring a certain part of his anatomy on this beautiful keepsake Growing Like a Weed Growth chart!

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Three inches in one month!  Unbelievable!

8.  Limas Can’t Catch H1N1 Sweed

For the man who apparently coated his hands in Teflon, Sticky Ass Waterproof Stubbornly Strong Glue

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The football won’t stand a chance.

9.  Ike Here Let Me Personally Escort You Into the End Zone Taylor

The Playskool Magic Tea Party Set!

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Because he sure as hell isn’t going to be playing football.

10. Daniel Sepulvedanomnomnom

My phone number.

11. Mike [insert hyperbole here] Tomlin

Every coach should have a motivational poster hanging in his office to give him that extra push he needs to be the best coach he can.

Here’s one you can get for Coach Tomlin:

hope poster

Ain’t that church?

(h/t Missy for inspiring the whole post)





43 Comments

  1. mis
    December 9, 2009 12:17 pm

    The tea party set………I can’t stop laughing!



  2. Steelerslover
    December 9, 2009 3:53 pm

    This post is so funny! Especially #10 :)



  3. S
    December 9, 2009 3:58 pm

    Ginny,

    You need to make a correction to #10. Instead of your phone number is should say my house key!!

    S



  4. Woy
    December 9, 2009 3:59 pm

    Those are the gifts that could keep on giving the whole season – just too bad there’s only two games after Christmas.

    Awesome.



  5. Carpetbagger
    December 9, 2009 4:13 pm

    Why leave out the other ballpark? Here’s a Pirates money clip… it only comes with ones because they are dirt po’, you know.



  6. Jennifer Melnick Carota
    December 9, 2009 4:26 pm

    LMAO…Two thumbs up! Going to share this post like crazy!



  7. SpudMom
    December 9, 2009 4:52 pm

    I have that pacifier for my 9 month old. He’s outgrown it. I’ll donate it to Cici Donna if yinz want.



  8. Clair
    December 9, 2009 5:02 pm

    I am laughing here, and I think my kids are looking at me as if I am a nutcase (and then they ran downstairs!).
    Too funny…but really, highly accurate!!!



  9. Pensgirl
    December 9, 2009 5:33 pm

    This made my day.



  10. TheBurghDude
    December 9, 2009 5:33 pm

    Perfect!



  11. Sooska
    December 9, 2009 5:35 pm

    HO!HO!HO! Sugar plums!

    Give some of that glue to Joe Burnett too.

    Sepulveda can come down my chimney any day.

    Good stuff Ginny!



  12. bluzdude
    December 9, 2009 6:30 pm

    So when do we start a new fundraising drive to buy this stuff?



  13. Sunshine
    December 9, 2009 6:31 pm

    Love it.



  14. Moody
    December 9, 2009 7:24 pm

    Sooo funny

    And Bazinga!!
    I heart Sheldon too



  15. Jen
    December 9, 2009 7:35 pm

    This is… just the best post ever.



  16. CarolineFB
    December 9, 2009 7:50 pm

    Awesome. You had me at bazinga.



  17. steeler_tom
    December 9, 2009 8:30 pm

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
    You nailed the whole friggin’ list!
    I’m like fallin outta my chair laughin!



  18. Aunt Janice
    December 9, 2009 10:15 pm

    Ginny & Missy – you both are hysterical!!



  19. mfj
    December 9, 2009 10:17 pm

    #10: You know, I’ve been thinking; what’s the one difference between last year’s Super Bowl champs and this year’s crop of stumbling gobsmacked pig’s breakfast? Mitch Berger. For better or worse, apparently the paunchy diminutive short-kicking grandpappy Bergermeister was the glue. He’s with the Broncos now. They’re 8-4. The glue, somehow.



  20. Leslie
    December 10, 2009 8:07 am

    This is great. Can’t stop laughing about Limas Can’t Catch H1N1 Sweed. Love it!



  21. Jason (from Cranberry)
    December 10, 2009 8:38 am

    I get why Limas would need the stickiness, but why would he need “ass glue?”



  22. facie
    December 10, 2009 8:50 am

    Hilarious. Yet not enough to counteract the fear I am feeling about tonight’s game. I can’t believe I am worried about the Steelers losing to the 1-100 Brownies.



  23. Jaime
    December 10, 2009 9:26 am

    I was hoping that you were giving Sepulvada MY phone number for Christmas! Darn!



  24. AndyTheo
    December 10, 2009 9:31 am

    Remember on Family Matters when Steve Urkel built a transformation chamber to turn himself in to Stefan Urquelle? Can we get one of those for each and every cornerback on the roster?



  25. JustCele
    December 10, 2009 9:49 am

    Priceless!



  26. MM
    December 10, 2009 9:54 am

    love that you love big bang and were able to incorporate BAZINGA!



  27. ksm
    December 10, 2009 10:02 am

    This may very well be my favorite post ever!



  28. Vivian formerly NYLuvsPitts
    December 10, 2009 10:26 am

    :) Love it!!!



  29. chrys
    December 10, 2009 11:53 am

    priceless!! Loved it! :D



  30. tw
    December 10, 2009 1:16 pm

    LOVE IT, LOVE IT, LOVE IT!!!

    Ginny…you just made my day! Thanks for the laugh. :)



  31. red pen mama
    December 10, 2009 3:11 pm

    That was fantastic. I especially laughed at #6. Thanks for the giggles, again.

    And look at that, $13,000+! And you didn’t even use guilt today!

    ciao,
    rpm



  32. whsicldtell
    December 10, 2009 3:22 pm

    $13,000 + YAY YAY YAY YAY



  33. PG Wodehouse
    December 10, 2009 3:25 pm

    Wow, $13,000 which doesn’t even include the $5k from Ikea so really it is more like $18,000. Thank goodness Ginny use her powers for niceness instead of evil.



  34. DG
    December 11, 2009 12:18 am

    I think we need to buy the entire secondary the will to continue playing in the NFL. Love the Stillers but want to punch certain members in the head.



  35. Scott R Priester
    December 11, 2009 7:34 am

    Once again, Jeff Reed haters, if it weren’t for him last night……………



  36. JeanC
    December 11, 2009 9:18 am

    Is it sad that I think the only redeeming part of last night’s loss will be Ginny’s next post about our suckitude? At least I can have some laughter to make up for all of my screaming at the tv last night. Maybe we should have a Bucco’s vs. Steelers game to boost our morale… then again isn’t that what we thought about playing the Browns?



  37. unsatisfied
    December 11, 2009 9:41 am

    it’s not like we won, scott r priester….



  38. Just A Simple Man
    December 11, 2009 9:48 am

    What can you say about them last night other than… LOSERS!
    It all started with the coaching staff promising change and urgency then delivery neither.
    The players followed their coaches lead… sad.



  39. spoon
    December 11, 2009 1:13 pm

    all those damn bandwagoners jumping off bridges into the rivers are going to clog it up so tug boats can’t get through. WHAT ABOUT THE TUGBOATS!



  40. ScottRPriester
    December 11, 2009 1:35 pm

    You are correct unsatisfied, but if it weren’t for him, there wouldn’t have been ANY points.



  41. spoon
    December 11, 2009 2:37 pm

    helped ya cover the point spread eh?



  42. Leigh Ann
    December 11, 2009 11:56 pm

    I love your post, it was ridiculously funny! However, for the record, if it wasn’t for Jeff Reed we wouldn’t have had any points on the board. And I would love to try to be that one Wonder woman to try to handle him!! I LOVE JEFF REED ALWAYS!! :)



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