Presenting That’s Church’s first ever Gift Guide for the Pittsburgh Steelers.
The Steelers make craploads (hiya, Najeh!) of money and that can make them hard to shop for once Christmas rolls around. I’m here to help you by showing you the gifts sure to be useful for that Steeler on your gift list.
1. Jeff Skippy Skeeve Foul Dwarf Did Her Did Her Kicked That Did Her Did Her Gonna Do Her Reed
Jeff Reed is hard to control, especially when he’s out partying or on a date. Hell, not even Wonder Woman could handle Skippy. Five minutes into their date and he’d have her gold bangle bracelets pierced into his nipples and would be peeing enthusiastically into her boots.
Here’s a little something to help Jeff Reed avoid a pesky DUI, because after “Beating Shit out of Paper Towel Dispenser” and “Putting Dukes up with a Police Officer,” DUI is the next logical step on his path toward professional and personal ruin. The AlcoHAWK® Slim Breathalyzer!
One little breath and Jeffy will know if he can safely get behind the wheel of a car or if he should call his Daddy for a ride, or maybe just wait it out inside the bar where he could make himself more useful by keeping an eye on those misbehaving towel dispensers.
2. Matt I Don’t Have a Lisp, It Really is Spaeth.
It beats peeing onto the sidewalk or into Wonder Woman’s boots.
Also, no, you would NOT want to purchase this gift for Skippy because he would likely use it for the ENTIRELY WRONG THING and then he’s got a Public Indecency charge on top of it all.
3. Cabbage Patch Baby Casey Cici Donna Hampton
A man needs to eat, does he not? He does, and you’ll want to get him TWO books this year. First The Marshmallow Fluff Cookbook:
And for the next time ESPN Magazine asks him to be photographed naked for zoom-in-able pictures, this book might help him do the merciful thing, and say “No.”
Yes, I agree, there is an uncanny similarity between Casey’s belly and the belly of the Naked Mole Rat. Uncanny!
4. The Duke of Fug and the Earl of Gross
If you’re Hines Ward and you drew Ben Roethlisberger’s recently-concussed name in the Secret Santa hat at work, here’s the PERFECT gift for Benny:
Shake it off, Benny! It’s perfectly normal to bleed from your eyeballs!
But if you or I are buying for The Duke, clearly he could use the As Seen On TV Neckline Slimmer.
Work those chins, Benny.
5. Troysus Polamalu
The ninth-dirtiest player in the NFL must be getting his badassosity from the Bible because it’s the only book he reads. Until you buy him this one.
I hope somewhere in that book, Samson teaches Troysus how to prevent knee injuries.
6. Hines Boo-Hoo Boo-Hoo Ward
Hines could surely use this adorable little pacifier.
Maybe it will help him learn to keep his mouth shut lest the Karma Boomerang smack his ass with a pulled hammy. Oh, wait. It already did. Bazinga!
7. Santonio The Asshat Holmes
I imagine this gift would do wonders to encourage Santonio to smoke his weed in the safe confines of his own home, rather than smoking it whilst cruising the lower-Hill in his late-model black SUV blaring out beats loud enough to disrupt pacemakers. The Stoner Trivia Marijuana Themed Card Game!
Or he might enjoy measuring a certain part of his anatomy on this beautiful keepsake Growing Like a Weed Growth chart!
Three inches in one month! Unbelievable!
8. Limas Can’t Catch H1N1 Sweed
For the man who apparently coated his hands in Teflon, Sticky Ass Waterproof Stubbornly Strong Glue
The football won’t stand a chance.
9. Ike Here Let Me Personally Escort You Into the End Zone Taylor
Because he sure as hell isn’t going to be playing football.
10. Daniel Sepulvedanomnomnom
My phone number.
11. Mike [insert hyperbole here] Tomlin
Every coach should have a motivational poster hanging in his office to give him that extra push he needs to be the best coach he can.
Ain’t that church?
(h/t Missy for inspiring the whole post)