It snowed in June.
The sun went ’round the moon.
And now I’ve managed to slip into a treacly Vanessa Williams song when I should be slipping into “Crying” by Roy Orbison or “Everybody Hurts” by R.E.M. or “End of the Road” by Boys2Men or “Where’s God When I’m Scared” by the Veggie Tales.
The point is, the impossible happened and the Steelers lost to armpit hairs.
In the wise words of Tiger Woods, “I will wear you out.” No, wait, I mean, “When’s the last time you got [bleeped]?” No, not that one either. I mean, “You can always get better.”
Yes, that one.
And seeing how horrible the Pittsburgh Steelers are right now, and seeing how very hard they are digging in futility at the bottom, trying to get BENEATH the rock, there is nowhere for them to go but up and there is no possible way they can get worse.
4. STAB! [Hiya, Ike Taylor voodoo doll]
5. First person we need to talk about is The Boss. The Man. Mike Tomlin.
He promised to unleash hell in December and then unleashed nothing.
He promised to not go gently into the night and then sent his team to bed like good little kids on Christmas Eve.
He promised changes. CHANGES. BIG CHANGES, PITTSBURGH. I’m going to bench asses, yo! is basically what he said, and then he did …
A big giant pile of nothing. Same starters. Same stupid plays. Same stupid mistakes. SAME!
I believe it goes that doing the same thing and expecting different results is the very definition of “crazy” and lo and behold, Mike Tomlin HAS GONE KA-RAZY, because look at what he said after the loss to the Raiders:
“Moving forward this week and beyond, we can’t continue to do what we’ve been doing and assume that that pattern of behavior is going to change and those outcomes are going to change. So we’re analyzing all aspects of what we’re doing here, specifically this week, and are going to be aggressive in terms of looking at potential changes in not only what we do schematically, but who we have do it in all three phases.”
Maybe he was talking about the phases of the moon or something because nothing is making sense.
It gets better. He then said:
“We can’t stay status quo in terms of how we’re approaching this thing and expect the pattern of behavior or outcome to change,” Tomlin explained. “That’s unrealistic. That’s hoping. This is not a hope business. I’m not a hope-mentality person.”
To be quite honest with you, I’m getting so riled up writing this post that I’M MOVING MY LIPS AS I’M WRITING THESE WORDS! I’m also typing with BOTH of my middle fingers sticking up in the air. That ain’t easy, yo, but that’s how much I care.
I still love Mike Tomlin, but I’m having trouble remembering him as the Smokin’ Hot Burgher wearing the Sunglasses of Football Justice and instead I’m seeing him as, well, CRAZY!
That, or Carl Winslow. Put away the crazy and bring back the hot, Mike.
7. Because he’s a badass, Hines Ward played with a pulled hammy, dropped a potential touchdown pass, and of course, wept on the sidelines after the loss. As per his usual.
SO glad I got him that pacifier.
Look, even his Mickey Mouse tattoo is all, “Talk to the hand, whiny bitch.” [gasp!] I’m being mean now. Meh.
8. The Special Teams of Suck continued their suck by allowing Joshua Cribbs to have another huge punt return.
Only good thing that came out of that was watching Daniel Sepulvedanomnom once again school Jeff Reed in the art of the tackle.
Seriously, if you missed this part of the game because you were maybe vomiting or something, go watch the video.
I know this is probably a weird word to use to describe Daniel chasing down Cribbs and bringing his ass down, but, DELICIOUS!
9. However, I can’t say a bad word about Skippy today because he scored EVERY ONE OF OUR POINTS! Go get yourself some sluts, my friend. I think Tiger might have some he’s no longer using.
10. Mendenhall and Parker had less than 20 carries between the two of them in a game where the wind was strong enough to send Casey Hampton airborne. Gerry Dulac, who predicted the Steelers would lose, wrote:
To run just 12 times in the first half and only 15 times in three quarters against one of the league’s worst rush defenses — and with 45 mph wind gusts — was inexcusable.
11. The O-Line is gone. Vaporized. Or they were just holograms because the Browns were running right through them on enough plays to allow The Duke to be sacked EIGHT times. By the Browns. EIGHT TIMES! BY THE BROWNS! WHO PREVIOUSLY COULDN’T SACK POTATOES!
How does that even happen?
I think maybe this witch had something to do with it.
12. I don’t know what more I can say. It’s as if they gave up and bailed out of there like their plane was floating on the Hudson.
You are now free to move about the country, because you guys sure as hell aren’t going to the playoffs.
Next week. Packers. I’m fully expecting that post to start with, “LETS GO PENS!”