This post was written prior to yesterday’s win over the Packers, but I’m going to post it anyway for two reasons, 1. I spent time on it and 2. the secondary still sucks.
While I was sick, Steelers safety Ryan Clark apparently went batshit crazy because his poor widdle feelwings were hurt by all of the fans and the media taking issue with the fact that the Steelers took Abject Suck lessons from the Pirates.
Let’s have a look at some of the dumb shit Ryan Clark said on the record last week.
1. Dumb shit the first.
“The one thing I’m not going to do, I’m not going to be depressed,” he said. “I’m not going to go home and beat my wife, you know what I mean?”
No, we don’t know what you mean, because the rest of us, if we were speaking that sentence, we would probably say something like I’m not going to be depressed and go home and drink. Or go home and sleep for three days. Or go home and watch Anne of Green Gables for 12 straight hours (at least that’s my therapy for depression and it totes works). No, Ryan Clark went with GO HOME AND BEAT MY WIFE.
Because that is apparently what he believes people naturally do when they are depressed. Beat their spouses.
Dear Ryan Clark. Depressed people don’t beat their wives. Assholes do.
2. Dumb shit the second.
“You watch the [Philadelphia] Eagles, you watch the big plays. You watch things given up. And I started checking other media outlets. You don’t hear the things about them in their media that you hear about us. So either we’re held to a higher standard or the people that write about us are turds.”
This smells SUSPICIOUSLY like Ryan is making an excuse. Everyone else gives up big plays, so why you got to whine when we do, huh, Steeler nation? Huh?
I’ll tell you why, Ryan, because A. you won the Super Bowl last year yet this year you’re playing like a team of geriatric paraplegics and B. the Eagles are 9-4 and you are 6-7 and C. YOU ARE PAID MILLIONS OF DOLLARS TO NOT GIVE UP BIG PLAYS.
It’s your motherloving job and if your job was to, I don’t know, plow the roads and you didn’t plow the roads, guess what? People would whine and write about it and would hold you not to a HIGHER standard, but the ONLY standard by which you are to do your job and that is this standard … DO YOUR FREAKING JOB.
And if you think the national media hasn’t a negative thing to say about the Steelers, have a look at #4, scanned in from this week’s edition of ESPN magazine:
3. Dumb shit the third.
Clark posted a letter he received from a fan on the team’s bulletin board in the locker room. He said the writer basically details “why we stink so bad.” He invited reporters to read it, but a club spokesperson removed it before that happened.
Maybe you stink so bad, because you’re a turd. Or because you have turds in your diaper, you whiny baby.
4. Dumb shit the fourth.
“It’s obviously frustrating, but it’s not going to be despair,” Clark said. “You get hate mail from fans, they tell you that you [stink] and all that. And that’s fine, because there’s a reason they watch the game.”
Yes, Ryan, PLEASE don’t despair. We don’t want you going home and beating the shit out of your wife “in despair.”
Also, $100 says he said “suck” where it says “[stink]”. Why won’t PG use the word suck? It’s a fantastic word. As Buddy the Elf says, “IT’S VERY SUCKY!”
5. Dumb shit the fifth.
“This becomes your life, this takes over your life. We’re working hard, man. None of us are going out there like I want to give up a play today. None of us are going out there like we want to lose.”
Ryan, you have lost to the Raiders, the Chiefs, and the Browns. Are you ABSOLUTELY sure you guys don’t want to lose? Because by my math, there are only two possible sums of Loss to Raiders + Loss to Chiefs + loss to Browns, and those are “SUCK” or “DESIRE TO LOSE.”
There is no math in any book that would let those add up to “Man, we’re really trying out here and this is our lives and we’re trying not to go home and beat our wives and you’re hurting my feelings and where’s my binky?”
6. Dumb shit the sixth.
“We have passionate fans, and I love playing in Pittsburgh. You know, I’ve never been in a place that cares more about their sports, their heroes … I love playing here. That one fan or those 10 fans doesn’t discount the whole Steeler nation.”
Ryan, if you believe that there are only ten angry Steelers fans out there right now, I’d like to throw a match in your sippy cup to see just what the hell you are drinking.
We’re pretty much all of the opinion that you guys suck donkey omelets this year. We all pretty much could probably have written the “you suck” letter you posted from that fan. Because, you see, Ryan, YOU GUYS SUCK.
It’s like Buddy the Elf says, “Fransiscooooo. That’s fun to say. Fransiscooooooo.”
No, I have no point. I just love that movie.
What’s your favorite color?!