OMG. LOL. Turd.

This post was written prior to yesterday’s win over the Packers, but I’m going to post it anyway for two reasons, 1. I spent time on it and 2. the secondary still sucks.

While I was sick, Steelers safety Ryan Clark apparently went batshit crazy because his poor widdle feelwings were hurt by all of the fans and the media taking issue with the fact that the Steelers took Abject Suck lessons from the Pirates.

Let’s have a look at some of the dumb shit Ryan Clark said on the record last week.

1. Dumb shit the first.

“The one thing I’m not going to do, I’m not going to be depressed,” he said. “I’m not going to go home and beat my wife, you know what I mean?”

No, we don’t know what you mean, because the rest of us, if we were speaking that sentence, we would probably say something like I’m not going to be depressed and go home and drink.  Or go home and sleep for three days.  Or go home and watch Anne of Green Gables for 12 straight hours (at least that’s my therapy for depression and it totes works).  No, Ryan Clark went with GO HOME AND BEAT MY WIFE.

Because that is apparently what he believes people naturally do when they are depressed.  Beat their spouses.

Dear Ryan Clark.  Depressed people don’t beat their wives.  Assholes do.

2. Dumb shit the second.

“You watch the [Philadelphia] Eagles, you watch the big plays. You watch things given up. And I started checking other media outlets. You don’t hear the things about them in their media that you hear about us. So either we’re held to a higher standard or the people that write about us are turds.”

This smells SUSPICIOUSLY like Ryan is making an excuse.  Everyone else gives up big plays, so why you got to whine when we do, huh, Steeler nation?  Huh?

I’ll tell you why, Ryan, because A. you won the Super Bowl last year yet this year you’re playing like a team of geriatric paraplegics and B. the Eagles are 9-4 and you are 6-7 and C. YOU ARE PAID MILLIONS OF DOLLARS TO NOT GIVE UP BIG PLAYS.

It’s your motherloving  job and if your job was to, I don’t know, plow the roads and you didn’t plow the roads, guess what?  People would whine and write about it and would hold you not to a HIGHER standard, but the ONLY standard by which you are to do your job and that is this standard … DO YOUR FREAKING JOB.

And if you think the national media hasn’t a negative thing to say about the Steelers, have a look at #4, scanned in from this week’s edition of ESPN magazine:

3.  Dumb shit the third.

Clark posted a letter he received from a fan on the team’s bulletin board in the locker room. He said the writer basically details “why we stink so bad.” He invited reporters to read it, but a club spokesperson removed it before that happened.

Maybe you stink so bad, because you’re a turd.  Or because you have turds in your diaper, you whiny baby.

4.  Dumb shit the fourth.

“It’s obviously frustrating, but it’s not going to be despair,” Clark said. “You get hate mail from fans, they tell you that you [stink] and all that. And that’s fine, because there’s a reason they watch the game.”

Yes, Ryan, PLEASE don’t despair. We don’t want you going home and beating the shit out of your wife “in despair.”

Also, $100 says he said “suck” where it says “[stink]”.  Why won’t PG use the word suck? It’s a fantastic word. As Buddy the Elf says, “IT’S VERY SUCKY!”

Update:  You owe me $100 because “suck” it was.

5. Dumb shit the fifth.

“This becomes your life, this takes over your life. We’re working hard, man. None of us are going out there like I want to give up a play today. None of us are going out there like we want to lose.”

Ryan, you have lost to the Raiders, the Chiefs, and the Browns. Are you ABSOLUTELY sure you guys don’t want to lose? Because by my math, there are only two possible sums of Loss to Raiders + Loss to Chiefs + loss to Browns, and those are “SUCK” or “DESIRE TO LOSE.”

There is no math in any book that would let those add up to “Man, we’re really trying out here and this is our lives and we’re trying not to go home and beat our wives and you’re hurting my feelings and where’s my binky?”

6.  Dumb shit the sixth.

“We have passionate fans, and I love playing in Pittsburgh. You know, I’ve never been in a place that cares more about their sports, their heroes … I love playing here. That one fan or those 10 fans doesn’t discount the whole Steeler nation.”

Ryan, if you believe that there are only ten angry Steelers fans out there right now, I’d like to throw a match in your sippy cup to see just what the hell you are drinking.

We’re pretty much all of the opinion that you guys suck donkey omelets this year.  We all pretty much could probably have written the “you suck” letter you posted from that fan.  Because, you see, Ryan, YOU GUYS SUCK.

It’s like Buddy the Elf says, “Fransiscooooo.  That’s fun to say.  Fransiscooooooo.”

No, I have no point.  I just love that movie.

What’s your favorite color?!





26 Comments

  1. ScareHouse Scott
    December 21, 2009 9:25 am

    “you guys suck donkey omelets” is one of the greatest phrases I have ever read.



  2. PG Wodehouse
    December 21, 2009 9:29 am

    Living in Philadelphia, I’m not sure what Philly media Clark is reading, (perhaps the team website) because Philly media is way more negative than Pittsburgh. And fans and sports media? They get suicidal over stupid stuff.

    To sum up – Clark is an idiot.



  3. spoon
    December 21, 2009 9:30 am

    I seriously wanted to go to practice, find ryan clark and kick him in the nuts. Myself and the kajillion readers of this blog go out every day and bust their ass at their jobs for 1/100000000000th of what he makes. If we screw up we get fired so for him to belly ache is insulting. Ryan, freakin man up you skirt.

    Get a grip Ryan, last night proved you’re a no talent whiny ass clown who was blessed with being in the super bowl. Last night the gods gave you a gift while the whole game all we saw of you was being out ran, out manned and out classed. go give Mike Wallace and Ben a hug because he’s saving your ass right now from Steeler nation waiting for you in the school parking lot at 3.

    Ryan Clark’s favorite color is clear btw…



  4. S
    December 21, 2009 9:35 am

    Thanks Ginny, my Monday morning was sucking big time then I read the following line:

    “Dear Ryan Clark. Depressed people don’t beat their wives. Assholes do.”

    I think maybe the only thing missing from your post was any usage of the word “douchebag”.



  5. AndyTheo
    December 21, 2009 9:39 am

    Dear Ryan,

    I would like to note that your name is spelled almost exactly like “Rynn” which coincidentally is the name of a fantastic luggage store on the South Side. If you haven’t already patronized it, you might want to in the next couple weeks before you’re an ex-Steeler. Cheers and happy holidays!



  6. Mel
    December 21, 2009 9:47 am

    This post is awesome!!!



  7. SpudMom
    December 21, 2009 10:00 am

    I am not a member of Steeler nation but I loved this post for the following:

    Or go home and watch Anne of Green Gables for 12 straight hours (at least that’s my therapy for depression and it totes works).

    I love Anne of Green Gables and have also given up a day or so of my time watching it endlessly.

    Between this and the love for Joshua Kadison I’m getting a little freaked out. :P



  8. Sandy
    December 21, 2009 10:28 am

    Watching Anne of Green Gables is also my preferred method of therapy. Glad to see I’m not the only one.



  9. bluzdude
    December 21, 2009 11:05 am

    I agree with “S”. That line is the very opposite of “suck”.



  10. Nick
    December 21, 2009 11:06 am

    I also think the Steelers SUCK this year but don’t really feel the need to waste my time and write a letter to them. So you can’t up the count to 11 now.



  11. bucdaddy
    December 21, 2009 11:16 am

    Witness, spoon. It took the game of Roethlisberger’s life and a last-second TD to overcome such terrible work by the secondary. That first GB TD? Worst defensive play I think I’ve ever seen.



  12. USCMike
    December 21, 2009 11:31 am

    Ryan, aka “Toast” Clark, can just take his idiotic opinions and attitudes to another team next year. Hopefully one that offers counseling for wife beaters and secondary members who can’t stop a pass to save their lives…

    Oh and I can’t leave a post about beatings without saying what a ‘terrific’ game Max Starks had yesterday. He was beaten so badly by the Packers defense he should be black and blue from head to toe!



  13. bucdaddy
    December 21, 2009 11:55 am

    Wait … the Steelers are still playing? How does losing to the Chiefs, Raiders and Browns in consecutive weeks not disqualify you from playing the rest of the season, much less the playoffs?



  14. Carpetbagger
    December 21, 2009 12:14 pm

    “We elves try to stick to the four main food groups: candy, candy canes, candy corns, and syrup.”

    Mmmmm… syrup.

    Defense sucks hard. Why does everyone want to tar and feather Ariens when the offense sputters, but Dick LeBeau gets a total pass? LeBeau’s schemes only work when he has a freak playing safety. The league has caught up with him. How ’bout some praise for Ariens’ scheme that netted 500+ yards of offense?



  15. facie
    December 21, 2009 12:28 pm

    Ginny, awesome post as usual. You nailed everything perfectly.

    When I read about Whynan Clark crying about fans and the media, I wanted to beat him up (except I have never been in a fight in my life, save for with my brothers, and I am generally a pacifist).

    Not sure if Coach T. was serious about why he called for that onside kick, but assuming he was, HE made sure everyone knows how much the defense has sucked as of late. Wonder if Whynan is going to go off on him now?!



  16. Sooska
    December 21, 2009 3:49 pm

    #2 He needs to eat some Filthadelphia cream cheese with that whine and see how the tin foil hatters fans and media out east behave before he criticizes anything in Pittsburgh.



  17. Still A Fan
    December 21, 2009 5:02 pm

    Ryan was judt frustrated and brings the wood when troy is in. I know troy isn’t in…but I think he’s not the main problem. The corners are playing worse than the middle in my opinion but neither group is playing above C- level.



  18. Paul
    December 21, 2009 5:30 pm

    @carpetbagger I think Steeler Nation would give Arians a break if he knew more than 5 plays! I was actually shocked, SHOCKED, to see a different play yesterday. It didn’t really pan out, but at least he tried something *gasp* DIFFERENT! The O line needs help, the D needs help, and oh my gods of football does our “Special” teams need help. Not just help. Like, emergency, fly in the hueys STAT and get these guys of the field ASAP, sort of help.

    Oh, and wonderful post Ginny! Can’t wait for the “WTRT”



  19. LaReina
    December 21, 2009 5:38 pm

    Ryan and his boys in the secondary tried mightily to lose to the Packers (does anyone on the Steeler defense remember how to tackle?) but Benny finally said, “Enough! I shall pass for 500+ yards, if need be, but we have to win!” and win they did.



  20. JenOH
    December 21, 2009 6:18 pm

    Ginny, I have to agree with you & the posts above regarding “Anne of Green Gables” — love it!

    BTW funny post as usual!



  21. Vivian formerly NY Luvs Pitts
    December 21, 2009 7:28 pm

    Oooooh Ginny, I love Elf too. I wish I could use an Etch-a-Sketch like Elf because I would Etch-a-Sketch Ryan a serious fan hate mail. lol



  22. Steeler_tom
    December 21, 2009 8:24 pm

    First off, way too lengthy of a post for R. Clark, Ginny.

    Clark, if someone even sends you this way to read this. Call me, e-mail me (I think Ginny can provide the e-mail to you.

    You, punk,….Effing suck!
    I’m alowed to be critical of you just like every other steeler fan is. It’s our hard earned money that ultimatly pays your salary you jagoff.
    If you don’t like the fan’s critisim or the team, then do something about it. Quit your sissy, stupid, nonsensical whining. I don’t want to hear about it. The cold hard facts are:
    1. Our defense blows, especially in the 4th quarter. Think I’m happy about the win yesterday? Thing again you tool. Giving up 30 points in the 4th just proves my point that the defense can’t play a full game.
    2. Special teams can’t cover crap. and everyone knows it.
    3. Coaching was stupid yesterday. Simple.
    Proud of that win? Not on your life you pathetic, snivvling little puke. Tired of the critism? Then step up and play hard smashmouth football.
    Oh and when dealing with the press quit trying to be the team savior, and just accept the blame where it belongs. If it ain’t aimed towards you, then STFU.
    I swear,….. I hope you, the whiny non-productive player that you gets cut next year and we get a PROFESSIONAL in your place.

    Clark,…. you make me sick.
    Have a nice life after you leave the burgh!



  23. NS15212
    December 21, 2009 8:30 pm

    “Dear Ryan Clark. Depressed people don’t beat their wives. Assholes do.”

    And Pittsburgh Cops, apparently.

    http://www.pittsburghpostgazette.com/pg/09355/1022472-53.stm



  24. mommydearest1011
    December 21, 2009 10:26 pm

    So speaking of Elf, does anyone else think the duke of fug looks a lot like will ferrell? More cowbell anyone?



  25. Steelman
    December 22, 2009 12:53 am

    Might I add that the Steelers lost to Da Bears who are now 5-9 and struggled to beat Detroit who are 2-12. The Green Bay game notwithstanding, the Steelers have been under achievers this season as much as they were over achievers last season.

    Does anyone in the secondary, other than Troy, know how to catch a football during those rare times when they actually get their hands on it?



  26. Vivian formerly NYLuvsPitts
    December 22, 2009 8:54 am

    @ mommydearest1011: yes lol