- December 21, 2009
- filed under Ben Roethlisberger, Hot Burghers, Mike Tomlin, Steelers, Troy Polamalu
That tweet is obviously from a Packers fan.
This is a good fact for you to tuck away should you ever find yourself in the final moments of Jeopardy and Alex says, “It has been statistically proven that 99% of this NFL team’s fans are the scum of the earth,” you will not only win lots of money, but you will also have a great excuse for when you punch your opponents’ lights out upon winning. “What do you expect? I’m the scum of the Earth, bitches.”
So, yesterday’s game. So many highest of highs and so many lowest of lows.
Receiving, HIGH! Quarterbacking, HIGH! Special teams, low! Coaching, WTF?! Secondary, TURDS!
Before we talk game, be warned I’ve had a few glasses of wine because I’m finally done with the Tamiflu and that meant drinky drinky.
NOW, let’s talk football.
1. All hail Benjamin Roethsliberger, The Duke of Fug and the Earl of Gross! FIVE HUNDRED AND THREE YARDS OF PASSING HOOHA with zero interceptions!
And I wish I could stop there and only be positive, but holy crap Benny, you are looking every syllable of your Duke/Fug title what with the extra fat you’ve stored on your face like an Eskimo preparing for the long winter ahead, and what with your numerous chins, and particularly what with the fug mustache you’re growing for the upcoming retro game.
He needs a shave, a haircut, and negative 30 lbs. of whale blubber.
2. The reason Benny had to throw for so many yards and still only win the game by 1 point was due in part to the once again sucky performance of the Steelers secondary, including whiny-turdy butt Ryan Clark who gave up some very big plays that cost the Steelers some points. Something was very rotten in the state of Steelerdom yesterday.
I’m sure he’s depressed as all hell about his performance yesterday, so here’s me saying a little prayer that he doesn’t go home and BEAT HIS WIFE like depressed people naturally do.
3. We briefly interrupt this What They’re Really Thinking post to gaze longingly, lovingly, and lustfully on one Troysus Polamalu, savior of the secondary:
Now, back to our regular programming.
4. The only thing more idiotic than Mike Tomlin’s call for an onside kick in the fourth when the Steelers were leading by 2 with minutes to go in the game, was what Mike Tomlin SAID about that failed play call:
“I wear that like a badge of honor,” Tomlin said.
What the …? BLLLLLLLLLLLLL.
It was a dumb decision, not a freaking badge of honor. If Mike Wallace hadn’t pulled in that Christmas Miracle pass with 0.00 remaining on the clock, and Mike Tomlin had gone into his press conference to say, “I wear that like a badge of honor” about the onside kick, I would have SERIOUSLY considered revoking his Smokin’ Hot Burgher status.
Luckily, they won, so he gets a pass, but not from Gerry Dulac who gave Tomlin a big red F for coaching the game yesterday.
5. Max Starks. Oy. I have a lot of love for Max because he served as the spokesperson for NEED, where I used to work, and that means it hurts me to say mean things about him. So I’ll let MY FATHER say mean things about him. “That Max Starks is useless today. What a terrible football player he is right now. Look at him, just hopping in a big circle like he’s doing a rain dance around a fire pit, instead of actually blocking. And he’s gotten too fat or something. Like he’s too big to move.”
This of course descended into a Casey Hampton Is Fat conversation, so we’ll end it there.
But remember, Max, I didn’t PERSONALLY say anything bad about you. It was my Daddy who said you suck.
6. Heath and Hines had amazing games with over 100 yards receiving each, but the story of the game is of course the two incredible touchdowns by Mike Wallace, who was a member of my fantasy football team Skippy’s Sluts.
His last-second SuperBowl MVP-like catch with his toes hugging the turf and his body falling down and away was enough to pull me out of my chair so that I could jump around the room a bit. And I bet I wasn’t the only one acting all crazy.
7. Now, I know it happened in my house and I wonder if it happened in yours. When the review came in that the touchdown call stood and that the game would be extended to give Jeff Reed the chance to kick the extra point, did any of you guys say, “Oh, man. Watch Jeff Reed shank the extra point,” or something like that?
But he didn’t. In addition to being accurate on three field goals, he sent that extra point through the uprights and for the first time in six games, the Steelers have actually WON!
So we have a win and there is actually talk that the Steelers have “kept their playoff hopes alive,” which is odd because I thought our playoff chances were dead.
From what I’m reading, what needs to happen is that the Steelers have to win their remaining two games, and the Ravens have to lose their remaining games and then they have to get in a time-machine and go back and lose two or three more games. Then the Denver Broncos have to get caught in a major drug scandal that negates all of their early season wins. Then the Jets need to be overrun with the Swine Flu and they need to infect the entire Jaguars team with it. Then we have to sacrifice Ryan Clark to the football Gods because they are depressed and they want someone they can beat the shit out of for a bit.