What They’re Really Thinking: Faces Edition

That tweet is obviously from a Packers fan.

This is a good fact for you to tuck away should you ever find yourself in the final moments of Jeopardy and Alex says, “It has been statistically proven that 99% of this NFL team’s fans are the scum of the earth,” you will not only win lots of money, but you will also have a great excuse for when you punch your opponents’ lights out upon winning. “What do you expect? I’m the scum of the Earth, bitches.”

So, yesterday’s game.  So many highest of highs and so many lowest of lows.

Receiving, HIGH! Quarterbacking, HIGH! Special teams, low! Coaching, WTF?! Secondary, TURDS!

Before we talk game, be warned I’ve had a few glasses of wine because I’m finally done with the Tamiflu and that meant drinky drinky.

NOW, let’s talk football.

1.  All hail Benjamin Roethsliberger, The Duke of Fug and the Earl of Gross! FIVE HUNDRED AND THREE YARDS OF PASSING HOOHA with zero interceptions!

And I wish I could stop there and only be positive, but holy crap Benny, you are looking every syllable of your Duke/Fug title what with the extra fat you’ve stored on your face like an Eskimo preparing for the long winter ahead, and what with your numerous chins, and particularly what with the fug mustache you’re growing for the upcoming retro game.

He needs a shave, a haircut, and negative 30 lbs. of whale blubber.

2.  The reason Benny had to throw for so many yards and still only win the game by 1 point was due in part to the once again sucky performance of the Steelers secondary, including whiny-turdy butt Ryan Clark who gave up some very big plays that cost the Steelers some points.  Something was very rotten in the state of Steelerdom yesterday.

I’m sure he’s depressed as all hell about his performance yesterday, so here’s me saying a little prayer that he doesn’t go home and BEAT HIS WIFE like depressed people naturally do.

3.  We briefly interrupt this What They’re Really Thinking post to gaze longingly, lovingly, and lustfully on one Troysus Polamalu, savior of the secondary:

[blink]

[blink]

[sigh]

Now, back to our regular programming.

4.  The only thing more idiotic than Mike Tomlin’s call for an onside kick in the fourth when the Steelers were leading by 2 with minutes to go in the game, was what Mike Tomlin SAID about that failed play call:

“I wear that like a badge of honor,” Tomlin said.

What the …?  BLLLLLLLLLLLLL.

It was a dumb decision, not a freaking badge of honor.  If Mike Wallace hadn’t pulled in that Christmas Miracle pass with 0.00 remaining on the clock, and Mike Tomlin had gone into his press conference to say, “I wear that like a badge of honor” about the onside kick, I would have SERIOUSLY considered revoking his Smokin’ Hot Burgher status.

Luckily, they won, so he gets a pass, but not from Gerry Dulac who gave Tomlin a big red F for coaching the game yesterday.

5.  Max Starks.  Oy.  I have a lot of love for Max because he served as the spokesperson for NEED, where I used to work, and that means it hurts me to say mean things about him.  So I’ll let MY FATHER say mean things about him.  “That Max Starks is useless today.  What a terrible football player he is right now.  Look at him, just hopping in a big circle like he’s doing a rain dance around a fire pit, instead of actually blocking.  And he’s gotten too fat or something.  Like he’s too big to move.”

This of course descended into a Casey Hampton Is Fat conversation, so we’ll end it there.

But remember, Max, I didn’t PERSONALLY say anything bad about you. It was my Daddy who said you suck.

6. Heath and Hines had amazing games with over 100 yards receiving each, but the story of the game is of course the two incredible touchdowns by Mike Wallace, who was a member of my fantasy football team Skippy’s Sluts.

His last-second SuperBowl MVP-like catch with his toes hugging the turf and his body falling down and away was enough to pull me out of my chair so that I could jump around the room a bit.  And I bet I wasn’t the only one acting all crazy.

7. Now, I know it happened in my house and I wonder if it happened in yours.  When the review came in that the touchdown call stood and that the game would be extended to give Jeff Reed the chance to kick the extra point, did any of you guys say, “Oh, man. Watch Jeff Reed shank the extra point,” or something like that?

But he didn’t.  In addition to being accurate on three field goals, he sent that extra point through the uprights and for the first time in six games, the Steelers have actually WON!

Ew.

So we have a win and there is actually talk that the Steelers have “kept their playoff hopes alive,” which is odd because I thought our playoff chances were dead.

From what I’m reading, what needs to happen is that the Steelers have to win their remaining two games, and the Ravens have to lose their remaining games and then they have to get in a time-machine and go back and lose two or three more games.  Then the Denver Broncos have to get caught in a major drug scandal that negates all of their early season wins.  Then the Jets need to be overrun with the Swine Flu and they need to infect the entire Jaguars team with it.   Then we have to sacrifice Ryan Clark to the football Gods because they are depressed and they want someone they can beat the shit out of for a bit.

True story.





46 Comments

  1. Huh?
    December 21, 2009 10:50 pm

    I get the whole ‘fug’ thing, I guess. I also hear that he is kind of a jackass in public.

    That said, he doesn’t need to lose 30 lbs. I’m sure one can ‘pinch an inch’ off those Zima induced thighs of yours…

    ..not to be critical.



  2. Clementine
    December 21, 2009 11:07 pm

    1. Benny needs to look in the mirror (like a thousand times a day) and practice not making that post-concussion face. You can see the IQ points leaking out his ears and cascading down his double chins.

    3. Troysus is beautiful. And the gods rejoice. Anyone else hear harp music? No?

    7. OMG, that gerbil is sexing up that poor Steeler. Make it stop!

    3. Aaahhhhh. Yah, baby.



  3. Dear: "Huh?"
    December 21, 2009 11:17 pm

    The Duke is 6’5″ and his real weight is probably tipping over 250 at this point. A man of his size could lose 30 pounds and still have some chub.

    Also, on this here blog PittGirl is our queen and as such it is well known from header to footer that she has a body of granite.

    FURTHERMORE, Zima has been canceled so P-to-the-G has had only a handful of Zimas in a year which she quickly proceeded to work off by facing a horde of pigeons in mortal combat.

    And besides, Zima is a girly drink with less calories than a 16 oz. Coke. In case you’re foolish enough to doubt me:
    * http://www.thedailyplate.com/nutrition-calories/food/coors/zima-citrus
    * http://www.thecoca-colacompany.com/mail/goodanswer/soft_drink_nutrition.pdf

    Good day, sir/ma’am.
    .



  4. PA girl trapped in VA
    December 21, 2009 11:25 pm

    1…I thought the game was pretty good even though our secondary didn’t show for the most part.

    2…Hines, Heath & Mike you were all amazing yesterday.

    3…I miss Troy!! (crying in my terrible towel as I type this)

    4…I was proud of Ben and his passing with no interceptions. (where’s that been all year?)

    5…Ginny asked “did any of you guys say, “Oh, man. Watch Jeff Reed shank the extra point,” or something like that?”…my answer is NO!! I knew he’d get it.

    6…I must thank Jeff for winning the game for us..Jeff I love you even if no one else does (and no I am not one of his sluts)

    7…Thank you Ginny for my early Christmas present, a great ass shot of Jeff. I <3 you…what do you want for Christmas??? Oh yea…Daniel's number. I will see what I can do.

    Merry Christmas Steeler Nation…enjoy the win…we have Baltimore next.



  5. NW Joe
    December 21, 2009 11:31 pm

    All the Steelers need is to win out and the following to make the playoffs:

    1) Jags lose once (they are @ NE this week)
    2) Jets lose once (they are @ Indy this week)
    3) Broncos lose once (they are @ Philly this week)

    I am not condoning what Ryan Clark said (he must have taken a stupid pill) but he was a valuable player in their SB run last year and he was just tired of hearing questions every day about why they stink so much.

    The Steelers have a lot of talent but things tend to snowball when you lose like the Steelers did (just like things snowballed last year when they seemed to win every close game).

    The Chiefs loss was a fluke. The Raiders are actually a pretty good team (they beat Cinci, Philly, Denver and the Steelers) and the Browns loss happened because of the shock of losing the way they did to the Raiders.

    I am not going top defend the Steelers defense (esp. the secondary) but the Packers had the THIRD ranked defense in the NFL before yesterday. Offense rules, esp. when you lose someone like Troy.



  6. Ginny's Dad
    December 22, 2009 12:31 am

    Ginny

    You do know Max ia bout 7ft 10inches tall and weighs about 399 lbs. I am only 5ft 10″ and weigh about 185. He could squash me like a bug.

    Max- I only said that you did not look very agile and possibly a tad overweight. The line backers seemed to be blowing by you like you were standing still. I am sure you were playing with 2 broken legs and turf toe. Peace.



  7. Carpetbagger
    December 22, 2009 12:41 am

    Was that a linebacker running around Max Starks or Miss Piggy?

    Anybody else see the Aaron Rodgers/Jake Gyllenhaal similarity? I was looking for the Steeler tramp stamp.



  8. Em
    December 22, 2009 12:50 am

    Someone needs to smack the coaching staff so hard that the secondary feels it.

    I was proud of the Duke for finally getting his act together though. Then of course there was Heath and my good ol’ Georgia boy Hines playin such a solid game of football…..and Mike Wallace-ohhhh what a catch! I started jumping in circles around my kitchen. I didn’t even do that at the Super Bowl (there was no space to jump in circles).

    Yesterday was great. Next Sunday needs to be f-ing incredible.



  9. unsatisfied
    December 22, 2009 1:04 am

    @NW Joe — if mike wallace doesn’t make that last-second TD catch, is that onside kick decision still one of genius?



  10. DanW
    December 22, 2009 1:14 am

    @NW Joe-I don’t think your playoff scenario is correct. If those things happen, the Ravens and Broncos get in because the Steelers, Ravens and Broncos would all be tied. The first tiebreaker is to get down to 1 team from each division, and the Steelers would be eliminated because the Ravens have a better division record. Now if the Ravens lose to Oakland as well in week 17, then the Steelers would get in (provided the other conditions you wrote are met).



  11. NW Joe
    December 22, 2009 1:36 am

    @ unsatisfied – that is what the story of the NYT link discusses.

    Tomlin went with the odds.

    If Tomlin kicks off, the probability the Packers drive down for the winning score (FG or TD) and use all of the clock is what? 80%? 90%? higher? Based on what happened this year so far, it has to be at least 80%.

    If Steelers recover the onside, they ‘likely’ run out the clock (likely because they would need 2 first downs). Probability of recovering a surprise onside and getting 2 first downs is probably 30-40%.

    If Packers recover and score quickly, the Steelers have time to score. And that is the way it worked out. Given the way the Steelers were moving the ball, the probability of this occurring is probably about 30-40%

    The way I see it, the onside kick gives them about a 30-40% chance to win vs. 20% (probably less) if they kick deep.

    The only reason people think it was a stupid decision is because it goes against ‘conventional’ wisdom. Just like Belichick going for it on 4th and 2 against the Colts.

    The problem is that conventional wisdom in both of these situations was wrong.



  12. NW Joe
    December 22, 2009 1:45 am

    @ DanW

    Two teams get in. They do division tie-breakers first. Ravens win tie-breaker against the Steelers. Ravens beat Denver. Ravens in.

    The Steelers beat Denver and Tenn and would be in on that tie-breaker if all finish 9-7.

    I did leave out that the Texans need to lose one (@ Miami this week or home to NE next week). If they finish 9-7, along with either Denver and/or Tenn, the tie-breaker goes to conference record and Denver would have a better conference record (7-5 vs. 6-6).



  13. NW Joe
    December 22, 2009 1:59 am

    @ DanW

    The key is they decide one seed at a time. The Ravens would be the 5th seed.

    Then they determine the 6th seed. At this point, the Steelers would be considered (along with all other 9-7 teams).

    If the Steelers and the Ravens have the same record, there is no way the Steelers get in if the Ravens don’t since the Ravens hold the tie-breaker over the Steelers. But the Ravens hold tie-breakers in almost all situations against the rest of the other teams. This is good for the Steelers.

    Of course, the Ravens can make it easy for the Steelers and lose to the Raiders next week.



  14. NW Joe
    December 22, 2009 3:32 am

    OK, I have it figured out. Since they do division tie-breakers first, it is OK if the Texans finish 9-7 if Tenn finishes 9-7, because Tenn would win the division tie-breaker against the Texans and the Steelers beat Tenn.

    If only the Texans finish 9-7, this is a problem since the Steelers did not play the Texans. At that point it would go to conference record and the Steelers (6-6) would lose to Broncos (7-5).

    To sum up, the Steelers need to win out and need one loss each by the Jags, Jets, and Broncos. The Texans also need to lose one unless Tenn wins out.

    Don’t judge me for obsessing over this.



  15. Christine
    December 22, 2009 7:15 am

    As Skippy went out on the field to kick the extra point, I actually said out loud….”Skippy, if you make this I will not call you an ugly, drunk, loser who can’t tackle for crap for at least a week!”. I am sticking to my promise :)



  16. EricMichaelZ
    December 22, 2009 7:53 am

    Skippy’s Sluts, lol



  17. Karyn
    December 22, 2009 7:57 am

    on the X yesterday a caller said something about Ben being FUG and said he has more chin’s than a chineese phone book. I immeadiately thought “i most post this on Thats Church”



  18. Sean (the out of state one)
    December 22, 2009 8:06 am

    I made the mistake of saying out loud “Come on, Skippy Skeeve, make that extra point” in front of my six-year-old who then asked me “What’s a Skippy Skeeve?” This led to awkward backpeddling in an attempt to make sure he didn’t repeat that in front of his mom, teacher, etc.

    At least Skippy made the extra point.



  19. Jen
    December 22, 2009 8:26 am

    Oh we TOTALLY got nervous about Jeff Reed kicking. That place (and our house) would have imploded, if so.

    I have to say, I don’t blame Mike Tomlin at all about the on-side kick- even if we had lost. I think it shows how little faith he has in the defense right now (for um, GOOD REASON, holy crap they suck) and I think it sent a message to them. I guarantee the Packers would have scored and we would have only had a bit of time left, if any. And what NW Joe said about all the stats, not sure what the percentages really are, but it makes sense to me. At this point, you have to make crazy decisions.

    I’m trying not to get my hopes up for the playoffs but OMG. OMG. OMG.



  20. Proud Skippy Slut
    December 22, 2009 8:41 am

    #7 ???

    Jeff Reed WON this thing!!!!!! PERIOD!!!

    And you give him zilch???

    Your only grudging acknowledgement is that he DIDN’T choke?????

    He CARRIED that team yesterday, including your gay heartthrobs!!



  21. LaReina
    December 22, 2009 9:04 am

    The onside kick probably would have been a good idea if the Steelers had waited until the ball traveled ten yards before pouncing on it.



  22. Vivian formerly NYLuvsPitts
    December 22, 2009 9:08 am

    Can we throw in William Gay to the football gods as an added bonus? He needs to go.



  23. Virginia
    December 22, 2009 9:11 am

    Proud Skippy Slut,

    Oh, Bojack. If your excessive punctuation didn’t give you away, your IP address sure as heck did. ;)



  24. bluzdude
    December 22, 2009 9:18 am

    I hated the onside kick at the time but in retrospect, I understand it. Plus, it was THERE. There were 4 Steelers around the ball against only 1 lineman-type from the Packers. Unfortunately, Ike was too busy swaggin’ to engage his brain and wait for the ball to go 10 yards. NOW, he decides to actually catch a ball.

    I had no doubt Skippy was going to bang home…er, I mean make the extra point. He never misses those.

    Kudos to Father of Ginny, for “clarifying” his comments. But not to worry if Max comes after you. You should be able to run right around him.



  25. bucdaddy
    December 22, 2009 9:49 am

    “kept their playoff hopes alive”? How is it a team that lost to the Chiefs, Raiders and Browns back-to-back-to-back didn’t have its franchise privileges revoked, much less be even hinting at playoffs? I don’t wanna hear a WORD about playoffs out of these losers.



  26. MiamiShyner
    December 22, 2009 9:52 am

    Game, holy WOW. It’s already all been said.

    Thanks for the smile, Ginny. You wanna come to my wedding and blog it the next day? I think you’ll make it sound way more fun that it actually is (and that’s a tough job!). :-D

    Cancun is calling…



  27. butcher's dog
    December 22, 2009 10:00 am

    How does Tyrone Carter get left out of the d-back bashing? He was mostly seen chasing pass receivers, with one brief time out to take a bad angle at a runner who scored a touchdown.

    And while NW Joe has the prospects correct (according to today’s Trib), let’s not overlook the fact that we are using the term “win the next two” for a team that has only won one of the last six. Don’t hyperventilate just yet, folks.

    And finally…our Virginia has us all so conditioned that a nano-second after the onside kick left Reed’s foot, I screamed “What is he doing!?!”, secure in the thought that he’d muffed the kickoff.



  28. DanW
    December 22, 2009 10:04 am

    @NW Joe – You’re right. I misunderstood what happened when the 3-way tie was broken.

    @Ginny – I’m a little disappointed Skippy wasn’t awarded any sluts, he did win the game after all…



  29. Tomlin Fanboy
    December 22, 2009 10:19 am

    *raises his hand and clears his throat*

    excuse me, professor, approximately how much time would have been left on the clock if the ball had been kicked deep and GB’s scoring drive started from the 20?

    or do you believe (recalling your earlier definitions of insanity) for some reason, on that drive, the D would have stopped the opponent from scoring, despite the fact that even in hindsight, they demonstrated no ability to do so?

    Ginny, I love your stuff. But it was the right call. You criticized Tomlin in previous weeks for doing the same things and expecting a different outcome.



  30. mis
    December 22, 2009 10:21 am

    Just saw Max Starks’ donuts at Giant Eagle and couldn’t stop laughing!



  31. one-eyed dick
    December 22, 2009 10:33 am

    After his convoluted, but convincing explanations of the playoff scenario for the Stillers, I think NW Joe is really Dick Cheney. He knows what he knows and he knows what he doesn’t know…..



  32. Matt
    December 22, 2009 10:39 am

    Your evaluation of the playoff possibilities is the only realistic one I’ve seen to date. Well done.



  33. red pen mama
    December 22, 2009 11:04 am

    I feel like the coach in that Coors commercial. “Playoffs? Don’t talk about playoffs!”

    Love this WTRT, especially the many (fug) faces of Big Ben.

    And, Ginny: your poor dad!

    ciao,
    rpm



  34. bucdaddy
    December 22, 2009 11:54 am

    Red Ren Mama, If you like hearing that (and for some of us it never gets old), hit the link on No. 28. About 18 seconds in …



  35. Joe K.
    December 22, 2009 12:55 pm

    Tomlin absolutely made the decision he had to make. He took the least bad choice available to him. For him to think his defense could have won the game would have been to ignore the facts on the ground at that point.



  36. Ex-Pat Pittsburgh Girl
    December 22, 2009 1:30 pm

    Ginny — To add to #3, I thought you would find this item from ESPN’s Paul Lucas interesting. He does the Uni Watch columns. His most recent column focused on the uniqueness of the Steelers uniforms. Item #8 pertains to Troysus.

    http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=lukas/091217&sportCat=nfl



  37. oldgraymare
    December 22, 2009 5:31 pm

    Text from Sunday Night between me to my son in college;
    ME:”If Reed makes this extra point I’LL be one of his sluts!”
    Son: “Freel”



  38. cmd_45
    December 22, 2009 6:01 pm

    We were actually joking after the Wallace TD that someone had to call Jeff Reed on his cell at McFadden’s because he was already downing Jager shots. We were praying during the kick, too.

    Also, I think some props were in order for Cici Cabbage Patch. He had a pretty great game yesterday. He was also the only one on defense that seemed to be fired up. So, props to Casy! And Max Starks did SUCK!!



  39. PA girl trapped in VA
    December 22, 2009 6:41 pm

    *Stepping up on the box*

    Excuse me…do I have everyone’s attention…Good. For all of you that were praying that Jeff made the kick to win the game, I just have to say …PLEASE. Ok, he missed 3 FG in Chicago, many games ago. He missed one a few weeks ago from 53 yards, which is out of his record. But an extra point…really? You all doubted that? If my calculations are correct, he’s not missed an extra point this year.

    **Stepping down off the box…going to find Jeff so I can buy him a drink for winning the game** (Oh, shit still realized I’m stuck in Virginia Beach, Va….get me out!!!)

    Thank you
    Still not one of Jeff’s Sluts.



  40. PA Girl in VA
    December 22, 2009 11:52 pm

    @PA girl trapped in VA,

    First, it still kills me that you all but took my name on this blog. Secondly, you are right that you are not one of Jeff’s sluts, you are his ONLY one, right? Third, I’m not so sure that giving Jeffy-poo alcohol is a good idea. Better make it a Yoohoo or perhaps some Wink.

    Love ya, girl! Merry Christmas and Go Steelers!



  41. Bojack
    December 23, 2009 7:56 am

    …..rrrrrrowllllllllll….. (cougar snarl)

    CHICKFIGHT!!!!

    Cool!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



  42. PA Slut trapped on a 77C
    December 23, 2009 8:00 am

    I’ll choke a bitch!!



  43. PA Girl in VA Manor
    December 23, 2009 8:10 am

    meh



  44. Laura
    December 30, 2009 6:03 am

    Aww, Troysus looks so sad and lonely on the sidelines:( I know he’s married, but I want to have his babies.